January 24, 2009
VICTORIOUS! Ok. So, Lindsay, Margaret and I were all booked to work on the Hallmark movie today. What a great day! It was pretty much an all girl day so not too many manly distractions. Except, I will say the P.A. that checked us in bright and early was extremely handsome. We all made a point to remember his name and use it as many times as possible during the day.
Then, we came home and vegged out for a bit until Nate got off work and we all headed to a house party for one of his coworkers who is leaving town in a week. I wasn’t too psyched, because the last time we went to a house party at this particular place I was a third wheel and Margaret and Nate closed themselves up with one of the hosts and smoked a bowl for a good 30 to 45 min. I stood outside and awkwardly pretended I was on the phone, so I wouldn’t have to talk to the jocks that were outside smoking. It was awful.
Well, this time, Lindsay was here and she was ready to mingle! So, we were one anothers wing-woman and we had a blast! We got lots of male attention and made many friends. Plus, Liam, the guy who I’ve got a major crushy-crush on, walked through the door. Hallelujah! We’ve hung out a few times, but I never gave him my number as respect for Nate, because he’s his friends and I don’t want to cross any boundaries. But tonight, I decided that was bullshit and boundaries needed to be crossed. I just can’t keep my eyes off of him. He’s adorable and I think he has the same thought about me.
Lindsay and I worked our charm on these men and the party was full of drool over our smiley eyes and shining smiles. Margaret and Nate decided that they’d had enough and let it be known that “whenever we want to go, is cool.” But Lindsay and I were clearly just getting started. We decided one more beer from the keg and we’d be good. So we let out our last valiant flirtatious efforts and decided to leave the guys wanting more.
I went to say goodbye to Liam and his roomie (I adore them both) and I finally exchanged numbers with Liam…FINALLY! I couldn’t be happier. I want to so bad right now just text him and admit what a crush I have on him…but I’m gonna train myself to be a littler harder to get. Not rush into things. I’m still respecting the ring and even if Liam and I do end up hanging out more, there will be no sleepovers and no nookie, just like I previously stated.
Liam gave me a great goodbye hug and offered to drive me and Lindsay home if we perchance did want to stay a bit longer, but we do have to get up bright and early again, so we decided we needed to leave in order to get as much beauty sleep as possible. But, I have plans to ensnare adorable Liam on Tuesday night with the temptation of wings and beer at wing night. We shall see…I’m super excited. I’m happy Lindsay’s here, because she’s helping me see that my roommates are a bit crazy, and I need to not let them take control of my life as much as I do now. Major changes in 2009. I love it! Still “engaged”, still abstaining, still happy and going strong!
Updates soon.
P.S. Tony called me while I was at the party. I think he really misses me. Two nights in a row! That’s a first since last January when we were actually dating. I like that I don’t have the urge to call him back or run right over when he calls anymore, but I can still talk with him and make plans to hang out. As he stated tonight, it’s my turn to call him this week so we can set up a play date. I sort of want to, but I also sort of don’t. It’s interesting…
Monday, January 26, 2009
Oy Vay
January 23, 2009
The Band came, gave me a heart attack, and left. The first night they were here was fun/terrifying. They arrived around midnight and we played a drinking game. One of them made it clear that he was after my heart…I thought it was sweet, but felt not much chemistry.
Then they went out to have a smoke and ended up having a very loud heart to heart outside, which I couldn’t help but fear would wake my neighbors. I lay awake, panicking and listening for someone to walk outside and tell them to “shut the fuck up!” But no one ever did. They were outside until 6 am.
One of them (the cutest in my opinion) had come in a little earlier to use the bathroom and had informed me that when they came in “one of us is going to cuddle you.” I hoped it would be him, but knew it was going to be the one who kept flirting earlier. I’d settle for that.
So, they all came in and claimed their sleeping spaces and to my surprise, no one cuddled. But, I was relieved. That would’ve been awkward. Plus, they’re band guys and the way they were all talking about women was extremely degrading and I felt like, “I don’t want to be one of those girls.”
The next day they left in the afternoon and I was going to meet them later at the show, but decided I really couldn’t spend the gas money (it was an hour and half away) and I was planning on seeing them tonight anyhow, in Hollywood.
They didn’t get back until 2am after their show in Bakersfield. I was anxious to go to sleep because I was picking up our friend from the airport the next morning. After a long series of text flirting with band member #1, they arrived back at my apt. Most of them went straight to sleep (thank God!) but two of them stayed up with me and watched movies. Finally, they were all gone except me and BM#1. We decided, what the heck, let’s cuddle.
It was awkward. And that was that. I absolutely did not kiss him, did not try to get him in any sort of mood and absolutely did not have sex with him.
What I learned: band guys are fun to flirt with but not good choices for boyfriends; I like being single; I miss Tony.
Tony called this evening. He called me last weekend, because he wanted to hang out. I invited him out to Pineapple. Apparently, his phone died and he didn’t get the message till the next day. He called me back and left a message. I made it a point not to call him back. Last year I was always too quick to return his phone calls, so I’m gonna play it a little harder to get. So, this week I’ve just been a little too busy with houseguests to have time to call him. He called tonight. He misses me. I could tell he wanted to hang out, and I really wanted to hang out with him as well, but Lindsay, our friend from college, is staying with us and this is her first night here, so it would’ve been rude to leave. I told him if he wants to have dinner at all next week, he should give me a call. I think he will. I’m glad we can be cordial. I still like his company.
And hey, next week is the last week of January and I’ll be happy to announce that I’ve gone a month without getting laid! That’s a pretty big thing for me. I feel good, emotionally and physically. I feel a little bit cleaner and little bit stronger. Hazzah!
The Band came, gave me a heart attack, and left. The first night they were here was fun/terrifying. They arrived around midnight and we played a drinking game. One of them made it clear that he was after my heart…I thought it was sweet, but felt not much chemistry.
Then they went out to have a smoke and ended up having a very loud heart to heart outside, which I couldn’t help but fear would wake my neighbors. I lay awake, panicking and listening for someone to walk outside and tell them to “shut the fuck up!” But no one ever did. They were outside until 6 am.
One of them (the cutest in my opinion) had come in a little earlier to use the bathroom and had informed me that when they came in “one of us is going to cuddle you.” I hoped it would be him, but knew it was going to be the one who kept flirting earlier. I’d settle for that.
So, they all came in and claimed their sleeping spaces and to my surprise, no one cuddled. But, I was relieved. That would’ve been awkward. Plus, they’re band guys and the way they were all talking about women was extremely degrading and I felt like, “I don’t want to be one of those girls.”
The next day they left in the afternoon and I was going to meet them later at the show, but decided I really couldn’t spend the gas money (it was an hour and half away) and I was planning on seeing them tonight anyhow, in Hollywood.
They didn’t get back until 2am after their show in Bakersfield. I was anxious to go to sleep because I was picking up our friend from the airport the next morning. After a long series of text flirting with band member #1, they arrived back at my apt. Most of them went straight to sleep (thank God!) but two of them stayed up with me and watched movies. Finally, they were all gone except me and BM#1. We decided, what the heck, let’s cuddle.
It was awkward. And that was that. I absolutely did not kiss him, did not try to get him in any sort of mood and absolutely did not have sex with him.
What I learned: band guys are fun to flirt with but not good choices for boyfriends; I like being single; I miss Tony.
Tony called this evening. He called me last weekend, because he wanted to hang out. I invited him out to Pineapple. Apparently, his phone died and he didn’t get the message till the next day. He called me back and left a message. I made it a point not to call him back. Last year I was always too quick to return his phone calls, so I’m gonna play it a little harder to get. So, this week I’ve just been a little too busy with houseguests to have time to call him. He called tonight. He misses me. I could tell he wanted to hang out, and I really wanted to hang out with him as well, but Lindsay, our friend from college, is staying with us and this is her first night here, so it would’ve been rude to leave. I told him if he wants to have dinner at all next week, he should give me a call. I think he will. I’m glad we can be cordial. I still like his company.
And hey, next week is the last week of January and I’ll be happy to announce that I’ve gone a month without getting laid! That’s a pretty big thing for me. I feel good, emotionally and physically. I feel a little bit cleaner and little bit stronger. Hazzah!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A Proposal? So soon?
January 21, 2009
8am, I woke up to a marriage proposal. Ok, so maybe it was a marriage text and it was at 8:37am, but it was still a proposal. My friend Jeff, who lives in Chicago, text me most randomly this morning. I feel like everyone I met last summer has just come back into my life and all in three days…I’ve heard from 8 of my coworkers/friends from my catering job. There must be a reason for this.
Jeff continued to text me silly things about how we’d have a honeymoon on the moon and even though we can’t afford it, “our love will pay for everything.” I know he was joking about everything. He’s gay. As for as I know, he’s gay. And he’s a drug addict. So I don’t quite know what kind of future I would have with a gay drug addict, but it would be thrilling! That’s for sure!
Also, I talked to Kyle last night, who is on his way into town with the newest band he’s tour managing. He informed me that they would be staying at Chez Irene’s this evening. I have yet to tell the roommates. What a nice surprise!
Margaret and I have our Women’s Study church group tonight for the first time. I’m looking forward to it. No men. What a change of pace. Then we come home to a house full of men. Men in bands…hmmm. This will most definitely make for a comical evening. There will not be a drop of alcohol on my lips! I think I’m gonna have to play the mother figure this evening. I hope this works out and our apartment doesn’t explode!!
