Closed off from Love

January 8, 2009.

Wow. So much to say about today. Got booked on an extra gig for today. Was working “Kath & Kim”. Big crowd scene. Arrived at 7:15am and ran into Miguel. I worked with him a few weeks ago, before I went home for the holidays. Sweet kid. 22yrs old and already married…hmmm.

We spent the entire day chatting. He remembered the ring. He noticed it last time, because he was talking about being married and then asked, “Well, what about you?” motioning to the ring (I had been wearing it on my left hand already). I couldn’t lie and after discovering he was married, felt quite safe to tell the truth about the ring. We also were chatting with Neil, another extra he knew from other sets and I had just met. Neil mentioned the ring and Miguel blew up my spot! He called me out and said, “Oh yeah, you’re one of those girls!” They both teased me about it quite a bit.

I just reassured them, “If only you knew what I went through with dating last year…” They prodded and teased and kept repeating, “You’re closed off to love!” (Jokingly of course).

They learned that I tend to date sensitive guys and yes, it is because I’m quite a strong willed woman, leaning toward feminism, but not quite that radical, I just like my independence. They of course started in on that and we talked about how two stubborn people just wouldn’t work. It made me think of Tony…the guy I dated for two weeks straight last January and broke up with because he was too stubborn to admit he was wrong and I was too stubborn to accept his non-apology. Two “stubborns” don’t make a right.

Then Miguel laughed and said, “I think she’s looking for a guy who knows exactly what he wants and won’t take shit from no one.” I think you are right on the money Miguel…so where are all those guys?

And is it so bad that I like to wear the pants in the relationship? Perhaps that’s always been the reason I leave the man first. Even when I’m still in love. Because I have the balls to make that decision. Oy…I’m sounding like such a hard ass. I hope no guys are reading this and getting totally turned off right now.

All I’m saying is that I like to be treated equal. I don’t like to be treated gently as if I’m fragile and will break if I open a door myself. I just want you to acknowledge that I’m capable of doing everything you can do and also be able to admit when I can do it better. Is that too much to ask?

I don’t like to need a relationship, but I’d like to want one. And I do want one. I want one with a guy who’s my best friend and can make me laugh. Who understands when I need space or girl time away from him. Who’s not threatened by the fact that most of my friends are male. Who understands that if I were going to cheat, I just would never have gotten in a relationship in the first place. Who knows that I don’t like to be cared for as if I was a child, but do need to be looked after when I’m blue or feeling ill. Where is this guy?? Does he really not exist??

Sam called tonight. Invited me to go out to a bar downtown with him tomorrow night. He makes me smile. Why am I so afraid of being close with him?