Independent Woman!

February 28, 2009.

Well, I’ve been extremely positive, but haven’t found him yet…I can smell him though, he’s comin’ and he sure smells good. Ha, that doesn’t sound quite right.

Last night while on set of “My Boys”, I was told I have the prettiest eyes [he’s] ever seen. He was not it. He was very polite and nice, but not it. Kind of awkward. But awkward could be good, I suppose.

But hey, look out world, it’s the end of February and that means two months celibate for me! Wow! There were a few close calls in there and the nights not over yet, but I made it!

I’m worried that I’m getting so used to being alone that I’m not gonna want to be with anyone when the time comes. It just leaves me so free and open to do what I want. Right now it’s the middle of a Saturday and I’m sitting at Cheesecake Factory by myself with a cup of coffee and salad on the way. It feels good to be independent. Really good. I suppose I don’t have to lose the independence when I start dating, but I’ll just have to find a guy who doesn’t mind an independent woman. In LA? That’s a joke.

Will, from Florida comes back to the states either tomorrow or Monday, I’m not sure which, but I’m dying to see him. It’s been 7 months. I’m sure he’s just as cute as ever, I just want to squeeze him and give him a big wet kiss.

I feel like Miguel and Lee have made me a charity case and are trying desperately to set me up with someone, even though they don’t know anyone that lives in California, “But they might be moving out here!” I don’t want people to make it their mission to find me a mate. I want to find him on my own and naturally. I don’t want anything to seem forced or contrived.

I’m all over the map today, as you can clearly see, but for now, the search is still on, but I don’t like the term “search”, makes me sound a little desperate, how about…my independence still reigns! I like the sound of that!

Winking Isn't Fair.

February 26, 2009.

So positive things totally do come to positive people. Good things are here. Love it. Just putting it out there that every time I believe something good is going to happen, and I mean totally and utterly believe it, it happens.

Now how come I can’t truly believe a great guy will come into my life in the near future. I think it, but I never truly believe it.

On set for a new Gameshow today and the co-host, who’s just my type and married, (I think I mentioned him in a previous post, maybe not) winked at me today. Why’d he gotta wink, huh? It’s just making it even more unfair that he’s married.

I just have to put all of my positive thinking power into a belief in a healthy wonderful relationship. It’s going to happen. I know it will. I truly and utterly believe it will happen. Ok, now you guys will witness if my power of thought is actually going to work. Because here’s my promise from this point forward: that I will not only think about a wonderful, fun relationship with a wonderful, fun guy, but I will believe in it.

Man, believing can be quite exhausting, but I guess it’s worth it in the long run…

Let’s see how long this takes…I believe it won’t take too long.

All the good ones really are taken...what's up with that?

February 25, 2009.

Not much to report. Just a query: Why are all the adorable, seemingly normal guys already married? Why are only the weird, awkward, unattractive inside and out guys left? It's really not fair. Just because I didn't want to get married when I was 19to my high school sweatheart means I get whatever's left over? Totally not fair.

Ray has officially stopped talking to me. I think Adain was a little shocked that I didn't pick him up from the airport yesterday...Guys are over it, I think. Will gets back into the states in another five days. Can't wait! I can't stop thinking about him and every time I do, I can't stop smiling...I think that's a good sign.

Pete text me today asking if I would accompany him to a party in March at his dad's best friend's place in the hills. He wants my company so he won't be "bored out of his mind". I told him i'd go. I'm all for an adventure! I told him we should make up a story that we just got engaged and I'm already two months preggers. I think he likes the idea...I don't know if I can actually go through with it, but it sure would be humorous.

Let's see...anything else to report? Hmmm...drawing a blank. Think I may attempt a short lived trip to the beach tomorrow if I get out early enough from work. It would be nice to take a jog by the ocean again. It's great. Updates tomorrow!

Titties and kinky hair...

February 24, 2009.

Went to “Metal School” last night with Chris and his friends. It was pretty wild. Lots of Titties and random washed up celebs. It was nice to see Chris though. It’s literally been an entire year. I haven’t seen him since last February. And we only just met last January.

I dared to be bold and I wore tight, tight purple pants and did my makeup a little wild. It was fun to be not quite me. The whole night was very fun but I’m getting old! We stayed till close and at 2am the guys were all going to keep the party going, but I couldn’t do it. I needed a little bit of beauty sleep. So, I said my good-byes. Gave Chris a big hug and he kissed me on the forehead. Then headed home for a few hours of sleep.

Today, I made it to my audition, Thank God and even managed to memorize a bit of the monologue sent to me in my email. It was ok, nothing groundbreaking. Then Miguel and Lee and I were going to go see a taping of ‘Chelsea Lately’ but we arrived too late and got put on stand-by only to be told there was no room at the inn.

I came home and tried to get a bit of sleep before wing night at ‘C’s’. No doin’. So I brushed up my makeup and walked to C’s.

