Watch Out! Here Comes a Whole Flock!

March 31, 2009.

Here we go folks, another month another milestone for me! 3 months celibate! Hazzah! I’ve been strong thus far…9 more months to go. Last night was quite an unexpected adventure. I actually didn’t talk to Seattle much yesterday and I was a little sad about it, but I purposely didn’t let myself call him because I need to not get so attached. It was hard though! Took a lot of will power and of course I couldn’t help but wonder, “Why has he not contacted me?”

Well, I ended up going out with Nikki last night. Met her at work and then we decided to venture somewhere new. We headed into Studio City to check out some bars we’d never been to before (well, I had been once before). Her only requirement was that there be lots of guys. Done. Being a Monday this task seemed a little more daunting, but whenever I go anywhere with Nikki, it doesn’t take long to find guys. They just seem to flock.

So we started at one bar and as soon as we walked in the door a group of Armenian guys started flirting with us. We got out of that situation pretty quickly and stuck to ourselves in a corner of the bar. After a drink there we went across the street to the next bar. We comprised 50% of the female population there. Sweet. We couldn’t help but notice a group of guys that were at he bar behind us. Pretty good looking, but they were with the other females that were there. After about 40min at the bar these guys next to us started chatting. They were pretty fun. One was from Ireland, one was very quiet and the third couldn’t keep his eyes off Nikki.

We started a heated game of trivia with them and the Irish one and I made a deal that whoever lost the next round had to buy the other a shot of their choice. I kicked some Irish butt and we took a shot of whiskey…ugh. Then two more guys at the end of the bar sent the bartender over to offer Nikki and me a round of drinks. We weren’t really interested in drinking more, but I told the ‘tender if it made his tip larger, send the drinks our way! So those guys ended up moving down to our end of the bar and playing trivia with us. So, drunken boys surrounded us! What fun!

I apparently got more drunk than I realized and exchanged numbers with one of them, who I most definitely was not interested in, and I don’t even remember giving him my number, but this morning I woke up to a text from him, so hmmm…

And Nikki had exchanged numbers with one of the other guys and later text me saying that the Irish one had text her and told her to give me his number. He was definitely very attractive and I’m gonna be honest, I was not on my A game last night. I didn’t go out expecting to meet guys, so I was dressed like a slob. Also, whenever I go out with Nikki I just assume that the attractive men are going to hit on her, so I don’t concern myself with them. But, in my opinion he was definitely the best looking of the three and I was very flattered that he liked me.

Seattle and I just had a conversation this morning about men flocking to women at the bars and my argument was that they would flock to any girl, they’re not that picky. His argument was that I have a skewed opinion about it because I’m attractive and “must get hit on a lot”. I kept saying that’s not true, but after writing about last night, I’m kinda beginning to wonder…But there really was a lack of females at the bar. After all it was a Monday night.

I’ve got 17 days till Washington and I’m still super psyched. It’s strange though, because I keep thinking, so much can happen in that amount of time. Seattle and I aren’t an official couple, even though I feel as if we are. But, what if someone else comes into my life between now and then? Do I bank on the fact that Seattle’s wonderful and just thinking about him makes me smile or do I suck up reality that he’s in Washington, I’m in LA and it doesn’t appear as though either of us will be moving any time soon.

He was talking about his summer internship and how he might get an opportunity to do a lot of travel in the next year and I got kind of sad. I couldn’t help but think to myself, well…he’s already in a different state and then if he goes off travelling for a bit, is there really any hope for “us”? I’m sure I’m getting way too ahead of myself. But really, what are our actual options?

Hypocrites

March 30, 2009.


Chatted with one of my best ladies from the east coast yesterday. Told her about Seattle and my upcoming trip. She shared a little about her current..."thing", I'm not sure what to call it yet, but she said she never really wants to talk about it too much, because when she's done that in the past things never seem to work out. I know exactly what she means. You hype something up to your friends and then either you end up feeling like you have to make it as good as it sounds, even when it's not, or just suck it up and admit you were wrong. I've been keeping Seattle a bit of a secret. I think I have the same superstition that something might go terribly wrong if I share my happy thoughts too soon.

Chatted with Seattle again (twice) yesterday. It's funny because I never ever want to hang up the phone with him, and yet I feel like I always find myself in a situation where I have to go. I'm always rushing. I'd never want him to think that I am in fact rushing the convo, perhaps that's why I always need to call him again.

I realized after our conversation last night that he makes me feel normal. I don't have to put on a show or hide anything about myself. It's the nicest feeling. He makes me feel great. I shared with him some exciting news about my acting career and his reaction said it all. He was just as excited as I am. I appreciated that. It's hard to find people, even friends who genuinely get excited that things are going your way. People are always jealous or too concerned with themselves to care if things are going well with you.

Rick called me this morning. I avoided it. Let him leave a message. I couldn't help but laugh when I listened to it. He was apologizing for "drunk dialing" me the other night from the bar and explained the situation with the older woman again. Apparantly, she was 50 and "when did it become ok for women that age to hit on him"?? Hmm...now if i do the math correctly, that's 14 years older than him. He is 12 years older than me. When did it become ok for men that age to hit on me?? Ha. I mean I don't really think of him as being "too old" for me, but it's funny to see how he reacts when the situation is reversed. Guys are so dumb.

Well...the roomie or "little bro" as I'll call him, is getting cooler each day. He text me last night while I was at improv and asked if I wanted him to save me some dinner he was cooking. How sweet. When I got home, we ended up chatting for about an hour and I learned that he is uber talented. He not only d.j's, but he break dances, produces amazing music videos, edits, draws incredibly and wants to act. I'm excited to be surrounded with talent that definitely is going to go somewhere. So different than Margaret's unmotivated spirit that loomed over the apartment. I'm hopeful.

Well, let the countdown begin...18 days till Washington. Psyched.

I need to relax.

March 29, 2009.

Wow. So much, so much. Two nights ago, I hung out with Rick. Decided I wanted to walk to Ralph’s with him, get a bottle of wine and just stay at my place since it was my last night alone at my apt…*sniffle* I wondered if that was going to be weird for him since the last time we saw one another we were more than friends. He seemed fine with it. We grabbed a bottle of red and vegged in my living room. It was awkward. I remember now all the things that annoyed me about him and the reasons we couldn’t be more than friends. He always asks, “How are you feeling?” as if I’m recovering from some huge illness and he wants to make sure every five minutes I’m not going to puke. I feel fine…

Then he’s just so shy! It makes me feel so strange and all I think to do is talk and talk and talk to fill the silence. However, after a bottle of wine he becomes a lot more fun. That’s what I remember too, and that’s why it’s easy for me when I’m drinking to fall into traps. I start thinking he’s cute and sweet and wait, why did I ever stop liking him? Well, I was very good though and kept those thoughts at bay. Pretty much cuz I kept wishing it were Seattle sitting across from me…*sigh

Well, we talked for a good two hours or so, he got up to use the restroom and I was wandering around my wonderfully empty apt. He came up behind me and started massaging my shoulders. I let him. I’ve had the most uncomfortable sleep lately and really could use the massage. But it did in fact reaffirm the point in my mind that Rick is unable to be just friends with me. Humph. He wants to do dinner on Thursday and I’m not opposed, I just don’t want to lead him on. Also, one weird thing. He left my place around 11:30pm and I received a text from him about a half hour later saying, “You still up?” and I text back that I was, “What’s up?” and I didn’t get a text back for awhile, but he responded telling me he had gone to a bar after leaving my place and a “cougar” was hitting on him and he wanted an excuse to get away.

Now…I immediately thought two things, 1) why did he feel it was necessary to go to a bar after leaving my place anyway. Kind of weird and 2) um…by “cougar”, did he mean a woman more age appropriate for him?

Sorry, it just seemed odd to me. Ugh, anywho, yesterday was quite the eventful day. Went a party in the hills with Pete. He’d invited me a while back. It was his dad’s Best friend’s wife’s retirement…got that? So we decided in order to make the party more fun we’d just get trashed as soon as we got there. Yup. It was fun. We were sloshed by 6pm and decided we wanted the night to just keep going, so we planned an impromptu party at his new house.

