Digging up Emotions.

August 25, 2009.

Boy do I have a lot of feelings boiling up in me! I just spent the last hour and half studying/preparing for my acting class tomorrow.

My teacher believes in using “substitutions” meaning events and people from our actual lives that bring about similar emotions to the characters we are playing.

I find this incredibly difficult and I think I figure out why. Because I don't want to go there! My scene tomorrow involves a girl who is “in love” with a boy that's completely wrong for her, yet she's convinced herself and now trying to convince her friend that the boy is in fact in love with her...only to end the scene discovering that he's performed an ultimate act of betrayal.

So...my substitution? Tony. Every inch of my body needed to believe that Tony could actually love me. I need to be loved. I feel very forgotten and lonely these days. Sure, I've got the best girls in the world by my side, but there's only so much emotional support they can offer. I need someone to tell me they love me and prove to me they'll stick around.

Todd fled the scene never to be heard from again.

North no longer texts or calls and I think has forgotten I exist.

Tony was a complete ass and truly believed I'd still want to be friends with him even after he betrayed me along with one of my good friends.

And, that leaves...no one. Me, myself and I. I haven't been letting myself dive too deep into these emotions lately, just because it becomes a pain in my ars. But tonight, I dove....oh how I dove in order to do my scene work. I still don't think I'm 100% there because once I start rehearsing with the actual lines I lose some of my emotional prep. But, I'm on my way. Ugh. Acting can be so cruel.

Tomorrow I get to show the class how good, correction, how great I am at acting like a girl who so badly needs to be loved that she'll lie to herself and prove to herself that this asshole really loves her. Because if he doesn't, who will?

I hope I can just let myself go completely into this role. It's the only way it'll be good. And I think i'm terrified of showing the class what I can really do, because it's too honest.

Yup.

So there's that. I spent my whole day in Manhattan Beach today. It was lovely. Lacey and I went for a morning jog by the beach, walked to a local market to grab some bottled water, came back, I unloaded my car, we unpacked all the kitchen stuff I had brought. I tried to organize my room, but it pretty much looks like a tornado dropped a mack truck right in the middle of it. Then I went and read on the beach until sunset. It was lovely, but I'll be honest, I kept thinking the whole time, “I wish someone would approach me so I could make a friend.”

Moving is tough. Even though I'm so psyched to be in Manhattan Beach, I'm a little nervous because everything is new and different and I have to learn a whole new part of L.A. Where to shop, where to hang, where to workout, where to go to be social, etc. I'm nervous! It's like the first day of school all over again!

Well, tomorrow I go back to the Oaks for class, work and then to pick up the rest of the stuff that's at my apt so that I can spend all day on thursday cleaning everything! I'm so tired of cleaning! But the nice thing is that I'm going on a week long vacation (and may not be blogging) starting friday and when I come back, everything will be in M.B. and all of my affairs in the Oaks (literally and figuratively) will be behind me! That's pretty darn exciting!

Alright, I'm off to clear my head so that I can get some rest before tomorrow's emotional rollercoaster.

Sweet dreams!