Karma

June 30, 2009.

I'm at home in bed with a very sore throat right now...barely able to talk. I think it's karma.

I was supposed to be up and surfing with Madrid this morning. He called me yesterday and wanted to go on a “surf date” with me today. Very cute. So, I agreed. I slept through my alarm this morning and through a call from Vienna and from Madrid. Man oh man...karma.

Was supposed to work tonight too, but Lacey's going to cover for me since answering the phone usually takes a voice.

Ok, so I've been setting weekly goals for myself as a way to accomplish the things I need to accomplish in my life. I think two of my goals for this week are: 1)no drinking (the 4th is exempt, however) and 2)no sleepovers.

I think I can abide by these for a week. Then we'll see if it clears up my sickness and my crazy thoughts.

I sent an email to Seattle last night. I've been feeling a little off lately and realized what having him read my blog might entail. I was worried that he was thinking about “what if's”. What if we had stayed together? Would Irene have been cheating on me?

And I just wanted to clarify for him that I absolutely would not have cheated on him. I was falling hard for Seattle and when I fall for someone it makes me want to be the best possible person I can be. That's why sometimes I feel like I “need” a relationship. Because it keeps me focused and keeps me from making stupid mistakes. I'm always such a good person when I'm dating someone I really care for. And of course, good is “in the eye of the beholder”. Not that I think I'm a bad person for doing the things I do, but sometimes I do feel like I've strayed off the path of who I want to be in the long run.

Anywho, just rambling. I'll end this here, since I've made you all endure through my last two ridiculously long blogs.

No judgment please...

June 29, 2009.

Alright, I'll admit. I've been a little slow putting this next post up, because honestly, I'm feeling a bit of judgment from my readers.

But, the whole point of this blog was honesty, first and foremost. I never promised to be entertaining, I never promised to be perfect, I never promised to succeed in my original goals. But I did promise to be completely honest. So, I will keep that promise.

Ok, so back track to Friday night. I met up with Todd and went to a bar to hang out with him and his sister who was visiting town. I was looking forward to seeing him interact with his family, since I've never seen it before.

His sister was very sweet and a ball of energy and attitude. So not what I pictured any sister of Todd's to be. I was still exhausted and recuperating from our trip. So, I refrained from any alcohol intake. I was pretty lame. I was quiet and lacking energy and just out of it. Todd could tell and kept saying that we could just head home if I wanted. I did consider for a moment just coming home and passing out in my empty bed. But, something kept me out.

Finally the night crawled to the end. I could tell that Todd's sis was unhappy because she was in town visiting a boy, but he was way downtown staying at the Omni Hotel and not willing to come pick her up. I offered to drive her down there, since I had not a drop to drink. Todd kept telling me I was so wonderful and “the best” for doing this. However, I had ulterior motives...I wanted to snuggle with Todd in his bed as opposed to the couch that night, and his sis was sleeping in his room, so that wouldn't have been possible. Yes, I'm selfish and sneaky.

We dropped her off at the hotel and headed back to Santa Monica, with a quick trip to McDonald's...Todd was a bit drunk and needed some substance. Then we got to his place and like two seconds later were passed out.

I had to get up for a rehearsal the next morning, but hey...I slept great that night! And no alcohol!

Saturday night turned into a very unexpected adventure and a source for much judgment...

The C's peeps all went out to Rocco's because the owner of C's was going out and offered to buy us all drinks if we met him there. Todd text me earlier, he was planning on coming out as well, but then wasn't feeling so well. I told him his sis should still come out with us anyhow. So he met us at Rocco's to drop off Sis.

We stayed for a round of drinks at Rocco's, then decided to head for Firefly down the street. I was driving, so again, no drinks for me. Well, before we headed to Firefly, I guess Jess had text Laurie and told him to come out with us. She wrote, “No Madrid though...he might make people in a bad mood.” And before you know it, in walks Laurie, shortly followed by Madrid. Oh man. I guess it's a good thing Todd wasn't out with us or this could've turned awkward quickly.

At Firefly, we met up with some more people and we got our dance on a little bit. Madrid kept eyeing me while he was at the bar ordering a drink. I tried to ignore it. Then he came over to me as I was dancing and offered his hand. I just looked at it and scoffed. He was offended.

Finally he pulled me aside and pulled up a chair and asked me to sit and talk with him. He's so closed off to emotions that he's not willing to admit he likes me or fears that he cares for me. He told me that he gets intimidated every time he comes out and there's a whole big group of us and other guys. He watches me with the other guys and how's he “supposed to know if he's your boyfriend or that guy over there's your boyfriend.” I reassured him that they are all co-workers and definitely not my “boyfriends” and then I called him out on being jealous.

He said, “I can never just talk to you.”

And I said, “If you wanna talk, you call me up and ask me out to dinner or coffee. You don't come to a bar expecting to talk.”

He got me all heated inside and at one point I almost stormed away. It's this challenge of getting him to like me. It was the same with Tony. He was so aloof and too cool for school to admit that he genuinely cared about me, but sometimes he'd slip and say I was beautiful or look at me some way or touch me gently and I just knew he cared. So, I'd hold out hoping for more moments like that. Same thing here with Madrid. I think he's scared to fall for someone because then his defenses will be down and he'll be able to get hurt. Well, I think he sees potential to fall for me...ooh how it makes me want to break down his walls and get to the center!

Anywho, Sis asked me again to take her to the Omni that night. I was hesitant but I thought about it and agreed. Again, sort of for selfish, sneaky reasons. I had left my phone charger at Todd's the night before and we had to stop there to get her stuff on the way anyhow.

We showed up at Todd's and he greeted us with adorable bedhead and in pj's. I kissed and hugged him for a bit while we waited for Sis to get her stuff ready. He wanted me to come back after dropping her off and cuddle.

I knew I couldn't do this because at 9am the next morning I had to be at Union Station picking up Vienna who had decided to arrive in the morning and spend the day with me. I collected my phone charger and drove one last time to the Omni to drop off Sis.

On the way home I called Madrid. He had called while I was in the car with Sis, and obviously I couldn't talk in front of her, so I told him I'd call him back. He told me to call when I was closer to home because he wanted to come over.

So, I did. He came over and spent the night. Eek. I know. But we chatted a bit more, we snuggled and no, we absolutely did not have sex. He started getting frisky and I said, “I can not have sex with you.”

He looked at me and said, “You can not?”

And I said, “I can not.”

The thing about spending that night with him though was that he actually cuddled me. Close and affectionately. He buried his head in my shoulder. It was sweet...a sneak peak at the man behind the wall.

The next morning I got up and Madrid was still so passed out. I didn't want to make him get up, but I was off to see another man in my life...oy, when did I become such a multi-tasker?

I let Madrid stay and knew that I would just have to keep Vienna out of my place for a few hours until Madrid had left for work.

I picked up Vienna and had a wonderfully passionate kiss hello. I took him to get breakfast at my favorite breakfast place. However, we ended up sitting there for over 30 minutes with no server, so we decided to head out. The thing I liked about that situation was that other people may have gotten annoyed or testy and pissed. But Vienna just stared at me smiling, chatting away and told me that we should head somewhere else, he wasn't all that hungry.

I took him to the Getty. I figured it's beautiful there and we could walk around the garden and just be lazy. That we did. We found a bench in the garden and perched for a good long time and kissed and cuddled. I was so tired, obviously, that I just wanted to go back home and sleep.

I told him we should get out of there. It was already 2pm...man, time flew with him. Knowing, my bed was now vacant, I was hoping to catch a quick nap with Vienna before work.

Back at my place, we hopped in bed. Started getting hot and heavy. I kept thinking, I should stop this, I should say no. I should refrain from having sex. But then I was also thinking, well, I want to and who's really saying I shouldn't and what real reason do I have for not enjoying the here and now?

We had some sex and it was rather nice. Then we passed out and I woke up 20min before I was supposed to be at work. I jumped up, threw on some clothes, despite not showering and smelling of sex. And I took Vienna to work with me because his friends were picking him up and weren't there yet.

He was so sweet the entire day and I realized while he sat at C's waiting for his ride that I was really going to miss him. I really may never see him again. How weird is that? I mean there are one night stands with people you meet at a bar and hope to never see again, but then there are these rare one day stands where you wish you had a choice in the matter, but don't.

His friends picked him up about 15 minutes later and I went out to say goodbye. It was strange. I felt like I was saying, “Goodbye for now.” Even though he was leaving to get on a plane and fly back to his enchanted foreign world.

Humph.

Well, last night I went out with Nikki and we met up with some other C's peeps later at Laurel Tavern. Got into a heated “debate” with one of Mike's friends because he was being a complete jerk. Then Todd met up with us there. I was really happy to see him. He told me he wanted to spend the night at my place, which also made me happy. So, I drank up my last beer and we headed home. I was pretty drunk, and apologized to him for being messy. He told me he loves it when I'm drunk.