I’m frightened. Updates soon.
8am, I woke up to a marriage proposal. Ok, so maybe it was a marriage text and it was at 8:37am, but it was still a proposal. My friend Jeff, who lives in Chicago, text me most randomly this morning. I feel like everyone I met last summer has just come back into my life and all in three days…I’ve heard from 8 of my coworkers/friends from my catering job. There must be a reason for this.
Jeff continued to text me silly things about how we’d have a honeymoon on the moon and even though we can’t afford it, “our love will pay for everything.” I know he was joking about everything. He’s gay. As for as I know, he’s gay. And he’s a drug addict. So I don’t quite know what kind of future I would have with a gay drug addict, but it would be thrilling! That’s for sure!
Also, I talked to Kyle last night, who is on his way into town with the newest band he’s tour managing. He informed me that they would be staying at Chez Irene’s this evening. I have yet to tell the roommates. What a nice surprise!
Margaret and I have our Women’s Study church group tonight for the first time. I’m looking forward to it. No men. What a change of pace. Then we come home to a house full of men. Men in bands…hmmm. This will most definitely make for a comical evening. There will not be a drop of alcohol on my lips! I think I’m gonna have to play the mother figure this evening. I hope this works out and our apartment doesn’t explode!!
I’m frightened. Updates soon.
Going to Hawaii
January 20, 2009.
I’ve been invited to go to Hawaii. Sounds great, yes? Roundtrip for $400. What? Craziness. And he’s offering to pay for me. No, this is not a joke. My friend Steve, whom I know from my catering job last summer, was in town tonight for his birthday. He invited me to join him and some friends out at ‘The Room’ in Hollywood. I got Miguel and Lee to join me. They’re awesome, I’m super excited that they’re up for hanging out as much as I’m up for going out!
Anywho, we met Steve and co. there around 10:30pm. It was a pretty cool place. Steve was updating me on his life; we’ve only kept in touch through occasional text messages, so we had lots to catch up on. He mentioned that he’s going to Hawaii in February and looking for someone to go with him. He said he’s been before and it was no fun because he doesn’t like doing nothing by himself.
Now here in lies my dilemma. Steve’s really fun and really cool. I could totally spend a week in Hawaii with him. But, don’t guys only invite girls on vacation that they want to fuck? Excuse my French. Steve and I have never been more than friends. We’ve never kissed, never really flirted that much, and just been super cool with one another. But seriously…is he only inviting me to get laid? How do I tell him that I’d love to go, but am in no position to be sleeping with anyone and am definitely not looking for a relationship? Wouldn’t that put a damper on the whole week? I think so.
Plus, it’s Hawaii. Gorgeous sunsets, amazing beaches, palm trees galore, hula dancers, pina coladas, and so many more romantic things combined with a major consumption of those gloriously fruity cocktails would definitely make Irene in the mood for some lovin’. Attraction or not, those things would definitely make me open to suggestion. So, I guess the bottom line is, I’m not going to Hawaii. I’d love to. But, I can’t.
To top this crazy week off, I’ve got a band that’s going to be staying here tomorrow night and possibly Thursday night, unbeknownst to my roommates. We’ll see how that plays out! A house full of boys and guitars…mmm, I think I’ve always dreamed of that.
Goodnight.
I’ve been invited to go to Hawaii. Sounds great, yes? Roundtrip for $400. What? Craziness. And he’s offering to pay for me. No, this is not a joke. My friend Steve, whom I know from my catering job last summer, was in town tonight for his birthday. He invited me to join him and some friends out at ‘The Room’ in Hollywood. I got Miguel and Lee to join me. They’re awesome, I’m super excited that they’re up for hanging out as much as I’m up for going out!
Anywho, we met Steve and co. there around 10:30pm. It was a pretty cool place. Steve was updating me on his life; we’ve only kept in touch through occasional text messages, so we had lots to catch up on. He mentioned that he’s going to Hawaii in February and looking for someone to go with him. He said he’s been before and it was no fun because he doesn’t like doing nothing by himself.
Now here in lies my dilemma. Steve’s really fun and really cool. I could totally spend a week in Hawaii with him. But, don’t guys only invite girls on vacation that they want to fuck? Excuse my French. Steve and I have never been more than friends. We’ve never kissed, never really flirted that much, and just been super cool with one another. But seriously…is he only inviting me to get laid? How do I tell him that I’d love to go, but am in no position to be sleeping with anyone and am definitely not looking for a relationship? Wouldn’t that put a damper on the whole week? I think so.
Plus, it’s Hawaii. Gorgeous sunsets, amazing beaches, palm trees galore, hula dancers, pina coladas, and so many more romantic things combined with a major consumption of those gloriously fruity cocktails would definitely make Irene in the mood for some lovin’. Attraction or not, those things would definitely make me open to suggestion. So, I guess the bottom line is, I’m not going to Hawaii. I’d love to. But, I can’t.
To top this crazy week off, I’ve got a band that’s going to be staying here tomorrow night and possibly Thursday night, unbeknownst to my roommates. We’ll see how that plays out! A house full of boys and guitars…mmm, I think I’ve always dreamed of that.
Goodnight.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Valentine
January 19, 2009.
Didn't do much today.
Was the infamous third wheel at the movies tonight with the roomies. We went to see the 3D "My Bloody Valentine". We laughed the whole way through it. But, I couldn't help but think of Valentine's Day, which is less that a month away now.
I first thought, "I'm definitely buying myself some chocolates." I'm not going without this year, just because I don't have a boyfriend! And then I upgraded my thinking. I'm going to have a romantic evening to myself. Make myself an amazing dinner, get champagne to go with it, box of chocolates and perhaps a chick flick. I think that it'll be fun. Or perhaps the most depressing time one could have. But i'm routing for fun. I'm gonna make it fun!
That's about it. I'll update tomorrow!
Didn't do much today.
Was the infamous third wheel at the movies tonight with the roomies. We went to see the 3D "My Bloody Valentine". We laughed the whole way through it. But, I couldn't help but think of Valentine's Day, which is less that a month away now.
I first thought, "I'm definitely buying myself some chocolates." I'm not going without this year, just because I don't have a boyfriend! And then I upgraded my thinking. I'm going to have a romantic evening to myself. Make myself an amazing dinner, get champagne to go with it, box of chocolates and perhaps a chick flick. I think that it'll be fun. Or perhaps the most depressing time one could have. But i'm routing for fun. I'm gonna make it fun!
That's about it. I'll update tomorrow!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Gonna Be a Happy Year
January 18, 2009.
I’m very excited! I had church this morning and Margaret and I signed up for the women’s study group, which is going to take place on Wednesday evening. The pastor, Pastor Ric caught us at the coffee counter they have and chatted us up for a bit. He highly recommended that we attend the singles group they have. Hmm…lots of single Christian men. Not sure I can handle that!
Margaret and I then went to Barnes and Noble to get the book we need for this Wednesday. We both read through the first chapter and it was all about making room in your life for worship. Worship before work. Kind of ironic since I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go to the meeting this Wednesday if I get booked on a job. I do desperately need the money, but God should come first.
Improv this evening was a little rusty, but practicing felt good. Only one more rehearsal before we do our next show. John, one of the heads of the company noticed my ring and noted aloud, “That’s a shiny ring!” And I replied, “It’s not a real ring, well, it’s a real ring, but it’s not actually an engagement ring. I wear it to keep people away.” Then they all made a big deal of it and Brad added it into our introductions while rehearsing our show. “Let’s welcome our players…and here’s the next lovely lady who wears a ring to keep the men away, Irene!” Oh boy, I hope he doesn’t do that during the actual show.
Again, I just feel it unnecessary to lie to this group of people as well. Harmless…I hope. After practice I had a meeting with John to discuss this upcoming year at the theater. I expressed interest in a few of the shows and he was excited to hear that I was interested in ‘Medea’. He in turn expressed interest in having me play the part of Medea. Which is exciting, thrilling, terrifying, and worrisome all in one.
Now here’s another thing. They have acting classes for their members during the day on Wednesdays. So how coincidental and perfect is it that I could take Wednesdays off to pursue acting and worship as well as Sundays off to pursue church and improv. It just seems so perfect and it also fills my schedule with incredibly beneficial things and gives me less time to think about men. I love it. This year is going to kick some major butt!
Just on another note: I feel as though Tony’s been reaching out to me more lately. Maybe he’s lonely and needs a friend. Maybe he misses me. Maybe he’s in love and finally realizing it. Totally kidding on that last part. But, it’s kind of funny how it’s worked out since I vowed to keep him out of my 2009 life. But perhaps he’s suppose to experience 2009 with me and I’m meant to help him, spiritually, perhaps, emotionally, perhaps, who knows why, but I’m glad we can be a part of one another’s lives in a healthy way; at least a healthier way.
I’m very excited! I had church this morning and Margaret and I signed up for the women’s study group, which is going to take place on Wednesday evening. The pastor, Pastor Ric caught us at the coffee counter they have and chatted us up for a bit. He highly recommended that we attend the singles group they have. Hmm…lots of single Christian men. Not sure I can handle that!
Margaret and I then went to Barnes and Noble to get the book we need for this Wednesday. We both read through the first chapter and it was all about making room in your life for worship. Worship before work. Kind of ironic since I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go to the meeting this Wednesday if I get booked on a job. I do desperately need the money, but God should come first.
