(un)Happy Cinco de Mayo!

May 5, 2009.

Ugh. What I wouldn’t give to have a penis right now instead of a va jay!!! I had an appt today to have a biopsy done to determine if I have cancerous cells living inside of me. What fun! I don’t know if anyone reading this has ever experienced such a thing, but ladies, it’s terrible! I’m not gonna sugar coat it. It’s awful and I pray to God I that never have to experience that again. Now, I’m bedridden (doctor’s orders) for the rest of the evening. I was supposed to be working tonight, but the doc neglected to inform me before today.

Argh!!! I can’t wait until I have insurance and great medical coverage so I can actually choose a doctor I like and who makes me feel comfortable instead of feeling like a science project. Now to top off the exciting events of this morning, there was new doctor I’d never seen in the office today. Young and fairly handsome. Well, lucky me! He was there to observe the procedure and learn from me! Great.

“Hi, nice to meet you, this is my vagina. What do you think?”

And now it’s Cinco de Mayo, I had plans to go out with peeps tonight and was rather excited about it, but don’t think that’s a possibility at this point. Anyone have a penis for sale?? I’m serious.

Ha. Well, last night Nikki and I decided to hit up a new bar to see what the fuss was all about. We also decided to get a little snazzy. I’ve been thinking about it and as much as it stinks that my boyfriend is never around to hang out, I’ve been letting it get in the way of my desire to go out. I’m done doing that! It’s still super fun to get all glammed out and go out with the girls. So that’s what Jess, Nikki and I did last night.

The bar we went to check out was pretty dead. We stayed for a drink (yes, I broke my alcohol cleanse to have a glass of vino) and then headed to our reg. spot Maeve’s. Sultry, our fave bartender was working there and it was service industry night ($3 beers for peeps that work at bars and restaurants). I ordered another glass of wine but sipped slowly, because my tolerance was crazy low and I was already feeling buzzed. Eek!

We pretty much stuck to ourselves, there were guys there, but not a whole lot. We all took turns flirting with Sultry. He’s fun. He’s an actor and reminds me of the guys I went to college with. He’s a total hippie. Long scruffy beard, long shaggy hair, which he always pulls back into a ponytail. He seems rather down to earth and so “un-LA”. It’s nice.

At the end of the night he was joking about being an “amateur gyno” and I shouted out to him, “Hey Sultry, I need an appt. You have any openings?” We set up an appt for 2:30am…right after the bar closes and he gets off work.

If this had been six months ago, I’d probably have taken the offer seriously…

After today though, I don’t ever want to think about sex again! (I know I’ll get over this, but that’s how it makes me feel)

I just wish Seattle were here right now to hang out in bed with me all day/night. It would be much more fun that being here by my lonesome, knowing all my friends are out having a great Cinco de Mayo w/o me. This blows! (17days!!)

Waiting By The Phone

April 30, 2009.

I’m a pathetic child. I was just out at Maeve’s with Nikki, her mom, Jess, Roger and his boy and Lacey. We were all chattin’ away, having a grand old time. I was drinking water (dding and still on my two week alcohol cleanse, don’t know if I mentioned that prior). Then I happened to scope out the room, see if any new people had entered and I saw a much too familiar face. Two familiar faces to be exact. I freaked.

“Come to the bathroom, come to bathroom, come to the bathroom!” I turned and pushed Nikki and Jess into the ladies room with me in a panic.

“What the hell?” They were more confused than I was.

It was Liam. Yup. Good old, alcoholic, unreliable Liam. Haven’t seen him since that night in February. Haven’t text him, haven’t talked to him. And vice versa. No communication attempts from him either. He was there with his good ol’ roomie and I know they must’ve seen me. They were sitting directly across the bar from all of us.

Fuck. That’s all I could think. And for some pathetic reason, when I went to the bathroom with the girls, all I could think to do was fix my hair and attempt to look somewhat desirable. I wanted it to hurt when he looked at me. Douchehole. They clearly were not about to say hi, so I did my best to ignore them for the remaining 20 min’s I was there.

I’m still so confused about the entire situation that I don’t even know what to feel about this sighting tonight. It was a weird feeling of, “I know I should be angry/excited/annoyed, but am feeling strangely indifferent.” I didn’t really care to be quite honest. It was weird and I felt like I was supposed to make a big deal out it, and thus my body reacted all strange and my legs sprinted me to the bathroom. But really…in my mind, I couldn’t care less.

Huh. Well. That being said, today was rather chill. Yoga in the morning with Lacey and the beach all day with Lee, Miguel and lil’ bro. It was quite the California day. Loved it. Just wish Seattle could’ve been here.

Called him earlier to find out how his last “class” went today. He had to do an oral debate as his final. I felt like such a girlfriend calling him up and saying, “How’d it go? Did you do great?” and feeling his smile from the other end of the phone, “Yeah, it went really well.”

“Yay! I’m so happy for you!” That was basically the extent of it. He was off to take a victory ride on his bike and I was in the car on my way to the beach. What separate lives we lead. I wish I could’ve taken that ride with him and he could’ve laid out on the beach with me all day. That would’ve been super nice.