We climbed in bed and snuggled. I asked him what exactly was going on with him the other day. He told me that his heart had been racing (in a bad way) the other night and that's why he didn't join us out at Rocco's. I asked him what was going on and he informed me that he thinks it might be the supplements he was taking as well as the redbull he'd been drinking. I told him that scared me and he shouldn't take anything because he doesn't need to be “bigger”. He agreed. We snuggled close all night and he left bright and early for work. In my blurry vision I could see him all dressed up, slacks, dress shirt and tie. He had a meeting at 10am. He kissed me goodbye and said, “See you later, babe.”

He's never called me 'babe' before and I liked it. I also liked waking up next to him on a weekday. This was a first for us. I also just like waking up next to him.

My mind is going a mile a minute about this past weekend.

But just so you all know, I feel powerful. I feel like I had control in each and every situation I put myself in and it was great.

I am Supergirl...

June 26, 2009.


“What happens in San Diego, stays in San Diego!” This is what we cheers to in our hotel room yesterday before heading out to the Gaslamp District for some heavy partying.

Well, I won't disclose my girls stories, but I'll fill you all in on mine!

We spent the day on the beach, almost got a tattoo, learned of M.J's passing (thought the guy who told us was joking), then headed back to our hotel to get dolled up and go out and paint San Diego red!

We drank a whole bottle of vodka while getting ready. When the cab driver dropped us off, we climbed out, lookin' hot and full of confidence. As we passed restaurant after restaurant, heads were turning, but with looks of disgust. We're definitely not in L.A. anymore, Toto. People hated us! This was hilarious to us and it just made us all act up more. We went crazy.

We finally landed at a Mexican restaurant that seemed to fit our style. Actually, the group of Navy guys that were sitting outside shouting at us as we passed is what really drew us in. We grabbed a round of drinks, ordered some food and invited the Navy boys to join us at the table. And join us, they did.

They decided to head out to another bar and we soon headed out as well. The night was full of promises. We walked by a bar with a mechanical bull in the window...naturally we had to go in. Jess, Lacey and my friend A.E. (from back home who was visiting Diego this week also) all took turns riding the bull. I videotaped. We met a real like cowboy named Tex who let us try on his cowboy hat and grab his ass in admiration.

Then we quickly were on to the next bar like children with A.D.H.D. I wish I could tell you names of bars we went to, but I have no idea. I just know that we went to at least four different bars last night.

So, while at the second to last bar of the evening, Lacey and I were outside in the patio area and all night we had been shouting at pedicab drivers that they were, “Too cute to be a driver!” Who knows what that even meant, but it was fun and they seemed to like it. So, while outside on this patio, there were three pedicab drivers in front of us. I just pointed at them and started shouting, “Too cute!” They soon walked over to us and started chatting. We learned that all three of them were from Turkey. One of them claimed it was his first day, another said it was his second and the third said he'd been working for 5. They had thick accents and didn't speak English very well, but we tried to have a conversation. They were pretty cute.

Lacey and I returned to inside the bar and were dancing with Nikki when I had the brilliant idea to go outside and kiss the cab drivers. Lacey had stated earlier that she wanted to make out with people that night. So, I said, “Let's just go out there and start making out with them!” So we ran outside, approached our two favorites and Lacey laid one on her guy. I sort of chickened out, but proceeded to chat more with mine. I don't even know what we were talking about. But I did give him my number.

Then we were off to our final bar of the evening. A.E. had decided he needed to head home, so I waited for his ride outside of the bar with him. After they showed up and we said our goodbyes, I walked back to the bar, which conveniently passed by the pedicab drivers on the way. So, as I walked by, I grabbed the one I had exchanged numbers with and kissed him. He was a great kisser. Very passionate. I was in love.

He told me had been nervous because I was with that guy (A.E.) and I told him he didn't have to worry, that A.E. was family.

Then I went into the bar and met up with my girls again. Had a shot that some guy handed me, Nikki and Lacey. Danced a bit, then wanted to make out with Pedicab some more. I went outside and walked back over to him. We made out for a good like 20 min. He was so adorable. He kept telling me that he was so happy and that he wished I lived in San Diego or that he could live in L.A. and I could be his girlfriend. And he wasn't even the drunk one.

I was having such a good time with him on the side of the street, just kissing and every once in awhile we'd stop and he'd bust some kind of move, then giggle and kiss me again. Seriously, I was smitten. He hadn't given any rides the whole night and I told him, “You're not making any money!” And he'd just smile and say, “I don't need money. I'm not working.”

I said goodbye (for now) to him and headed back into the bar. Not more than 5 minutes after being in the bar again, someone grabbed my hand on the dance floor, kissed it, then pulled me close and started dancing with me. He was a really good dancer. I let my body just go limp as he carried me away to the music.

He was from Austria. Vienna to be exact. He twirled me, dipped me, spun me, pulled me close and soon after kissed me. I felt sick. Not in my stomach, but in my heart. I proceeded to make out with Vienna, all the while trying to glance outside and see if Pedicab was watching. The bars were right next to eachother and we were making out in front of the window. I felt bad, because I really had enjoyed my brief drunken time with Pedi. I thought he was genuinely adorable and sweet and he made me smile. I didn't want to hurt him.

Vienna and I danced and kissed until the night was over. As the crowd filtered onto the street, I kept looking around for Pedi and trying not to be near Vienna so that if Pedi was around, Vienna couldn't kiss me in front of him.

Then, I spotted Pedi, across the street, watching. Vienna swooped in and kissed me. Damn! Damn! I recoiled and jumped into a cab that had just pulled up. I started to tear up a bit. I was very sad. Sad that I hurt Pedi. My phone beeped and I checked it. It was a text from Pedi. Here is the conversation that followed:

Before we left the bar, Pedi had sent this and I hadn't noticed: “Hi, you don't answer phone but before you gone I wanna hug you.”

I noticed this when I got into the cab and was saddened by his sweetness.

Ok, so here's what happened next:

Pedi: You are not supergirl erase my number...

(he had put me in his phone as Irene Supergirl)

Me: I want to be your supergirl...I won't erase your number.

Pedi: Go to the bar and be supergirl of same boy I don't know I am upset eraseeeeeee. By Irene.

Me: I'm sorry. I'm really sad right now...you were on my mind all night. I understand though if you are angry. I would be too. Good luck. I hope you find happiness...

Pedi: If you thought me alnight why I saw u kisses with another boy? I only wonder that

Me: I won't make excuses. I kissed another boy and I felt terrible. It doesn't make any sense but i'm terribly sad now. I don't know you at all, but I know I couldn't stop smiling when I was with you and I'm sad now. So i'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

Pedi: Now I am at home and thinking you oww I don't know what I do. But I said when I saw you kissing with boy I couldn't believe my eyes anyway smile everytime...

So, there you have the beginning and end of my relationship with the cute Turkish Pedicab driver. I'm amazed at how sad I got. I like, genuinely like him! I mean, yeah, maybe it was the alcohol, but I don't normally get that attached to drunken kisses.

So, onto the next chapter of the evening. Vienna's friend was quite smitten with Lacey as well, so she had told them where our hotel was and that they could come party if they wanted. Neither of us expected them to actually show up. I was sitting outside moping about my lost Pedi love when a cab pulled up and out walked Vienna and his friend. Vienna found me on the stairs and hugged me and kissed me and asked what was going on in my head.

I wanted to tell him that I'm a horrible person and that I broke some stranger's heart and that I just felt like shit. But I didn't.

We walked up to my room where everyone else had gone and I dropped off my purse, then we went to sit outside and chat. I learned that he just turned 30 in May. He's a Gemini. Go figure. His english was little rough also, but it was kind of charming because I would say things he didn't understand and he would repeat it and then say, “What is the meaning of this?”

He was so in tune with my body language though, he knew I was upset about something and kept asking. He told me to “Get out of my head, stop thinking so much.”

We just sat outside, kissing and holding one another for the next 2 ½ hours. He was very comforting. Just a very calm presence. He told me that I should visit Austria sometime. He said it was unfortunate that we live so far apart. I told him that I wanted to sleep next to him all night. He said we should get a hotel room so that we could.

I was exhausted and I think at one moment I fell asleep in his arms. It was just so comfortable and at one moment we were looking in each others eyes and I had the thought I knew him. As if we'd met before.

Then he said to me, “This feels familiar. As if we've known eachother for years.” He was reading my mind. Finally, I was just way too tired to stay out there anymore. We exchanged numbers and talked about the possibility of seeing one another on sunday. His flight back to Austria is out of LAX, so he was thinking he would be back in L.A. and we could meet up. Hmmm...

We kissed goodnight and I passed out with four hours left to sleep.

At least we were all laughing about our hijinks from the previous night this morning. We stopped to get breakfast before hitting the road back home and Vienna text me. He proceeded to text me again and again trying to convince me to stay an extra day. I wish I could, but reality calls.