Improv this evening was a little rusty, but practicing felt good. Only one more rehearsal before we do our next show. John, one of the heads of the company noticed my ring and noted aloud, “That’s a shiny ring!” And I replied, “It’s not a real ring, well, it’s a real ring, but it’s not actually an engagement ring. I wear it to keep people away.” Then they all made a big deal of it and Brad added it into our introductions while rehearsing our show. “Let’s welcome our players…and here’s the next lovely lady who wears a ring to keep the men away, Irene!” Oh boy, I hope he doesn’t do that during the actual show.
Again, I just feel it unnecessary to lie to this group of people as well. Harmless…I hope. After practice I had a meeting with John to discuss this upcoming year at the theater. I expressed interest in a few of the shows and he was excited to hear that I was interested in ‘Medea’. He in turn expressed interest in having me play the part of Medea. Which is exciting, thrilling, terrifying, and worrisome all in one.
Now here’s another thing. They have acting classes for their members during the day on Wednesdays. So how coincidental and perfect is it that I could take Wednesdays off to pursue acting and worship as well as Sundays off to pursue church and improv. It just seems so perfect and it also fills my schedule with incredibly beneficial things and gives me less time to think about men. I love it. This year is going to kick some major butt!
Just on another note: I feel as though Tony’s been reaching out to me more lately. Maybe he’s lonely and needs a friend. Maybe he misses me. Maybe he’s in love and finally realizing it. Totally kidding on that last part. But, it’s kind of funny how it’s worked out since I vowed to keep him out of my 2009 life. But perhaps he’s suppose to experience 2009 with me and I’m meant to help him, spiritually, perhaps, emotionally, perhaps, who knows why, but I’m glad we can be a part of one another’s lives in a healthy way; at least a healthier way.
A Bit Unrefined
January 17, 2009.
Wow. What a night. I ended up going to Pineapple with an entourage of people, drinking way too many drinks, paying for the whole bill (I feel generous and forget I’m broke when I’m drunk), coming back to my apartment, drinking some more with Pete and Ryan and literally spilling my guts all over the bathroom floor. Sorry if that’s too graphic, but I promised honesty!
I can usually hold my liquor. Yes, I get clumsy and fall down, but I never, I repeat, never throw up. Unfortunately, last night I decided rum and cokes mixed with a shot of baileys, plum wine, tequila and whiskey sounded like a fun plan. Dear God, what a horrible idea.
But, I have to say, I’m proud of myself for going to bed alone and to my knowledge, I didn’t make out with anyone. At least I hope I didn’t. Man, I sound like a mess. And yes, last night I was. But, I assure you that usually I’m a very well behaved lady.
It was fun last night though at the bar, because it was a whole big group of us, and I was far from being the fifth wheel like I worried I would be. There were three bachelors that joined us as well. People I know through Nate; Pete and Ryan, who are both also from NY and Seth, who’s from New Jersey and works with Nate.
I’ve known Pete for about a year now. When we first met, he had a crush on me and kept trying to get me to go out with just him, but I avoided. Nate was upset at him too, because he doesn’t like the idea of his friends dating me. I don’t know, a territorial thing maybe? Or maybe he just knows how much of a man-eater I am…kidding! Anywho, we’ve all managed to remain just friends. Last night though, I was feeling my loneliness rise with each drink. When Pete and Ryan came back with me and we continued to drink, I kept trying to convince them to sleepover. But it was for selfish reasons. I thought Pete might cuddle with me. I’m a terrible person. I’m super glad that didn’t happen so things can remain friendly between us and not get awkward. I don’t need anymore notches.
Today was spent in my pajamas on the couch. It was super nice. I feel embarrassed about last night too, but everyone makes mistakes and only my roomies could hear me in my misery, it’s not like I threw up in front of people. So I keep telling myself that next week is a fresh start. It’s gonna be an even better week than I just had. I promise to act a bit more refined.
Wow. What a night. I ended up going to Pineapple with an entourage of people, drinking way too many drinks, paying for the whole bill (I feel generous and forget I’m broke when I’m drunk), coming back to my apartment, drinking some more with Pete and Ryan and literally spilling my guts all over the bathroom floor. Sorry if that’s too graphic, but I promised honesty!
I can usually hold my liquor. Yes, I get clumsy and fall down, but I never, I repeat, never throw up. Unfortunately, last night I decided rum and cokes mixed with a shot of baileys, plum wine, tequila and whiskey sounded like a fun plan. Dear God, what a horrible idea.
But, I have to say, I’m proud of myself for going to bed alone and to my knowledge, I didn’t make out with anyone. At least I hope I didn’t. Man, I sound like a mess. And yes, last night I was. But, I assure you that usually I’m a very well behaved lady.
It was fun last night though at the bar, because it was a whole big group of us, and I was far from being the fifth wheel like I worried I would be. There were three bachelors that joined us as well. People I know through Nate; Pete and Ryan, who are both also from NY and Seth, who’s from New Jersey and works with Nate.
I’ve known Pete for about a year now. When we first met, he had a crush on me and kept trying to get me to go out with just him, but I avoided. Nate was upset at him too, because he doesn’t like the idea of his friends dating me. I don’t know, a territorial thing maybe? Or maybe he just knows how much of a man-eater I am…kidding! Anywho, we’ve all managed to remain just friends. Last night though, I was feeling my loneliness rise with each drink. When Pete and Ryan came back with me and we continued to drink, I kept trying to convince them to sleepover. But it was for selfish reasons. I thought Pete might cuddle with me. I’m a terrible person. I’m super glad that didn’t happen so things can remain friendly between us and not get awkward. I don’t need anymore notches.
Today was spent in my pajamas on the couch. It was super nice. I feel embarrassed about last night too, but everyone makes mistakes and only my roomies could hear me in my misery, it’s not like I threw up in front of people. So I keep telling myself that next week is a fresh start. It’s gonna be an even better week than I just had. I promise to act a bit more refined.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Take a Load off!
January 16, 2009
My ex…the infamous one, who shall remain nameless, keeps trying to friend me on myspace. It’s breaking my heart all over again. He tried a few weeks ago and I denied his request. He just tried again today and attached a note, “Please friend me.” If he would just pick up a phone and call me, I might be apt to pick up. I’m not sure, but a phone call is more respectful than friending on myspace is. Especially when it’s someone you were in love with…supposedly.
I was his “dream girl”. He always told me before we ever dated and were just colleagues at college that he would tell his guy friends I was the one girl he’d want to be with if he could. He got his chance. It lasted just over a year. Could have lasted longer if he was just willing to keep it in his pants or at least come visit me. But no. He’s a man. Sadly, I’m learning that that’s more normal than not. It’s just ripping my heart to shreds and leaving me feeling so hopeless about ever finding someone to love; especially here in L.A.
Argh! I shouldn’t even write about this, it makes me want to cry right here and now in the middle of the library. I thought I was over being emotional about him. I thought I was just angry, but now I find myself missing him again. I don't know if its just loneliness making me miss him or if I truly desire his company. I can’t believe it’s been over a year since we’ve been together. Will I ever get over this?
I need proof. Proof that there are good men out there. Men who want a relationship and not just sex. I just counted and I realized I slept with 10 guys last year. Holy Shit. I never thought I’d be the kind of person that could claim such a thing. To some that might seem like a small number but to me, that’s about tripling in one year the number of people I’ve been with my whole life. That’s really disturbing. Thank goodness for celibacy. I feel really shameful about that. I’m almost speechless.
I’m almost done with my first month of singledom and now I know that this is going to be a very good thing for me this year. A cleanse of all the bad that was last year. Unfortunately, that’s why I can’t be friends with my ex. He destroyed my hope. I need to get it back. So, I have to do it without him.
Going to Pineapple tonight with Miguel and Lee and the roomies. I’m glad they’re up for hanging out all the time, I just hope I haven’t just turned myself into a constant fifth wheel, instead of just a third. I’m not sure which is worse…
My ex…the infamous one, who shall remain nameless, keeps trying to friend me on myspace. It’s breaking my heart all over again. He tried a few weeks ago and I denied his request. He just tried again today and attached a note, “Please friend me.” If he would just pick up a phone and call me, I might be apt to pick up. I’m not sure, but a phone call is more respectful than friending on myspace is. Especially when it’s someone you were in love with…supposedly.
I was his “dream girl”. He always told me before we ever dated and were just colleagues at college that he would tell his guy friends I was the one girl he’d want to be with if he could. He got his chance. It lasted just over a year. Could have lasted longer if he was just willing to keep it in his pants or at least come visit me. But no. He’s a man. Sadly, I’m learning that that’s more normal than not. It’s just ripping my heart to shreds and leaving me feeling so hopeless about ever finding someone to love; especially here in L.A.
Argh! I shouldn’t even write about this, it makes me want to cry right here and now in the middle of the library. I thought I was over being emotional about him. I thought I was just angry, but now I find myself missing him again. I don't know if its just loneliness making me miss him or if I truly desire his company. I can’t believe it’s been over a year since we’ve been together. Will I ever get over this?
I need proof. Proof that there are good men out there. Men who want a relationship and not just sex. I just counted and I realized I slept with 10 guys last year. Holy Shit. I never thought I’d be the kind of person that could claim such a thing. To some that might seem like a small number but to me, that’s about tripling in one year the number of people I’ve been with my whole life. That’s really disturbing. Thank goodness for celibacy. I feel really shameful about that. I’m almost speechless.