He’s out at a bar “drinking with some friends” right now and I can’t help but get a little bit jealous and think, “girl-friends, or boy- friends?” Oh, I certainly am pathetic. I just hate that I can’t be there right now. Miss him like crazy. He should be getting my card tomorrow, which makes it official…he’s my boy.

Alright, I’m gonna get ready for sleep and wait for my phone to ring…

Prom Night Relived...

April 17, 2009.


Holy crow…this is unbelievable! I’m flying to Seattle right his very moment and have about and hour and 30 minutes until I see him! I’m super excited!

But first I must tell of my crazy night at 80’s prom. I totally slept with my prom date last night; however, I did not get laid. Figure out that riddle. We did it up royal last night! Our outfits were perfect! Our dates were hilarious and we painted LA very, very red. Seth was my prom date and he definitely didn’t disappoint. He even danced a bit at La Cita, the bar we went to Downtown. I remember most of the evening pretty well. It gets foggy near the end, but man was it worth it. At La Cita, Jess and I decided to get the party going and we dragged two unsuspecting victims onto the dance floor. My victim mainly took the job of keeping me off the floor.

After La Cita we headed back into the valley and went to our fave local spots. Nick was working the door at Maeve’s and all I remember is hugging him a LOT. Then Seth and I decided to head over to Fox and Hounds…God knows why and all I really remember about that is wiping out after taking a shot. I didn’t fall…oh no…it was a total wipeout. Ridiculously, utterly, embarrassing. Not going back there for a bit!

Then Seth, Jess and I all walked back to my place at the end of this night and Seth proceeded to pass out on the bathroom floor. I immediately went to bed and passed out, Jess hit on lil’ bro and tried to get a cuddle on. Then Lil’ bro woke me up and told me to get my drunken prom date off the bathroom floor so he could go shower. I dragged Seth into my bed and put him to sleep and fell asleep next to him (not even cuddling, thank God) and awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of him throwing up, in my bed…hoorah. Oh Prom. Now I know why twice is enough. Despite the messy ending, it was one hell of a night.

Then to make it even more perfect I got to wake up and catch a flight to Seattle. I can not wait. An hour and a half seems way too long right now. I’m so freaking anxious, a little nervous, happy, excited, glowing, I don’t even know. It feels unreal still. I’m gonna try to do my best and keep up the blogging this weekend, but I make no promises…I might find myself a bit distracted!

Oh sweet Joy….

Hopelessness sets in...

April 14, 2009

Wow, I can’t believe I’ve slacked for almost three days now!

Well, we’re down to 3 days till Seattle. I’m still excited but starting to be filled with a sense of hopelessness. What are we doing? We aren’t going to be able to have the type of relationship we want and I already know that long distance and I don’t get along. I’m so upset. I cried the other day while on the phone with Seattle. He didn’t know I was crying; I tried to hide it. I was just feeling so sad because I like that boy so much and yet I feel as if we don’t have a chance in hell of making this thing work.

I was supposed to go out Easter evening with some friends after having dinner at my place with Pete, Miguel and lil’ bro, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t like going out because I’m not trying to meet people and I don’t want to have conversations with guys I don’t care about. Ugh. So, I ditched my friends and stayed in and talked to Seattle for 2 ½ hours.

Last night I worked and then went out to Maeve’s with Nikki. Chad, the boy she’s been seeing for about a week now was there, of course, and Nick, his friend who thinks I’m “cute”, was also there. I tried my hardest to have a good time but it was increasingly difficult. I stood there while Nikki and Chad hugged and kissed and were totally involved in one another and Nick kept staring at me hoping to make interesting conversation and find some connection with me. FYI: I’m totally not interested in Nick, even if Seattle weren’t in the pic, Nick would not make it onto my radar. And it upsets me because, sure Nick’s a nice guy and fun to chill at a bar with, but can’t I do better? I’ve been having this argument with Seattle that the guys that hit on my really bring down my self-confidence. That may sound super snobby and I apologize, but it is true that if you’re constantly being hit on by skeezy looking, lame guys, you start to wonder: “Is that what I really deserve?”

And it’s especially hard when you have a gorgeous friend like Nikki that attracts the cutest, nicest guys. Where are my cute nice guys? Why can’t they live in LA?

To top off my night BM#1, who I haven’t heard from/have been ignoring since that unsuccessful trip down to Redondo, called me. He was clearly drunk and rambled on for at least 20 mins about how he needs a second chance with me. He apologized and was freaking out because he feels like he blew his chances with me and he’s not willing to accept that because there’s something about me. He said, “You have an amazing heart that hasn’t been tapped into yet.” And he wants to be the one to tap it…

I just sat and listened and cried. Why do I have an overabundance of guys in my life that need a second chance? Why couldn’t they have just gotten it right in the first place? I’m so sick of apologies, I just want one guy that gets it right and sticks around and doesn’t live thousands of miles away. I just really don’t think it’s possible in LA.

