Eau de Desperation

June 3, 2009.

Well, I feel like my eyes have been opened a little today. I went to an acting class where I proceeded to tell ten complete strangers a bit of my very personal history and the teacher asked if I was married, “No.” Seeing anyone? “No.” She asked because she noticed the ring. So, I then proceeded to explain how I've had the worst dating experiences in the past year and that I wear it because I'm taking this year to “Be about me and focus on my career.”

Speaking those words out loud reminded me how powerful it feels to be a single woman by choice. It's pretty great. However, all greatness comes with a little bit of hardship. So now I'm faced with the icky-ness of telling Todd this revelation. I'm not prepared to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now, because I can't even hold onto a serious relationship with myself. Does that make any sense?

I'd like to still hang out with him and spend time with his friends and be allowed to be “cuddly” or kiss him if I feel like it, but I do want to take sex out of the equation completely and perhaps no sleepovers. I'll revert back to high school where I wasn't allowed to have a boy in my bed and I had to be home eventually and under my own covers. Life was so much simpler then. Love was so much simpler then. Maybe this will be good for both of us (Todd and I) because we'll get to really know one another and see if there really is some great chemistry there before we get super serial.

Ugh. Back to ground zero I guess.

Well, I talked to Nikki and the other girls while at work yesterday and they filled me in on my forgotten moments of the night before. Apparently, after I made out with that guy and found out he had a girlfriend, he tried to talk to Nikki and told her, “I really like your friend, I don't want her to think I'm a jerk or anything, I think she's really attractive and...” blah blah blah. I guess his friend (the one that Nikki ended up spending the night with) told her that he really is a great guy and he's sort of in the process of breaking it off with this other girl. Nikki just said, “Whatever, it doesn't matter, that was just really crappy timing. Not the right month for that to happen.”

It's just hard to not get down on myself when this shit continually happens. Ok, so here are the extremes: Irene gets wasted and makes out with strange guy who happens to be in a relationship. Nikki goes out, hits it off with the guy from the band, spends the entire night with him, is smitten and he texts her the next day saying things like, “You are stunning.”

She always has a guy ready to commit and tell her how wonderful she is and wanting to be her boyfriend. I, on the other hand, get jerk after jerk. Maybe it's the Eau de Desperation that I've been wearing lately. Trust me, I'm working on it!

Ok, world, watch out! Irene's back and she's ready to be single!!!