I’m almost done with my first month of singledom and now I know that this is going to be a very good thing for me this year. A cleanse of all the bad that was last year. Unfortunately, that’s why I can’t be friends with my ex. He destroyed my hope. I need to get it back. So, I have to do it without him.
Going to Pineapple tonight with Miguel and Lee and the roomies. I’m glad they’re up for hanging out all the time, I just hope I haven’t just turned myself into a constant fifth wheel, instead of just a third. I’m not sure which is worse…
Thursday, January 15, 2009
My Apology
January 15, 2009.
I apologize. I've missed two days of blogging and I swore to never do that! I've been unusually busy this past week (Thank God!) with work. And, it's been interesting! I worked on tuesday as audience and only spoke with girls. No men allowed! It was short and sweet, 4 to 6pm. Decided to go to wing night even though my roomies weren't going. Dressed for comfort, not for style. Lupe, one of my fave waiters there, greeted me at the door. We chatted and caught up on life a bit. He asked if I had a boyfriend (he's married), and I said, "Nope, still no boyfriend." And he said, "You're too cute to not have a boyfriend!" But then agreed that here in L.A. all they want is sex and no committment.
Nikki's boyfriend was hanging out at the bar, so we chatted a bit. He's british and has quite the crude sense of humour. I feel like I'm just "one of the guys" when I'm talking with him. Which is good, because I would never want Nikki to think I was flirting with him, but it's also bad, because he has no sensor. And I can get a little offended.
Sam was there...Haven't seen him since my oh-so-drunken night. I was kind of embarrassed to see him. We've talked since then, but I've been avoiding seeing him, though he's tried multiple times to hang out. I just feel awkward about some things that were said. I was stupid. Well, he was getting on my nerves, because he was teasing me and I just wasn't in the mood to be teased, even flirtatiously. I think he got the hint and didn't stay very long. He left me alone with my salad.
I went home and tried to go to bed as early as possible so I could get up in time for my 6am call on wednesday, which was in Ontario, CA. Which, is an hour drive from me. So, I think I managed to get about 3 hours of sleep. But, I got to work on time and in a good mood. I realized, I really do love my job.
Within 30min of being there I met Muhamed. He was very cute and very outgoing. We chatted while in line for wardrobe. Then he got pulled out of line to replace an actor that didn't show up, and we pretty much didn't see eachother for the remaining 13 hours on set. I was sort of okay with that, because I didn't want the awkward ending of the day, where he asks for my number and I have to explain I'm not dating, blah blah blah. That seems rather presumptious of me to think he's "naturally" going to ask for my number, but it happens a LOT on set. And I'm sure it happens to most girls, not just me. But it happens. Anyway, I spent the majority of the day avoiding talking to the guys on set. There were about 30 extras and only 8 of us women. It was a military scene. So major testosterone overload. I managed to chat with some of the ladies who were very fun. Then at the end of the night, the men started to get frisky.
One of them told me that there's no way I won't get recalled for this show because I'm so beautiful. Another one started a conversation with me about acting and told me that I was very attractive and perfect for acting. Then when we finally wrapped, my car battery was dead, so I had to get a jump. I approached three of the men in the parking lot and they all had cables. Then the one who had told me I was beautiful before, goes, "Wait, wait, wait! What does the guy get who jumps your car? Does he get to take you out on a date?" And I said, "No, he gets a very enthusiastic 'Thank you'"." Ughhghgkkk!!! Why are guys so pathetic? Then...I was trying to find the exit from the parking lot and I pulled over to a security guy and asked him if I was going the right way and he proceeds to tell me that he wishes I could stay there all night with him and I'm so pretty and "Do you have a boyfriend?"
What?? Are you really asking me if I have a boyfriend right now, sir?? So, I lied and said, "Yeah, I do!" Oh my goodness. First of all. I had been there for 14 hours. I looked like shit. I had fake sunburn make up all over my face. I was exhausted and it was dark. There's no way he could tell if I was attractive or not. He was just plain horny. Gross. I hate men.
However, I did learn that I really can't live without them. On my way home, I stopped off at Ralph's to get some wine. I wanted to get drunk. I took five minutes to go in and out of the store and when I came out, my car would not start, yet again. I walked home and told my roomies, but neither of them have jumpers so my car was stranded. I called Tony. He came to my rescue. He drove to my apt, picked me up, took me over to Ralphs, found someone to jump my car for me and followed me to autozone where I parked my car overnight so I could fix it in the morning. I really appreciate him. However, he was very condescending the entire time and kept undermining me. It made me feel really bad. And on the way back to my apt, I started crying.
Its times like these that I realize just how alone I really am. No one to hug and hold me and tell me everything is ok and reassure me that I'm not stupid and that I'm a capable woman and everything will work out. I have Tony who will help me with the physical things, but not the emotional. It's frusterating.
Bottom line is, and I'm sure I'll come to this conclusion more often then not, that I want a boyfriend. Someone to depend on. Someone I can call at all hours of the night and he'll be there for me. Someone to fall asleep next to.
Someday, I suppose. I have work all night tonight. But for now, I'm off to the park to work out. I'll update soon!
I apologize. I've missed two days of blogging and I swore to never do that! I've been unusually busy this past week (Thank God!) with work. And, it's been interesting! I worked on tuesday as audience and only spoke with girls. No men allowed! It was short and sweet, 4 to 6pm. Decided to go to wing night even though my roomies weren't going. Dressed for comfort, not for style. Lupe, one of my fave waiters there, greeted me at the door. We chatted and caught up on life a bit. He asked if I had a boyfriend (he's married), and I said, "Nope, still no boyfriend." And he said, "You're too cute to not have a boyfriend!" But then agreed that here in L.A. all they want is sex and no committment.
Nikki's boyfriend was hanging out at the bar, so we chatted a bit. He's british and has quite the crude sense of humour. I feel like I'm just "one of the guys" when I'm talking with him. Which is good, because I would never want Nikki to think I was flirting with him, but it's also bad, because he has no sensor. And I can get a little offended.
Sam was there...Haven't seen him since my oh-so-drunken night. I was kind of embarrassed to see him. We've talked since then, but I've been avoiding seeing him, though he's tried multiple times to hang out. I just feel awkward about some things that were said. I was stupid. Well, he was getting on my nerves, because he was teasing me and I just wasn't in the mood to be teased, even flirtatiously. I think he got the hint and didn't stay very long. He left me alone with my salad.
I went home and tried to go to bed as early as possible so I could get up in time for my 6am call on wednesday, which was in Ontario, CA. Which, is an hour drive from me. So, I think I managed to get about 3 hours of sleep. But, I got to work on time and in a good mood. I realized, I really do love my job.
Within 30min of being there I met Muhamed. He was very cute and very outgoing. We chatted while in line for wardrobe. Then he got pulled out of line to replace an actor that didn't show up, and we pretty much didn't see eachother for the remaining 13 hours on set. I was sort of okay with that, because I didn't want the awkward ending of the day, where he asks for my number and I have to explain I'm not dating, blah blah blah. That seems rather presumptious of me to think he's "naturally" going to ask for my number, but it happens a LOT on set. And I'm sure it happens to most girls, not just me. But it happens. Anyway, I spent the majority of the day avoiding talking to the guys on set. There were about 30 extras and only 8 of us women. It was a military scene. So major testosterone overload. I managed to chat with some of the ladies who were very fun. Then at the end of the night, the men started to get frisky.
One of them told me that there's no way I won't get recalled for this show because I'm so beautiful. Another one started a conversation with me about acting and told me that I was very attractive and perfect for acting. Then when we finally wrapped, my car battery was dead, so I had to get a jump. I approached three of the men in the parking lot and they all had cables. Then the one who had told me I was beautiful before, goes, "Wait, wait, wait! What does the guy get who jumps your car? Does he get to take you out on a date?" And I said, "No, he gets a very enthusiastic 'Thank you'"." Ughhghgkkk!!! Why are guys so pathetic? Then...I was trying to find the exit from the parking lot and I pulled over to a security guy and asked him if I was going the right way and he proceeds to tell me that he wishes I could stay there all night with him and I'm so pretty and "Do you have a boyfriend?"
What?? Are you really asking me if I have a boyfriend right now, sir?? So, I lied and said, "Yeah, I do!" Oh my goodness. First of all. I had been there for 14 hours. I looked like shit. I had fake sunburn make up all over my face. I was exhausted and it was dark. There's no way he could tell if I was attractive or not. He was just plain horny. Gross. I hate men.
However, I did learn that I really can't live without them. On my way home, I stopped off at Ralph's to get some wine. I wanted to get drunk. I took five minutes to go in and out of the store and when I came out, my car would not start, yet again. I walked home and told my roomies, but neither of them have jumpers so my car was stranded. I called Tony. He came to my rescue. He drove to my apt, picked me up, took me over to Ralphs, found someone to jump my car for me and followed me to autozone where I parked my car overnight so I could fix it in the morning. I really appreciate him. However, he was very condescending the entire time and kept undermining me. It made me feel really bad. And on the way back to my apt, I started crying.
Its times like these that I realize just how alone I really am. No one to hug and hold me and tell me everything is ok and reassure me that I'm not stupid and that I'm a capable woman and everything will work out. I have Tony who will help me with the physical things, but not the emotional. It's frusterating.
Bottom line is, and I'm sure I'll come to this conclusion more often then not, that I want a boyfriend. Someone to depend on. Someone I can call at all hours of the night and he'll be there for me. Someone to fall asleep next to.