So, I told him to meet me in L.A. on sunday. Then, he text with the idea of coming sooner, as in, tonight or tomorrow. Wow. I would like to see him again, but he's from Austria and not planning on moving here anytime soon, so honestly what's the point? He sent me this text midway through the day:

“Honestly, I thought a little about last eve and I really enjoyed spending the time with you, I think it was one of the most relaxing parts so far. Stupid being so far away from each other but we should definitely discuss about it on sunday hmmm.”

Well, I managed to have two foreigners fall in love with me in one day. Maybe I am supergirl...

"Take it or Leave it Bitches!"

June 25, 2009

2:32 am

Me, Lacey, Jess and Nikki are in San Diego Bitch!!!!!

Impromptu trip with the ladies down to sunny beaches and happenin' nightlife. No guys, no drama, just drinks and good times! How I adore these ladies!

Jess is already passed out drunk. The girls proceeded to finish off two bottles of wine and a bottle of Chimay while I drove us down to S.D. It was hilarious...

Tomorrow our plan is to spend the entire day at the beach and just drink, drink, drink.

One funny thing though...I kinda miss Todd. Hmm. I don't work Friday so I think I'll get to see him then. His sister's in town. I'll actually get to meet a member of his family. Kind of excited about it! Alright, well, it's late, we're all pretty silly and we got a long day of lounging ahead of us tomorrow, so I'm off for now! Stories to follow!

On my mind...

June 23, 2009.


It's beautiful outside!!! What am I doing in still? Just wanted to blog quickly and shortly because I may not get to later today.

Things on my mind:

Todd
Seattle
The infamous ex
HSsweetheart

The boys that have made me who I am today. I keep feeling as if I want to get back in contact with the 'ex'. I don't know why lately, I just feel like reaching out and being friends again. I guess there's something there that I'm missing. Sometimes I think about our relationship and it's hard to believe it ever really happened...kind of like a really fucked up fairy tale. Still not sure if I want to open that can of worms yet. Not quite ready.

All day yesterday I kept wanting to text Seattle, “I miss you.” I do.

Then last night I dreamt about Todd. My dream was that he stopped in at my apt and brought like a whole football team with him. They were all expecting to spend the night and eat my food. I had no idea this was happening and was a bit pissed that Todd didn't inform me so that I could be better prepared. Despite the surprise I tried my best to accommodate everyone and make a delicious meal, but my efforts were null and void. I think I did cuddle with Todd in my dream though. Weird.

Saw a boy yesterday that reminded me of HSsweetheart. Made me miss him. That's another fairy tale I wouldn't mind revisiting someday.

Alright. Enough of the indoors! I'm ready to soak up some sun!

Seattle's crush...

June 22, 2009.

No movie with Todd last night. He didn't call me. I'm assuming he passed out when he got home, he was rather exhausted. Instead, I had a nice chat with Seattle.

I had shot him a text teasing him about reading my blog, so he called me. It was nice. It's funny because he asks “what's new?” but sort of already knows the answer because he does read my blog. However, my blog is only one very small fraction of my life: the part dealing with boys. I don't write about the other more important aspects that often.

The nice thing about Seattle though, is that he's genuinely interested in my life. I tell the most mundane stories and he finds them amusing. It makes me feel good. He seems to be extremely busy these days as well, but happy. That also makes me feel good. I don't know how he does it though. If Seattle had a blog about all the girls in his life, I would not be able to read it. I just kept thinking while on the phone, “Please don't talk about other girls...I don't want to know.” But, I suppose it's easier for him, because he's the one that needed out of the relationship where as I was still wanting to be with him.

Well, the conversation was nice, but at one point Seattle started having regrets, “Should I not have called?”

I don't know why he got nervous all of a sudden, because up until that point we'd been having a pleasant talk, with laughter and all that goes along with pleasantries. But I reassured him it was fine that he called. Then he told me he felt nervous and anxious talking to me.

I think it's cute. It means he still likes me (at least I hope that's what it means). He tried to explain that when he met me he felt the same anxiety, because I was “a very attractive woman” and he didn't think I wanted to be talking with him.

It's kind of funny, because when I first met Seattle, I felt that he was out of my league. So, I didn't try to hard to impress him, because, like I say, I don't chase. He was just so not typical of the types of guys I ever go for. But somehow, that's what made it work so well.

Well, I hope he still likes me. I want him to. It makes me feel good.

Slumber Party #2

June 21, 2009.

Longest day of the year...love it! Woke up next to Todd this morning. It was rather nice.

Last night, went out with Nikki and Lacey. Was supposed to go out with Todd and his boys but didn't like the idea of going to the club they were going to. So, yet again, me and the girls hit up Rocco's.

However, before we went I text Todd, “Come take a nap with me, I'm exhausted!” and he said, “I'm on my way!” He wasn't kidding, he was at my door in ten minutes and we snuggled until our friends updated us on evening plans. It was super nice. I had a kind of shitty day at work and I really needed that cuddle and it was so pleasant to have it right there and available for me.

Back to the evening with the girls. We once again rocked out at Rocco's. The bartenders know and love us now, one of them bought us a round of shots. We got pretty drunk and had a great time. We made some friends with some other girls and met a group of guys that were in their early twenties...made us all feel old as they chatted about their junior year of college. Never knew how young I actually was.

After the bar we headed to Jerry's Deli to get some grub, we were starving. Nikki and I ate enough for four. We ordered nachos, a burger and fries (to split) and french toast. It was delicious. Todd met us there and took the taxi back with us. He was a little drunk and goofy himself. It was cute.

He slept over. We made out. Got semi-nakey (I didn't let him get me completely naked). He kept asking if I had a condom and I just kept saying no. Has he already forgotten my email or did he just not know that “sans” meant without?

Well, I succeeded in not having sex. I slept better last night with Todd then the previous night, I think again, because it was my apartment and probably because I was drunk.

We woke up this morning to go to the beach and surf. However, it turned into a day full of driving for me and the girls and no surfing. But we still managed to have a great time. We laid out for a few hours, then grabbed drinks and dinner with Todd and one of his friends.

Surfer had called me earlier and invited me to hang out in Manhattan Beach, which, ironically is where we ended up. He was having a BBQ and going surfing. I really sort of wanted to hang out with him today, but obviously couldn't hang with him and Todd at the same time, so I had to pass yet again on his invite.

Also, last night, Laurie had invited us all to go to Santa Monica. He said him and Madrid were going out there and that Madrid knew someone with a house down there that we could all crash at if we wanted. I, very unfortunately, had to pass on this as well. I can not hang with Madrid anymore. I don't ever want him thinking that the reason I'm there is to see him. It's not. It's because I enjoy Laurie's company.

Laurie text me while we were at Rocco's saying, “You guys should come to S.M! Madrid says we're skinny dipping!”

My response: “Well have fun, i've already seen the goods and they're not that great...”

Yes, I actually sent that. Laurie told me he'd pass the message along...ha, I hope he did!

So, I'm feeling pretty good these days. Confident and happy. I may be seeing a movie with Todd tonight, if I don't fall asleep first.

I was sitting at dinner tonight with Todd's hand on my knee and thinking, “This is not who I imagined myself sitting next to a year ago.” Strange how things work out. We shall see...time will tell.

Slumber Party #1

June 20, 2009.

Alright. I got off work earlier than expected last night so I shot a text to Todd, “Take out and a movie in?” Then I headed home to change quickly, grab everything I needed for today (I knew I was gonna spend the night) and headed down to Santa Monica.

Todd greeted me outside with Pug. The three of us walked to a sushi place around the corner and got take out. Then we returned to his apartment and ate delicious food and watched “Don't Mess With the Zohan”. It was nice. Afterwards we were both exhausted so we went straight to bed.

Todd was a complete gentleman and didn't even attempt to fool around. But he cuddled me close.

I could not sleep. I don't know why, I was just sort of in this state of half awareness all night long. I had to get up early, perhaps my mind was nervous about that, but I was kind of miserable. I think it may be Todd's place. I just don't feel completely comfortable there...ever. He was cute and didn't want me to get up this morning, told me that “this is why [he] loves weekends...” and that he can't wait for a morning we can both sleep in and grab breakfast together the next day.

Which, that might be tomorrow morning. I think I'm spending the night with him again tonight, either my place or his and then tomorrow we have plans to go with a big group to Hermosa and attempt to surf and spend the whole day at the beach. I'm pretty stoked about it!

Last night right when we got into bed his phone started ringing. He got up to check it and didn't answer saying that he had a “stage 5 stalker.” And he said, “I bet you have a few of those yourself.” Nope. I just have guys that fuck me and never call again.

