Eh....

July 1, 2009.

Ok, on to a new month. New beginnings? Doubtful. But new hope, I suppose.

Just got off the phone with Seattle. I cried. But not for the usual reason that I cry when I talk to him. I'm upset because my choices for the fourth of July right now are as follows:

1)spend the day alone since my girls are all working
2)spend the day with Seattle and his bro
3)spend part of the day driving 5hrs by myself to Scottsdale, AZ and meet up with Todd and his friends.

None of these are appealing to me because:

1)The fourth is my favorite holiday because it's spent with family and friends...not alone
2)If I spend time with Seattle I might end up crying anyhow...I think it'll be tough to see him and “just be friends”
3)I don't want to take a road trip that far alone and then spend the day with Todd's friends, who are great, but they're not my friends...

So, I don't know what to do right now. I'm pretty unhappy. I know I'll figure it out and probably have “the best fourth ever!” I'm just super bummed right now that it's not gonna be spent with my girls. Then through the conversation with Seattle, I realized just how much my girls really are my only friends out here...I've sort of lost all my others. This is not so good.

Ugh. Ok, well, let's see, it's a new month. So, I'm gonna set some new goals for myself. The first may be silly, but I think it'll actually be the easiest to follow:

1)I will not give my number to any guys this month. I don't like giving out my number usually anyway, because most often the guy asking is not one that I'm interested in, so I think if I just say it's a RULE for myself, then I'll be able to say no and walk away.

I would say my second goal is to not have sex, but that's a given and I'm pretty sure I'll somehow fail at this one, not that I'm planning on it, Vienna's in, well, Vienna; Todd's been super good at, well, being good; and I found out that I can actually say “no” to Madrid. So all in all, I think I have a good chance at success this month. We shall see!

That's the only goal I have so far, but I'm sure I'll come up with some other great ones.

Btw, as far as my goals for this week (no alcohol, no sleepovers) I'm doin' just fine!

Updates soon!

PS. Chatted with Vienna on Skype this morning...he's super sweet. I could have some gorgeous Austrian babies that would look like they were straight out of 'The Sound Of Music' if I ever desired to have children...not gonna happen.

Lump in my throat

May 13, 2009

Oy. So Seattle read my 4:30 in the morning, overreacting, jumping to conclusions blog. It made him upset. He wrote me a long email and explained that he has no intention of getting together with 'Becks' or any other girl for that matter. I'm gonna give you a tid bit from the email, but not all of it, because it's just for me:

“Just know that I have never lied to you, and I have tried to explain myself as best as I can. I care about you more than I have probably expressed and I am so very sorry for ever hurting you and making you feel how I have. I know you mentioned early on that you were worried about me being ready for a relationship and I guess you were right. I was (am) just so infatuated with you that I wanted to be ready for a relationship.

I want to continue to take it one day at a time and see what happens between us, but I understand if you feel differently. Just please know that I had no intention of trying to get with you by saying or acting in some manner to deceive you. As much as I enjoyed being with you, I would take it back if I could, because I feel like you are upset that we did.

I have a sad feeling in my stomach that you are going to use this as a reason to move on and be with other people, and I understand that. Just know that you are an amazing person, and if I can’t be the one to be with you, some very lucky guy will eventually find you.”

I text him before going to work because I had 20min and I didn't want to have to wait until 11pm last night talk about things. He responded, “Sorry, now's not a good time. *sad face”. I knew this meant he was with Becks. I was pissed. I felt like he was choosing her over me. So I didn't text anything back until after he confirmed he had been with Becks and then I responded, “I figured. I'm at work. I'll call you tomorrow.” Because I just didn't think I could handle talking to him later.

But when I got home and read the email and knew that he had read my blog and saw that he had tried to gmail chat me and skype me...etc. I figured I owed it to him to talk. I care about him. I don't like to think I'm causing him pain.

We cried a lot. He admitted to me that it freaks him out how much he cares for me. He feels as though he's “falling in love with me.” Ditto. He just feels as if he's not ready for those emotions and not ready for the pain that comes along with those emotions when things don't work out.

I guess it's better to end it sooner than later...right? Well, we talked it all out and actually ended the conversation on a high note with a little sprinkling of laughter. We decided he shouldn't come visit anymore, it's just gonna be too hard. I already booked myself for tons of work/rehearsals that weekend, so I'll be busy and distracted (thank God).

