My Apology

January 15, 2009.

I apologize. I've missed two days of blogging and I swore to never do that! I've been unusually busy this past week (Thank God!) with work. And, it's been interesting! I worked on tuesday as audience and only spoke with girls. No men allowed! It was short and sweet, 4 to 6pm. Decided to go to wing night even though my roomies weren't going. Dressed for comfort, not for style. Lupe, one of my fave waiters there, greeted me at the door. We chatted and caught up on life a bit. He asked if I had a boyfriend (he's married), and I said, "Nope, still no boyfriend." And he said, "You're too cute to not have a boyfriend!" But then agreed that here in L.A. all they want is sex and no committment.

Nikki's boyfriend was hanging out at the bar, so we chatted a bit. He's british and has quite the crude sense of humour. I feel like I'm just "one of the guys" when I'm talking with him. Which is good, because I would never want Nikki to think I was flirting with him, but it's also bad, because he has no sensor. And I can get a little offended.

Sam was there...Haven't seen him since my oh-so-drunken night. I was kind of embarrassed to see him. We've talked since then, but I've been avoiding seeing him, though he's tried multiple times to hang out. I just feel awkward about some things that were said. I was stupid. Well, he was getting on my nerves, because he was teasing me and I just wasn't in the mood to be teased, even flirtatiously. I think he got the hint and didn't stay very long. He left me alone with my salad.

I went home and tried to go to bed as early as possible so I could get up in time for my 6am call on wednesday, which was in Ontario, CA. Which, is an hour drive from me. So, I think I managed to get about 3 hours of sleep. But, I got to work on time and in a good mood. I realized, I really do love my job.

Within 30min of being there I met Muhamed. He was very cute and very outgoing. We chatted while in line for wardrobe. Then he got pulled out of line to replace an actor that didn't show up, and we pretty much didn't see eachother for the remaining 13 hours on set. I was sort of okay with that, because I didn't want the awkward ending of the day, where he asks for my number and I have to explain I'm not dating, blah blah blah. That seems rather presumptious of me to think he's "naturally" going to ask for my number, but it happens a LOT on set. And I'm sure it happens to most girls, not just me. But it happens. Anyway, I spent the majority of the day avoiding talking to the guys on set. There were about 30 extras and only 8 of us women. It was a military scene. So major testosterone overload. I managed to chat with some of the ladies who were very fun. Then at the end of the night, the men started to get frisky.

One of them told me that there's no way I won't get recalled for this show because I'm so beautiful. Another one started a conversation with me about acting and told me that I was very attractive and perfect for acting. Then when we finally wrapped, my car battery was dead, so I had to get a jump. I approached three of the men in the parking lot and they all had cables. Then the one who had told me I was beautiful before, goes, "Wait, wait, wait! What does the guy get who jumps your car? Does he get to take you out on a date?" And I said, "No, he gets a very enthusiastic 'Thank you'"." Ughhghgkkk!!! Why are guys so pathetic? Then...I was trying to find the exit from the parking lot and I pulled over to a security guy and asked him if I was going the right way and he proceeds to tell me that he wishes I could stay there all night with him and I'm so pretty and "Do you have a boyfriend?"

What?? Are you really asking me if I have a boyfriend right now, sir?? So, I lied and said, "Yeah, I do!" Oh my goodness. First of all. I had been there for 14 hours. I looked like shit. I had fake sunburn make up all over my face. I was exhausted and it was dark. There's no way he could tell if I was attractive or not. He was just plain horny. Gross. I hate men.

However, I did learn that I really can't live without them. On my way home, I stopped off at Ralph's to get some wine. I wanted to get drunk. I took five minutes to go in and out of the store and when I came out, my car would not start, yet again. I walked home and told my roomies, but neither of them have jumpers so my car was stranded. I called Tony. He came to my rescue. He drove to my apt, picked me up, took me over to Ralphs, found someone to jump my car for me and followed me to autozone where I parked my car overnight so I could fix it in the morning. I really appreciate him. However, he was very condescending the entire time and kept undermining me. It made me feel really bad. And on the way back to my apt, I started crying.

Its times like these that I realize just how alone I really am. No one to hug and hold me and tell me everything is ok and reassure me that I'm not stupid and that I'm a capable woman and everything will work out. I have Tony who will help me with the physical things, but not the emotional. It's frusterating.

Bottom line is, and I'm sure I'll come to this conclusion more often then not, that I want a boyfriend. Someone to depend on. Someone I can call at all hours of the night and he'll be there for me. Someone to fall asleep next to.

Someday, I suppose. I have work all night tonight. But for now, I'm off to the park to work out. I'll update soon!