After talking to BM#1 I text Seattle on the off chance he was still awake and he was. He asked how the rest of my night went and I said, “Not great.” Then he responded, “Want to talk about it? Has to be short though.” This just made me more upset. I did want to talk about it but I didn’t want to feel like I had to put a time limit on it. I understand he’s got an important life and needs to get up early, but I want a guy who will sacrifice a little bit for me. I want him to say, “Call me, tell me all about it.” Not, “It has to be short, though.” Thanks for squeezing me in. I told him we’d just talk today. I’m so frustrated. I’m glad we didn’t talk last night because I probably would’ve unloaded all of my fears and crazy thoughts on him and regretted it this morning.

I wanted to ask him, “What are we doing???????????????????????????”

I also have decided that I’m not going to have sex with him when I go up to Washington in a few days. We’ve joked about it over the phone. But I’m really convinced now that it’s a bad idea. I don’t need to add a notch to my bedpost if it’s not someone who’s gonna be around for awhile. I have enough notches and would really like to keep that number where it is.

I’ve never felt so hopeless and desperate in my life and I absolutely hate it. I feel pathetic.

Screaming at the Top of My Lungs

April 2, 2009

This picture is how I feel today. 15 days till Washington. Time is going too slowly. Ok, where to begin…yesterday, eh?

Went to Fox and Hound with Nikki. The bartender we met on Monday night was working and remembered us. Gave us free drinks and shots. I only had one of each. I was driving. He was a lot of fun to chat with all night and we both couldn’t help but notice how much he reminded us of Sam. Very much similar. Even to the point where he was getting wasted on the job and not caring at all.

Lots of men there on Wednesday night! Our odds were pretty good. Nikki was scoping out the soccer team that was entering in groups of two. She realized it’s the same team her ex used to play on, but that didn’t stop her from hoping to get back on the team! Then we realized that one of the guys from Monday night was on the team as well! Uh-oh, his friend had called me earlier as well and I ignored it, naturally. He left a message. Ugh. Well, Ned, the guy that we ran into again at F&H seemed pretty chill, so we chatted with him for a bit.

Nikki found some new eye candy and of course two seconds later he pulled up a barstool and started chatting her up. She was over it in five minutes. Jess joined us at the bar after work and we all went outside for a smoke (I watched). Nikki said, “What a waste!” She was referring to the guy she had just been talking with because he was super attractive and yet his mind was slosh from all the drugs he’s done. She’s right, what a waste.

We decided to head over to the other bar, Maeve’s for a bit. Our odds were just as good over there, but the crowd was a little weird. We were being wallflowers by ourselves and a guy comes over and uses this as an “in”: “Is that your library card hanging out there for everyone to see?” Referring to my key chain that was attached to my belt loop and yes, has my lib. card on it. Now if he had been a cast member on Mystery’s reality show, “The Pickup Artist”, he’d have lost this round. The three of us proceeded to chat about reading, and um…yes it was the most boring conversation I’ve ever had at a bar. I kept turning my body further and further away from him in hopes that he’s good with body language, but alas, he still stayed too long.

Ned, from F&H came in not too long after so we headed over to him and his friends to chat. They were also awkward. Come on guys! Where’s your game at??

These two other guys that we had been bumping into all night came over and asked if we needed to be saved. They had been noticing that we’ve been getting into a lot of “boring” conversations all evening. I swear to God, I thought these two guys were gay. Therefore, they were “safe” and the four of us chatted casually and it was fun. Then, Dom (one of the gay guys) started flirting with me and asking me when he’ll see me here next and blah blah blah. Oh no! Even if he was straight, and I wasn’t so in like with Seattle, he is sooo not my type! How does this happen?

Well, Dom has already found me on myspace and sent me a message saying that I was “too gorgeous” last night and if I could “tone it down” the next time we hang out that would be great. Now I just know he’s full of shit, because I was not dressed up at all, had very little makeup on and did nothing with my hair. He must’ve had his ‘goggles’ on…

Nikki and I left the bar and headed straight for Carls Jr. We had been craving it all night. I think I was craving it because I had gone on a 40min run that day and working out makes me hungry. We chowed down at her place and talked about the many boys. I can’t keep track anymore. It’s getting to be a bit much. While there, I received a text from Seattle: “My turn for a late night text. Sad thing is that I have no fun story to tell about being up late, just homework. I feel like I am hanging out with u, i.e. going to bed at 2:30 and getting up at 7:30. This would be much more fun if I had you to wake up to.”

Man, he says the right things. I was telling Jess and Nikki earlier that night that it’s definitely going to be hard for me to not have sex with him when I go visit in a few weeks. I’m gonna wanna so bad! Nikki’s advice, “Just go for it if it feels right!” I guess it’s just weird for me, because if I did in fact “just go for it” how would that be any different then what I did all last year. So many guys, so much sex, so little satisfaction. I want the meaning behind the action now…humph. When did I regain my morals? Ha!

I think I’m moving my ring back to the left for a little while. I need a break.