It just hurts mainly because it's so good with him and the two main reason for not being together, really suck. 1)the distance 2)he's not ready to be in love again.

I'm ready. I'm ready to be loved and I'm ready to be in love. I miss it. It stinks that I found someone I believe that to be possible with and yet I can't have him. Totally blows. Ugh.

Well, on to distractions! I have a dinner date set up for tomorrow night with Todd. I wish I could be more excited about it, but really I'm gonna be sitting there the entire time wishing it were Seattle. I mean, I'm sure I'll have a pleasant time. But maybe it'll be the end for me and Todd. I'll realize he's just totally not right for me.

I told Seattle on the phone last night, “Take as much time as you need. Be single, enjoy yourself. But remain infatuated with me. I'm going to date, I'm going to be with other people. But as soon as you're ready...come and sweep me off my feet. Even if I'm with someone else, sweep me off my feet.”

I meant every word of that.

One Day at a Time

May 1, 2009.

Happy May! Usually this is where I say, “Wow, I’ve made it! Four months abstinent!” But we all know that I’d be lying if I claimed that. Well. It’ll be a whole month before I have sex again (starting from the day I left Washington) So, does that count?

I apologize for the late posting. Skype and Seattle are equally to blame. Man, our Skype romance is blossoming quite nicely. Tonight we watched some youtube videos together, mostly about hamsters and breakdancing. Then we did some online shopping, mostly lingerie and mother’s day gifts (not at the same site/time). I also got to hang out while Seattle showered and got in his p.j.’s. He didn’t show me the goods this time. He figured last time ought to last me a while. I suppose I owe him. Then, last but not least we brushed up our French speaking skills un petit peu.

Man, he’s cute. It’s hard though to talk on Skype and not try to multi-task. I tend to want to check my email or do some more blog research or look up crazy weird things, but when I do that I notice I don’t focus on the conversation and I totally lose track of what he’s saying. I don’t like that. I want to give him my undivided attention. No multi-tasking!

Ok, so here’s the beginning of the list of things I want to do while Seattle’s in town (in 21 days…):

 Cuddle
 Hang out in my bed
 Spend a whole day at the beach
 Surf
 Have a beer on the boardwalk while watching the sunset
 Cuddle some more
 Get nakey
 Wear my new lingerie
 Make plans for our next weekend together (hopefully sooner than a whole month)
 Go see a movie


And, I’m sure I’ll be adding to that list, but for now that’s pretty good. If you have any fantastical ideas be sure to let me know! What stinks is I’m sure I’ll be scheduled to work on Friday night when he arrives. I made sure to request Saturday off because Sunday I’ll be rehearsing improv. Ugh! So, we have to make the most out of Saturday and then I’m not sure if he’ll be leaving on Monday or Tuesday. I’m gonna keep my fingers crossed for Tuesday so I have that extra day to canoodle with him! It just ain’t fair. It’s gonna be so painful to say goodbye to him again. Ok, I won’t think about that yet!

“I promise to take one day at a time.” – quote on the ring Nikki gave me, which I’ve been wearing on my ring finger. I like it. It sums up my year!

This is hard!!!

April 28, 2009.

Wowza. Nothin’ much doin’ today, I had a doc appt and then worked out…but last night! Oh, boy! I went to kickboxing with the ladies and then came home to change and go out with Nikki. Seattle called while I was getting ready so I let him watch me do my makeup on Skype…how fascinating.

After I was all dolled up and ready to go, I text Nikki and she told me she decided to be responsible and stay in to do some homework. Blah. So, there I was all dolled up and no place to go. Well, it worked out, I chatted away on Skype with Seattle.

Now, here’s my dilemma. I don’t know if Skype is helping or harming our LDR (Long-distance relationship). It’s such a tease. Before, when you’re just on the phone, you’re kind of removed from the idea that you can’t touch or kiss or be near one another. But with Skype, it’s just like you’re in the same room, but are not allowed to reach out and touch. It’s the whole museum affect. You can look but can’t touch, but just that rule makes it so much harder to be good!