But the funny thing was, I guess I was a little shocked that a girl was calling him. I don't know what it is, but I just can never picture him hitting on girls, giving out his number or being with anyone else. I know it makes no sense at all...I mean he hit on me, gave me his number, etc. But, it just always surprises me when I realize there are other women in his life. Not that I think he's seeing anyone but me right now, because I do believe that he is so busy that his only free time is most often spent with me on the weekends...

She (or at least I believe it was her) called twice more that evening and proceeded to text at least three times. Here is my case in point: I will never be that girl. If he's not answering or returning your calls or texts then he's probably in bed with someone else. I don't chase.

I'm getting to the point...

June 19, 2009.

Man oh man. I got up yesterday and spent the entire day on set of an infomercial. After the previous nights drinking extravaganza I was pretty exhausted. However, at 6pm when I got off set, I called Nikki and Jess, we all met up for dinner and then planned on going out again. Despite Jess' remaining hangover and my pure exhaustion.

It was just gonna be the three of us until...CRAgent text to see what I was up to. Then said he'd try to meet us out if he got all his laundry done. Then Todd text saying he really wanted to see me and misses me. Then I had to make the decision of which one to actually invite out, because obviously they both can't be there. Then Laurie text me and invited us to go to the Roosevelt for Jazz Night. Awesome. So we told him, “We're on our way!”

Then the thought...well, what if Madrid is there. So, Todd and I already have plans for this weekend, so he told me to go ahead and party like a rockstar, he'll see me Friday or Sat. Ok...then CRAgent finally decided that his laundry was too big of a task and told me to call him if I got bored later. Meaning, if I need a booty call, he's around. No thanks.

So the universe made up my decision for me. Madrid was who I was meant to spend my evening with. We got to Jazz night and Madrid was the first person we say. I hugged him noncommittally and asked, “Where's Laurie?” I knew this would get under his skin.

Then I proceeded to keep my back to him while ordering drinks at the bar and he finally took me by the shoulders and turned me to face him. He was frustrated. Then as we chatted a bit at the bar he traded places with me because he “couldn't see my face” the shadow was too much.

Then he disappeared for a bit. Jess, Nikki, Laurie and I danced shortly, then us girls perched ourselves near the back of the club to chat.

Eventually, Madrid found his way back to us and moved us into a larger area where all of us could sit together. I secretly made note of where Madrid decided to sit. There was a large leather couch, Jess was the first to claim a seat on it. Then I sat on the other end of it, purposely not leaving quite enough room for one more next to me. But...Madrid pushed his way onto the couch next to me.

What is the deal? I just wanted to scream at him the whole time, “Why are you such an asshole??? And why do I still think you're attractive despite your asshole-ness?”

So, I acted pretty distant the entire night, not sure he noticed. He went into one of his rants and I half listened pretending to care and fully understand what he was saying, while planning my attack. It presented itself nicely.

He told me a Chinese proverb: “The nail that sticks out is the first to get hammered.” So, he was sticking out and I was ready to hammer away! (That is so not meant in any sexual manner). So, I asked him about the previous night. He admitted to being a little upset that I text Laurie and not him. He played games with Laurie and said, “Well, you go have fun, she invited you, not me...”

Then when he showed up, he was turned off by the “douchebagery” and the techno music (it wasn't techno, it was hip hop dance, btw.) I told him that he could've turned that place into whatever he wanted.

My favorite thing about my girls is that when we go out, we have a plan in our heads: to have a great night. So if we enter a place that isn't quite what we were hoping for “atmosphere” wise, then we turn it into what we wanted. And every night with my girls is fabulous.

I told him this to show him that the world around you is what you make of it. That bar was full of douchebags to him because that's what he wanted to see.

I called him out on being jealous. I told him my honest side of the story. “I don't call guys.” I said this and then went on to explain. “I don't like hanging out with people that don't really want to be with me, there's no point. So if a guy doesn't call me, I assume he doesn't want my company. I don't chase. Especially with the type of guys that you get in LA.”

I went on to explain also that the reason I invited Laurie specifically the other night is because he's a friend and that's it. I knew that he would be fun and have a good time. That's what I wanted. A good time sans drama.

I also threw some other witty things his way that essentially challenged him to prove to me that he's not an asshole. I said to him that I don't see a point in playing games and he said, “Games are fun.”

He failed. We stayed till close, then on our way out we stopped at the bathroom. I told Jess in the bathroom all about our conversation. There were two other girls in there washing their hands. They left the bathroom, I washed my hands and then when we walked out of the restroom, there he was, Madrid, chatting up those two girls.

The bouncers were quickly throwing us out, we found Laurie and he told us he was driving us to our car (since we parked around the block). Madrid was nowhere to be found. I kept expecting him to come running after us, but nothing. So we all just left w/o him and w/o saying goodbye. What the hell.

My phone had died, which was annoying because I was dying to text him something, anything to get his blood boiling. I feel like this is now our “game”: piss eachother off. At least it's my game.

When I got home, I plugged my phone in and text him, “Hope you have fun with those girls tonight...don't get into too much more trouble.”

He responded: “Ok. But...You left me!

I replied: “No, we said we were leaving. You chose to stay.” You asshole.

Why do these types of guys keep coming into my life?? Laurie is such a genuinely nice guy and it just shocks me that he would introduce his asshole friend to me. I gave Madrid more credit before I even knew him because he's friends with Laurie. I shouldn't have done that.

Bizarre events.

My phone just rang it was that surfer from Malibu. He was calling because he's “in my neck of the woods.” Wow, he's been pretty persistent since we met about a week ago! I think I would like to go on a date with him or at least hang out with him again sometime, just to see what he's really like.

Ok, well before I went out last night I was reading comments from you, my lovely readers and one of my followers was brutally and justifiably honest. I appreciated her comment greatly and it was a needed slap in the face:


“the blog started off as the year of your fake engagement, finding yourself, being independent, and not relying on men or fake loves, etc.

So why is every blog post a pitiful remark on how you can't find love, men don't want you, etc, etc...”

First of all, Margarita, thank you for your tough love. I need it every once in a while. Secondly, you are absolutely right. I have strayed, horribly from my original plan.

I did feel strong and independent and confident when this year started that I would be able to complete my task for a whole year. And I failed.

I'm not placing blame on anyone but myself and I do feel that as soon as I let myself fall for Seattle, I just plain fell. Landed harshly on my face and from my past the only way I know to get over a heartbreak is to find replacements, meaningful or not. So, I basically began repeating my last year:

Major heartbreak = 10 partners in one year, none of which I could ever claim to love or even call a sig. other.

Now here's the perfect timing of your tough love. It's June. Exactly halfway through the year. I was good for three of those past months and since April I have faltered terribly. But now, I still have five more full months to accomplish what I set out to accomplish.

I do think I have to revise my rules though a bit. I started at the beginning saying I wasn't looking for love, but I had said, I also wouldn't be closed off to it. The no sex policy was in place and that shall remain. I also promised to be as social as possible, because otherwise the year would be way too easy and boring with me sitting around alone at home. That would not have been a challenge. Half the challenge is being around guys, lust and emotions and seeing if I could handle it (obviously, I couldn't).

Ok, so from here on out, I will be abstaining, I promise (my heart is beating a little faster as I promise, because I'm worried I'll fail at this, but I honestly really want to succeed!). I will still be dating men, but will not be depending on them. They're there to enjoy a dinner/movie/the beach with, but that's that.

Now, Todd and I have plans this weekend to have a “slumber party”, which he already knows will not involve sex...but is the slumber party too much? Do you think I need to avoid sleepovers all together in order to regain my power and faith in myself?

I don't know. I feel like it's harmless, but maybe it's not.

So, abstaining, dating Irene. That's more of what I'll be. I will not have to whine or bitch about guys making me feel bad anymore, because I won't let them be in a position to hurt me. They will be like my childhood Nintendo, fun to play with, especially when bored, but there are other things and activities to take their place on a regular basis. And those other things are healthier for me and much more satisfying!

No Man Will Ever Love Me...

June 18, 2009.

“I feel like no man will ever love me...” That's the drunken text I just sent to Seattle at 2:51am. I don't know why I sent it to him. Perhaps because I feel like he's the closest I've gotten to love in the last year and half so he'll have an answer as to “why no man will ever love me?”

I just feel so defeated.

Went out after work with my girls. Was planning on having a fun only no man night. Jess and I decided we wanted to invite Laurie out and of course...guess who shows up with him. Madrid. Great. I was kind of upset. Gave him an awkward hug hello and continued my night, flirting with other guys at the bar.

Then Laurie said his goodbyes and gave hugs as he was leaving and I watched Madrid go out and have a smoke by Laurie's car. That's it! I decided. I ran outside like a fool and kissed him, like a fool and he pulled away, and I kissed him again, like a fool. And then I apologized. Like a fool.

I feel like no man will ever love me. Nikki went home with her band boyfriend. Jess flirted with a hot stranger all the while knowing nothing would happen due to her incredible bf in Hawaii. Lacey went home with a hot newly found friend. I went home.

