January 6, 2009.
I cheated last night. I mean I still abstained from sex…but I let myself make out and get sort of nakey and cuddle all night with my friend Sam.
It started like it always starts. We meet at a bar for drinks to catch up cuz we haven’t seen one another for a bit. We get drunk and giddy and kiss…then we make out for a bit and before we know it, we’re sleeping next to one another.
The thing about Sam is I’m so comfortable around him. He noticed the ring about halfway through our night and I told him the deal with it. I explained how it’s supposed to help me sort out my emotions and not complicate things with sex and boys. I also told him that I’m blogging about it, because it’s sort of a social experiment as well. To which he responded, "Well, just don’t tell me the name of the blog, write about me, change my name, just don’t let me read it."
I’m still plenty confused about that boy though. We’ve been friends for a year now. We became more than friends sometime last April. Not sure how or why it happened, but it did. I know drinks were involved. Here in lies my second vice: Alcohol. Not that I’m an alcoholic, I can go weeks without desiring a drink, but when I do drink, I become more open to opportunities that present themselves. Less likely to say "no", which is what I need to learn to do!
So I unloaded a bunch of emotional garbage on him at the bar and told him that I’m always confused about him because I have so many feelings toward him, ranging from sisterly love to passionate love. (I didn’t use the word love in the conversation; that would’ve sounded way too creepy). But at the same time he sends me mixed signals, like after spending the night, I may not hear from him for weeks. "Just like every other guy."
He admitted that he’s always felt strongly for me, but thought I wanted the distance from him. Which isn’t entirely untrue. I tried to distance myself from most guys last year, so that I wouldn’t get hurt again.
He respects what I’m doing with the ring. I, now that I think back, stupidly, invited him to sleepover. I flatly said, "I’d like for you to spend the night, we won’t be having sex, but it would be nice to cuddle and kiss you for a bit." I should note, he is an amazing kisser…great lips, lots of passion.
So he accepted my invite and respected my no sex policy. It was nice to have a body against mine.
I started dreaming about us lying there and he was saying, "So what do we call eachother? Are we like, boyfriend, girlfriend?" And I just giggled and kissed him to make him shut up. Because I knew that’s not what I wanted. When I woke up this morning I was so glad that was a dream…at least I hope it was a dream.
I fucked up.
Going out tonight. Maybe I’ll be the DD and stick to soda. I don’t want to repeat last night.