We talked forever, again, of course. And we started getting a wee bit adventurous. We played strip trivia over Skype. Proud to say I won! (Phew). And I wasn’t gonna hold Seattle to it, I know it’s a bit awkward and perhaps not a good idea to get nakey over the internet, but after about five minutes of hemming and hawing, he gave in and gave me a little show. Or, er, big show, I should say!

It was nice.

I’ve noticed though that in our conversations over Skype he tells of his frustration more than when we were just talking on the phone. And every time he says “this is hard” or “this is frustrating”, I expect it to be followed up with a “and not worth it”. Is it worth it? I guess only time will tell.

But I agree it’s very frustrating. My weeks are getting busy every passing moment and even taking a weekend out of town a month seems to throw off a lot of things. It is hard to leave your life behind even for three days.

This would be so much easier if we lived in the same town. Or at least within driving distance of one another. Humph. 23 days until I see him again. That’s too much.

Oh yeah. Todd called last night. He’s back in town. I didn’t answer. Ugh.

"Skype Saved Our Marriage"

April 27, 2009.

Unfortunately, I have not updated you since Friday because I was a little preoccupied with birthday madness and hangover aftermath.

My day on Saturday was pretty awesome. I turned 25 on the 25th! Hollahh!! I got up in the morning and went to a $1 sale at Buffalo Exchange; the best second hand store on Ventura. Came home with some kick ass shirts and then ran some errands until dinner plans at 6:30pm.

Lee and I had talked the night before and worked everything out. So we’re all good, and I’m glad. I’d hate to not have her in my life.

Went to sushi with Miguel, Lee, Lil’ bro and some peeps from my improv troupe. They bought me dinner and a rose. I felt very loved. After dinner, Lee, Miguel and lil bro and I all returned back to my apt to prep for my slumber party.

I decided in honor of being 25 I wanted to celebrate the relationships that are most sacred to me. My girlfriends. No boys allowed (with the exception of Miguel and Lil’ bro, naturally.) Lil bro and Miguel decided they wanted to get the party started by dressing up and speaking in “Borat” like accents and also dressing up the pad with flashing lights and techno music. It was hilarious to say the least. They greeted all my guests at the door with a “guest list”. It was great fun.

Miguel and Lee took off around midnight and then ultimate Truth or Dare began. How silly to be 25 and prank texting Todd and running around my complex pool with my buttcheeks hanging out. I loved it.

Lil bro was one of the girls the entire night. It was quite fun. I’m glad he was there, even though he has a penis. My girls are the greatest. It was Jess, Lacey and Nikki. Guys are great fun to have around in life, but nothing beats the relationship you have with your girlfriends. It’s comforting and wonderful to know that in the short year and a half that I’ve been in LA I’ve managed to find some pretty incredible ladies to surround myself with.

I called Seattle that night/Sunday morning when everyone was heading to bed. I apparently fell asleep on the phone with him. Ha! Oh drunky! He’s a good sport and just laughed about it with me on Sunday.

I forgot to mention that Nikki bought me a vibrator for my birthday. First one I’ve ever owned! I’m stoked!

So yesterday, I hung out with Jess for most of it, went to improv and had a really great practice and then came home and hooked up internet with Lil bro. That’s right, I’m sitting in my bedroom on wireless that I actually pay for (rather than stealing from the neighbor’s…sorry guys!)! Then I hooked up Skype on Seattle’s request.

I never knew about it before yesterday. But now I’m addicted and think it just might have extended the life of long distance relationship. I can’t even describe how amazing it was to see Seattle’s face while talking to him. He got his haircut and it looks very sexy.

We were on it for about 2 ½ to 3 hours. I know. We’re crazy. But I got to watch him walk around his apartment in his boxers…hot. We danced a little together to the music on my myspace. We watched his brother’s acting reel together. It was like we were hanging out. It was amazing! The only downfall was that I couldn’t reach out and stroke his hair or kiss his cute lips or run my fingers down his bare arm and around his chest. It was quite the tease…

I joked about how one of my avid blog readers said that Seattle and I aren’t far from phone sex. But now, I think it’s more appropriate to say we’re close to ‘Skype’ sex. Ha…kidding…maybe.

Well, I need to nap, since I was up till way too early this morning. But I’ll have more Skype tales soon!