Jess is spending the night, since she's drunk and neither of us could drive. I told her how I was feeling and she responded in her slurred drunken language, “It's just not for you right now. It's just not for you.”

How true. How poignent. How sad. How lonely. It's just not for me right now. Love: it's not for me at the moment. It hasn't been for me in a year and 8 months...when will it be for me?

I actually considered just calling Tony for some useless, emotionless sex tonight. I felt like it was necessary. But thank God I didn't. The 2 stupidest things I did was text Seattle and kiss Madrid. I guess life could be worse...

Back to Square One

June 16, 2009.

I'm feeling sad and lonely tonight. I'm just missing that ultimate connection with someone. Thank God for my girls, or I don't think I'd have survived this year.

Was supposed to do dinner with Todd this evening, but after waiting until 9:30pm for him to text or call, I gave up. Had a Caesar salad and piece of cornbread at C's, then came home. He text me on my drive home: “Hey, I've got a beer and a taco with your name on it.”

I realized on the way home that I have not been preparing for my class which is tomorrow and really should take some time tonight to work on my scene. So, I replied to his text and told him that I am gonna pass on the taco tonight, because I've got an early morning and need my beauty sleep. He took a while to respond and I can't help but feel like it wasn't said with the nicest of feelings.

Is he possibly pissed at me?

Ugh. I hate men. One of the new girls at work today asked about Madrid. She was out with us the night I met him. I told her that he's just like all the other guys out there in L.A. and a waste of my time. I do somewhat regret the two days I spent with him. I know I shouldn't, because at the time it was great and wonderful, but what did it do for me in the long run?

He uses people. He said that to me. He was using me for a bed to sleep in those two nights so that he didn't have to sleep on a couch at Laurie's place. I'm pathetic.

I got a text from a surfer guy that I met in Malibu on Sunday. He approached me and Nikki as we were getting into my car and him and his friend exchanged numbers with us. He was cute, but my best guess is that he is 36 yrs old. Again, where have all the young guys gone? He lives in Hermosa beach and invited me and Nikki to come chill down there sometime.

The reason I was sort of happy to meet him was because we weren't meeting in a bar. Everyone always wonders, “Where else do you meet people?” Well, apparently, you hang out by a bunch of surfers and one is bound to strike up a conversation with you. So, he's one of the first guys I've exchanged numbers with in L.A. that was not in a bar. How refreshing.

He wants to hang out this Friday night. I'm not opposed to it, but do I really need to enter another man into my life right now? Not really.

The hardest thing about this year is having faith. I worry that if I shun one of these guys that maybe, just maybe he could've been great and we could've really hit it off. But then I allow myself to go too far and just end up being used. How do I trust in fate and let the universe take the steering wheel? I'm too scared to let go of it!

Ugh. I don't feel like I've progressed at all this year. It's a sucky feeling.

Jet Lagged...

June 15th, 2009.


I feel like I took a trip to Spain and am now incredibly jetlagged...

Got home from class this afternoon at 2pm and crashed. Woke up at 5:30pm, so incredibly confused. Thought I had slept through the night. So I walked to Ralphs to get some dinner then to C's to visit Nikki and Lacey. I proceeded to get drunk at C's by drinking wine, have a convo with Seattle and text Todd.

The convo with Seattle was nice. He told me he's happy that things are working out with Todd. Obviously he hasn't read the past couple blogs about Madrid and ignored the fact that I told Todd I don't want to be his girlfriend or have sex for awhile...

Texting with Todd resulted in dinner plans tomorrow night in Santa Monica and next sunday, surfing in Hermosa beach with him and Nikki, Lacy and Aaron. Sweet. I'm excited!

Not much other boy news than that. I just got home from having a few too many glasses of wine with my ladies. I was kind of expecting to hear from Madrid. He works until 11pm, but it's now 11:41, so I figure if he was going to call it would've already happened.

Oh well. He admits, he “uses people” and I do believe he was only using me for a bed...good thing I didn't put all my hopes into that man.

The night we met, Jess said to me, “Watch out. He's foreign.”

Ha and I said, “Yeah, well, I'm not looking for marriage...”

The End.

Ciao bella...

June 14, 2009.

“Ciao”. That's what he just said as he walked out the door. The gorgeous Spanish man that just left my apartment.

What a bizarre turn of events last night brought.

I woke up yesterday, next to Todd, and I was feeling happy and content. Then I had a full busy day of doing tons and tons of stuff. I got to work and was supposed to meet up with Todd after and go to that party with him, but one of the other servers called out and I ended up having to close, which meant staying until 11pm.

As my girls got off work, they decided that they wanted to hit up The Barrel later, so they stuck around and drank while I finished up. I decided I'd rather do that than the party because I was kind of tired and I didn't want to go this party of unknowns and make chit chat.

While at work, I received two unexpected message. The first was from CRAgent, who I haven't heard from in...two weeks? I don't even know. He text me wondering what I was up to that night. The second was a missed call from Seattle. Yup, Seattle. He actually left a message saying he doesn't even know if I'd want to hear from him or talk to him, but he'd like to “catch up”.

Also, a bit of irony, he's coming to L.A. in July, possibly on the 4th and wanted to let me know because maybe we can hang out. Well...looks like I'll be in Arizona with Todd on the 4th.

Anyway, I text him back letting him know I got his message and was at work, not ignoring him and I'll call him “soon”. He responded saying he was out with friends at the moment and wanted to know if he could call me when he gets home. I told him I meant we could talk tomorrow or something. I didn't mean that night. Weird.

Well, fast forward to end of my work night when we all head to Barrel. Lots of good looking guys there last night, for a change. I've been trying hard not to think of guys as anything other than human beings occupying space. I don't want to walk in to a bar and prey on guys. I don't want to think of each trip out as a possibility of meeting someone. This has been what I've been trying to adjust my mindset to lately.

Zack was there and started in on me while I was texting Seattle, “Who's texting you this time of night?”

“Seattle.”

“You know, you should never have settled for a long distance relationship. You're gorgeous. If you don't have options here that's ridiculous.”

I said, thanks, but I really don't have options. Then I told him we're not talking about it, because I just wanted to have fun and enjoy myself tonight.

So, then, right after I had written off ever having options, a very tall actor from New Jersey approached me and chatted for a bit. Ugh, he was like a dumb version of Tony. I was not interested. Then Laurie, who works at the Vespa store next to C's had a friend meet him there. A very gorgeous, Spanish friend. I noticed him the moment he walked in the door and couldn't keep my eyes off of him, but played it cool and didn't approach. Then Laurie was waving me over and wanted to introduce me to Madrid. Wow. Wow. That's all. Just wow. I ended up spending the rest of the night chatting with Laurie (who is also adorable) and Madrid.

They invited us back to hang out for a bit at Laurie's house. Jess and I headed over there. Madrid was getting cozy with me on the couch and I knew he wanted me to spend the night with him, but I had driven Jess and I was trying to be good and, you know...not have sex with a stranger.

So Jess and I left around 4am and right as I dropped her off at her car, my phone rang. It was Madrid. Begging me to come back and spend the night with him. “We'll just cuddle, I promise.”

I spent the next 20 min on the phone with him telling him all the reasons we should not spend the night together, “I'm already home.” “You can't come to me, you're too drunk to drive.” “We're gonna see eachother tomorrow.” Etc., etc. And...then I gave up arguing and told him my address.

However, I did not tell him my apartment number because we don't have a buzz in code, so I was just gonna go down and meet him when he got here.

I heard the faint sounds of a vespa and knew he was here so I went outside and he was already walking up the steps to my apartment...what?? He climbed over the gated door that's outside my place and took a guess which direction my apt was in because he saw my bedroom light on. Ok, that's pretty cute, a little creepy, but whatevs.

We climbed into bed and cuddled. After about 3 or 4 hours of sleep (I'm not sure because I didn't look at a clock), I woke up to him getting frisky. I thought about stopping it, but it just felt good and I thought, “fuck it. I'm gonna live like Nikki and do what feels right at the moment.” We had sex. It was nice. And after about another hour or two of sleep, we woke back up and had some more sex.

He took off to get ready for the beach and I threw on a bathing suit and some shorts and headed to meet Lacey for some coffee. She had some juicy tales to share of the night before as well. Oh what a night!

Nikki text me this morning: “Weather forecast: Slightly sunny skies with a chance of getting laid...not too bad :-)” She's hilarious!

We headed to Malibu and met up with the boys. Damn Madrid is hot...especially in a wet suit. I pulled on a suit and headed out to the water with the extra board they brought. I got swallowed alive by the monster waves that were going on in the Bu today. But Laurie commented later that it was “cute” that I went out and tried. Ha.