First of all, the house was ridiculously huge and secondly we planned the impromptu party to end all impromptu parties. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t that historic, but it was pretty bad ass seeing how many people showed and how much beer was drunk and how silly everyone was being. I may have inadvertently flirted with Pete’s best bud. I totally didn’t mean to send those vibes, but he started getting all close and giving me bedroom eyes and shit and I realized…uh-oh, time for me to back off. Oy, how does that happen??

Talked to Seattle a little while at the party. Miss him. A lot. Is it even realistic to miss someone you barely know? Probably not. He was out doing his own thing and having fun and I was out doing my own thing and having fun. I like that. At one point I was dancing with Lee in the living room, we were having our own little dance party and I just kept thinking about how great I feel. I wasn’t self-conscious because there was no one there to impress and I was happy because people I love surrounded me and I didn’t feel lonely.

And last but not least…I have a roommate. Blah. He came to the party last night, I thought it would be a good get to know you thing. He had fun, got drunk and I ended up driving us home, don’t worry I was way sober. I had stopped drinking pretty much when we got back from the first party. My roommate is…well, I’ll put it this way, I’ve gained a little bro. This could be good or very, very bad.

Called Seattle when I got home and into bed. Needed to hear his voice before going to sleep. I have a flight to Seattle, WA for the 17th of April. Can’t wait.

Btw, just a random note, the other night while chatting with Seattle on the phone he was describing this idea to me in all these technical/scientifical words and all I could think was, “God he sounds sexy.” And I told him that. I’m such a nerd.

"You Make Me Feel Normal"

March 27, 2009

I hate when I miss a day and have to catch up. Last night was all Seattle’s fault. I got home and called to hear a story about his day and was too tired after chatting that I went to bed instead of writing my blog. I apologize.

Yesterday, woke up nice an early to make myself purty for an audition. Then had the rest of the day to workout and do laundry. I’m quite proud of myself actually for how much I managed to accomplish. Heard from my new roommate! I have mixed emotions because I need a roomie, but am dreading that I won’t be living alone anymore after tomorrow morning. He seems decent though and I think we’ll have a lot of fun.

Lee was teasing me last night saying, “You know, I hear stories of people moving in together and hitting it off and starting to date.” No, Lee, I think not. Not with this one.

(*side note: at the coffee shop right now and some guy just totally “eye fucked” me as he walked out the door, never really get that, but it wasn’t at all pleasant. About as pleasant as a one night stand, “ooh intriguing…um wait, what are you doing…no no that’s not good at all…ok just stop.”)

Lots on my mind today, not really sure where to begin. Let’s see, talked to Seattle yesterday right after my audition. I had sent him a heartfelt email the night before accidentally, instead of saving it as a draft, I pushed send and sent it incomplete. I was completely embarrassed and wrote a follow up saying I hadn’t meant to send it just yet and I apologized if anything I said was strange. I told him about my fears of him being so recently divorced. I didn’t want him to feel rushed into anything he wasn’t ready for. I myself am not sure what I really want from this situation, but I know that I really enjoy him.

He told me I had nothing to be embarrassed about and the email was just fine. I had text him about my new roomie earlier that day and he sent me back, “…let me get back to you in a bit, I’ll have a story for you.”

So, I went for a walk with Lee last night, we ended up having a heart to heart. I told her how odd it is that I like Seattle this much, it’s very unusual for me. She commented on how different he is than the guys I usually go for, which is true. Also, she asked if his age was a problem. I had been wary about Ray due to the fact that he was 39…eek and also about Rick, who was 36, but 34 seems to be the perfect number. She stated, “Well, the others just didn’t fit, but this one does, so the age doesn’t matter.” Very wise, Lee, very wise…

When I got home I finally got to talk to Seattle about his story. He told me that the woman he had had a fling with not too long ago got upset when he mentioned me, they’re still friends and he thought it was ok to talk about me. He didn’t tell me many details about what was said, but apparently after school they went back to his place to discuss it. I found myself getting upset listening to the story. I kept thinking, “Why’d you have to discuss it further at your place? Did anything else happen?” But, I quickly calmed my thoughts, realizing I was being irrational. It’s hard, because I always try to be super sensitive when I’m interested in a guy and not worry about the relationships/friendships that came before me. It’s not my place to interfere with them since they were established way before “we” were. But, it takes a lot of strength, not gonna lie. The fact that he even told me about it proves he’s a very trustworthy guy. He didn’t have to say anything. I like that.

Oh yeah, one of the best things a guy has ever told me, “You make me feel normal.” That’s what Seattle told me on the phone last night. It made me smile. I like that too.

We chatted for a bit longer and I enjoyed listening to his stories about work, etc. I enjoy how smart he is. Every time we talk I just want to absorb everything I can.

Haven’t heard from him yet today, but I also haven’t text and he’s at work. I really need to plan a trip to Seattle. I realized yesterday, I need something to look forward to.

Randomly heard from Rick today. He called; I hesitated before picking up the phone. He’s back from tour and wants to grab a drink/food tonight. Our phone convo was a little awkward, but even when we were “dating” it was awkward. I’d like to see him, but not sure what we really have to talk about. We were never really friends, so I wonder if it’s possible for us to be friends now. I’m totally not interested in anything other than a friendship, and I hope he realizes that. He leaves again in a week or so for another tour…busy man. Makes me thankful I didn’t fall for him, he’d constantly be off experiencing amazing things in other countries and I’d be lonely, sad and jealous. Not a good relationship.

I have a need to be social tonight though, I feel a funk coming on…not sure what that’s about. Maybe it’s my period. Not to give TMI, but it’s been a whole year since I’ve had a visit from Aunt flo, so I’ve forgotten the weird emotional mood swings that come to town in her baggage. Humph. Gotta get out of that quick!

Is there a pattern here?

March 25, 2009.

First night in quite a few nights that I’m home, and don’t have to rush around preparing things for the next day and jump right into bed. It’s super nice. And I’m still living alone…super, super nice. I’m finding myself more and more satisfied with life these days. Everything seems to be falling into place and daily I’ll let out a sigh of contentment. I hope that 2009 is proving to be like that for most people.

Had a meeting with a potential roommate today. He was very cool and we seemed to get along right away. What struck me as funny is he kept complaining about his current roommate being so “unmotivated” and he can’t stand being around unmotivated people because it makes him feel unproductive and annoyed. How ironic…sounds like someone I know. I reassured him that I’m extremely motivated and the most positive person he’ll find. He’s calling me tomorrow to let me know if he’s moving in or not. His roommate is waiting to hear about a job and if it falls through, he’s moving back to Minnesota and I gain a roommate, but if it works out, they’ll probably stay together. Eek, I’ve never wished for someone to not get a job, but hey, I could really use a roommate. But, you know, if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be!

Seattle called me today. I had briefly talked to him last night when I was out with friends, because I had been dying to call him all-day and just honestly had no moments alone. But, we went out for drinks and dinner and I snuck away to chat while we waited for our food to arrive. I had to cut the convo short, and I really hated doing it, so I told him to give me a call these next three days, since I’ll be relatively available. So he did. Yay! He was procrastinating doing schoolwork and I was preparing my house for a potential roomie and very glad for the distraction.

He told me last night that he feels incredibly bad reading my blog. Which I can understand, because it is almost as if he were reading my diary. And who knows, there may be things that come along that he doesn’t want to read. But, I’m all about honesty and if something happens that may not be appealing, then we move on. Better than denying things or hiding things.

I really want to see him again. We joked about him visiting James sometime soon and “squeezing me in” or me coming up that way in a few weekends. Not gonna lie, I really want to. I told him that usually when I want something, it’s rare that I let reality get in the way. For example, my second boyfriend, Tom, when I met him, I was visiting friends in Illinois and cancelled my flight back home so I could spend an extra day with him. Now this wasn’t realistic because it cost me cancellation fees and a bus ticket back home, but it was worth it to me. And hey, we dated for a year (which is long for me).

I used to say in High School, “I have to see a future before I see a beginning.” Meaning, I’m not going to start dating someone unless I can see a real future in it. And I stuck with that motto, turned down every invitation until Drew and we dated for three years. It worked pretty well. I think I need to start that motto back up. I really wouldn’t be so into Seattle if I didn’t think there was something there. It’s real easy for me to move on and get over guys very quickly, because there’s usually no real emotion between us. Especially when they’re far away. Why bother? But there’s something there.

