January 9, 2009.
Ran. Ran errands. Drank wine. I desperately want to go out tonight, but once again, have no one to go out with! Like I said, I was supposed to go to the Edison with Sam, but he text me about an hour ago, letting me know that he’ll be working all night, so he’s unable to go. Boo…I didn’t really want to travel all the way to Downtown L.A., but it was a possibility of being social.
Checked guys out today…just kept noticing them everywhere I went. “Ooh, he’s adorable!” Think I’m anxious for some lovin’.
I want to go out in a group tonight. No pressure there. You can just all hang out and have a good time and it’s not like anyone’s looking to hook up with anyone else in the group (or at least not making it obvious).
I have a total crush on one of my roommate’s friends. He’s hot, in a band and from Boston. We hung out one night (like two months ago) and just totally hit it off (or at least I hit it off with him). But he’s getting over some serious relationship stuff, as am I. I made a point of it not to exchange numbers with him when we hung out. He’s Nate’s friend and I didn’t want it to become the dating game between us. But, I haven’t stopped liking him since that night and I wish now that I had his number because I want a drinking buddy…that he is very good for. Him and his roommate would be the ideal guys to hang out with tonight. I NEED FRIENDS!
Is it super weird for me to go to a bar by myself tonight? I always think, “It’s not weird if there’s a band” or live music of some kind. Because then you have a reason for being there and something to do rather than stare at your drink, wishing it could talk.
Hmm…I need to create a singles bar. Where you’re only allowed to go if you are going out alone. I’m talking even no girlfriends are allowed to accompany you. If you’re a single person and need a place to go on a night when all your friends are working or no one’s interested in being social. Come to “SinglesOnly”! The only bar where absolutely no one knows eachother! Or would that just turn out to be super creepy?
Ok, I’m writing with two glasses of plum wine in me…so I may not be making total sense, but I’m having a hell of a time doing it!
So here are my single woman options tonight:
A. Get drunk at home…most likely by myself since my roommates are lamo’s
B. Go to a bar by myself…risk obnoxious conversation from a guy I’m totally not interested, but potentially gain a lot of info for this blog.
C. Call one of the many guys I’ve slept with, but am currently on “friends without benefits” plan with right now. Risk having an awkward convo about why we’re not having sex tonight.
D. Go out with Tony. Have him watch while I drink. (He’s 2 yrs sober)
E. Go to sleep now at 7pm and dream about having a social life.
Great goodness my life is pathetic! But! I’m still having…THE BEST YEAR EVER!
Just got home from sort of doing option D. and before that I sort of did option E. So it’s been a pretty good night. I fell asleep after blogging earlier. Wine makes me sleepy…when I woke up, Tony actually called me. Haven’t seen him since the 1st and have been trying not to be the one that calls him, again. So, I was happy to hear from him. He asked me to join him at his favorite sushi place in Hollywood. We actually were there about the same time last January together. We went out the night after we met, hung out with his best friend, he kept saying, “Doesn’t she look like a mini Kate Hudson?” and we sat at a table next to Jack Osbourne, Cody something, some lead singer in a band and Malcolm in the Middle. (As you can see, I’m terrible with names). But last year I was totally star struck, it being barely my third month in town.
Well, to be nostalgic tonight we ran into Cody. Tony knows him (I think from AA). And go figure, Cody was at the same table with Jack Osbourne and that same musician. I think they have a tradition. Perhaps Tony and I do too. How strange that we would go out at the same time each year!
We had sushi, it was delicious, and Tony actually picked up the check. It’s been awhile because he’s been unemployed, so I don’t blame him. I completely understand. It was nice. He’s got a new job and I told him all the exciting stuff that’s been going on with my career. He’s also an actor, I don’t know if I mentioned that. Then we headed back to his place. I informed him, however, that I would not be sleeping over. And after we started cuddling he started trying to get me in the mood, which honestly, I always am with him and I don’t know why I haven’t shaken it yet. But I informed him we would not be having sex and all of my clothes remained on. I know…way to go, slut! Ha, ok maybe I’m being harsh on myself, but you know, baby steps.
I realized the thing with Tony is that I truly do enjoy spending time with him. He can be a really great friend to have around. But he gives so little of himself. And I don’t think it’s that he’s selfish, I think it’s that he’s been hurt in the past and chooses to shut people out and barely let them in so that it doesn’t happen again. I just wish his nice, sweet side would come out more often! It’s so rare.
One time last year we were laying together in the buff and he was holding me close and he said, “Breathe with me”. He wanted me to sync our breathing patterns. I don’t know, I thought it was pretty romantic. I think he was trying so hard to connect with another human being he felt as if the only way to truly do it was to share one breath.
I hate that I know he’s in there, but will probably never live to see the day that nice sweet compassionate Tony comes out!
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