I told Nikki that Madrid kept telling me that I'm “adorable” last night and it's nice to hear, but from the guy you're sleeping with, it would be nicer to hear that I'm “hot” or “sexy”...but apparently to Madrid, I'm “adorable” and to Laurie, I'm “cute”. Ugh.

Well, I am going to take a quick nap before Todd calls, he wants to see “Land of the Lost” tonight. I'm exhausted, but feel like I should go since I ditched him last night.

I'd really like to spend the night with Madrid again though...hmmm.

And, I'm supposed to call Seattle tonight, let's see what out of all these actually happen.

I'll be honest with you...

June 13, 2009.

Wow. So, I called Todd last night when I was done with work and he was real sweet on the phone and said he wanted to go out. I told him that I had no set plans and to let me know if he ends up in the valley. He said he was considering a couple bars in the valley and he'd like to see me. Then I said, “I'd like that too.” And he responded, “Then the valley it is!”

We met up at Rocco's, I went with Miguel (believe it or not), Lil' bro, and Nikki. Todd showed up with an entourage as well. We hugged hello and it was a little awkward. We spent the next 30 minutes at opposite ends of the table from one another.

But the night progressed and the alcohol loosened us up a bit. Nikki and I tried to get a dance party going and were joined by a couple of guys. Then Todd and his friend, Aaron, who I adore, joined us. The guys that Nikki and I were talking with challenged us to a dance off and I was just having fun and goofing around, when Aaron grabbed my hand and pulled me away from those guys.

I think he was being a good friend to Todd and cockblocking a bit. I wasn't purposely flirting with those other guys or trying to make Todd jealous. In fact, I wasn't really showing any interest other than dancing, I thought.

Then I glanced over and I saw Todd and his other friend chatting up some girls. I got jealous. Uh-oh. What is this feeling?? Ha. But, I let it slide...

Then Aaron drove us all back to my place where Nikki was spending the night and Todd came in with his friends for one last drink. I went into my disaster of a room for a moment and kind of hid my mess in my closet, just on the off chance, Todd wanted to spend the night...

Todd snuck up on me while I was doing my covert clean up operation. He pushed me (gently, seductively) up against my closet doors (which are full length mirrors) and said, “You know, I don't often get jealous. I'm a very “out of sight, out of mind” guy. What you do when I'm not around, I don't care. But, I was kind of getting jealous tonight.”

I apologized and reassured him it was not my intention to make him jealous. He kissed me and we started making out. It was pretty hot, but then lil bro popped his head in and totally ruined the moment. Ha, oh bro!!

We returned to everyone else in the living room and I was cuddling with Todd on the couch and he asked if I wanted him to sleep over. Of course I did! So after everyone left/went to bed, I climbed in bed with Todd. Made out, got nakey, but stuck to my no sex policy.

It felt different being with him last night. It felt more honest and real and passionate. I liked it a lot.

I feel like this new door of honesty has been opened between us and I hope it never closes, because I'm seeing this whole other side of Todd I never knew existed.

*sigh of relief.

What a girl wants...

June 12, 2009.

Ok, I swear I didn't manufacture this letter...this is the second response I got from Todd after emailing him. The first one he just reassured me that everything was fine and he understands my position, "more than I could know", and I emailed him back, relieved that he felt that way and doesn't hate me. So this is what he wrote me this morning:

"How could I ever hate you? I meant to call last night, but our game went late and we won 17-2, and we were so wrapped up in the victory and literally exhausted, but scored plenty and felt amazing again to play and I must say....I still got it!


Ill call you when I get a sec to breath here at the office. I want to see you tonight to just talk and tell you how I feel and my thoughts on 'us' and your email. I think you'll find my position is similiar towards yours. Just look at this week, I've wanted to see you, but my week is so busy and my work and business are always #1..and I don't know how I could ever have a relationship where it's weekend based only.


This is the thing I do know, I like having you back in my life, the way you are around my friends, and your personality, it's exciting, my ideal situation would be, we continue hanging out, having fun at parties, dinners, and vacations, balancing work, career, and play.


I'm sorry, if costa rica was too much, sounded like a blast to me, and I meant it as a fun get away. I also booked a couple rooms in AZ, scottsdale!!! for the 4th as well. Which i wanted to invite you and your entourage, as well, with my pals, I just enjoy having a great time and with that, I always want great company.


I never once thought you were only interest in $$$, so throw that out the window.


I'll call you soon, I'm emailing some of what I wanted to talk about, ;)

~Todd"


Um...can I just say, amazing? And now I'm thinking Costa Rica may not be completely out of the question. Ok, so this isn't just a trick to get me to think he's a great guy so I'll want to be in a relationship, is it?? I don't think so. Because I honestly believe that work comes #1 for him, like he said. He'd probably make room for me in his life, but I wouldn't necessarily take priority in his life.

Now's the hard part, where we figure out how to balance this all, while still remaining "single". It gets pretty blurry when attempted, so I'm not exactly sure how this will all work, but I'm feeling good about it at the moment. And now, I might just have 4th of July plans!

Sent.

June 11, 2009

So I sent the email:

"Hey you,
So, ever since you brought up Costa Rica, I haven't been able to get my mind off things. I wish we saw eachother more often so I could have conversations with you face to face, but since I don't think I'll see you until Saturday, just wanted to let you know what's going on in my head.

I don't think I mentioned this to you before, but at the beginning of the year I took a vow that I would put myself and my career first. Last year was such a messy year with boys and emotions and it truly distracted me from the whole reason I came to Cali. I planned on spending this whole year single and abstinent (yikes, i know). Which, I've already failed and let my guard down on both points.

I really enjoy spending time with you and hope that we can continue to, I just want to be honest and let you know that I don't think I can get into anything serious right now. I'm not ready to be a girlfriend and I'm not physically/emotionally able yet to be there fully for anyone.

I'm not really sure how you see "us", but I would hate to ever be accused of leading you on in any way because that is not my intention. In my ideal world, we can still spend time together (sans sex, because it messes with my emotions). I want you to be honest with me at all times as well about how you feel.

Also, I want you to know that I appreciate your generosity and your invitations, but I never want you to think that is the reason I spend time with you...my favorite moments don't cost a thing.

Call me tonight or sometime before saturday when you get a chance so that we can actually talk. I hope your week has gone smoothly! Mine's been rather fast. I'd like to see you this weekend, but I understand if you don't feel the same."


Holding my breath to see the response...

Eek.

Reality Bites...

June 10, 2009.

Man. So thank you all for your honest opinions. I really truly appreciate them. I know in my heart what I have to do, even if it means no trip to Costa Rica. I wouldn't be able to enjoy the trip if it were smothered in lies. I do enjoy Todd. I think he's great and he deserves someone who thinks he's really great.

I've decided that next time I see him I need to be completely honest about how I'm feeling. I sat in acting class today and watched as one of my fellow actors smiled because he was single and happy with life and knew that the daily steps he was taking were leading him to a fruitful career and a rewarding future. I want that. I know that. I just need to now act that. I hate that it's easier said than done, but it is...

Ugh, so now I just have to figure out how to phrase this. I know I desperately want to just write him an email with all my feelings, but that would be a cop out, wouldn't it? I don't know, maybe an email with a follow up phone call? Is that any better?

I just feel so rotten already because I want to like him, I want to want to date him, I want to want to fall in love with him, but alas, I already know he's not 'it' for me. And I guess right now, at this point in time, no one is going to be 'it' for me. Because what I need now more than ever before is to be focusing on being the person I want to be in order to get my career started and get noticed.

I watch successful actors in interviews and when I occasionally see them in person and I marvel at how complete they seem. I want to be complete. So, here I go....

I haven't “talked” to Todd since he wrote me that email. I text him the other night at work saying, “Thanks for the email, made me smile, I work on sat. night, but would love to meet you at the party after I get done.” He text me back that he'd get me the complete details of the party and that he misses me. I text back that I miss him, but I did it out of politeness. I just don't know what else I could've said. Oh God! Why does this have to be so weird?! Why do we have to have such emotions?! Yuck.

On another note, Pete broke his ankle and is in the hospital, so I'm planning on visiting him and bringing some cheer. How lousy. As weird as our friendship has been lately, he's still my friend and I need to be there for him like I'd hope he would be for me.

And....i might just go ahead and get that tattoo tomorrow...at least a sketch of it and an appointment for next week. I'm psyched! CAN NOT WAIT!

On to tomorrow and more reality...

Here come the perks...

June 9, 2009.

So a very wise reader of mine left a very wise comment on my last post about telling Todd sooner than later how I feel to avoid further pain for either one of us. Very wise. Also, advising me to stick to my plan of abstinence since that's what I set out to do this year. Also very wise...

Now, I've been thinking about his wise words all day and agreeing in my head and trying to come up with a good way to approach this subject with Todd, when I went to check my email and found this:

"After Sunday I was lying in bed rethinking my comment about 'buying' a loto ticket to get you in a movie, and that's BS, your fate will not be decided by that. I know you r good, you know you r good. Goods things will come;)
I hope your interview went well.