Met Miguel and Lee, got our happy hour drinks and chatted. About an hour after we arrived Laurie walked in and sat across from us at the bar. Laurie works at the Vespa store next to the restaurant and liked Nikki back in the day, but they didn’t really hit it off. I think he’s adorable, but he’s totally off limits. Super nice guy, though. Always hugs hello and tells me to stop by and say ‘hi’ at his store. Maybe I will, Laurie, maybe I will.

Text convo’d with Encino a bit while I was there. He’s adorable and wants to hang out this week. Yes I will, Encino, yes I will. I hope we actually do though, he’s awesome.

And Adain text me to ask if I could pick him up from the airport, but I was already at C’s and drinking a beer…so I actually said “No”. Wow. I don’t usually do that. But, the way I looked at it was, sure he came to my rescue the other week, however, he’s still not completely excused from being an asshole. He’s got some work to do.

Ah well…off to sleep for me. I’m exhausted and just got a small job for tomorrow and an audition, so again, beauty sleep much needed.

Night night.

Just Weird.

February 23, 2009.

Ok, so real quick. The party the other night was absolutely ridiculous. Two fights broke out, there was lots of weed everywhere and a keg. Nuts. I knew about five people there, so I stuck with those I knew. At the end of the night is when things got interesting. I went to say goodnight to Crazy and he was dancing in the living room. I gave him big hugs and he said “I wanna see you…does that go both ways” and I said, “yeah, give me a call”. Then there was this really weird moment when we almost kissed, I kinda wanted to, but he didn’t make the move, so I didn’t either. Weird.

Then I went to say goodbye to the other guys that were there and I exchanged numbers with two of them and told ‘em we have to hang out. Then one of them walked me out and I offered him a ride home since he lives relatively close and he was planning on taking a cab. I dropped him off and he invited me up…. what? You crazy? I don’t think I ever made it seem like I was interested in that way, but he did overhear me having a conversation at the party about my “engagement ring” and how it’s not real. I think that gave him ideas. Ugh. I politely declined and drove off.

Weird, weird, weird. Well, I guess that’s really all the stories I have about that party. It felt like more when it was happening I suppose.

Yesterday I worked on a music video. Pure hell. Random fact: Shia LaBoeuf directed it. While waiting for my pay at the end of the night this guy in line kept talking to me. I kept turning my back and barely answering him so that he would get the point, but he didn’t’. I hate extra work!

Today I worked as an 11-year-old kid again. Pretty fun…but that’s it on the man front. Haven’t heard from Ray, I think he’s a little embarrassed about his unrequited feelings. He was supposed to call and tell me if he got his apt today or not. I’m assuming that the news wasn’t as good as he was hoping, and maybe that’s why he hasn’t called. Who knows.

Anyway, I’m going to Key Club to meet up with my friend Chris who’s in town from Chicago. Haven’t seen him in a year and I think he’s very excited to see me. As am I to see him. I’m actually going there by myself though, which is pretty weird. I don’t do that…So, we shall see what tonight has in store.

I’m an idiot, I have an audition tomorrow morning, but I’m a rockstar, so sleep, I shall do without! Later!

Commitment Phobia Anyone?

February 22, 2009.


Ugh. I guess I should start with the birthday party.

On Friday the 20th, I went shopping all day with Lee and the way I was acting definitely made it seem like I was really interested in impressing Ray. And I was, but not really in the aspect of romantically. I bought a gorgeous little dress. Lee curled my hair and did my makeup. Made me look like a movie star. We took my car through the carwash, she looked pretty as well, then around 7pm we went to pick up the birthday boy, er, man.

He was in high spirits and we got to ‘Outback’ before anyone else did and hung out and chatted. This was Lee’s first time meeting Ray. She liked him immediately. It’s funny, because being around him in such a comfortable way just comes naturally. It doesn’t feel weird to hug him or stand close and when we talk I do find that I talk to him as if he were my boyfriend. There’s a certain tone I always use…interesting.

His other friends started arriving and surprisingly I knew about half of them through extra work. So it was a fun time. I cheated on my diet and had a glass of wine. Plus, I was DD, so I really couldn’t have more than that if I wanted. But Ray was very into me all night, constant hugs, telling me I was gorgeous every five minutes, blah blah blah. That’s all nice, but I started freaking out. I think I may be a bit commitment phobic. But maybe only because he’s not the right one for me.

After dinner I really just wanted to go home and be alone. But Ray wanted to meet some other friends out for a drink in Bev Hills. Lee and Miguel had to go home, so I dropped them off and then headed out with Ray. On the way there his friends cancelled, but we were real close to their house, so we stopped in to chat shortly. His friend is absolutely gorgeous. Tall dark and handsome to a T. And Australian, so he’s got the charming accent as well. He was a very sweet guy. We didn’t get to meet his wife though, she was “in the bath”. When we left there, Ray could sense that I was “tired” so I dropped him off, gave him a hug and he kissed me. It was quick and short, but he kissed me. Then we hugged again and he said, “Oh, I just like you so much, is it ok that I like you?” And of course, like an idiot, I said, “Yes!” and he kissed me again. Oy. So I took off in my car with a very smiley Ray waving behind. What’s a girl to do?