Like Will. Sure we got to spend time together last summer, but I couldn’t help but think about him even though he was off living life in Florida and here I am in LA. There was something there. But oddly enough, I had this strange feeling when he was off in Australia this past Feb. that he met someone, or something changed. I called him when he was supposedly back in the states to catch up and find out how Australia was, plus we had discussed him potentially coming to visit. I got his voicemail, left a message and haven’t heard from him since. That was March 4th. So, I think my intuitions were right. But that gave me the freedom I needed to feel free to look around. Before I was kind of closed off because I was holding onto hope.

I just realized that I have a pattern I never knew about and I wonder if it’s healthy or if it’s in fact a “safety” thing I do. I held onto hope that “the ex” would come visit, fall back in love with me and be mine for the rest of eternity. I knew this wouldn’t happen, but I continued to hope. I held onto hope that Will would come visit, realize we were meant to be together and decided to finally move to LA like he thinks about every so often. I knew this was unrealistic because his whole life is in Florida, he’s got no reason to leave, but I continued to hope. Now, I’m hoping that Seattle and I hit it off and somehow, even though he lives way up north and I live way down south, there’s a potentially bright future.

Am I insane? Do I always need someone just out of reach to care for me so that I can remain independent yet loved? So that I can retain my single lifestyle but at the same time not have to pursue strange men in LA? Do I need someone that’s a possibility so that when I’m fully ready for commitment I can work my magic and make them come to me? What’s my damage?

I really don’t think Seattle’s just a distraction I’ve set up for myself. But it does make me wonder…I can’t believe the last three men I really cared about have been from far off places and yet I always think there’s a possibility even though I’m so stubborn I would never be the one to change locale.

However, maybe that’s just all hogwash and it’s really a statement about how there are no dateable/relationship men in this crazy town. I have to look elsewhere to find the good ones and just pray that they’ll eventually be close enough to spend time with. Ugh, I hate this place! Ha, but it’s necessary I be here.

Seattle is very different then the guys I’ve dated in the past. I tend to date very artistic, emotional guys. Seattle is very book smart and is very logically minded. Maybe I need someone that’s the complete opposite of all my fuck-ups. Hey, it worked for my sister. She went from “metro-sexual” to “manly man”.

Alright, I have way too much on my mind and need to stop writing this instant! Lots of free time tomorrow, hopefully it’ll be spent all by myself!

Everything heals in time...

March 23, 2009.

On set. Ray’s here. Not as awkward as I imagined. Thank goodness. I avoided him at first, since the whole birthday thing was pretty bad, but he approached me today to say hi and we chatted for a bit. It was nice. It actually felt normal and not weird to sit next to him. He actually felt like a friend, but at the same time, I was comfortable and wanted to put my arm around him and tell him I missed him (as a friend) but knew that would just stir up other emotions in him and I just didn’t want to go there. But I feel as if we can be cool from this point on. Good.

Ok, so I was walking around set and every time I’m walking around a studio set, I can’t help but think, “I’m a star” and not in a snobby, I’m better than everyone else sort of way, but in a I belong here, sort of way. My whole walk changes; my confidence rises and heads turn. Ok, yeah, so I’m a blonde in a short skirt and boots, but that has nothing to do with it…

Seattle’s on my mind. Whenever I think about him I can’t help but smirk. The thing I really appreciated about his email was the fact that he wasn’t overly “I’m so in to you, please be my girl, I need you, can’t live with out you, blah blah yuck!!”

I think what I want and what I’ve gained from meeting him is the knowledge that there’s a nice guy out there, who could potentially be great in my future. But for right now, we’re both in different places. He’s living far north, working on his law degree and totally going to be financially stable within the next couple years. I’m living in the city of sin and planning my rise to fame within the next year and half. We’re busy people chasing our dreams and if our dreams happen to coincide one day, I think I’d like that. But no rush. I believe in fate, so if something is meant to be, it will be…
* * *
Got home about an hour ago and am completely wiped out. I have one if not two more days ahead of me on this shoot. Plus, if I’m lucky, I get to go to an audition tomorrow after work. I really hope it works out. I had to miss an audition today that I was rather excited about, but I honestly couldn’t give up the pay.

Anywho, received a text from my first love tonight. He’s drinking a beer with one of our mutual best friends and I guess they were thinking of me. I always love the surprise texts from him. It’s reassuring that after all the time that’s passed we can still pop into eachothers heads and have amiable feelings. I like that a lot. It definitely took some time, but it worked out. I text him back that I was jealous and wished I could join them. Didn’t get a response yet…it’ll come within the next month. That’s how we roll.

My whole body is yelling at me to stop writing and go to sleep, but I keep feeling like my day is incomplete. I wanted to pick up the phone and call Seattle the moment I walked through the door and tell him about my day. I’ve wanted to do that every day since I met him. But, I’d feel weird and not sure how he would like that. It’s been awhile since there’s been someone in my life I feel like I can call and chat with about menial things. Humph. Why’s he gotta live so far? Ha, ok, so patience is a virtue and I’m trying really hard these days to be a patient person. Maybe this is supposed to teach me even further.

Alright I’m about to pas..s..o..u….zzzzzzzzzzz.

Fate?

March 22, 2009

Spent today on set again, it was pretty miserable. Thought about Seattle a lot. He sent me a text saying he needed my email because he wants to write me something more substantial (than a text msg.), so I gave him my email and told him I better receive a letter by the time I get home.

At the end of the day one of the guys on set started chatting with me and trying to remember my name (we had introduced ourselves earlier) and he kept guessing, I was not giving him any clues and he said, “Man, this will be really awkward when I ask for your number later.” Ugh. So he finally got it and he did in fact ask for the digits. I avoided saying yes or no and we got sidetracked with checking out, but he stuck around. Then approached me again while I was waiting for Miguel and asked for my number a second time. Another extra came over and accidentally cock blocked, thank goodness, so I stalled for another two minutes. Then he asked a third time and I said, “Well, the thing is, I don’t date and usually the only reason guys want a number is because they’re interested in dating.” Whenever I say, “I don’t date” what I really mean is “I’m not going to have sex with you.” Maybe I should just start saying that instead, because I don’t think guys get it. So, I gave him my number and told him I just wanted to be clear. Weird. It was also strange because we had barely talked all day and on top of that I literally looked like shit. Why would anyone find me attractive at that moment in time?

Got off set by 5pm, rushed Miguel home, stopped by my house for two seconds and literally the moment I got home, I checked my email and found no message from Seattle, I started to leave and my phone beeped, it was a text from him saying he just sent it. I glanced at my comp screen and saw an email had just popped up entitled, “Fate?” I didn’t have time to read it. I rushed to improv.

Made it to improv on time. Received the honor of being elected the new captain of ‘Detour Improv Comedy’ – eek, more responsibility. Ran our rehearsal, which was way weird for me to do, but I think I’ll adjust quickly. Tanya noticed that my ring had moved from my left to my right since the last time we saw eachother. I explained that I hadn’t done it intentionally, but had left it because it just feels more natural on my right anyway. She replied, “Oh, I thought you just met someone” and I said, “Well, I did.”

Got home just about an hour ago now. Wanted to call Seattle on my ride home, but I don’t know what’s kosher yet or not. Read his email. It was just what I wanted to hear. I’m gonna leave it at that for now, because I want to kind of keep it solely for me. I rarely do that with things. But this one’s for my eyes only.

I’m extremely exhausted and have to get up again tomorrow at 5am, so I’m off to sleep, but I’ll give more details on stuff tomorrow.

I've been found out!

March 21, 2009.

Received a text from Seattle today saying: “Sorry ur party didn’t go so well. I was anxiously awaiting a text or email and figured that reading ur blog would be the next best thing. Hope that doesn’t upset you or change anything…” Um, so I have a spy. I guess I’m not as well hidden as I thought or maybe I’m just bad at keeping secrets and let too much slip into our honesty filled convo’s. But, now I have a new blog follower…

It actually surprised me how okay I am with it. Yesterday, (and I called and told him this already) I even thought about just sending him the link. For some reason I really do want him to know everything, well, almost everything about me. Maybe it’s a test, maybe it’s comfort, but whatever it is, it’s strange. So he claims that he doesn’t hate me after reading it…yet.

