Lump in my throat

May 13, 2009

Oy. So Seattle read my 4:30 in the morning, overreacting, jumping to conclusions blog. It made him upset. He wrote me a long email and explained that he has no intention of getting together with 'Becks' or any other girl for that matter. I'm gonna give you a tid bit from the email, but not all of it, because it's just for me:

“Just know that I have never lied to you, and I have tried to explain myself as best as I can. I care about you more than I have probably expressed and I am so very sorry for ever hurting you and making you feel how I have. I know you mentioned early on that you were worried about me being ready for a relationship and I guess you were right. I was (am) just so infatuated with you that I wanted to be ready for a relationship.

I want to continue to take it one day at a time and see what happens between us, but I understand if you feel differently. Just please know that I had no intention of trying to get with you by saying or acting in some manner to deceive you. As much as I enjoyed being with you, I would take it back if I could, because I feel like you are upset that we did.

I have a sad feeling in my stomach that you are going to use this as a reason to move on and be with other people, and I understand that. Just know that you are an amazing person, and if I can’t be the one to be with you, some very lucky guy will eventually find you.”

I text him before going to work because I had 20min and I didn't want to have to wait until 11pm last night talk about things. He responded, “Sorry, now's not a good time. *sad face”. I knew this meant he was with Becks. I was pissed. I felt like he was choosing her over me. So I didn't text anything back until after he confirmed he had been with Becks and then I responded, “I figured. I'm at work. I'll call you tomorrow.” Because I just didn't think I could handle talking to him later.

But when I got home and read the email and knew that he had read my blog and saw that he had tried to gmail chat me and skype me...etc. I figured I owed it to him to talk. I care about him. I don't like to think I'm causing him pain.

We cried a lot. He admitted to me that it freaks him out how much he cares for me. He feels as though he's “falling in love with me.” Ditto. He just feels as if he's not ready for those emotions and not ready for the pain that comes along with those emotions when things don't work out.

I guess it's better to end it sooner than later...right? Well, we talked it all out and actually ended the conversation on a high note with a little sprinkling of laughter. We decided he shouldn't come visit anymore, it's just gonna be too hard. I already booked myself for tons of work/rehearsals that weekend, so I'll be busy and distracted (thank God).

It just hurts mainly because it's so good with him and the two main reason for not being together, really suck. 1)the distance 2)he's not ready to be in love again.

I'm ready. I'm ready to be loved and I'm ready to be in love. I miss it. It stinks that I found someone I believe that to be possible with and yet I can't have him. Totally blows. Ugh.

Well, on to distractions! I have a dinner date set up for tomorrow night with Todd. I wish I could be more excited about it, but really I'm gonna be sitting there the entire time wishing it were Seattle. I mean, I'm sure I'll have a pleasant time. But maybe it'll be the end for me and Todd. I'll realize he's just totally not right for me.

I told Seattle on the phone last night, “Take as much time as you need. Be single, enjoy yourself. But remain infatuated with me. I'm going to date, I'm going to be with other people. But as soon as you're ready...come and sweep me off my feet. Even if I'm with someone else, sweep me off my feet.”

I meant every word of that.