Lee and Miguel think I’m absolutely insane for not liking him. “He’s everything a girl could want!” say the married couple…People just don’t understand when you’re single how intimidating the thought of a serious relationship can be, even with the most perfect man. Going from extremely independent to almost a “wifey” is terrifying to me. Plus, it’s obvious that he wants marriage soon. I mean he just turned 39. Wow. I do not want that soon. At all!!!!

Well, the next day (Saturday) I kind of ignored his texts and calls all day long. I just couldn’t deal with it yet. I spent the day working out and thinking about my crazy reaction to Ray. I had plans to go over to Miguel and Lee’s later that evening, so on the way I finally called Ray. Yes, it was just as awkward as I expected. He just keeps saying “You’re so beautiful! You’re so gorgeous!” Well, sure that’s nice to hear every once in awhile, but after the 50th time in the conversation I just want to scream, “Shut up already! Tell me something else…am I a good person? Am I fun? Am I funny? I don’t want to be just a pretty little thing!!!” Well, we ended up having a more serious convo then expected as well. He told me that when he’s with me he just feels great and gets all silly like he’s back in high school again or something. “Is it ok that I feel this way, or should I not?”

This time I was more honest. I told him I think he’s wonderful and I absolutely love spending time with him, but “right now I have no room in my life for a relationship and I would hate to keep hanging out and lead him on”. He understood this. We sort of hit on that topic during Valentine’s Day, so he knew that both of us as actors have to put our careers first right now. So…we shall see. I think he got it, but one never knows. Men are pretty dense.

I have lots more stories from yesterday and can’t wait to share, but I’m running a little late for a gig I have today and have to pick Miguel up on the way. I will write either later this evening or tomorrow, but I will catch you all up!

Women Start Your Engines...

February 19, 2009.

I was just at the gas station and when I pulled up I noticed a rather attractive gentleman pumping gas behind me. It got me to thinking…what if women started treating men the way men treat women? As in, what if I just kept eyeballing him and maybe whistled and hollered, “Looking good, beautiful.” What a strange and different world we would live in.

But also, seriously, maybe if we started doing that to men, granted I’m sure they’d enjoy it, but maybe they’d realize how much of a piece of meat it makes them seem like. Who am I kidding?! I know they’d love it. But it would give women a whole lot more power, I think.

Perhaps I’ll try it sometime. What do I have to lose? I mean women wait and wait and wait for the right guy to come along and “hopefully” like them enough to ask them out and then hopefully like them enough to start a meaningful relationship that leads to marriage and lots and lots of babies. But why does the woman have to wait?

What if we all started preying on the men we wanted? Would guys just be totally turned off? Or would there be more, happier matches. No more guessing games for the men. No more longing and hoping for the women. Hmm…what a world it would be.

Well, tomorrow is Ray’s birthday and a group of us are going out to “Outback Steakhouse” for a big birthday dinner. Miguel and Lee are coming and we’re all getting fancied up. I’m a little worried about it though, because Ray keeps saying, “There’s 12 of us going! That makes 6 couples!” I guess that makes me and Ray a couple. And then the other day on the phone he was saying how ironic it is that most the couples coming are married…eeek. Pressure much? I don’t need or want that.

Also, the whole cold sore thing is still skeeving me out. I don’t think I could ever even kiss him on the lips until I knew for sure that he was free of herpes. I don’t want that to be a possibility in my future ever. I mean…do cold sores always mean someone has herpes or can it sometimes be something completely different and how do you ever know?? Gross. I feel kind of bad because I'm excited to dress up tomorrow and go out with a big group and what not but is that leading Ray on? Because I definitely don’t think I want anything more than friendship with him. He’s great, but two things I just can’t look past…

Humph, I wish guys and girls didn’t have to make everything so complicated. Ugh. I’m sure I’ll have a great story after tomorrow night’s dinner…can’t wait!

Love at First Sight

February 18, 2009.

I believe in love at first sight. Not necessarily in the fact that it’s the only way love happens, but more so in the fact that it is possible. And why wouldn’t it be possible if “eyes are the window to the soul”, then can’t you take one look at someone and see their soul and know that they’re meant to be with you? I think it’s possible and I’m gonna find it.

I’m at my usual coffee shop and I just fixed the toilet in the bathroom…that’s right, I stuck my hand wrist deep into the back of the toilet and fixed their flushing problem. Here I am a capable, independent woman, willing to fix public restrooms for free and yet, I can’t find a single man in L.A. that wants a meaningful relationship.

That’s all. Going to the “40 Days of Love” bible study with Margaret and Lee this evening…I’ll update in a bit.

Career or Relationship? Who can decide?

February 17, 2009.

Another day, another night alone. Haha, I sound so pathetic. However, I wish every night were in fact spent alone. I want to live by myself!!!! Wish I could afford to! Anywho, not much on the horizon from today.