This sat, my friends hawaiian themed bday party is in encino, going all night. Should be a lot of fun and if you can make it, you'll meet a lot of my friends you haven't seen.

Also, I wanted to throw this out there now, in July, weekend of 9th-12, would you be up for a mini weekend vacation in.........COSTA RICA!!!!??!?!

I met this amazing couple in South America. The best couple and parents I've ever met. He was an actor on the HBO series 'OZ' and she is a cake baker, both lived in NY for years, so many 'I' similiarities;)
Anyhoot, they have a place down there and are begging me visit and I'm leaning towards yes and obviously want you there!
Let's chat about it the next time I see you.

Have a great day, miss ya, see you soon;)"

~Todd

Fuck.

What's a girl to do? Part of me wants to be extremely selfish and play along until I get a free trip to Costa Rica and some possible career connections. The other part knows this is terrible and knows I should do something about this now rather than later. But, not gonna lie...I'm a bit torn right now. Just out of curiosity...what would you do? And don't think about morals too much, what would you really want to do?? Be honest!

'Look around your world, pretty baby, is it everything you hoped it'd be??'

June 9, 2009.

1:45am.

Just walked in the door from one of the busiest, yet most rewarding days of my life. Started with an audition for a pilot this morning (didn't do wonderfully, so not really expecting a call), then straight to acting class where my teacher made me feel really good about my upcoming audition this Thursday...we'll see if his technique gets me the job. I'll be stoked if it makes a vast difference in booking gigs. Then I came home and freaked out for awhile trying to get the sides(script) that I needed to rehearse with my scene partner for Wednesday's class. Had no luck, we rescheduled for tomorrow night. Oy.

Then rushed to a film fest where one of my friends had a film showing and then rushed to rehearsal for the female quartet I'm in. Then, last but not least had an impromptu ladies night with Jess and Nikki at Mexicali. It was mucho needed.

A little recap of last nights adventures. I got off work earlier than expected and text Todd. He wanted to do dinner and a movie. So I ran to fed ex and then ran home to shower and got ready just in time. Got more crap from the neighbors about my sat. night party, so I vented to Todd the whole way to the theater. I apologized for venting.

We took too long getting food, so we only had appetizers and then went to see “The Hangover”. Truly funny, but I feel like I was just too distracted by life in general to be able to really enjoy it. Held hands with Todd the whole movie and was really annoyed. He kept picking at my fingernails and it was really uncomfortable and then he would like rub the bone at the base of my thumb and it was equally uncomfortable. That could have something to do with why I wasn't paying attention to the movie. I wanted to rip my hand away.

But, it was nice to have a normal date for once. He dropped me at home, knowing he couldn't come in and I couldn't go back with him, we're both busy people. So we kissed goodnight and he said, “I'll call you.” You'd better call me. Ha.

I don't know if I mentioned but at the party the other night I was sitting on his lap at one point and I remember kissing him and he smiled and said, “I'm glad you gave me a second chance.” And I smirked and replied, “I haven't given you a second chance yet...” and he goes, “I see how it is.”

I don't know. Today I just couldn't help but feel like I'm making a mistake by being with Todd. He's a great guy, don't get me wrong. But, I just don't think we're meant to be with one another. I want to be with someone that I can't get out of my mind. Someone who makes me giddy just by texting. Someone who can make me laugh so hard I cry. Someone who never makes me cry. That person is most likely not Todd. *sigh*

It's so wrong of me, but I just don't know how to tell him this and I keep hoping that my busy-ness keeps him at bay and maybe I can use that as an excuse...

Humph. So, Seattle's been on my brain tonight. Wanted to text him just to say 'hi'. It's not that I find myself missing him, but I do find myself thinking of him every once in awhile. His birthday was about a week ago. I purposely didn't text/call/email or write about in this blog because honestly, I wanted him to be sad about it. I know, real mature. I kept wanting to text him something mean like, “Hey, happy birthday, try not to repeat mistakes and avoid Becks.” But, I knew that would be stupid and mean for no reason. I was just feeling bitter.

Well, I thought about emailing him tonight and saying something like, “I'm glad we're not talking because it makes it easier...” Sadly enough, it does make it easier. I don't want to think about all the girls that have come into his life recently. I'm sure he doesn't want to think about the boys in mine, yet he'll occasionally check my blog. When he misses me, I suppose.

I've been a jerk and have purposely been avoiding talking about him so that he can't get the satisfaction of knowing he's still on my brain. I guess the jig is up now, if he checks. Oh well, I'll probably regret this in the morning, but for now it's what i'm thinking about and it's the truth. Humph again.

Alright, exhaustion is hitting. Ta ta for now kiddos!

What a weekend...

June 7, 2009.

So, I totally meant to write yesterday, but life has a way of being crazy busy these days. Here's a little game I like to call “catch-up”:

Friday night after work, I ran to Ralph's and grabbed some stuff to make dinner with Todd at his place. It was nice. His roommate, Kit, ate with us. She's alone for the weekend because her boyfriend (Todd's other roomie) is out of town. I haven't seen her for about a year, since the last time Todd and I were hanging out. Todd invited her over to my place on saturday(last night) cause I was having a get together. She was noncommital about it and later, Todd informed me that she had to ask permission from her boy. What??!!?!?!?

How twisted is that? Todd was disgusted by this and that night when we were heading to bed he said, “If I ever make you ask permission to do something...”

I finished his sentence, “I'd never talk to you again.” Today Todd referred to Kit as a prisoner. Weird. I mean, she's been with this guy for the past year and half now. Makes you wonder...does she like this treatment? Is that why she's stayed with him for so long. Also, maybe the perks are what makes her stay. She lives, rent free in a very nice apt. in Santa Monica and gets to go on about 4 vacations a year through her boyfriends work. (I'd have also been on those vacay's had Todd and I lasted).

Well, I spent friday night at Todd's. We made out, got nakey, but didn't have sex. I've decided I'm not gonna have sex with him unless he uses a condom. He was getting awful close and I wasn't about to ask. I want him to know that he has to wear one without having to tell him. As soon as he got too confident, I stopped him and he apologized. I think he got the picture. But I couldn't believe he didn't say anything like, “Should I get a condom?” or “Do you have a condom?” or anything! What is that? Well, no sex on friday.

Saturday (yesterday) was jam-packed full of activity. I was super busy and almost wanted to explode. I had planned on having people over last night for a game night. Originally it was gonna be real chill and just a few people. Then it exploded into a party with beer pong and everything. Oy. Lil' bro turned on the techno and things got loud. I was freaking out a little.

Pete came over and so did Todd. I wasn't really PDA with Todd all that much, but I kept getting these weird glances from Pete whenever I was talking with Todd. Jess came over to me at one point and said, “Pete's cute as a button!” and I told her, here in lies my dilemma:

Pete's a great guy, a lot of fun, funny, nice, but I'm not so much attracted to him. But I really do honestly see myself with a personality like that. Then there's Todd. He's very attractive, but sometimes pretty dull and has some habits that irritate the shit out of me, already. Now, if I could just have Todd's looks with Pete's personality, I'd be happy.

It's not that Todd isn't fun, it's just that he's older and wiser and over his goofy, crazy, boy stage.

Anywho, I sort of think that Pete was planning on staying over or something because when he got up to leave it was weird, because, he was pretty drunk. I didn't like the thought of him driving. But, I'm pretty sure that he got the hint by the end of the night that I was into Todd.

Todd slept over. He said, “I want you so bad...” I said, “Will you wear a condom?”

Ha, I feel like an afterschool special. Well, we did the deed. It was fun. I enjoyed it. And I've learned that when a guy is taking too long to cum, the five magic words whispered seductively in his ear are: “I want you to cum!” Bingo.

Todd freaked out for a moment after because he thought the condom had broke. It didn't. But, I couldn't help but laugh a little inside because why would he care since last year he was all gung-ho, no condom needed.

Well, waking up next to him this morning was a little better than yesterday morning. I could not sleep on friday night. I tossed and turned and even considered getting up at 4am and just leaving. But last night I was a bit more comfy. And it was nice being next to him.

Went for a walk with Lacey today and she goes, “What's holding you back?” I haven't really thought of it that way yet, I just kept thinking, 'well, I must just be over it.' But maybe I'm just protecting myself from actually falling for another guy. Maybe I don't want to be heartbroken again and the easiest way to avoid heartbreak is to not have feelings for anyone. Hmm...maybe I'm what's holding me back.

He wants to do dinner and a movie tonight. I'm in and kind of excited. It's weird (that is the word of the day) because it's like physically I have a boyfriend right now, but not emotionally. Usually its the other way around for me. Huh. Maybe I've forgotten how to have a boyfriend in the physical realm.