It’s interesting because in life, I’m a pretty open book, so most people that have the pleasure of being near me, usually know lots and probably too much about me. However, this blog contains innermost thoughts and confessions that I would probably only tell my very best friends back on the East Coast. My sister doesn’t even read this blog!

But, I’m pretty comfortable with Seattle’s sneaky eyes glancing at this every now and then. And I promise, to myself and anyone who may actually read this ridiculous self indulgent blog, that I will remain true to my word and be as honest as humanly possible.

Will Seattle stick around? We shall see.

Spent another long day on set. Miguel was there, so at least there was some entertainment. It was funny, I started chatting with a few other guys on set today and for a mere moment thought two of them were pretty cute, but one casually mentioned his girlfriend and the other eventually mentioned his wife. This was more than ok with me, I wasn’t really interested in more than a friendly conversation. But at one point, I looked to the right of me and there was Miguel and guy with a girlfriend sitting on the bench and to the left of me was married guy. And I couldn’t help but wonder if I give off these vibes lately that I’m “safe” because I’ve noticed the guys on set I tend to meet and chat with and get along with are all usually in committed relationships. I must just send out a silent signal that tells them I’m not a threat and if they want to chat about their lovely ladies, I’m all ears and won’t be a jealous bitch. Pardon mon français. Or perhaps is as simple as I can tell they’re safe.

I had Seattle on my brain all day. I just kept thinking about seeing him again. How much I wish I had the option to spend more time with him. I text him when I got home to let him know I can’t help but daydream about him and I started worrying that he had read something undesirable in my blog that made him not want to text me back. But then after the longest 13 min’s of my life he finally returned my text and reassured me he was not swayed by any past words of mine, and that he wishes he were here so that I “could fall asleep in [his] arms.” I wish that too.

Ray sent me an email today: “Please forward your postal address, I'd like to forward you money for last nights dinner.” Yup, he hates me.

Taurus+Gemini = Happily Ever After?

March 20, 2009.

Oh what a night…got ready for Miguel’s birthday extravaganza and on my way got a panicky call from Lee saying they were having major car trouble. So I rushed and picked them up, they were way upset, understandably so, and I was determined to make them have a good night. We met up with everyone at PF Chang’s. Ray was dressed nice, we hugged hello, I immediately made chit chat to seem as if I was totally comfortable with the situation, but I totally was not. Ryan and Pete were there also. Dinner was great, our waiter was not so great, and we ended up being there for three + hours. Then when the bill came, despite my earlier request to put Lee and Miguel’s meals on my tab, he handed us one large bill and said, “we don’t split checks”, um…why didn’t you tell me that earlier? So we all took about 45 minutes trying to figure out our bill and finally I just couldn’t take it anymore, I grabbed the check and my credit card and asked the manager to just “please put it all on mine.” I needed to get out of there. I could sense myself getting extremely antsy and uncomfortable.

Every time Ray looked at me or said something I wanted to shrivel up and go under the table. I think he could tell. He decided not to come to the after party at my place and told Miguel on the phone later (loudly enough so I could hear) that he just didn’t feel right about it…and was complaining about how I was sitting all the way across the table from him instead of next to him all night. I just don’t get it!! What does he want from me? To be fake and pretend that I’m in to him? I’m totally not! Tonight proved it. I didn’t think, “Man he’s cute” and I didn’t want to sit next to him and every story he told I just kept screaming in my mind, “Shut up already!!” Oy.

Finally, finally…after the longest dinner of my life we were on our way home. People met up with us at my apt, but it was probably the most lame and boring party ever because Lee and Miguel were so uber stressed about their car situation, again, understandably, but I just wanted them to stop already and just relax because I was becoming so tense just having them there.

However, all I could think the entire night was, I really wish Seattle were still here. I just want to call and vent and listen to him tell me stories that make tonight seem not so awful. I want him to sleep next to me again and make goofy faces when he looks at me because he’s thinking about how amazing I am (that’s all hypothesis by the way). I really wanted to and wish I had the balls and the money to hop a plane to Seattle bright and early tomorrow and spend the next few days with him.

Wow. It’s nice and awful at the same time to meet someone you connect with. Cuz it makes me happy to think about him, but then I want to cry because he’s so far and I don’t even have the option of seeing him.

One interesting fact: he’s a Gemini. Which was is the same sign my first love was. So, perhaps Gemini’s and Taurus’ is a good match? I’m trying to look it up, but my Internet connection is extremely slow.

According to one site: “The Taurus woman is deliberate, sexy and alluring. The Gemini man is clever and fickle. He may prefer mental stimulation more than physical stimulation. Sexually, the Gemini man may think his Taurus woman is too much work while she may feel he’s all talk and no action.”


Uh-oh.

I put it out there and "Seattle" was the response

March 20, 2009.

Wow. So, like I planned the other day; I met someone. Spent St. Pat’s day with Nikki, Seattle, his brother James, Miguel and Lee. Got drunk off of wine and made out with Seattle in the kitchen of my apt.

Miguel and Lee headed home and James spent the night in the living room with Nikki while Seattle and I canoodled in my room. We started making out and got nakey and Seattle admitted that he’s never had a one-night stand and usually doesn’t do things this fast with girls he just met. I assured him there would be no sex involved in the evening, since I’m celibate in 2009! Woohoo! So we were at a standstill. We lay in bed together all night, chatted for what seemed like forever and got no more than 3 hours of sleep. But the sleep deprivation was well worth it.

We had all planned on spending the next day at the beach, but Nikki was feeling a bit overwhelmed and needed some space from the men. So we decided to go without them. I kind of wanted Seattle there, but was very happy to spend the day with my girls. That night, I had text back and forth with Seattle and told him to call me when he got done with poker with the bro. I ended up passing out before midnight and he didn’t finish his game until 1:30am, so no meeting up.

I was on set all day yesterday and received texts from Ray and Seattle. Ray had wanted to go shopping with me for a gift for Miguel, but I was definitely not going to be out any earlier than 9:30, and I did want to spend time with Seattle since it was his last night in town. I made plans to have a late dinner with Seattle after the shoot, however, when I got out there was major LA traffic and I found out that I had a call time of 6:30am for today. Both put a serious damper on my mood. I text Seattle and told him I was “cranky”. He told me “No problem. I’m definitely bummed, but u need to work and u shouldn’t run urself ragged. If I don’t’ get to see u before I leave (which is likely since I fly out tomorrow), I hope we can keep in touch; because I really do feel that I would love to see where it could lead. And lastly, I wish I could read ur blog.”

Ha. Apparently, I opened up completely about my blog the other night…and now he knows he’ll be a part of it! Well, after getting that text I realized, “What am I doing??” I really did want to see him and I was pushing away…potentially sabotaging something great. So I asked if there was any way he could come to my place, cuz “I could really use the cuddle.” Cheesy, I know, but true. So, he did. We lay in bed and talked until 2am. Then attempted to get what little sleep we could before I had to go to work. My alarm went off at 5:15am and all I could think was, “What am I doing??” I decided to take a chance and not go to work. I know…tisk, tisk, two days this week. I need money! “What am I doing??” Ugh, well, I skipped work, however, we didn’t go back to bed, and we stayed awake and talked until 9am. 4hours of completely honest, somewhat overwhelming (in a good way) conversation.

I like him. He’s smart, sweet, funny, mature, honest, trusting, open minded and damn I bet he’s great in bed! Just a feeling I get…I don’t regret my decision to abstain, because, like I said, I really like him. He was totally respectful of the situation, but it was frustrating, for the both of us. My body wanted his pretty badly. We chatted a bit more, then headed off to breakfast at Jinky’s.

He got real quiet while at breakfast, which was weird for us, since our convo’s have been awesome thus far. I didn’t want to ask what was wrong though, because I kind of feared the answer. But, he then apologized for being so “flat” and said he was really exhausted. Me too. But for some reason he gives me energy. Then we headed back to my place so he could grab his stuff and say our farewells. He just looked so sad puppy and said, “I’m kind of bumming.” Me too. He invited me to come up to Seattle sometime and I may just have to take him up on that offer. I want to spend more time with him.

