No judgment please...

June 29, 2009.

Alright, I'll admit. I've been a little slow putting this next post up, because honestly, I'm feeling a bit of judgment from my readers.

But, the whole point of this blog was honesty, first and foremost. I never promised to be entertaining, I never promised to be perfect, I never promised to succeed in my original goals. But I did promise to be completely honest. So, I will keep that promise.

Ok, so back track to Friday night. I met up with Todd and went to a bar to hang out with him and his sister who was visiting town. I was looking forward to seeing him interact with his family, since I've never seen it before.

His sister was very sweet and a ball of energy and attitude. So not what I pictured any sister of Todd's to be. I was still exhausted and recuperating from our trip. So, I refrained from any alcohol intake. I was pretty lame. I was quiet and lacking energy and just out of it. Todd could tell and kept saying that we could just head home if I wanted. I did consider for a moment just coming home and passing out in my empty bed. But, something kept me out.

Finally the night crawled to the end. I could tell that Todd's sis was unhappy because she was in town visiting a boy, but he was way downtown staying at the Omni Hotel and not willing to come pick her up. I offered to drive her down there, since I had not a drop to drink. Todd kept telling me I was so wonderful and “the best” for doing this. However, I had ulterior motives...I wanted to snuggle with Todd in his bed as opposed to the couch that night, and his sis was sleeping in his room, so that wouldn't have been possible. Yes, I'm selfish and sneaky.

We dropped her off at the hotel and headed back to Santa Monica, with a quick trip to McDonald's...Todd was a bit drunk and needed some substance. Then we got to his place and like two seconds later were passed out.

I had to get up for a rehearsal the next morning, but hey...I slept great that night! And no alcohol!

Saturday night turned into a very unexpected adventure and a source for much judgment...

The C's peeps all went out to Rocco's because the owner of C's was going out and offered to buy us all drinks if we met him there. Todd text me earlier, he was planning on coming out as well, but then wasn't feeling so well. I told him his sis should still come out with us anyhow. So he met us at Rocco's to drop off Sis.

We stayed for a round of drinks at Rocco's, then decided to head for Firefly down the street. I was driving, so again, no drinks for me. Well, before we headed to Firefly, I guess Jess had text Laurie and told him to come out with us. She wrote, “No Madrid though...he might make people in a bad mood.” And before you know it, in walks Laurie, shortly followed by Madrid. Oh man. I guess it's a good thing Todd wasn't out with us or this could've turned awkward quickly.

At Firefly, we met up with some more people and we got our dance on a little bit. Madrid kept eyeing me while he was at the bar ordering a drink. I tried to ignore it. Then he came over to me as I was dancing and offered his hand. I just looked at it and scoffed. He was offended.

Finally he pulled me aside and pulled up a chair and asked me to sit and talk with him. He's so closed off to emotions that he's not willing to admit he likes me or fears that he cares for me. He told me that he gets intimidated every time he comes out and there's a whole big group of us and other guys. He watches me with the other guys and how's he “supposed to know if he's your boyfriend or that guy over there's your boyfriend.” I reassured him that they are all co-workers and definitely not my “boyfriends” and then I called him out on being jealous.

He said, “I can never just talk to you.”

And I said, “If you wanna talk, you call me up and ask me out to dinner or coffee. You don't come to a bar expecting to talk.”

He got me all heated inside and at one point I almost stormed away. It's this challenge of getting him to like me. It was the same with Tony. He was so aloof and too cool for school to admit that he genuinely cared about me, but sometimes he'd slip and say I was beautiful or look at me some way or touch me gently and I just knew he cared. So, I'd hold out hoping for more moments like that. Same thing here with Madrid. I think he's scared to fall for someone because then his defenses will be down and he'll be able to get hurt. Well, I think he sees potential to fall for me...ooh how it makes me want to break down his walls and get to the center!

Anywho, Sis asked me again to take her to the Omni that night. I was hesitant but I thought about it and agreed. Again, sort of for selfish, sneaky reasons. I had left my phone charger at Todd's the night before and we had to stop there to get her stuff on the way anyhow.

