Sleeping alone is cold

January 3, 2009.

I was trying to get to sleep last night and I was freezing!! I just thought how nice it would be to have a warm body next to me. I wouldn't have to wear my sweatshirt to bed. I could sleep naked and still be warm. I miss that feeling.

Went for a run this morning and couldn't help but notice every guy I ran by. "He's dressed kinda hip and dorky, bet I'd have a crush on him." "Wow, a cute dog and a cute owner..." "I hope he doesn't notice just how red my face is becoming from this run." Why? Why do I care about any of that while I'm running? I hate it. I want to just be me, in my own little world, not worrying about the people around me.

Margaret (my roommate) and I are meeting people for drinks later tonight. It's sort of a networking event. We're meeting with a director she's worked with in the past to discuss an upcoming movie he's working on. Pretty exciting. I think I've met most of the people we'll be seeing tonight and they all have seen me with my ring already. So, it's not gonna be a surprise to them or anything new. They're reactions last time were extremely varied, from "Congrats" to "Well, when you decide to take off that ring..." and handing me a business card. It'll be interesting to see what happens this evening.

It is also Saturday night, so the opportunities are endless!

I'll update soon!

11pm.

Tonight I’m lonely. I live with a couple, so being single is especially hard. It’s not like living with two roommates, it’s like constantly being a third wheel. No one’s idea of fun.

Tonight we watched "Nacho Libre". They cuddled on the couch and I got the love seat, in which I spent the time with my needles and yarn, knitting a scarf…just because I need to keep myself occupied at all times so I don’t get caught up in lonely thoughts.

Margaret and I went to drinks at 5 30 like planned. It went well. We’ve been invited to be part of a cast of an upcoming film. We’re both honored and very excited. I felt very uncomfortable in my own skin tonight though. Very out of place. As if, I’ve worked so hard to get where I am today, career wise, life wise. I’ve left so much behind…family, comfort, love. And none of that even matters because here I sit with people I only know from a one time meeting at a party I went to as Margaret’s + 1 and they’re offering me an incredible opportunity. Now, I’m as happy as can be, and don’t want to seem as if I’m complaining at all, because I’m not. But a little part of me feels extremely defeated.

When Margaret and I were walking back to the car she said, "Wouldn’t it be great if I could make in this field without ever having to audition?" And all I could think was, "No, it would be totally unfair!" I’ve gone on so many auditions since being here while she’s done nothing for her career, it would be like one more slap in my face.

I don’t have a boyfriend. Whack. The man who wanted to marry me wasn’t willing to move across the country for me, like her bf did. Whack, whack. I’ve actually worked to be where I am today and she just stumbled across this opportunity. Whack, whack, whack.

Ok, I’m riding the bitter bus. I apologize. This happens when I come home to an empty bed at night. It happens when I have no one to call and tell about my day or the exciting things that are happening in my heart, my soul. It happens whenever I’m alone.

It’ll probably happen a lot this year. But I will try oh so desperately to avoid it at all cost and become a happier person.

Church and Improv tomorrow…maybe that’ll be the key to my happiness.