I told him this morning, which is totally true, that I know I must genuinely like him because my mind is completely calm when we’re together. I’m not strategically planning an escape plan or thinking about other things. It’s silent, for once. That honestly never happens. I’m usually a little awkward with the boys in my bed, because I truly don’t want them there. Seattle? If he didn’t have a flight tonight, I’d want him to stay in bed with me all day/night. Humph. I’m so good at picking the least opportune guys aren’t I?

Hey, side note: met a guy on set who just got engaged to his girlfriend and he told me they’ve been celibate for 5 years! They weren’t planning on waiting till marriage, but at this point they figured, why not? I told him I think that’s great! So, if they can do it for 5 years while in a committed relationship, then I can do it for 1 while I’m single…right?

Well, it’s Miguel’s 23rd today and we’re all going out to celebrate (Ray and everyone). I’m kind of nervous to see Ray, but I want Miguel to have a fabulous night, so no matter what, I’m gonna be all smiles and friendliness. Got lots of errands and sleep to catch up on before that happens though, so I’ll update manana!

St. Pat's Day! Yay!

March 17, 2009.

Happy St. Pat’s Day! I’m sitting in my big empty apartment, watching “Gossip Girl” and getting sentimental over a glass of red wine. Even watching t.v. couples makes me want to be in a relationship!

So…I met someone. Last night went out with Nikki and Roger to Big Wangs in NoHo. Two boys approached our table and introduced themselves. They’re brothers, originally from Canada, but now one lives in L.A. (and is already in love with Nikki) and the other lives in Seattle and is super sweet and fun.

They spent the whole night chatting with us. We made plans to hang out today and we went to lunch at Big Boys with the two of them. It was a lot of fun. They’re both extremely comfortable to be around. Then we’re planning on meeting up later and spending a terrifically exciting St. Patties Day together. I’m excited.

Seattle looked at me earlier and said, “Hey, it’s a good thing we don’t live in the same city, cuz we really don’t get along and that would be a bit awkward.” Fully sarcastically, I should note. He’s pretty cute. However, he is 34…and about a foot and 3 inches taller than I am. Hmm…what a choice!

Well, I’ve gotta exercise more, drink a bit and shower and then head out for another night in san fernando valley…maybe a lip locking fest tonight, if a certain boy is lucky. Stop reading and go get drunk!

Commitment = Freedom

March 16, 2009.

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating – in work, in
play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal
critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around
like rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the
barrier to your life. " -- Anne Morris, a New York Starbucks customer


That’s the quote that was on my Starbucks cup this morning. I thought it was quite fitting. It does make sense. I had to read it a couple of times to fully understand it. But I totally get it. However, even though I know my inner critic can be pretty nasty at times, I don’t think I’d be that much different when committed than I am at this moment.

It’s funny though, I’m incredibly independent, but I love surrounding myself with people. I spent most of the day at home today, by myself, knowing that no roommates were going to enter my apt. It was nice, but I just kept thinking, “who can I call to hang out with?” I want lots of friends, just no roommates. Makes sense, right? I’d like a relationship, but no husband. Makes sense? I like being alone, but having emotional connections.

I have no money, but I desperately want to be social tonight. Might go out for a drink with Nikki and Roger after they get done with work. It’s just nice to have a small chat with people each day. It’s necessary for the human soul. It most definitely is.

Ok, so I left my apt today to go the library, the bank and last the coffee shop. I said to myself, “I’m gonna meet someone. It might be weird, but I am.” Meaning, in these short few hours that I’m wandering around Sherman Oaks, doing errands, I’m gonna meet someone. I didn’t really specify, however. Maybe that’s my problem. Meet someone for what reason? For what type of relationship? I will meet someone with potential of a lasting relationship. That’s who I’m going to meet. Him.

On another note, I finally responded to the email that Ray sent to me the other day. He asked if it was ok with me that he was going to come out for Miguel’s birthday this Friday. Of course I’m not gonna say no! It’s Miguel’s birthday, not mine. Not my choice. I hate when guys do that. Here’s my response:

“Ray,
I'm sorry for the lack of response, but I feel that if I'm too quick to respond or too nice, it may seem as if I'm "leading you on", or "giving you hope for the future". I do wish we could be friends, but just that. Of course I don't mind you being at Miguel's birthday. He loves you and I would never take that relationship away from you guys. I would hope you never let me get in the way of you doing things you would want to do. I really want friday to be great for Miguel, so lets really focus on the fact that we're getting together for his birthday and that it's not a date. I just don't know how to respond to your text's or emails most of the time because of the fact you have feelings for me. It makes it hard to respond in a neutral way. I feel as if I either have to be lovey dovey back or a bitch. There's no in between, because that's confusing. I just want us to be clear. Hope you're doing great, and I'll see you on friday.”

Too harsh? I’m just so tired of responding safely or too kindly and then having to repeatedly “break up” with people. It’s just obnoxious. Saying “no” once should be enough. When a guy rejects me I don’t try again and again to get him to like me. What a waste of time and energy. Humph.

Going to go pick up some bookshelves to put in my empty apt. Yay! Updates soonish.

Wanted: Boyfriend, pay rate: xoxoxo

March 15, 2009

I want a boyfriend. But what else is new, right? It’s getting to the point where I don’t like hearing people talk about their boyfriends and relationships, because I can’t help but think, “If you have one, why don’t I?”

I went to The Barrel last night with C's peeps, tried to get Encino to join me, but no luck. I had an ok time, I’m just tired of the bar scene because I don’t want to get wasted and I don’t want to meet a future boyfriend there. So, it becomes a bit pointless.

I’m just amazed that I have no one that interests me and no one interested in me (besides Ray) that wants something more than a hookup.

I text Lindsay last night for Liam’s number. She sent it to me and told me that I should apologize to him. I know I probably overreacted a bit that night, but, and maybe this is just my stubbornness coming out, I don’t really know why I’m the one who has to apologize. He blew me off like five times, got too wasted to hang out, more often then not, then when we finally did hang, he got drunk and left me hanging by myself. Yeah, I guess I was the jerk.

I’m glad I’m gaining lots of girlfriends this year because I’d go nutty with no friends and no boyfriend. At least girlfriends give me quite the distraction; provide me with something else to do.

Hmmm. On set today at LMU for a grad film I’m in. There are three boys in the cast, one’s gay, one’s going back to NYC in a week and the third, I’m not sure yet. There is a boy that’s working on the crew who just seems genuinely nice. And I’m finally finding that attractive. Wow, took long enough. I might have to miss improv again tonight, but I’m kind of exhausted still so I don’t really mind. I can go home to my empty apartment, and fall asleep wherever I choose to and sleep until my doc apt. tomorrow. Sounds wonderful to me. Just wish I had someone to cuddle with. *sigh*. It’ll happen.

Alone at last!!

March 14, 2009.

This is my first night being the only inhabitant in my apartment. My roommates are gone!! Their stuff is all gone and the apartment looks, feels and is huge!! I love it and all I want to do is open a six pack or a bottle of wine and celebrate with someone. But for the first time since being in California, there is absolutely no one that I want to call. I have a phone full of names, but the only one I can see being any fun to celebrate with, would be Ray and I worry that if he comes over to celebrate things will turn a little more than friendly and I honestly don’t want that, or I’d have called him by now.

It’s strange for me to be in this position. No one to flirt with or no one I want to flirt with. I could call Adain, but he’d be expecting sex and I don’t know if he’s fun enough without some sort of distraction like t.v./a movie, which is nearly impossible when you don’t own a television or DVD player. Then there’s…Beard, but again, don’t know how long we’d be able to entertain ourselves without media. And I kinda want to text Liam, but I haven’t talked to him since that terrible night at the bar…but perhaps, this would be the perfect chance to reconcile…hmmm. I might just do that. I need someone to celebrate with! I’m 24, gorgeous, happy and have my very own place, at least for two more weeks. Then, I should definitely get a roommate, but for now, it’s all mine!!! I’m super psyched. Ok, I think I’m gonna text Liam. What’s the worse that could happen? He doesn’t respond at all. Oh well, we aren’t talking as is anyway.