Someday, I suppose. I have work all night tonight. But for now, I'm off to the park to work out. I'll update soon!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Coffee Jitters
January 12, 2009.
As I entered my favorite coffee shop, I over heard the boy at his laptop saying to his friend, "I just want a cute girl I can watch horror movies with, is that too much to ask?" I think it is too much to ask here in L.A. I just want a cute guy I can cuddle with, go out to coffee with, go to the beach with, go running with. Is that too much to ask?
Went to extra work this morning, met a few people, but I think I'm learning how not to attract guys. Be completely uninterested, immerse yourself in a book or magazine, don't laugh at their jokes and rarely smile in their direction. I still manage to make friends, but it's just that...friends and not lovers. I like it. It's a feeling of power.
I really do want a boyfriend though. I just need a friend, really. It's so hard in L.A. to be alone, all the time. I'm finding though that I'm enjoying my roommates more. Recently they've come out of their couple shell and they feel more like friends to me then they have all year. It's nice. Last night when I got home, we just sat and chatted, no tv, no video, just the three of us sharing stories with one another.
Well, I think unfortunately, tonight is going to be an eventless evening. I have some shopping at Target and then perhaps I'll go catch a movie, by myself. Nice. I'll update later if anything super exciting is to occur!
Ba-donk-a-donk
January 11, 2009.
Meant to go to church this morning with Margaret. Woke up with every intention to, was getting ready, then we just sort of ran out of time. We decided to take a walk down to Starbucks and chat over coffee. Today was absolutely beautiful outside, perfect day for a stroll!
Felt like (maybe I’m just being narcissistic) lots of guys were checking us out at Starbucks today. Maybe it’s cuz I spent that little extra time on myself for the music video I had to go to later. I don’t know, but I kind of felt like a movie star.
Had to be in Pasadena by 1pm to start work on a Country Music Video I got cast in. I was running 20 min late and got there only to discover that it was only the director, my co-star and a camera. Lasted longer than we thought, so I had to miss Improv this evening. Which, I feel really guilty about and have decided for at least the next two months I will no longer schedule anything on Sundays to ensure that I make it to Detour.
My co-star was quite adorable and quite tall. I believe he was 6’7”. I’m only 5’2”, so it’s quite the contrast! He’s 24 and has been out in LA for two years. He was sweet, but I found myself having no interest in making idle chit chat. I was kind of socialized out. Lots of silent moments. However, while waiting for the lighting to be perfected and the camera angle to be figured out, I did find myself wondering what it would be like to sleep with someone that tall. Awkward, I would imagine. You could never kiss while making love. I would hate that! I need to be kissed!
My mind wanders to that a lot. Sex. I wonder if everyone thinks about it as much as I do or if I’m weird. I don’t think about it in the aspect of, “Ooh I wish I were having sex right now….” Or “I’d like to have sex with that!” I just find myself generally curious about the guys I meet and what they must be like in bed. Is that normal?
Well, neither my director or co-star mentioned my ring today. But, like I said, none of us were in a very chatty mood, so maybe they noticed, but just weren’t interested in finding out. Hmm…extra work tomorrow. Might be working with Neil and Miguel again, which would be nice, but I do kind of hope I have lots of time to myself. I’d like to read/write and contemplate things for a bit. We shall see!
Meant to go to church this morning with Margaret. Woke up with every intention to, was getting ready, then we just sort of ran out of time. We decided to take a walk down to Starbucks and chat over coffee. Today was absolutely beautiful outside, perfect day for a stroll!
Felt like (maybe I’m just being narcissistic) lots of guys were checking us out at Starbucks today. Maybe it’s cuz I spent that little extra time on myself for the music video I had to go to later. I don’t know, but I kind of felt like a movie star.
Had to be in Pasadena by 1pm to start work on a Country Music Video I got cast in. I was running 20 min late and got there only to discover that it was only the director, my co-star and a camera. Lasted longer than we thought, so I had to miss Improv this evening. Which, I feel really guilty about and have decided for at least the next two months I will no longer schedule anything on Sundays to ensure that I make it to Detour.
My co-star was quite adorable and quite tall. I believe he was 6’7”. I’m only 5’2”, so it’s quite the contrast! He’s 24 and has been out in LA for two years. He was sweet, but I found myself having no interest in making idle chit chat. I was kind of socialized out. Lots of silent moments. However, while waiting for the lighting to be perfected and the camera angle to be figured out, I did find myself wondering what it would be like to sleep with someone that tall. Awkward, I would imagine. You could never kiss while making love. I would hate that! I need to be kissed!
My mind wanders to that a lot. Sex. I wonder if everyone thinks about it as much as I do or if I’m weird. I don’t think about it in the aspect of, “Ooh I wish I were having sex right now….” Or “I’d like to have sex with that!” I just find myself generally curious about the guys I meet and what they must be like in bed. Is that normal?
Well, neither my director or co-star mentioned my ring today. But, like I said, none of us were in a very chatty mood, so maybe they noticed, but just weren’t interested in finding out. Hmm…extra work tomorrow. Might be working with Neil and Miguel again, which would be nice, but I do kind of hope I have lots of time to myself. I’d like to read/write and contemplate things for a bit. We shall see!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Home at last...
January 10, 2009
What a great day! Got booked for Monday on ‘Samantha Who’ with my car, so went to get a car wash before my audition for a short film. My audition went fairly well, so I thought. Deiter, the director was absolutely adorable and I’m sure would be a blast to work with. I find out next week. Bought lovely new sheets for my bed…wish I had someone to share them with.
Heard from Will, my crush who lives in Florida. Met him when I was working catering this summer. He’s absolutely adorable and everything I want in a boyfriend. If only he lived here. But he calls me when he’s sad or bored. I enjoy that. Margaret pointed out that I’m, “building a foundation, rather than just sleeping with him.” This is true, and makes me happy.
Then Miguel and his wife Lee came over for game night. It was so nice to have guests at our house. We actually spent the majority of the evening talking instead of playing games. We enjoyed lots of munchies and wine smoothies. Played a round of ‘Apples to Apples’ and returned to some good old-fashioned conversation. Lee is very cute and sweet. I liked her a lot and I’m glad because it gives me hope about the two of them. They seem good together. Neil came over late as well. He’s a genuinely nice guy and I’m glad he joined us for a bit. It was just such a pleasant night. It’s the first time I truly felt at home here since we moved into this apartment. It felt like my place, my friends, and my party. I am very satisfied right now.
Lee mentioned my ring and noted that for her, she only has her engagement ring and no wedding ring (even though they’re married), so guys still try to pick her up saying, “Well, it’s not official yet!” I don’t know, I think it works for me in the aspect that it gives my lie a little credibility and makes it easier for me to say no because I look at my hand and start to believe the lie myself. She told me we have to go out together so she can teach me how to be “bitchier”.
Turned down a date with Anthony and a date with Sam tonight. Not because I didn’t want to hang out with them, but because I was entertaining guests! I think I may have offended them both a bit. The way I turned each down was kind of short and lacking a good excuse. Would have invited Sam over tonight to play games and mingle, but I know him, he would’ve gotten extremely drunk because he would assume that he was sleeping over. I didn’t want to have to tell him no.
I feel a little bit stronger each day. I’m so focused on my work now and leave little time for men. I can’t wait to see who I become by the end of the year. This is the year of change and I couldn’t be happier with it!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Wine and Dine and Everything's fine!
January 9, 2009.
Ran. Ran errands. Drank wine. I desperately want to go out tonight, but once again, have no one to go out with! Like I said, I was supposed to go to the Edison with Sam, but he text me about an hour ago, letting me know that he’ll be working all night, so he’s unable to go. Boo…I didn’t really want to travel all the way to Downtown L.A., but it was a possibility of being social.
Checked guys out today…just kept noticing them everywhere I went. “Ooh, he’s adorable!” Think I’m anxious for some lovin’.
I want to go out in a group tonight. No pressure there. You can just all hang out and have a good time and it’s not like anyone’s looking to hook up with anyone else in the group (or at least not making it obvious).
I have a total crush on one of my roommate’s friends. He’s hot, in a band and from Boston. We hung out one night (like two months ago) and just totally hit it off (or at least I hit it off with him). But he’s getting over some serious relationship stuff, as am I. I made a point of it not to exchange numbers with him when we hung out. He’s Nate’s friend and I didn’t want it to become the dating game between us. But, I haven’t stopped liking him since that night and I wish now that I had his number because I want a drinking buddy…that he is very good for. Him and his roommate would be the ideal guys to hang out with tonight. I NEED FRIENDS!
Is it super weird for me to go to a bar by myself tonight? I always think, “It’s not weird if there’s a band” or live music of some kind. Because then you have a reason for being there and something to do rather than stare at your drink, wishing it could talk.
Hmm…I need to create a singles bar. Where you’re only allowed to go if you are going out alone. I’m talking even no girlfriends are allowed to accompany you. If you’re a single person and need a place to go on a night when all your friends are working or no one’s interested in being social. Come to “SinglesOnly”! The only bar where absolutely no one knows eachother! Or would that just turn out to be super creepy?
Ok, I’m writing with two glasses of plum wine in me…so I may not be making total sense, but I’m having a hell of a time doing it!
So here are my single woman options tonight:
A. Get drunk at home…most likely by myself since my roommates are lamo’s
B. Go to a bar by myself…risk obnoxious conversation from a guy I’m totally not interested, but potentially gain a lot of info for this blog.