Oh my gosh...how could I forget the most crazy part of the weekend??? The cops busted my party last night. It was the stupidest thing ever...there were 10 ppl. Literally (i counted) in my apt last night and two cops opened my front door and told me that we really had to keep it down or else they'd be back with a citation. WTF? I hate my neighbors. It was 2am on a saturday night and ten people. I'm moving. Either because I'm going to receive an eviction notice this week or because I'm about to find a better place to live. Ugh.

Dream Analysis

June 5, 2009.

I had these wild dreams last night involving the infamous ex (he who shall remain nameless). Strange, because I don't often think of him anymore and it leads me to wonder, who/what he was representing in last nights dream.

In the dream we were having a very childish feud. A game of pranks that would continually piss one person off leading the other to retaliate. The very last thing he did to piss me off was buy drinks for two girls that were at the bar with us and had the waitress bring me the change. I don't really understand this either, but it made me so upset that I grabbed the five dollar bill the waitress was handing me, crumpled it up and shoved it into the whiskey drink he was having – I suppose to ruin the money and the drink, right?

Then I proceeded to run away from the bar and he followed, caught up with me, tackled me and we lay on the sidewalk outside the bar and I just said, “Arrrgggghhh!!!! I can't do this anymore!” and he, while sitting on top of me, looks down and with all earnestness says with a sigh, “Me either.” Then rolls off of me and there we had it. We had driven each other to insanity and couldn't take a moment more. It was mutual anger and distress and we both knew there was nothing left of “us”.

I love analyzing other peoples dreams, when I know them well enough to know what's going on with their lives, so maybe I can analyze my own...let's see:


Well, obviously the ex is someone that brings me non-stop frustration. So I'm experiencing frustration from someone or something in my life. I must feel as if I'm in continual competition with this person, always trying to one up them, but never truly succeeding. I know in my heart this must stop, but just haven't said it aloud yet. So, what am I competing for? Who or what am I frustrated with?

The only thing that kept popping into my head while writing that was: Nikki. It's not so much that I'm mad at her or frustrated, but I do think at times it's difficult because when we go out, I always go out with the mindset of: “Well, she's better than me in every way, so I just won't hope/expect to meet anyone tonight.” And even though she's a very humble person, there is no self doubt in her that she can get whoever she sets out to get. I hate competition, especially with friends. So when it arises in any fashion, I'm always the first to back down. I will never, ever compete for a boy. I will never, ever try harder to get a guys attention. If he's not going to acknowledge me for who I am, then he's not worth it. I don't chase.

It's bad because I know this thought has frequented my mind lately: I often think about when I meet someone I really like and who seems to really like me, I don't want them to meet Nikki, in fear that they'll start questioning why they liked me at all. I know this is silly. Nikki and I are completely different people and wonderful in our own ways. It's just hard in this materialistic, self-centered, looks are all that matter world of LA to see and understand what I have to offer every time an attractive guy walks our way and strikes up a convo with Nikki.

Well, I guess I figured it out. This sucks, because I love Nikki to death and I know she would never, ever do anything to hurt me or our friendship and vice versa. But sometimes I just want to shout, “Leave some for the rest of us!!!” Ha.

I need to do something for myself today and the rest of the week to make myself feel valuable. Thinkin' about getting a haircut today and perhaps my tattoo (that I've been dreaming of) next week. That'll help at least temporarily...

As for now, on to exercise!!

If I were Invisible...

June 4, 2009.

Wow. So, where did I leave off?

Worked yesterday and so tired of having people I work with tell me, “When it's right it'll happen.” “When you stop looking is when love will find you.” “Give off positive energy and people will be more attracted to you.” Blah blah blah blah.

Ok, so I've stopped looking. I'm a very positive person, I'm patiently waiting for the timing to be right. Stop it!

Felt like a joke last night. I was the only server on and every single table I got was a date. Haha, ok, I get it universe, very funny. Then the ipod we have at work started playing, “You're nobody till somebody loves you...”. I hate that this is how society feels.

Ugh. Anywho, on a brighter note, I had the most fantabulous day with my girls. We all had the day off and decided to spoil ourselves. And spoil ourselves we did. We went to Paradise Cove in Malibu and managed to befriend a few boys here and there. But no numbers were exchanged (ok one number that Lacey got), just some friendly convo.

Then we ended the night at the Whiskey a go-go. We went because Pete invited me a week ago since he knew the band that was playing. I agreed to go, because I've been feeling rather guilty about not seeing/hanging with him for so long. I want to be friends with him still, I've just been so ridiculously busy and I feel like him, Miguel and Lee are all taking it personally and if I don't see them soon, then they'll all be out of my life completely.

It was ok, but I just felt as if the entire crowd was 18 and under and I felt too old to be there. Plus, I love Nikki, but man it gets frustrating when every single guy gravitates toward her. I don't stand a chance at meeting guys when I'm out with her. One guy didn't even see me. Literally, I was invisible. Ugh.

So, I could've done without the Whiskey tonight, as I'm sure all the girls would agree, but we had our fun.

Called Todd on the way to the show, returning his call from earlier. He was quite cute, he said, “I feel like I haven't seen you in a month!”

And I told him I'd text him when I was heading home to see if he's still awake and I did, actually hoping to see him, and of course, he was asleep and didn't hear my text.

I just couldn't help but think all night, after being surrounded with a-holes, 'what's so bad about having a guy that's actually in to me? Why shouldn't I spend some time around someone who really enjoys my company?'

Oy, so a little while later he text me, he must've woken up and seen my missed texts and responded, “I'm awake! Shit, always missing u...k, ttyl.”

But, I called him back. I was already for bed, but I figured I owed him a call and I wanted to make plans for tomorrow with him. So, I work until about 9:30ish and then we're gonna hang out.

Oh man, and I remembered something I haven't told anyone yet...not even you my blog followers. The other night, I guess it was Saturday, when Todd was sleeping over, I was having trouble falling asleep and I was tossing and turning a bit and all of a sudden, Todd started mumbling and very clearly said, “ Mmm, I miss Pug.”

Um, excuse me?? Ha, he was thinking/dreaming/subconsciously missing his dog. Well, it's his roommates dog. But, it was really weird to hear him mutter that in his sleep. I mean, I get it, Pug is the only one he's slept with continually in the past two years. But really?? Weird...

Ok, just thought that was pretty funny.

Also, on a random note, Encino text me tonight. Kind of got excited about that. Haven't seen him since February and I do believe he's single now...so, there's that. But, I'm not looking, remember? Hell, naw!

Goodnight.

Eau de Desperation

June 3, 2009.

Well, I feel like my eyes have been opened a little today. I went to an acting class where I proceeded to tell ten complete strangers a bit of my very personal history and the teacher asked if I was married, “No.” Seeing anyone? “No.” She asked because she noticed the ring. So, I then proceeded to explain how I've had the worst dating experiences in the past year and that I wear it because I'm taking this year to “Be about me and focus on my career.”

Speaking those words out loud reminded me how powerful it feels to be a single woman by choice. It's pretty great. However, all greatness comes with a little bit of hardship. So now I'm faced with the icky-ness of telling Todd this revelation. I'm not prepared to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now, because I can't even hold onto a serious relationship with myself. Does that make any sense?

I'd like to still hang out with him and spend time with his friends and be allowed to be “cuddly” or kiss him if I feel like it, but I do want to take sex out of the equation completely and perhaps no sleepovers. I'll revert back to high school where I wasn't allowed to have a boy in my bed and I had to be home eventually and under my own covers. Life was so much simpler then. Love was so much simpler then. Maybe this will be good for both of us (Todd and I) because we'll get to really know one another and see if there really is some great chemistry there before we get super serial.

Ugh. Back to ground zero I guess.

Well, I talked to Nikki and the other girls while at work yesterday and they filled me in on my forgotten moments of the night before. Apparently, after I made out with that guy and found out he had a girlfriend, he tried to talk to Nikki and told her, “I really like your friend, I don't want her to think I'm a jerk or anything, I think she's really attractive and...” blah blah blah. I guess his friend (the one that Nikki ended up spending the night with) told her that he really is a great guy and he's sort of in the process of breaking it off with this other girl. Nikki just said, “Whatever, it doesn't matter, that was just really crappy timing. Not the right month for that to happen.”

It's just hard to not get down on myself when this shit continually happens. Ok, so here are the extremes: Irene gets wasted and makes out with strange guy who happens to be in a relationship. Nikki goes out, hits it off with the guy from the band, spends the entire night with him, is smitten and he texts her the next day saying things like, “You are stunning.”

She always has a guy ready to commit and tell her how wonderful she is and wanting to be her boyfriend. I, on the other hand, get jerk after jerk. Maybe it's the Eau de Desperation that I've been wearing lately. Trust me, I'm working on it!

Ok, world, watch out! Irene's back and she's ready to be single!!!