I just want to state for the record that no matter how stressful my life seems to get at times due to money and work, etc, I really love my life right now.

Ok, so I just went to my phone to text Liam and I realized that in an effort to not do that, I had deleted his number after that disastrous day. So, no Liam lovin’ for me! Ha, how ironic. Is that irony or just plain good old, disaster avoidance planning? Well, so here I am back to square one. No one to celebrate with. My C’s peeps are all going to the Barrel again tonight and I would go, but I really don’t want to see Mike or Zack tonight. I’m still really grossed out by what happened with Zack the other night and I lost a lot of respect for him and just don’t need to be anywhere near him these day.

So, again, here I am by my lonesome (but I’m not really lonely, a little bored yes, but not lonely) and no one to celebrate with. I don’t even have anyone to fun, flirtatiously text with anymore. Wow, lame. I should be showering and going to bed, but I’m up and wide awake now and have a big empty apt all to myself and no one to share it with!

Where are all the eligibles? Why’s it so hard for me to find one? Argh!

Ok, well I’ll update if tonight turns into something incredible and unexpected. Later!

Oops I did it again...

March 12, 2009.

Well, I had sex today. And lots of it. Ok, so it was in a scene for a movie and it wasn’t really sex, more like making the “O” face while having a random guy pulsing up against me. But, it reminded me of how not fun having sex with someone you really don’t care about can be. Ha. I mean my fellow actor was wonderful and quite cute/sexy, but since there was no emotional bond, it just made me feel as though I was right back into last year in the arms of all those guys I let myself sleep with.

And I can honestly say I’m so happy that I don’t do that anymore. I am now two and ½ months abstinent and feeling fabulous. I don’t ever miss sex and I rarely desire someone in bed next to me these days.

Ok, so updates on the eharmony thing. I decided I don’t want to do it. As cool as it might seem for like the first week, there’s just all these questions. Like, how much can you really tell about a person by reading simple questions they answered on a website? How do you know if their picture is accurate? I don’t want to meet someone online because they think my picture’s hot. I want them to be attracted to my personality! It’s like being back in 8th grade and sitting at my computer after dark and signing onto AIM or into chat rooms and the boys would say: “Age/sex/location? Are you hot? Do you cyber?” Eww. I don’t miss those days and have no desire to go back to them.

So here I sit yet again, pondering if I’ll ever meet someone I desire to spend more time with. I’ll be honest, I had started a mini crush on the director of this film I worked on today and I felt a vibe, like we hit it off really well, he’s asked the question twice now, “So you don’t have a boyfriend?” and he loved every answer I ever gave to questions that was asked and he thought I did so wonderful and compliment after compliment. Then when we were leaving the set, he asked, “So what are you doing tonight?” And I said quite blatantly, “Nothing.” And then, as if the cameras were still rolling, I raised my eyebrows and took a sideways glance at him as if to say, “Here’s where you ask if I wanna go grab a beer with you.” But instead he said, “Really? Nothing?” and I replied, “I guess I should probably do laundry.” And from there the convo died and somehow five minutes later we were talking about his girlfriend. So, that’s a dead horse. Ha, I’m so pathetic.

Also, Ray text me yesterday saying, “I could really use some sympathy and cheering up today, got work done on my teeth and feeling sore and drugged.” Ok, now that’s such a man trap. Because we already had the discussion about how we can’t be just friends, therefore we can’t hang out, because I don’t want a relationship and I don’t want to be hugging and kissing a guy that’s not my boyfriend. But here he is asking me to act like his girlfriend and cheer him up, and if I take the bait and later say, “I was just being friendly” he’ll use it against me and say I was “leading him on”. I know how it works and I’m not falling for it!

He sent me two emails today and invited me to be his date to some event in April already. I don’t get it. A guy tells you he’s “falling in love with you”, you say “no thanks” and he still pursues. I don’t get it. Where are all the normal guys? Seriously, now!!!

P.s. it was totally fun making out with a perfect stranger all day long today and then being able to come home and not worry if the other person reciprocates your feelings…cuz there were none. It was fun!

Online Love Match??

March 11, 2009.

Well, so this is an interesting development. I was searching craigslists for any possible way to make money and I came across a job for Freelance Writers and I love writing, obviously, so I responded to the ad. Now, with craigslist, you just never know what you’ll get. An incredible opportunity, a huge scam or no response whatsoever. Well, I got scammed. However, I didn’t realize it was a scam until a little too late.

Here’s how the scam went. Saw the ad offering jobs to freelance writers, $0.10/word, make your own schedule just be disciplined. I can do that! I already do! So when I sent them my response as well as a link to this blog to show them how and what I write, I got a response saying they need me to sign up at eharmony.com and then write a review of the website. After receiving the review, they’ll let me know their decision in 7 days. So, I went ahead and took about a ½ hour out of my life and signed up…only for the free parts of course. Well…they got me. They just wanted more traffic to eharmony.com. Those sneaky brats!

However, today I check my email and have 15 new matches! Out of curiosity (of course) I decide to check ‘em out. So, I do, I end up reading about 5 profiles and seeing two that I really, genuinely like. So, I shoot them a quick little “ice breaker”, because after all this part of it is still all free. Well, I’ve gotten some response to my icebreakers and now I’m just sitting her curious, wondering, “Can a love match really be found over the Internet?” I kind of want to find out.

I’ve always thought people who look for love on the Internet are…ok, I’ll just say it, Losers. They are socially awkward, weird, and have no friends/life in which to meet people in the real world. But after living a whole year and ½ in LA and not finding any decent relationship material, I have to wonder if the World Wide Web is the way to go if you do in fact want something meaningful in this city of ‘angels’. So, here’s my question: What should I do? Should I go for it and then share the funny story to my grandkids someday about how the craigslist scam helped me find true love? Or should I stick to cynicism and the chance that my love match is out and about and it’s only a matter of time until I meet him. I really don’t want to spend the money on a website that could potentially just lead to further frustration. I can just get frustrated at a bar for basically free! What’s a girl to do?

Another thing is, I signed up with a fake name, so even if I do start chatting with these guys, it’s under false pretense and when’s a good time to tell them I lied? And then have to explain why I lied. Oy, this is getting much more complicated by the minute. Not to mention the fact that if we did happen to hit it off and had long term potential, I would absolutely HATE telling people we met online. I think I would force him to make up a story about how we met and stick to it. Always.

Why does meeting online have such a bad stigma attached to it? At least for me? It’s so strange. My mom actually attempted it when her and my father had called it quits. She met two guys. A rich, handsome man that lived an hour away and was quite charming. And a gross Guido (no offense) with a white trash family that lived in the worst part of town. She chose the Guido out of convenience. I prayed to God that he would never be my step-dad and thank God, he’s not.

Maybe that’s why I don’t like the idea. She’s now happily remarried to a man from her past, who she knew when she was highschool. So, the Internet didn’t do much good for her there. Hmm…I’m definitely gonna take a few days before I make a real decision, but I am having difficulty deciding.

Another development in my life. I moved the ring back to my right hand when I was on set the other day for the music video and forgot to move it back to the left. It’s been there now since Saturday and I think I might leave it. I’m confident enough now in myself that I’m making better decisions and judgments and don't so much need the ring to protect me. I can protect myself without having to lie and make up some story about a future wedding. I feel better.

Falling...in love?

March 8, 2009.

He’s falling in love with me. That’s what he told me, word for word. Completely honest. Ray is in love with me. And thus, we can no longer spend time together. Story of my life. We can’t be friends, you know why? “Because we were more than that from the moment we met.” Wait, hold up…who said this to me before? Right. Tony. How ironic. Two completely different humans, saying the nicest thing a girl could want to here, only one means it in an asshole sense and the other means it in the Love at First Sight sense. But they both have something in common: I don’t want them.

The whole time Ray was speaking to me I just kept listening and hearing what he was saying and all I could think was, “What the hell is wrong with me?” and I also kept thinking, “Boy am I gonna regret this!” But you know what? I can’t help but think I still did the right thing because I kept trying to cry. That’s right, trying…to cry. I came close, but no cigar.