Was a stand in for a new Nickelodeon game show. Met the “Pick man” (I honestly have no idea who that is since I didn’t have cable as a kid) but he was the host and is apparently from New York, and if the ring is not also a device he uses to ward off women, then he is married. So that’s all the action I got today! Woohoo!

So lame. When did my life become so lame? I was sitting there, working today and just kept thinking about how pathetic my life could seem to the untamed eye. However, when I think about it in full detail, I live a pretty freaking cool life. Here I am, playing an 11yr old girl on a Nick game show and getting paid for it and I’m single as all get out; no attachments or expectations to or from anyone. First time in a while that that has happened. It feels good.

My cousin called me today. Turns out her boyfriend (of just over a year now) has announced that he is making the move to Australia to finish his studies. She’s extremely upset (understandably so). And I found myself telling her, “Now’s the time in our lives where we kind of have to choose wisely between a relationship and career...” Which is more important? But I’ve never wondered that. I’ve always known my career was more important to me. Not that my relationships weren’t important, just at my age, I’d rather nourish my acting than nourish a future husband.

I still don’t even know if I can ever picture myself becoming a wife. Eww. Sounds gross and all sorts of male dominationy (is that a word?)

Just think about how much this year I’ve already fucked up. Tony and Sam are completely out of my life (and to be honest I haven’t missed either one, much at all). Liam is a not so distant memory. Haven’t heard from him since the ‘Baked Potatoe’ last Thursday, nearly a week ago now. Don’t plan on hearing from him again. And I guess I shouldn’t say that “I fucked up”, so much as they fucked up. It’s amazing how many men in two months can screw up. Doesn’t take ‘em long, does it? Or maybe my patience with it is just wearing thin. I no longer let their little screw-ups go unnoticed or unpunished. And if that is in fact the case, Hoorah for me! I’m proud of myself for being so strong.

Well, I’m avoiding Wing night…I need space away from the roomies. Can’t they move out already????? But Miguel and Lee are joining me here and then staying to hang out when Margaret and Nate get back. We shall see, I’m taking two weeks off alcohol of all kinds, so it’s getting harder and harder to deal with things (ha, and it’s only been two days.)

Meep (love you cb and rs - - shout out to my two fave ladies).

Feeling Hopeless...

February 16, 2009.

Now I’m really gonna cry. I had just written about 4 paragraphs of this blog when MSWord encountered a problem and decided it would be best to close…I don’t even want to try to come up with what I had already written. ARHGHGHHGHGGHGHGGGHGHGHGHG! I despise technology.

Ugh, lets see I started talking about Ray. I think I’ve decided I can’t get past the age thing. It’s just a bit much. As fun and adventurous as he wants to be is fine, I just feel as though there will be things that I will want to do and he won’t be able to or when hanging out with friends, it would be kind of weird, right? I don’t know what to do now. He called me today from a private number or else I probably wouldn’t have picked up. He told me of his car troubles and how much it’s going to cost to fix and then informed me that the thing on his lip the other day wasn’t a cold sore…”thank goodness, cold sores are awful.” I didn’t want to know that. I mean, yes, of course it’s nice to know that before we ever kissed or slept together…eeek, but too much information for the meantime.

Will I ever find a normal, nice, good looking man within an acceptable age group who desires to have a meaningful relationship and not just sex or a fling? Forecast not looking so good.

Adain text me today saying. “off to SLC…see you in a week kiddo…plan on hangin’ out more when I get back.” What’s odd about this text is the fact that right before he sent it I had been having an inner monologue. It was about how I can’t see myself with someone who calls me ‘kiddo’ for the mere fact that my father did and I can’t disassociate the two.

I’m frustrated right now. I’m so tired of having nothing on the horizon. If I want sex…I could have it. If I want a great make out session…done. But as soon as I actually want a boyfriend, no where to be found. Where have all the good men gone? How come there’s not a single one left for me? Where is he hiding?

Moral of the story…no matter how cute an accent is, it becomes unattractive the moment it says the words “cold sore”.

How Old is too Old?

February 15, 2009.

So I’ve had Ray on the brain all day and haven’t stopped smiling. How old is too old? And should we put a limit on age for relationships? I was also thinking today, that if I ever dated Ray, for reals, would I flip out on my 30th if we were still together and go through a mini crisis about him looking at younger girls? (He’d be 44 at that time btw…yikes!) I feel like then the age difference doesn’t seem so grand. A 30yr old woman dating a 44-yr. old man. Not so bad, right?

Ugh, well, I haven’t much to report on the man front today, since I spent 90% of my day in bed…just for fun and 10% at improv, where we all know the men are mostly engaged or taken. Ray did text me this morning and wants to hang out on Friday for his birthday. I didn’t respond yet, and he called and left me a message saying the same thing. I’m trying to not be so anxious and screw up anything by being too anxious too soon.

Um, this week shall be interesting my friend Mark is flying in from NY. We’ve been BF since highschool and he’s coming to cali for family reasons, but I’m picking him up from the airport tomorrow bright and early, then have to be back up here for an Improv show. Then I have a few gigs lined up this week. I am going to make $400 this week. Yes I am. So, I will most likely be busy. Then Friday is Ray, Lindsay’s and our friend Crazy’s birthday. I kind of already know what I want to get Ray, but I’m not sure I should buy him anything, just yet.