C. Call one of the many guys I’ve slept with, but am currently on “friends without benefits” plan with right now. Risk having an awkward convo about why we’re not having sex tonight.
D. Go out with Tony. Have him watch while I drink. (He’s 2 yrs sober)
E. Go to sleep now at 7pm and dream about having a social life.
Great goodness my life is pathetic! But! I’m still having…THE BEST YEAR EVER!
Just got home from sort of doing option D. and before that I sort of did option E. So it’s been a pretty good night. I fell asleep after blogging earlier. Wine makes me sleepy…when I woke up, Tony actually called me. Haven’t seen him since the 1st and have been trying not to be the one that calls him, again. So, I was happy to hear from him. He asked me to join him at his favorite sushi place in Hollywood. We actually were there about the same time last January together. We went out the night after we met, hung out with his best friend, he kept saying, “Doesn’t she look like a mini Kate Hudson?” and we sat at a table next to Jack Osbourne, Cody something, some lead singer in a band and Malcolm in the Middle. (As you can see, I’m terrible with names). But last year I was totally star struck, it being barely my third month in town.
Well, to be nostalgic tonight we ran into Cody. Tony knows him (I think from AA). And go figure, Cody was at the same table with Jack Osbourne and that same musician. I think they have a tradition. Perhaps Tony and I do too. How strange that we would go out at the same time each year!
We had sushi, it was delicious, and Tony actually picked up the check. It’s been awhile because he’s been unemployed, so I don’t blame him. I completely understand. It was nice. He’s got a new job and I told him all the exciting stuff that’s been going on with my career. He’s also an actor, I don’t know if I mentioned that. Then we headed back to his place. I informed him, however, that I would not be sleeping over. And after we started cuddling he started trying to get me in the mood, which honestly, I always am with him and I don’t know why I haven’t shaken it yet. But I informed him we would not be having sex and all of my clothes remained on. I know…way to go, slut! Ha, ok maybe I’m being harsh on myself, but you know, baby steps.
I realized the thing with Tony is that I truly do enjoy spending time with him. He can be a really great friend to have around. But he gives so little of himself. And I don’t think it’s that he’s selfish, I think it’s that he’s been hurt in the past and chooses to shut people out and barely let them in so that it doesn’t happen again. I just wish his nice, sweet side would come out more often! It’s so rare.
One time last year we were laying together in the buff and he was holding me close and he said, “Breathe with me”. He wanted me to sync our breathing patterns. I don’t know, I thought it was pretty romantic. I think he was trying so hard to connect with another human being he felt as if the only way to truly do it was to share one breath.
I hate that I know he’s in there, but will probably never live to see the day that nice sweet compassionate Tony comes out!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Closed off from Love
January 8, 2009.
Wow. So much to say about today. Got booked on an extra gig for today. Was working “Kath & Kim”. Big crowd scene. Arrived at 7:15am and ran into Miguel. I worked with him a few weeks ago, before I went home for the holidays. Sweet kid. 22yrs old and already married…hmmm.
We spent the entire day chatting. He remembered the ring. He noticed it last time, because he was talking about being married and then asked, “Well, what about you?” motioning to the ring (I had been wearing it on my left hand already). I couldn’t lie and after discovering he was married, felt quite safe to tell the truth about the ring. We also were chatting with Neil, another extra he knew from other sets and I had just met. Neil mentioned the ring and Miguel blew up my spot! He called me out and said, “Oh yeah, you’re one of those girls!” They both teased me about it quite a bit.
I just reassured them, “If only you knew what I went through with dating last year…” They prodded and teased and kept repeating, “You’re closed off to love!” (Jokingly of course).
They learned that I tend to date sensitive guys and yes, it is because I’m quite a strong willed woman, leaning toward feminism, but not quite that radical, I just like my independence. They of course started in on that and we talked about how two stubborn people just wouldn’t work. It made me think of Tony…the guy I dated for two weeks straight last January and broke up with because he was too stubborn to admit he was wrong and I was too stubborn to accept his non-apology. Two “stubborns” don’t make a right.
Then Miguel laughed and said, “I think she’s looking for a guy who knows exactly what he wants and won’t take shit from no one.” I think you are right on the money Miguel…so where are all those guys?
And is it so bad that I like to wear the pants in the relationship? Perhaps that’s always been the reason I leave the man first. Even when I’m still in love. Because I have the balls to make that decision. Oy…I’m sounding like such a hard ass. I hope no guys are reading this and getting totally turned off right now.
All I’m saying is that I like to be treated equal. I don’t like to be treated gently as if I’m fragile and will break if I open a door myself. I just want you to acknowledge that I’m capable of doing everything you can do and also be able to admit when I can do it better. Is that too much to ask?
I don’t like to need a relationship, but I’d like to want one. And I do want one. I want one with a guy who’s my best friend and can make me laugh. Who understands when I need space or girl time away from him. Who’s not threatened by the fact that most of my friends are male. Who understands that if I were going to cheat, I just would never have gotten in a relationship in the first place. Who knows that I don’t like to be cared for as if I was a child, but do need to be looked after when I’m blue or feeling ill. Where is this guy?? Does he really not exist??
Sam called tonight. Invited me to go out to a bar downtown with him tomorrow night. He makes me smile. Why am I so afraid of being close with him?
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Singing Pornstars...
January 7, 2009.
2:00am.
I think the ring has an adverse effect on guys that already know me.
Went to "pornstar karaoke" tonight with some ex coworkers of mine. Had a good time. Nikki and I dressed like pornstars…we were the only ones that got that memo. I ran into Brad from Improv, he didn’t recognize me at first with my porno get-up. Someone compared me to that girl from Big Love…ugh, I hate that! Sure, she’s a successful actress already and she’s years younger than me, but I’m prettier than that, right??
Well, to get to the point, one of my ex coworkers, Mike, was getting on my nerves. The story starts back in May sometime when we got drunk and made out…all night long. I realized after that I had no interested in pursuing him any further. I get drunk, I get affectionate, what can I say? However, he felt like pursuing me further. So a week or so later we went for drinks again. Only I stuck to one drink only and he got pretty buzzed. We decided to head out and he expected to hook up again. I politely turned down his offer, "Thanks, but I’m tired, I really need my sleep tonight." He begged and pleaded and reminded me of what "a good time we had last time…" That’s what he thinks! So I stuck with my original, thanks, but no thanks. He got quite offended. I think he even left pouting.
Now, being a sensible person, I would think that that would be the end of it. Well, tonight, Mike got extremely drunk and I stuck with my one beer only policy. He flirted and touched and danced. I tried hard to be polite and remember, "he’s just drunk." But, I know now that it’s more than him just being drunk. He started in on the ring. Laughing at it, saying it’s ridiculous, blah blah blah. Then with his next beer came the next level. Jokingly explaining to me how hurt he really is. Or maybe he was just being an ass. Here’s his routine:
"You know, I only hooked up with 5 girls last year, but you’re the only one I really cared about. (Pause) No wait, it was 8. One, lasted three months…she got clingy. But you know, whatever, it was a nice June 22. (Pause for creepy effect) Just kidding, I don’t remember exactly when it was, but you know, we had fun!"
Um…is he really still talking about that one night I was drunk and let him sleep over and we made out a little? Oh my goodness. Get over it! They say guys move on quicker than girls do. Is that really true? I think not.
Wearing the ring tonight was nice. I talked flirtatiously to a guy but kept in mind that if it in fact advanced, and the exchanging of numbers was to be mentioned, I would kindly say "no thanks". It felt nice to have that power. Also, it felt nice to know that I wouldn’t be bringing home another mistake like Mike, who would just keep rehashing one night every time we saw one another.
I need to find more activities to keep myself busy. Coming home to an empty bed every night might make me go insane. So, I’ll just keep extremely active so that I fall right asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow each and every night.
I know Mr. Right’s out there. At least I’m hoping he is. I’m willing to wait, I just hope I don’t have to wait too long. I’ve decided, as another "rule" for myself is to not make this ring thing keep me from finding Mr. Right. Going on dates is acceptable, however, no sleepovers, and no makeout sessions. That way I can still meet guys, figure out if I enjoy their company and then have no regrets and no more notches on my bedpost. I like giving myself that little bit of freedom.
I better get busy…quick!
9:44pm and ready for bed.
So I totally had intentions of being social this evening. I was driving home from my audition when I received a text from Anthony. I met him from a film we both worked on as extras about a month ago. He liked me immediately. I tried to be completely clear in the fact that I was not/am not looking for a relationship right now.
Anywho, we’ve hung out a few times and since then I’ve been scarce in his life due to holidays and the fact that I feel like I’m only leading him on by accepting his invitations. Well, he texts me tonight telling me that he was having a party at his place, “8ish”. I strongly considered going. I came home, made myself a lovely gnocchi dinner and had some plum wine. I was feeling sociable. Then the phone rang and I got a job for tomorrow. I’m working “Kath and Kim” as a spectator at a Roller Derby at 5:30am. No way am I hanging out tonight. It’s not even ten yet and I’m in p.j.’s, teeth brushed, face washed, contacts out and ready for as close to eight hours of sleep as possible.
I’m a true professional! Well, tomorrow is sure to bring about some adventures, so I’ll update manana!
Sweet Dreams of Prince Charming and world where you don’t need him!
2:00am.
I think the ring has an adverse effect on guys that already know me.