I’m utterly confused and bewildered and have no idea any more what it is I’m looking for. Because I keep telling guys, “I’m not dating.” Or “I don’t want a relationship with anyone right now.” When what I mean to say is “I’m not gonna date you.” Or “ I don’t want to be in a relationship with you right now.” Truth be told, I would love to have a boyfriend. Someone to hang out with and chat with and have sleepovers with. But my options are not appealing to me right now. I’m not satisfied.

I’m jealous of Ray, because I desperately want to feel that way about someone. But I suppose it must suck when it’s unrequited. But, I would just like to feel again. Something. Something like love.

We shall see. Positive thoughts and fairy dust. That’s what I need right now! Take me away Peter Pan! (to never-never land).

Oh What A Night

March 8, 2009.

I’m so glad I get to start with a blank page every day. Thank goodness for that kindness the world has bestowed upon us. Let’s see…the last time I blogged I was about to go to the movies with Ray, Miguel and Lee.

Well…the movie was awful and Ray was unhappy because I didn’t meet up with him beforehand for dinner or drinks like he thought the plan was. Miscommunication totally on my part…but ugh, whatever. So I just got increasingly annoyed and frustrated with him throughout the night. He’s just too much. That’s all. Too much. I hate how up close and personal he gets. And I figured something else out too. When I’m with him I feel I can’t get a word in edgewise and then about three hours after we’re hanging out he stops, grabs my waist and right in my face with a big toothy grin asks, “So how are ya beautiful?” And then before I can give him a legit response he’s already on to the next thing.

I feel like I have to act more subdued to counterbalance his over the top energy. I don’t like it. I just wanna be myself. We ended the night with an awkward hug goodbye. No kiss. Then he text me saying, “I was gonna ask if you wanted to go grab a cake and a coffee and catch up.” I said I couldn’t, because I had an early morning the next day, which was true, it was already midnight and I needed my beauty sleep. I think this upset him also.

So on Saturday I was on set of a music video allllllll day long. It was pretty awful. Made some girlfriends who are very sweet, and barely talked to the boys. And here’s the zinger…I moved my ring. Not on purpose; I was looking at some jewelry this woman was selling on set and in order to try it on I had to take my ring off, so I just moved it back over to my right hand for safe keeping and forgot and left it there the rest of the day.

Went to Cecil’s that evening to hang out with peeps. While talking with one of my friends I went to show him the ring and had a mini panic attack because I had forgotten it was on my other hand. But then I decided to leave it. We were all going to a bar for karaoke and I was in the mood to mingle with the singles. Not a bad crowd, but God, now I remember why a)I don’t drink and b)why I don’t meet guys at bars.

The night seemed hopeful and full of potential, but here’s the cliff notes. Kissed Zack, my ex coworker who just kept complimenting me all night and it went to my head. So there was little tongue action. Found out right after that he spilled his guts to Nikki about how much he liked another girl. (I hate guys, did I mention that?) Had been chatting up this other sort of cute guy, who ended the night hanging out with a new worker from Cecil’s that brought us to that bar cuz it’s her fave. Then had been flirting with a guy named Ski who was pretty cute, and promised to sing a song just for me, then failed to even recognize me by the end of the night. (Oh, I hate guys, did I mention that yet?) Then the “bouncer” was chatting me up, and I was just being cordial in case I ever come back to that bar. Turns out he doesn’t even work there…um, men are scum. Bought a whiskey shot for a random mini man (he was shorter than me) who’d been looking at me all night and it was last call, so I thought I’d do him favor…allow him to join me in my misery. He asked that I come back sometime so he can “return the favor”. He’ll be back there in two weeks…looking for me. Doubt he’ll even remember what I look like. Told the bartender that he’s “absolutely adorable” and “I’m not just saying that cause I’m drunk, I thought you were adorable from the moment I walked in.” (I was already drunk). Text Ray and Rick (the two men I’ve dated that are above 35 yr.’s of age) at 3am because I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t worthless. I’m a fool and seriously don’t want to get that drunk again. It’s strange that wasn’t the drunkest I’ve been, it was just the first time I’ve been drunk in about a month, so I did it up royally.

Nikki and Jess slept over and we binged on shitty food, watched ‘Will and Grace’ and hated on men. I like how the night ended.

This morning I had a meeting with a director I’m hoping to work with. Oh my goodness, I’m in love. Ha, ok, not really, but it was the best non-date I’ve ever been on. It was just an interview so he could meet me in person and see if we click and if we get one another and if I’m what he’s looking for for this film he’s making. Well, we totally clicked right away and he asked me to be in not one, but two films he’s working on right now. I am so super psyched to work with him. I just think he’s great and I think the product is going to be truly fantastic, so I hope we have a long, happy, working relationship. Can’t wait! Now how come first dates can’t be that great? Ludicrous!!

More extra work tonight; might move the ring back. Later!!

Old Flames

March 5, 2009.

Oy vay. Will I ever cease to be frustrated? I think not. Ray text me today and invited me to come over for dinner tomorrow before we go to the movie. He’ll cook…what do I want? What I want is for him to not cook for me and to not kiss me when we meet up and not like me like that. What I want is to meet someone my age; who’s goofy and has no idea where his life is headed and needs me to be there along the ride. I want someone who’s got tons of flaws and makes me feel not so embarrassed about tripping and sweating and saying the wrong thing. I want someone a little less positive and able to speak a negative word every once in awhile. I want someone harder to get.

Is that too much to ask? Will I always do this? Find a great guy and freak out and run the opposite way? Find a million and one reasons not to date him, not to take his calls, not to believe what he tells me? Find every excuse in the book why it won’t work out?

Can’t I just stop thinking for two seconds????!!!!!

I don’t want major commitment. I don’t want marriage. I don’t want kids. I don’t want a 39yr old man who lives in a studio apt. I don’t want someone I never knew at my age.

I want to experience life with the man I’m supposed to be with. I want to know their past and present and be there as they fill in their future.

ARGH!!! I spent the whole day exercising because I had nothing else to do and am working on something tomorrow that I’m so embarrassed to even mention, but I need the money (no it’s not porn…I’m not that desperate yet). Especially, if I’m going out to drinks and a movie tomorrow night with people.

Don’t get me wrong. My life is really going great these days. I’m just so sick of myself not finding a guy I truly want to be with. I’ve got so many roadblocks and I make things so hard to enjoy. I don’t want to lose my independence and my right to spend a day doing whatever the heck I want, with whoever the heck I want and having no one in my life that’s allowed to judge or become jealous or angry. I’m not sure I want anyone to miss me. It’s just easier that way. Humph. Help me!

Ok, I just re-read what I’ve written to spell check and correct any errors and I know whom it is that I want. Don’t know if I should even write this, but it’s someone from my past; who I miss terribly. How does that happen? You kick someone out of your life and go years without speaking, but then, one lonely night, after a year and three months of not finding someone who’s right for you, you realize you had him way back when.

Age Appropriate = Awkwardness?

March 4, 2009.

Oh man. Let’s see. Went out for coffee with Sasha, who I haven’t seen in almost a year now. We met last January when we were in a play in Hollywood together. We were also both new to this city. I’ve been trying to get better at meeting up with people and rekindling old relationships. So we had a nice chat about how we’re both still single due to the fact that every guy we meet in L.A. is an asshole.

I kept thinking about Ray the whole time we were having our girl talk and was tempted to call him on my way back home and stop over and see him for a bit. But, I am trying to practice self-restraint in many ways. So, I did not.

However, after I got home, got ready for bed and was almost asleep I received a text saying, “You were on my mind all day today. If u are up right now, id come over for a cuddle and kiss. x” That was Ray. So I text him back and told him that I had thought about visiting him earlier in the night. He asked if he could come over for 5 min and I told him, no, I was already in bed. I’m still nervous about spending intimate time with him. I just don’t know.

Told my sister about him, which is sort of a big step, because I don’t like to tell her about just every guy; that seems stupid. Her advice about the age difference was to just not let it bother me. Ok…easier said than done.

Today, I did audience work…ugh, gag me with a spoon. But after the fifth show they taped, I was seated next to a cute guy and we struck up a conversation. He was kind of shy and I liked that. We didn’t even introduce ourselves, just chatted. When we were leaving we passed eachother and smiled and waved and cordially said, “Nice to meet you!” Even though, we never really did meet, now did we?

