August 5, 2009.
Just got home from North's. Went over there last night just before midnight. I was dying to see him. It was definitely weird. Not in a bad way, just in a “I've known you forever, but not quite like this, so I'm not sure how to act” sort of way. We watched some t.v. And it took him what seemed like forever to work up the courage to kiss me.
Finally, he snuggled his nose into my neck and then made the transition to kissing me. Then he asked if that was ok. I said, “Definitely.” We kissed some more, then moved over to his bed. He lives in a studio with a very tiny couch, the bed was the most reasonable option for us anyway.
We made out a bit and rolled around, but did not have sex.
I actually didn't want to. Not because I'm not attracted to him. Because, I think I'm just so very in my head about this situation. I like him a lot. I've known him for almost 7 years now, but I barely know anything about him. I'm terrified to have sex with him. I'm terrified that we'll have sex and I'll never see/hang out with him again. I'm terrified that if we continue this or take this further, we won't even be friends that once in awhile see each other.
I guess I never realized how much I cherished North's friendship. Humph.
I do know that waking up in his bed this morning was one of the most delightful feelings ever. Even though I had about 5 minutes to jump out of bed and change back into my clothes (he gave me p.j.'s to sleep in) so I didn't get a parking ticket.
I lay there thinking, “The ticket's almost worth it...” I'd rather have stayed in bed with him.
Ok, so what's different about this situation than ones in the past is that, I really would have said no, had he tried to have sex with me. It's always been easy to just have sex, because I don't care about those people, who cares if it's bad, who cares if I'm bad, who cares if we never speak after...
Also, I didn't sleep in just my undies, like I normally would with someone I'm sleeping next too. I've even done this when I just met the guy, but with North, I didn't want him to see my granny panties or think that I was “moving too fast”.
I changed into p.j's in the bathroom. Again, I have no problem changing into things in front of guys. Ever. I'm very confident in my body and I feel comfortable showing it off. However, I was so nervous. I just didn't know what exactly was going on between us, and again, I didn't want to seem too forward.
What's funny, is that North joked about us, “not being good at taking this slow”, but in reality, this is extreme slow-mo for me. I haven't taken things this slow since college, go figure.
There was a moment when he was on top of me and we were making out, I heard one of his neighbors doors slam and I couldn't help but chuckle a little because it felt like we were time traveling back to freshman year and were in his bunk in the dorms and his roomie was going to walk in at any moment.
How strange. I need to get out of my head and go with my feelings on this one. Or else I may not go anywhere.