Went to "pornstar karaoke" tonight with some ex coworkers of mine. Had a good time. Nikki and I dressed like pornstars…we were the only ones that got that memo. I ran into Brad from Improv, he didn’t recognize me at first with my porno get-up. Someone compared me to that girl from Big Love…ugh, I hate that! Sure, she’s a successful actress already and she’s years younger than me, but I’m prettier than that, right??
Well, to get to the point, one of my ex coworkers, Mike, was getting on my nerves. The story starts back in May sometime when we got drunk and made out…all night long. I realized after that I had no interested in pursuing him any further. I get drunk, I get affectionate, what can I say? However, he felt like pursuing me further. So a week or so later we went for drinks again. Only I stuck to one drink only and he got pretty buzzed. We decided to head out and he expected to hook up again. I politely turned down his offer, "Thanks, but I’m tired, I really need my sleep tonight." He begged and pleaded and reminded me of what "a good time we had last time…" That’s what he thinks! So I stuck with my original, thanks, but no thanks. He got quite offended. I think he even left pouting.
Now, being a sensible person, I would think that that would be the end of it. Well, tonight, Mike got extremely drunk and I stuck with my one beer only policy. He flirted and touched and danced. I tried hard to be polite and remember, "he’s just drunk." But, I know now that it’s more than him just being drunk. He started in on the ring. Laughing at it, saying it’s ridiculous, blah blah blah. Then with his next beer came the next level. Jokingly explaining to me how hurt he really is. Or maybe he was just being an ass. Here’s his routine:
"You know, I only hooked up with 5 girls last year, but you’re the only one I really cared about. (Pause) No wait, it was 8. One, lasted three months…she got clingy. But you know, whatever, it was a nice June 22. (Pause for creepy effect) Just kidding, I don’t remember exactly when it was, but you know, we had fun!"
Um…is he really still talking about that one night I was drunk and let him sleep over and we made out a little? Oh my goodness. Get over it! They say guys move on quicker than girls do. Is that really true? I think not.
Wearing the ring tonight was nice. I talked flirtatiously to a guy but kept in mind that if it in fact advanced, and the exchanging of numbers was to be mentioned, I would kindly say "no thanks". It felt nice to have that power. Also, it felt nice to know that I wouldn’t be bringing home another mistake like Mike, who would just keep rehashing one night every time we saw one another.
I need to find more activities to keep myself busy. Coming home to an empty bed every night might make me go insane. So, I’ll just keep extremely active so that I fall right asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow each and every night.
I know Mr. Right’s out there. At least I’m hoping he is. I’m willing to wait, I just hope I don’t have to wait too long. I’ve decided, as another "rule" for myself is to not make this ring thing keep me from finding Mr. Right. Going on dates is acceptable, however, no sleepovers, and no makeout sessions. That way I can still meet guys, figure out if I enjoy their company and then have no regrets and no more notches on my bedpost. I like giving myself that little bit of freedom.
I better get busy…quick!
9:44pm and ready for bed.
So I totally had intentions of being social this evening. I was driving home from my audition when I received a text from Anthony. I met him from a film we both worked on as extras about a month ago. He liked me immediately. I tried to be completely clear in the fact that I was not/am not looking for a relationship right now.
Anywho, we’ve hung out a few times and since then I’ve been scarce in his life due to holidays and the fact that I feel like I’m only leading him on by accepting his invitations. Well, he texts me tonight telling me that he was having a party at his place, “8ish”. I strongly considered going. I came home, made myself a lovely gnocchi dinner and had some plum wine. I was feeling sociable. Then the phone rang and I got a job for tomorrow. I’m working “Kath and Kim” as a spectator at a Roller Derby at 5:30am. No way am I hanging out tonight. It’s not even ten yet and I’m in p.j.’s, teeth brushed, face washed, contacts out and ready for as close to eight hours of sleep as possible.
I’m a true professional! Well, tomorrow is sure to bring about some adventures, so I’ll update manana!
Sweet Dreams of Prince Charming and world where you don’t need him!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Everyone makes Mistakes
January 6, 2009.
I cheated last night. I mean I still abstained from sex…but I let myself make out and get sort of nakey and cuddle all night with my friend Sam.
It started like it always starts. We meet at a bar for drinks to catch up cuz we haven’t seen one another for a bit. We get drunk and giddy and kiss…then we make out for a bit and before we know it, we’re sleeping next to one another.
The thing about Sam is I’m so comfortable around him. He noticed the ring about halfway through our night and I told him the deal with it. I explained how it’s supposed to help me sort out my emotions and not complicate things with sex and boys. I also told him that I’m blogging about it, because it’s sort of a social experiment as well. To which he responded, "Well, just don’t tell me the name of the blog, write about me, change my name, just don’t let me read it."
I’m still plenty confused about that boy though. We’ve been friends for a year now. We became more than friends sometime last April. Not sure how or why it happened, but it did. I know drinks were involved. Here in lies my second vice: Alcohol. Not that I’m an alcoholic, I can go weeks without desiring a drink, but when I do drink, I become more open to opportunities that present themselves. Less likely to say "no", which is what I need to learn to do!
So I unloaded a bunch of emotional garbage on him at the bar and told him that I’m always confused about him because I have so many feelings toward him, ranging from sisterly love to passionate love. (I didn’t use the word love in the conversation; that would’ve sounded way too creepy). But at the same time he sends me mixed signals, like after spending the night, I may not hear from him for weeks. "Just like every other guy."
He admitted that he’s always felt strongly for me, but thought I wanted the distance from him. Which isn’t entirely untrue. I tried to distance myself from most guys last year, so that I wouldn’t get hurt again.
He respects what I’m doing with the ring. I, now that I think back, stupidly, invited him to sleepover. I flatly said, "I’d like for you to spend the night, we won’t be having sex, but it would be nice to cuddle and kiss you for a bit." I should note, he is an amazing kisser…great lips, lots of passion.
So he accepted my invite and respected my no sex policy. It was nice to have a body against mine.
I started dreaming about us lying there and he was saying, "So what do we call eachother? Are we like, boyfriend, girlfriend?" And I just giggled and kissed him to make him shut up. Because I knew that’s not what I wanted. When I woke up this morning I was so glad that was a dream…at least I hope it was a dream.
I fucked up.
Going out tonight. Maybe I’ll be the DD and stick to soda. I don’t want to repeat last night.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Definitions
January 5, 2009
I looked up the definition of "abstinent" today :
abstinent \AB-stuh-nuhnt\, adjective:abstaining, especially from self-indulgence
Now the sentences they use to better describe the word are always pertaining to sex, however, the definition says nothing about sex. How strange that our society just automatically associates being self-indulgent with having sex.
Total side note...I went to dictionary.com to look up a few definitions and I just realized, I didn't actually look up "abstinent", it was on the first page of the site as the "Word of the Day". How crazy coincidental is that? It's a sign...I totally believe in signs.
So what exactly is self-indulgence?
self-in⋅dul⋅gent [self-in-duhl-juhnt, self-] adjective - 1. indulging one's own desires, passions, whims, etc., esp. without restraint.
Hmm...have I done that in the past year? Yup, way too many times. This is something I definitely need to work on. This will be a good test of my will power and self restraint.
I've spent approximately 5 hours in the coffee shop today, well ok, maybe it's really only been 3, but it feel like 5 and my eyes are getting blurry from staring at the computer screen. Tonight, I sense will be another "old maid" evening which consists of me sitting in front of the t.v. knitting, while my lovey dovey roommates cuddle across the room. Gross. I need a social life, without men, without roommates.
Tomorrow night Nikki has decided that she'd like to reschedule our rendezvous so that we can join some of (my ex) her current coworkers out at Porn Star Karaoke night. Sounds like an exhilarting time. We've all decided to make it even more fun and dress like porn stars for the evening...should make for an interesting blog. I've never flirted with a porn star before! I have a feeling it won't be hard to practice restraint in such a situation.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Church + Improv = Happiness?
January 4, 2009.
Let’s see…what to say about today. Well, woke up early enough to join Margaret at church. Something we’re trying out this year. Church was good. It was a sermon about being a better Christian and the tools you need to succeed.
The last time we went to this church I moved the ring back to my right hand. It just didn’t seem right having a false presentation of myself. And the way I saw it was, it’s not like guys are going to be picking you up in church, so there’s really no threat to being single here. However, this time I kept it on my left. I think I’m gonna try to never move it over, just so I get used to it and almost forget it’s even there.
Now, even though I’m in a house of God, I can’t help but think about the men around me. It’s just interesting. I find Christian men rather intimidating. I grew up surrounded by Christian men and they just always seemed so much stricter than others did. My father was a Christian man, but he was also a rather cheerful and humorous person. He did have quite the anger within him though. I think I associate wrath with men of faith as well. Which is sort of ironic.
But every time I go to church or am in a situation where there are religious men my age, I can’t help but think, "This is who I don’t want to marry". Sounds backward, but it’s true.
But every time I go to church or am in a situation where there are religious men my age, I can’t help but think, "This is who I don’t want to marry". Sounds backward, but it’s true.
Went to improv tonight. Small group this evening, only four of us. Three girls and one guy. Now, I know I seem to have my focus on men, but that’s the whole point of this blog. To study men, while at the same time warding them off with my ring of abstinence!
Right when I got there we started talking about holidays and family. I brought up an argument that I had recently with my sister. Which in turn led to a discussion on marriage. I discovered that Brad, the only male improviser this evening, finds that dating a girl for three years should be the defining moment. "After three years you know if you want to marry them or not." I agree, but I think even sooner, you’d probably be able to tell. I think within the first year you know whether there is long term potential or not. Then you decide to stick with it and when you feel the timing is right, you take the next step.