He was much more age appropriate for me, but I couldn’t help but picture a first date between us and how awkward the entire night would be. Even if we did end up hitting it off and wanted to pursue eachother further, it would start awkwardly.

I wonder if it’s because of Ray’s age that it isn’t awkward with him. He’s just so whole and complete within himself that nothing feels contrived or forced and everything just moves along super smooth and naturally. Hmm. I like that.

He’s supposed to come out with Lee, Miguel and me on Friday to see “The Watchmen”. I’m excited to go out, just not sure if or when I’ll be able to transition our relationship into something more personal and intimate. It’s weird.

Not Sure.

March 3, 2009.

So there have been some developments. Went out with Miguel and Lee last night and decided to invite Ray. He accepted the invite and met us at Cheesecake Factory in the Grove.

Apparently we’re on a kissing hello basis. A little much, but I don’t really mind. Sitting having coffee and chatting with the three of them just felt so nice. I found myself having such a great time and realizing it. I even had the thought, “I’m very happy right now and I’m not even drunk.” Ray is such a great guy. I just don’t know what to do about it. I found myself thinking…why not?

I think it could be really great. I don’t know for how long, but I think it could. He’s so intense though, I find myself feeling a bit overwhelmed when I’m with him and other people. It’s strange because he’s so very into me, telling me, touching me, kissing me, telling the people we’re with, “Isn’t she just gorgeous?” And it reminds me of how into my mom my stepfather is. It’s always been gross to me and it makes me uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of it. I love being told I’m gorgeous and being kissed and hugged and all that good stuff, but I like it in the privacy of my own apt. or in a car or when I’m on a date, alone with that other person. I don’t like being singled out and focused on. I feel like it makes the people around us uncomfortable, but maybe I’m just imagining things. Maybe no one is uncomfortable except for me.

So Ray, eh? It’s lookin’ pretty good for him…

On a completely different note, I was going through my emails today, checking for an email I had received over a year ago in 2007 and I stumbled across an email exchange I had with “the ex”. I read it and it seemed as if I was peering into someone else’s private letters, not one that I myself had written. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be in love. Here’s the exchange:

Letter from “the ex”:

I am sorry for being so weird. First and foremost, I know how
important it is for you to go to California and see if it really is
for you, and to learn to surf and read Variety every day and all that
stuff. I know how important it is for you, and that is why I would
never let you stay here. I also know that adding marriage is a
ridiculous thing to add to the already complicated equation. I just
don't want to lose you. Someone is gonna grab you and scoop you up
and I want that person to be me. I don't want to go to California,
and I don't really wanna get married at 24 and 23 when neither of us
are ready; i just don't wanna let you go and let someone else get my
dream girl. I don't wanna call you someday and you say you met some
guy and he's charming and cute and can be all the things I can't and
doesn't do all the bad things I do. I don't want to let you go and
regret it forever. I hope this made some sense. I miss you and love
you badly!

My response:

Babe,
The most important thing you could do for me right now is fully support my decision to head west. I know it's hard to do, and I appreciate you every time you let me gush about California and don't throw in a "it'll steal your soul" reply. I'm terrified to leave you just as much as you're terrified to let me go. Believe it or not. The more we get closer to moving the sadder i get when thinking about being without you. I don't know how I'm going to date again after you...everything just goes smoothly with you. The other day I had the crazy thought of trying long distance with you...just because I'm selfish and am not ready to say goodbye. But if we ever did long distance we'd just end up destroying everything good between us...subconsciously we'd always be jealous and unhappy no matter how faithful and loyal we were each being on opposite coasts. If the universe has a plan for the two of us I will put my faith in fate and let it play out as it's meant to. I love you. That's the important part right now. The marriage stuff can come later if that's where our paths lead. And if it does, I won't be disappointed! I'm going to California with the mind set that I'm in love with a man in NYC and not looking for "flings" or affairs, or a whole lot of that physical stuff...you know how much it takes to get me into bed. I've had my "summer of fun" and got it out of my system. Now it's time for me to really discover life by myself, and find out what it takes for me to be truly happy. Maybe I'll discover that the answer is you. Who knows...whatever it is I'm excited to find out. And I'm excited for you to find out what does it for you. It's all very exciting and I don't want any of that excitement to be snuffed out by our paranoia or jealousy. I love you. We'll always have Bliss...


Not sure if I’m ready to say “I love you” to someone yet. Not sure if I’m ready to find someone I feel that strongly for again. Not sure.

Too Eager...

March 2, 2009.

Ray has text me three times already since seeing him yesterday. He was MIA all last week after discussing how I have absolutely no time for a relationship. I guess he took the week to think about it, but then after hanging out yesterday, he’s back at it in full force! He wants to go to another movie this week. I’m not opposed to the idea, but not sure yet if I want to go just the two of us or invite Miguel and Lee so that it’s a little more friendly.

Tonight I’m hanging out with them (my fave couple). Think we’re gonna grab drinks and appetizers at a bar somewhere. For me it’ll have to be coffee and veggies. Still trying to get my body into a more desirable shape. It’s funny, I was researching places to go tonight, my requirements being cheap, fun and healthy eats. Then I noticed the side tab that I could click for great places for singles to go. I considered clicking it, but didn’t. I suppose L.A. bars are not the greatest places to meet relationship men.

I keep thinking about Will today. He’s back in the states and I’m sure exhausted and jet lagged. I’m dying to write him and once again put my efforts into him visiting me out here! I just want to see his adorable face in person. It kills me to know there’s this great guy out there and we could potentially have a great relationship, but he’s across the country, in a completely different world than me. Ugh. How completely and utterly unfair.

Alright, I’ve spent way too many hours in this coffee house. I know there are other important things I should be doing today, but I have forgotten what they are…I’m going home.

I'm Broken...

March 1, 2009.

Happy March folks! Here’s to another month single! Where do I begin? So much happens within 24 hours…

Went out to see a friend in a play last night, afterwards we all went out to ‘Yogurtland’. Got a text from Band member #1, saying he wanted to cuddle. I thought, what the heck…what do I have to lose? I took a chance and drove all the way down to Redondo Beach, making the directions up as I went along, the whole time being optimistic and thinking, “Maybe he’s a great kisser and we’ll have terrific chemistry and I’ll fall for him…”

Well, that didn’t happen. Not even close. I arrived at his hotel, and apparently he wasn’t there, he was at the beach and there was “drama”. So I waited for 15 min and text him telling him I didn’t have time for drama. So he told me to meet him down by the beach, so I drove as close as I could and no sign of him. Then I decided to leave. I text him, “Alright, I’m heading home.” And he text me something about how he was walking back to the hotel with some drunk girl…I’d heard enough. I drove off.

But the weird thing was, even though I put myself out there, I wasn’t upset to be coming home alone. I think it’s because I don’t really have feelings for him. Which is a new thing I’m discovering: hooking up just ain’t as fun when you really don’t care about the person.

Today I slept late, got up and went for a nice long run then called Ray. He just moved to his new place yesterday and we were going to celebrate today. So we made lunch plans. I went to Ralph’s on my way and picked up a bamboo plant as a house warming present. It represents good luck and purity (ironically enough). I bought one for myself as well. I got to Ray’s around 3pm, he showed me his place, it’s quite cute.

Then we walked to get lunch. And walked…and walked…and walked. I sweat…and sweat…and sweat. It was humiliating. By the time we got to lunch, I was drenched with sweat. Ray reassured me it was “sexy”. Now what is wrong with me that I can’t get into a man that thinks my sweat is sexy???? Argh!!!

I actually really enjoyed spending the day with Ray, despite the perspiration. He is so damn cute. And that accent…killer. I told him I had to leave by 5:30pm for my improv tonight, which was a lie, I had until 6:30, I just wasn’t sure earlier if I was going to need an out or not. But truth be told, I wanted to spend more time with him.

I’m honestly dying for a day of lounging with him. I enjoy his company a lot and I just want a day that we can just be. Just be and not have to do anything. I think I’d thoroughly enjoy it. Ugh. I just want to be comfortable around someone. Just be myself. And here in front of me is this guy who I most definitely could be myself around, my plain jane, sweaty, goofy self, and he’d still want me.

What’s my damage??

Humph.