We showed up at Todd's and he greeted us with adorable bedhead and in pj's. I kissed and hugged him for a bit while we waited for Sis to get her stuff ready. He wanted me to come back after dropping her off and cuddle.

I knew I couldn't do this because at 9am the next morning I had to be at Union Station picking up Vienna who had decided to arrive in the morning and spend the day with me. I collected my phone charger and drove one last time to the Omni to drop off Sis.

On the way home I called Madrid. He had called while I was in the car with Sis, and obviously I couldn't talk in front of her, so I told him I'd call him back. He told me to call when I was closer to home because he wanted to come over.

So, I did. He came over and spent the night. Eek. I know. But we chatted a bit more, we snuggled and no, we absolutely did not have sex. He started getting frisky and I said, “I can not have sex with you.”

He looked at me and said, “You can not?”

And I said, “I can not.”

The thing about spending that night with him though was that he actually cuddled me. Close and affectionately. He buried his head in my shoulder. It was sweet...a sneak peak at the man behind the wall.

The next morning I got up and Madrid was still so passed out. I didn't want to make him get up, but I was off to see another man in my life...oy, when did I become such a multi-tasker?

I let Madrid stay and knew that I would just have to keep Vienna out of my place for a few hours until Madrid had left for work.

I picked up Vienna and had a wonderfully passionate kiss hello. I took him to get breakfast at my favorite breakfast place. However, we ended up sitting there for over 30 minutes with no server, so we decided to head out. The thing I liked about that situation was that other people may have gotten annoyed or testy and pissed. But Vienna just stared at me smiling, chatting away and told me that we should head somewhere else, he wasn't all that hungry.

I took him to the Getty. I figured it's beautiful there and we could walk around the garden and just be lazy. That we did. We found a bench in the garden and perched for a good long time and kissed and cuddled. I was so tired, obviously, that I just wanted to go back home and sleep.

I told him we should get out of there. It was already 2pm...man, time flew with him. Knowing, my bed was now vacant, I was hoping to catch a quick nap with Vienna before work.

Back at my place, we hopped in bed. Started getting hot and heavy. I kept thinking, I should stop this, I should say no. I should refrain from having sex. But then I was also thinking, well, I want to and who's really saying I shouldn't and what real reason do I have for not enjoying the here and now?

We had some sex and it was rather nice. Then we passed out and I woke up 20min before I was supposed to be at work. I jumped up, threw on some clothes, despite not showering and smelling of sex. And I took Vienna to work with me because his friends were picking him up and weren't there yet.

He was so sweet the entire day and I realized while he sat at C's waiting for his ride that I was really going to miss him. I really may never see him again. How weird is that? I mean there are one night stands with people you meet at a bar and hope to never see again, but then there are these rare one day stands where you wish you had a choice in the matter, but don't.

His friends picked him up about 15 minutes later and I went out to say goodbye. It was strange. I felt like I was saying, “Goodbye for now.” Even though he was leaving to get on a plane and fly back to his enchanted foreign world.

Humph.

Well, last night I went out with Nikki and we met up with some other C's peeps later at Laurel Tavern. Got into a heated “debate” with one of Mike's friends because he was being a complete jerk. Then Todd met up with us there. I was really happy to see him. He told me he wanted to spend the night at my place, which also made me happy. So, I drank up my last beer and we headed home. I was pretty drunk, and apologized to him for being messy. He told me he loves it when I'm drunk.

We climbed in bed and snuggled. I asked him what exactly was going on with him the other day. He told me that his heart had been racing (in a bad way) the other night and that's why he didn't join us out at Rocco's. I asked him what was going on and he informed me that he thinks it might be the supplements he was taking as well as the redbull he'd been drinking. I told him that scared me and he shouldn't take anything because he doesn't need to be “bigger”. He agreed. We snuggled close all night and he left bright and early for work. In my blurry vision I could see him all dressed up, slacks, dress shirt and tie. He had a meeting at 10am. He kissed me goodbye and said, “See you later, babe.”

He's never called me 'babe' before and I liked it. I also liked waking up next to him on a weekday. This was a first for us. I also just like waking up next to him.

My mind is going a mile a minute about this past weekend.

But just so you all know, I feel powerful. I feel like I had control in each and every situation I put myself in and it was great.