Commitment Phobia Anyone?

February 22, 2009.


Ugh. I guess I should start with the birthday party.

On Friday the 20th, I went shopping all day with Lee and the way I was acting definitely made it seem like I was really interested in impressing Ray. And I was, but not really in the aspect of romantically. I bought a gorgeous little dress. Lee curled my hair and did my makeup. Made me look like a movie star. We took my car through the carwash, she looked pretty as well, then around 7pm we went to pick up the birthday boy, er, man.

He was in high spirits and we got to ‘Outback’ before anyone else did and hung out and chatted. This was Lee’s first time meeting Ray. She liked him immediately. It’s funny, because being around him in such a comfortable way just comes naturally. It doesn’t feel weird to hug him or stand close and when we talk I do find that I talk to him as if he were my boyfriend. There’s a certain tone I always use…interesting.

His other friends started arriving and surprisingly I knew about half of them through extra work. So it was a fun time. I cheated on my diet and had a glass of wine. Plus, I was DD, so I really couldn’t have more than that if I wanted. But Ray was very into me all night, constant hugs, telling me I was gorgeous every five minutes, blah blah blah. That’s all nice, but I started freaking out. I think I may be a bit commitment phobic. But maybe only because he’s not the right one for me.

After dinner I really just wanted to go home and be alone. But Ray wanted to meet some other friends out for a drink in Bev Hills. Lee and Miguel had to go home, so I dropped them off and then headed out with Ray. On the way there his friends cancelled, but we were real close to their house, so we stopped in to chat shortly. His friend is absolutely gorgeous. Tall dark and handsome to a T. And Australian, so he’s got the charming accent as well. He was a very sweet guy. We didn’t get to meet his wife though, she was “in the bath”. When we left there, Ray could sense that I was “tired” so I dropped him off, gave him a hug and he kissed me. It was quick and short, but he kissed me. Then we hugged again and he said, “Oh, I just like you so much, is it ok that I like you?” And of course, like an idiot, I said, “Yes!” and he kissed me again. Oy. So I took off in my car with a very smiley Ray waving behind. What’s a girl to do?

Lee and Miguel think I’m absolutely insane for not liking him. “He’s everything a girl could want!” say the married couple…People just don’t understand when you’re single how intimidating the thought of a serious relationship can be, even with the most perfect man. Going from extremely independent to almost a “wifey” is terrifying to me. Plus, it’s obvious that he wants marriage soon. I mean he just turned 39. Wow. I do not want that soon. At all!!!!

Well, the next day (Saturday) I kind of ignored his texts and calls all day long. I just couldn’t deal with it yet. I spent the day working out and thinking about my crazy reaction to Ray. I had plans to go over to Miguel and Lee’s later that evening, so on the way I finally called Ray. Yes, it was just as awkward as I expected. He just keeps saying “You’re so beautiful! You’re so gorgeous!” Well, sure that’s nice to hear every once in awhile, but after the 50th time in the conversation I just want to scream, “Shut up already! Tell me something else…am I a good person? Am I fun? Am I funny? I don’t want to be just a pretty little thing!!!” Well, we ended up having a more serious convo then expected as well. He told me that when he’s with me he just feels great and gets all silly like he’s back in high school again or something. “Is it ok that I feel this way, or should I not?”

This time I was more honest. I told him I think he’s wonderful and I absolutely love spending time with him, but “right now I have no room in my life for a relationship and I would hate to keep hanging out and lead him on”. He understood this. We sort of hit on that topic during Valentine’s Day, so he knew that both of us as actors have to put our careers first right now. So…we shall see. I think he got it, but one never knows. Men are pretty dense.

I have lots more stories from yesterday and can’t wait to share, but I’m running a little late for a gig I have today and have to pick Miguel up on the way. I will write either later this evening or tomorrow, but I will catch you all up!