We shall see. Updates Manana.

Not just another Valentine's Day...

February 14, 2009.

Ah…Valentine’s Day. What a lovely day for singles to be single…you all know. It blows. Unless, you make the most of it! I had been planning on spending the day alone and turning down any invites I was to receive, even though my horoscope advised otherwise.

However, last night just as I was about to fall asleep, I received a text message from Ray. So odd, because I was just thinking about him. He suggested we go see the “The Wrestler” like we’d been planning the past few weeks. I decided it was now or never.

So this morning after I dropped Lindsay off at the airport and said goodbye (sniffle, sniffle), I called Ray and set up a movie date for 12:05. Went for a run, showered, dressed real cute and drove off at 12:20pm. Ray was late because he went to pick up a beautiful rose for me. Too sweet. When he got here, I couldn’t help but be shocked by how cute he is. He’s so much older than I am, but his Australian accent makes it okay somehow. (He’s 38…14 year difference, yikes!)

We didn’t make the movie, so he decided to take me to the best burger in L.A. A little joint in NoHo called Classy Jack’s. They were very good burgers and the guy who runs the place loves RAY. It was charming. Then we headed to the AMC in Burbank to catch the 2 20pm. The movie was incredible and incredibly sad. It was a bit gory as well and at each sight of blood Ray would bury his head in my arm. He couldn’t take it. After the movie, I was exhausted, but Ray didn’t want the day to end. So he drove me around the equestrian district where he lives in Burbank and showed me the horses. Then he suggested getting some coffee and going to the observatory at Griffith Park. I really didn’t want to do that. The last time I was there was with Pat…the 36-yr. old I dated for a short while. Something about older men in L.A…I don’t know.

Anywho, we ended up going to a coffee place in Burbank. It was super nice and we enjoyed blended mocha’s and delicious desserts and talked for three hours. He’s just great. The most positive person I’ve ever met. The only thing that made me wary about him was how he kept telling me that he cuts people out of his life when they disappoint him or do something he objects to morally, which I agree with, but when he described one of the reasons for cutting someone out of his life, I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think it was totally right.

Other than that, he’s fantabulous. The age thing is really the only thing that bothers me. I wish perhaps I was older or he was younger. I definitely find him attractive and couldn’t help but think about kissing him. He doesn’t seem 38, but when guys my age would pass me by, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d always be hoping for someone closer to my age.

Hmm, well he dropped me off around 8 30, gave me an amazing hug goodbye and told me that he wants to do this again. So do I! He just makes me smile uncontrollably. He’s great. Even if nothing sexual ever happens between us, I really want him as a friend in my life.

Once home, I ran to Ralph’s and grabbed some veggies, bread and wine. Came home and made a beautiful little platter of veggies and dip, brie cheese and rye bread with garlic olive oil to dip it in. Poured myself a cup of wine and put in only the best movie ever, “Ghost”. Always makes me cry. Love it.

All in all, I’ve had a terrific Valentine’s Day, especially for being single. I spent the day with a great guy, enjoyed being alone and had Will and my band member send me lovey dovey messages.

Life is good. I’m gonna go grab another glass of wine and finish watching ‘Ghost’ before my roomies come home. Night.

Where are all the Good Men Hiding??

February 13, 2009.

Ugh. Can’t wait for the day I get to write about a great guy. I just can’t seem to win. Yesterday we had the day off, so Lindsay and I decided to take a bus to Universal Citywalk and do some drinking. We hit up the Mexican restaurant and had margaritas and chips and salsa. Then at 4pm we headed to the second floor where there were 3.50 beers for happy hour. How could we resist?

After our first round of beers we decided to see where Liam was. We knew it was his day off, and we figured, we could use the ride back home…I know kinda bitchy. I was still peeved about the previous couple of days he bailed on us. But he came and as soon as he walked through the door, he was adorable and I couldn’t help but be happy he was there.

Then things just felt kind of strange and the more drunk I became, the more irritated I became with Lindsay and Liam. The bartender kept making eyes at me, so I played along. He was pretty cute…could’ve been the beer goggles though. And after two beers I ordered my third and he said, “Tell you what, this one’s on my tab as a welcome to California.” I thanked him. I had told him earlier that I had just moved, cuz I still have my NY I.D. and he wondered about it.

Well, apparently this free drink upset both Lindsay and Liam. A little later, Liam took a crack at me and said something about how if we all go out after, the bartender should come so I can flirt with him. And when Lindsay ordered her next drink, it was not “on the house” and she was not impressed. The thing that was bothering me about Lindsay is that she just wants anyone and everything and anyone and everything to want her. She blatantly said this earlier. And hey, I’m all for flirting and hook ups and having a fun time, but oh my god, don’t think that just because you throw sex at the men in the room it means they’re yours. Leave someone for the rest of us.

