January 16, 2009
My ex…the infamous one, who shall remain nameless, keeps trying to friend me on myspace. It’s breaking my heart all over again. He tried a few weeks ago and I denied his request. He just tried again today and attached a note, “Please friend me.” If he would just pick up a phone and call me, I might be apt to pick up. I’m not sure, but a phone call is more respectful than friending on myspace is. Especially when it’s someone you were in love with…supposedly.
I was his “dream girl”. He always told me before we ever dated and were just colleagues at college that he would tell his guy friends I was the one girl he’d want to be with if he could. He got his chance. It lasted just over a year. Could have lasted longer if he was just willing to keep it in his pants or at least come visit me. But no. He’s a man. Sadly, I’m learning that that’s more normal than not. It’s just ripping my heart to shreds and leaving me feeling so hopeless about ever finding someone to love; especially here in L.A.
Argh! I shouldn’t even write about this, it makes me want to cry right here and now in the middle of the library. I thought I was over being emotional about him. I thought I was just angry, but now I find myself missing him again. I don't know if its just loneliness making me miss him or if I truly desire his company. I can’t believe it’s been over a year since we’ve been together. Will I ever get over this?
I need proof. Proof that there are good men out there. Men who want a relationship and not just sex. I just counted and I realized I slept with 10 guys last year. Holy Shit. I never thought I’d be the kind of person that could claim such a thing. To some that might seem like a small number but to me, that’s about tripling in one year the number of people I’ve been with my whole life. That’s really disturbing. Thank goodness for celibacy. I feel really shameful about that. I’m almost speechless.
I’m almost done with my first month of singledom and now I know that this is going to be a very good thing for me this year. A cleanse of all the bad that was last year. Unfortunately, that’s why I can’t be friends with my ex. He destroyed my hope. I need to get it back. So, I have to do it without him.
Going to Pineapple tonight with Miguel and Lee and the roomies. I’m glad they’re up for hanging out all the time, I just hope I haven’t just turned myself into a constant fifth wheel, instead of just a third. I’m not sure which is worse…