Right when I got there we started talking about holidays and family. I brought up an argument that I had recently with my sister. Which in turn led to a discussion on marriage. I discovered that Brad, the only male improviser this evening, finds that dating a girl for three years should be the defining moment. "After three years you know if you want to marry them or not." I agree, but I think even sooner, you’d probably be able to tell. I think within the first year you know whether there is long term potential or not. Then you decide to stick with it and when you feel the timing is right, you take the next step.
I’m still undecided about marriage myself. Every time I think about it I just don’t see the point. But instinctually I always catch myself thinking, "Well, when I get married…" or "The guy I’m going to marry…"
The "ex" tried to friend me on myspace today. I immediately denied the request. May seem childish but I have to keep him out of my life in order to separate myself fully from that moment in my past. It just made me angry. I really, honestly saw myself marrying him. It just felt good. And here he is without the balls to pick up a phone and call me, so he simply friend requests me on myspace. Why are guys such pussy’s?? Argh! It’s been bothering me all day, even though I told myself I wouldn’t let it.
Well, I apologize that this weekend has been fairly uneventful and uninformative. I’m trying to set up plans next week to be much more social. Going out on Wednesday with my girlfriend Nikki. She always attracts attention (she’s a model, literally), so in turn I get the run off. Should be fun! This week better prove to make me stronger than I feel at this moment or it’s gonna be one LONG year!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Sleeping alone is cold
January 3, 2009.
I was trying to get to sleep last night and I was freezing!! I just thought how nice it would be to have a warm body next to me. I wouldn't have to wear my sweatshirt to bed. I could sleep naked and still be warm. I miss that feeling.
Went for a run this morning and couldn't help but notice every guy I ran by. "He's dressed kinda hip and dorky, bet I'd have a crush on him." "Wow, a cute dog and a cute owner..." "I hope he doesn't notice just how red my face is becoming from this run." Why? Why do I care about any of that while I'm running? I hate it. I want to just be me, in my own little world, not worrying about the people around me.
Margaret (my roommate) and I are meeting people for drinks later tonight. It's sort of a networking event. We're meeting with a director she's worked with in the past to discuss an upcoming movie he's working on. Pretty exciting. I think I've met most of the people we'll be seeing tonight and they all have seen me with my ring already. So, it's not gonna be a surprise to them or anything new. They're reactions last time were extremely varied, from "Congrats" to "Well, when you decide to take off that ring..." and handing me a business card. It'll be interesting to see what happens this evening.
It is also Saturday night, so the opportunities are endless!
I'll update soon!
11pm.
Tonight I’m lonely. I live with a couple, so being single is especially hard. It’s not like living with two roommates, it’s like constantly being a third wheel. No one’s idea of fun.
Tonight we watched "Nacho Libre". They cuddled on the couch and I got the love seat, in which I spent the time with my needles and yarn, knitting a scarf…just because I need to keep myself occupied at all times so I don’t get caught up in lonely thoughts.
Margaret and I went to drinks at 5 30 like planned. It went well. We’ve been invited to be part of a cast of an upcoming film. We’re both honored and very excited. I felt very uncomfortable in my own skin tonight though. Very out of place. As if, I’ve worked so hard to get where I am today, career wise, life wise. I’ve left so much behind…family, comfort, love. And none of that even matters because here I sit with people I only know from a one time meeting at a party I went to as Margaret’s + 1 and they’re offering me an incredible opportunity. Now, I’m as happy as can be, and don’t want to seem as if I’m complaining at all, because I’m not. But a little part of me feels extremely defeated.
When Margaret and I were walking back to the car she said, "Wouldn’t it be great if I could make in this field without ever having to audition?" And all I could think was, "No, it would be totally unfair!" I’ve gone on so many auditions since being here while she’s done nothing for her career, it would be like one more slap in my face.
I don’t have a boyfriend. Whack. The man who wanted to marry me wasn’t willing to move across the country for me, like her bf did. Whack, whack. I’ve actually worked to be where I am today and she just stumbled across this opportunity. Whack, whack, whack.
Ok, I’m riding the bitter bus. I apologize. This happens when I come home to an empty bed at night. It happens when I have no one to call and tell about my day or the exciting things that are happening in my heart, my soul. It happens whenever I’m alone.
It’ll probably happen a lot this year. But I will try oh so desperately to avoid it at all cost and become a happier person.
Church and Improv tomorrow…maybe that’ll be the key to my happiness.
Day Two and going strong
I was unable to get an internet connection in my apartment last night, unfortunately, but wrote this anyway so that I could post it today. Better late than never, right?
January 2, 2009
Second day of the year and I feel fantastic! I got my eight hours of sleep like I resolved to do. Got up at a reasonable hour. Checked my email, found out I had an audition this evening. Worked out for a bit (thank you Wii Fit for teaching me such an awesome workout). Then ran a few errands before heading out to my 6 o’clock audition.
I didn’t have many interactions with the male species today, but one thing I do notice about my ring is that it gives me quite an empowered feeling. When I get up, I have no one to impress. When I go to the store, I have no one to impress. When I work out, I’m doing it completely for myself and no one else. It’s wonderfully freeing!
So I went to my audition this evening feeling happy, confident and extremely nervous. It was for a role in a feature horror film. Seemingly perfect for me since last January I was off in Chicago filming a horror movie. I presented myself and I acted my heart out. I seduced, I screamed, I was horrified. Then the director asked me to improvise the seduction scene once again, only this time the reader (a rather adorable man with a scruffy beard and uncombed hair) was to be on camera with me. The director placed him in a chair and told me to move from behind him and "maybe sit on his lap". So I seduced this adorable scruffy man. It wasn’t hard at all to "pretend" to be attracted to him. God, I love acting!
Now here’s my dilemma…I tell myself that I’m spending a year wearing this ring in order to prove to myself I can survive without a man. But at the first sight of a potential conquest I can’t help but think about relationship stuff. How nice it would be to hit it off with this boy and go to movies and have sleepovers and long walks on the beach, blah, blah, barf.
How is it that society or I suppose human nature has made it impossible for a person to live without the hope of living along side someone else?? It baffles me that in this day in age, our most primal instinct is to find a mate.
On the drive home I reminded myself that "I am engaged", untouchable by the male species for the next 12 months. I still smile at the thought of this. I threw out a love letter from my ex today. I’ve never done that before, and to be honest, I’ll probably take it out of the trash before it’s permanent. But for now, it felt rather refreshing and I can’t wait to celebrate 12 months of not talking to him; he who broke my heart. The bastard. He’s not worth my thoughts, so this will be the last time I mention him, unless I need to mention something from the past in order for you, the reader, to better understand a current situation.
Ahh…day two, come and gone and just as satisfying as day one. I still remain positive and hopeful for this upcoming year...
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A new year, a new me
January 1, 2009.
I’m beginning this blog today to document my year of singledom. My year of being completely alone. My year of self-discovery. My year of my fake engagement ring.
I guess I should start by telling you a little bit about myself. I’m a 24 year old female, living in the city of Angels, Los Angeles and trying to make it as an actress. Yes, I’m struggling. But it’s well worth it. I’ve only lived in L.A. for 14 months and am still learning the rules of the biz as well as the rules of the dating game, which is on a completely different level out here than it is anywhere else in the U.S.
I’ve decided that I’m taking this year to work on my career and work on myself. I’m in the process of mending a broken heart and at the same time trying not to sell myself short and date the slimeballs that live in this city, just because it’s convenient. Been there, done that too much and so over it.
I should tell you that I’m also horrible at saying no. A girl walks into a bar. A guy offers to buy her a drink. They strike up a conversation and talk the night away, all the while the girl is thinking, "What a nice guy! I hope he doesn’t try to kiss me or ask for my number." And the guy is thinking, "She’s hot, she’s been talking to me for an hour, I’m gonna get lucky!" Then the night comes to an end, the girl goes to the door, the guy walks her out and asks for her number. "It’s 818-777….." She doesn’t think quick enough to give a wrong number or even be honest and just say, "You know, I really enjoyed our conversation, but I’m not interested in dating right now." So here she is handing her number to Mr. Wrong and then spending the next month and a half avoiding that bar and not answering unknown numbers. That girl is me. It happens way too much and I know I have to work on saying no. It’s just hard. So I’ve decided to wear my mothers old engagement ring on my ring finger to ward off the approach of guys looking to get lucky. It says, "I’m here to talk if you want to have a nice conversation, but I’m not going home with you!" And it works! I started wearing it about a month ago, just to see what would happen and guys notice! They notice and they comment.
Now, I hate lying too, even to strangers, even to people that aren’t particularly nice, just lying in general makes me feel bad, blame it on my christian upbringing. So, that is also something I’m going to be dealing with this year. I have to believably be "engaged" so that I can fully experience being single (how ironic does that sound). I’ve decided to make this not only something to help me realize what it is i truly want in a mate, but a social experiment. To see how society, guys, in particular, react to a woman that’s promised.
I hope you’ll join me along my path. I promise to be completely honest in this blog about how I’m feeling emotionally as well as physically each day. I can’t wait to see what I discover by the end of the year. I feel that such amazing things are in store for 2009, not just for my life, but for the world and I can’t wait to explore them with me, myself and I. Who knows maybe this will end up being the best thing I’ve ever done for my health. I don’t know about you, but I’m excited!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