I’m not a competitive person. If a friend of mine speaks up and tells me of a crush they have, I completely back down. I’m not about to fight for the guy. The friendship is so much more important. And I would expect the same from my friends. Of course, if the guy is clearly not attracted to me and much more into my friend, I’m not gonna stand in the way. But just don’t try and be more flirtatious and cuter and more fun after I tell you I like someone. Oy.

I’m so over the dating scene here. Anywho, we neared the end of our stay at the Brewery. I was four beers and one margarita in and pretty drunk. I ended up picking up the check, it was fairly cheap for everything we got and I left my number on the check…don’t know if the bartender saw it yet or not, but maybe I’ll find out in a couple of days.

We headed back to my apt so we could change before going out and meeting up with one of Liam’s friends at another bar. I really had no desire to go out anywhere else. I was wasted and extremely tired. The time we spent at my apt is blurry to me, but the moments I do remember are these: At one point, Liam went into my room and checked out my bed…just sprawled out on it. I so badly just wanted to jump on top of him, but I was in the other room with Margaret and Lindsay and he didn’t stay long enough in there for me to work up the nerve. Then I remember he was in the living room, Margaret and Lindsay were in Margaret’s room and I went into my room and passed out on the bed. I heard my door creak open and Liam say, “I knew it!” So, I got up and changed for the third time and joined him in the kitchen where I complained about being tired and we hugged for a nice long time and he said, “This is nice.” Then we were on the love seat in the living room looking through music on Lindsay’s comp. It was nice and cozy. After that, I changed into my final outfit of the night and we headed to a bar called ‘The Baked Potatoe’. I was falling asleep the whole way there in the car. Liam kept looking over and asking if I wanted coffee. I didn’t want coffee, I wanted to sleep.

We went inside and Liam was buying the drinks and I didn’t want anymore, so he ordered me a jack and coke anyway…ugh. I didn’t drink it at all. What is with guys always wanting me to be drunker? Liam disappeared and I guess was networking with some guy he’s trying to get a job with. I sat with Lindsay for a bit, then she disappeared to have a cigarette. I was tired, lonely and upset. I wanted to go home. I text Adain. He didn’t even ask questions just said, “Stay put, I’m coming to get you.” Then Liam showed up and put his arm around me and said, “You wanna get out of here?” and I nodded. Then I thought he said, “Ok, I’m just gonna go get my card.” But perhaps he said, car not card. I’m not sure. All I know is that I was sitting alone for a very long while, Lindsay came and asked if I was ok, I shook my head and said, “Adain’s coming to get me, you can leave with us or you’re more than welcome to stay.” She said, “I’m leaving with you, let me just use the restroom.” Well, then I was alone again for a good long time and Adain called and said he was out front. Lindsay was nowhere in sight, I went to the ladies room to get her and she wasn’t there. So I met Adain out front and called Lindsay. She apparently was out back…with Liam. What the fuck? I thought he was getting ready to leave and I thought she was just quickly using the restroom. I didn’t even know there was an “out back”. So we left with Adain.

I stayed in the car with Adain for awhile and chatted. Then we said our good-byes and I came in and went right to bed. A couple min’s later Adain text me. He wanted to sleep over…I wanted him to. So, he came back. I told him before he even got here though, that there would be no sex. We cuddled, made out, got nakey and of course, he tried to have sex with me, but I stayed strong. No sex. It was much more natural feeling being with him this time than it was 5 months ago.

He stayed for a bit this morning and we chatted more. He caught be up on his latest relationship fumble and I told him how I had thought Liam was the first normal guy I’d liked and he’s turned out to be the most unreliable alcoholic I’ve ever met. I’m so disappointed. But, Adain and I seem to be good, even with all the awkwardness that happened between us. He invited me to join him tomorrow (on Valentines Day) at Big Bear where he and his friends are going skiing tonight and tomorrow. I said no. Still planning on spending V-day at home with some great home cooked meal and champagne…perhaps though I’ll skip the champagne. Alcohol lately has not been proving to be a good thing in my life.

Argh! I’m so frustrated!!! Why can’t there be one nice, normal male in my life who likes my mind as well as my body. I’m really beginning to lose all hope of ever having a relationship again.

Saddle me up!

February 11, 2009.

Alright. I have to first start off by saying we met A.J. from the Backstreet Boys last night. That’s right. Welcome to Hollywood.

I wish I could say the entire evening was just as wonderful, but it was not. It just verified all my thoughts that L.A. men are douchholes. We started the night at wing night with Miguel, Lee, Ryan and Pete, then we did some drinking at our apt. before heading to Saddle Ranch in Hollywood. We were planning on meeting up with Sean and Agent.

Also, earlier that evening Liam had text me. Apparently, I drunk text him the previous night and said, “Ok…come play. Or I’m over it.” He didn’t respond until about 5pm yesterday. So, he said he’d hang out last night. Then he text me around 9 30pm saying he’d gotten free tickets to see Dane Cook, would I be up late? I said, yeah, but I wasn’t sure where I’d be.

