Career or Relationship? Who can decide?

February 17, 2009.

Another day, another night alone. Haha, I sound so pathetic. However, I wish every night were in fact spent alone. I want to live by myself!!!! Wish I could afford to! Anywho, not much on the horizon from today.

Was a stand in for a new Nickelodeon game show. Met the “Pick man” (I honestly have no idea who that is since I didn’t have cable as a kid) but he was the host and is apparently from New York, and if the ring is not also a device he uses to ward off women, then he is married. So that’s all the action I got today! Woohoo!

So lame. When did my life become so lame? I was sitting there, working today and just kept thinking about how pathetic my life could seem to the untamed eye. However, when I think about it in full detail, I live a pretty freaking cool life. Here I am, playing an 11yr old girl on a Nick game show and getting paid for it and I’m single as all get out; no attachments or expectations to or from anyone. First time in a while that that has happened. It feels good.

My cousin called me today. Turns out her boyfriend (of just over a year now) has announced that he is making the move to Australia to finish his studies. She’s extremely upset (understandably so). And I found myself telling her, “Now’s the time in our lives where we kind of have to choose wisely between a relationship and career...” Which is more important? But I’ve never wondered that. I’ve always known my career was more important to me. Not that my relationships weren’t important, just at my age, I’d rather nourish my acting than nourish a future husband.

I still don’t even know if I can ever picture myself becoming a wife. Eww. Sounds gross and all sorts of male dominationy (is that a word?)

Just think about how much this year I’ve already fucked up. Tony and Sam are completely out of my life (and to be honest I haven’t missed either one, much at all). Liam is a not so distant memory. Haven’t heard from him since the ‘Baked Potatoe’ last Thursday, nearly a week ago now. Don’t plan on hearing from him again. And I guess I shouldn’t say that “I fucked up”, so much as they fucked up. It’s amazing how many men in two months can screw up. Doesn’t take ‘em long, does it? Or maybe my patience with it is just wearing thin. I no longer let their little screw-ups go unnoticed or unpunished. And if that is in fact the case, Hoorah for me! I’m proud of myself for being so strong.

Well, I’m avoiding Wing night…I need space away from the roomies. Can’t they move out already????? But Miguel and Lee are joining me here and then staying to hang out when Margaret and Nate get back. We shall see, I’m taking two weeks off alcohol of all kinds, so it’s getting harder and harder to deal with things (ha, and it’s only been two days.)

Meep (love you cb and rs - - shout out to my two fave ladies).