Well, when Agent said that he’d be at Saddle Ranch in Hollywood, I thought that was perfect because Dane Cook plays at the Laugh Factory, which is right down the street. So I shot Liam a text letting him know we were there. We met up with Sean and Agent, had a couple of drinks. Wandered the bar because I didn’t really want to spend the whole night flirting with Agent and give him the wrong idea.

At one point, Miguel and Lee, Lindsay and I were outside on the smoker’s patio. This group of guys next to us started chatting up Lee, so I intervened and pretended to be her wife. The one guy looks at me and says, “Well, you’re not so bad yourself…” Ew. Even if I was a lesbian and that was my wife, he assumes we’d be up for something with him? Dream on. Then another of his friends approached and put his arm around Lee and I stepped in and said, “Hey, hey, hey, hands off.” And I think it freaked him out a little and he backed off and just kept saying, “Yo, I’m sorry dude. Bro, I’m married, too. Don’t freak out dude.” Apparently since I’m a lesbo, I am no longer a woman either, I’m a ‘dude’ and a ‘bro’. I couldn’t believe how naïve and stupid they were being. The epitome of L.A. guys. So we decided it would be a better idea to head back inside to avoid further confrontation. I’m not even gay and I’m so offended by how those guys treated us last night. Absolutely no respect.

Anywho, 1 15am rolled around and still no word from Liam. I shot him a text asking what time he’d be out. No response. Agent and Sean were acting way creepy so we had been avoiding them and were trying to leave before we even had to say goodbye. I received a text from Liam around 1 30am saying he’d just gotten out. I called him ten minutes after the text and he didn’t answer. We were hoping he’d be our ride home…Lindsay tried calling him also and got no answer, but left a message. We left the bar completely avoiding good-byes with Agent and Sean and hopped in a cab.

Agent text me after that, saying, “Where’d you guys go?” And Lindsay and I were literally the last people out the door of Saddle Ranch, so I said, “What the fuck do you mean? We were the last people to leave, you guys were already gone.” Then he tried calling me later, but I didn’t answer. I don’t really want anything to do with him.

Now it’s 11am and no word from Liam, even after repeated texts and phone calls. Like I said, over it. I’m gonna delete his number so that I don’t ever accidentally drunk text him again. Over it. Where are all the good guys??????

Boys with Beemers...

February 10, 2009.

Oh man…what can one even begin to say about last night? Lindsay and I got off set a lot later than we expected, so we cancelled our plans to go to the Key Club, however, we refused to let the evening go wasted. I quickly downed the rest of my wine that I had at home and had a nice buzz. Got dressed up as a grungy hipster (is there even such a thing?) and smeared a bit more makeup onto my already exhausted skin. We decided to hit up Pineapple Hill, since it was within walking distance and we had a good hour left to get our drink on before the bar closed.

We headed down to the bar and quickly discovered the sausage fest inside. There was like 95% man meat in the bar…but still slim pickin’s. We did, however, run into Sean, a guy Lindsay had met and made out with the last time we were at the Hill. He was cuter than we both remembered. Well, with only an hour to get drunk, you better believe we were quickly getting silly. Sean introduced us to his friend who soon revealed to us that he’s a talent agent. How perfect for two aspiring actresses to have an agent literally fall into our laps. Handed to us. It also happened to be Agents birthday at midnight. So we enthusiastically wished him a happy birthday and told him we would go out with him tonight and then drinks would be on us. It was the least we could do, since he bought us a round of drinks. I was being drunk and playful and chatting up Agent so that Lindsay could focus on Sean.

At one point I think I even said, “I’ll take one for the team!” Because, although Agent was very friendly, I was not at all in any way shape or form atracted to him. Lindsay just looked at me with terrified eyes and said, “Don’t do it!”

No worries, I didn’t. Agent gave us a ride home in his beautiful BMW. I passed out immediately when we got back, but Lindsay stayed with the boys and had her own fun string of events at Seans place all evening. I think we will meet up with them sometime tonight. Sean seems to be quite infatuated with Lindsay. I just know that it’ll be essential for me to remain sober, so that in no way do I drunkenly think it’s a good idea to flirt or kiss Agent. Oy. Where are my handsome bad boys with gorgeous Beemers. Oh yeah, when Sean dropped Lindsay off this morning he was driving a 2007 BMW convertible. How do you reach that much success at the age of 26??

Crazy. Tonight shall be another fun adventure. Can’t wait!

Flirting With Disaster

February 9, 2009.

On set again today. Cold, bored and lonely. Lindsay’s doing a special scene that I am not a part of, so here I sit in holding with no one to laugh with…

I found myself flirting with one of the crew guys who is pretty adorable. But, we were joking about taking five minutes in the back of the truck and getting our groove on…I think I was more serious then he. I realized that even though I was joking, I did in fact really want to get laid. I do.

Also, I’m realizing now that I’m beginning to doubt myself and my ability to get guys. Lindsay’s got this incredibly magnetic personality and every time she says a guy is cute or she’s attracted to a guy, she miraculously has his attention. And then I start thinking, “Oh, well, if she likes him then I have no chance.” This doesn’t usually happen to me and I’m wondering “why now?” It’s super strange. I’m usually pretty confident in myself. But not lately. Hmmm…

We’re off to Key Club tonight for some 80’s cover bands and we’re gonna get our groove on. So I’m sure many more adventures are in store for this evening. Updates to follow.

Better late than never??

February 8, 2009.

Today was semi-uneventful…just what I needed. We didn’t go to set today. We were probably supposed to but we really wanted the day off. I did a lot of errands. Received a myspace message from an old “friend”. The message said, “I was an asshole.” So, I text him after I saw the message and said, “You were an asshole.” To which he responded, “I know, and I’m terribly sorry for that too. I hope you can forgive me, I know I ruined a good friendship.”

Now, I’ll give you a bit of history. This was my friend Adain who I met last summer through work. He started fooling around with a friend of mine and they were constantly fighting and I was constantly in the middle of it because I was the neutral friend. Well, time went by, they eventually ended their fling and I became Adain’s next target. I thought, “Hmm…maybe, I mean we make great friends…maybe the sex could be pretty good.” It was not. We fooled around for about a week and then I never heard from him again. Until about a month later when he had begun a relationship with a girl he met online. And he acted as if nothing ever happened between us. So whatever, there really was no chemistry, but I had hoped to retain the friendship, but I was pissed.

So, here we are about four months later and he’s single yet again and now he’s decided to apologize for being an asshole. Guys really blow.

I did hear from Ray today because I had suggested we go to see “The Wrestler”. But, I chickened out when he called. I kept thinking about him all day. I needed to hear his positivity filled voice. I need that in my life. I shall hang out with him soon.

Off to bed for me, I have to be on set again in the morning and need my beauty sleep. So, adieu; more news to come tomorrow.

They're all a bunch of Doucheholes...

February 7, 2009

Why are guys such doucheholes??? Lindsay and I spent the whole day on set today and Encino clearly wants my body, but last night we joined him and his cougar at the bar for birthday drinks. She’s beautiful, but perhaps looking for more of a commitment then he. Anywho, every chance he got he would come and be with us and his body language was just so not subtle with me. I like that he’s like that but then I have to stop myself and think, well, if he’s like this when he’s got a beautiful girlfriend, then if we were to ever get together, would he be like that with other women when he was with me?? Eek.

Anywho, that’s not what pissed me off today. I haven’t text Liam since our green fairy night and today he text me while we were still on set, “I’m bored”. So, I suggested that he come “booze it up” with Lindsay and I after we wrap. Didn’t hear anything back. Then when we were close to home, I sent another text and we chatted back and forth for a bit and he seemed interested in coming over. Even though I adamantly told him I didn’t like the idea of him driving drunk. He assured me he was fine and said, “Alright, I think I gonna come.” Then 45 min later, no word from him. I text him saying, “What’s the verdict? Where you at boy?” and he responded with, “Well, I don’t know if I can – I would love to – but Don Julio is making it tough.” So, when he text that he was gonna come, he decided instead to keep drinking and in turn not show up at all. Even though it was his complete decision to come.

I hate men. Have I mentioned that yet? I’m so over it. I thought he was one of the more normal guys I’ve ever been interested in, but fuck no. He’s just as screwed up as the rest of them. I so badly want to text mean things to him right now, but I don’t know how to be assertive and still maintain some sort of dignity in the situation. What a freaking idiot. I’m so frustrated right now that I want to cry, but fuck that! I won’t let him ruin my night like that. Arrrghghgghghgghghhhh! He’s gonna have to do a lot in order to win me back at all. I have no more respect for him and no more desire to keep trying. What a waste of my time.

Aren’t there any normal guys out there? Blah! Bad taste in my mouth, and it ain’t the sake I’ve been drinking all night

The Horniness sets in...

February 6, 2009.

So much is gone down, you don't even know! 2009 is still proving to be a great year. I'm super exhausted already though and it's only the end of the first week in February.

Lindsay and I have been on set lots and lots this past week. I've been making much needed money. I couldn't be happier. No one, not one single male on set, has commented about my ring. Hmm...how curious. I really have not been very flirtatious either, so I've only given my number to one crew guy, because he wanted to go out drinking with us. Other than that, there seems to be little to no interest in my bizness. Which, I'm totally cool with.

Today, I realized I'm getting anxious to get laid. This is the longest I've gone in about two years. I know...I'm such a slut. But Lindsay almost got a little "afternoon delight" today and I found myself getting irritated at her. Why was I so mad at her for getting her groove on? Because I want to get my groove on!!! I'm horney.

But I will prevail! We all got a bit wild and crazy last night with some Green Fairy in our systems. I stupidly spent the night texting Liam. Begging him to come over. Using every offer in the book. This morning, I felt pathetic. But a quick review of our text convo reassured me that I hadn't really said anything too embarrassing, plus he said that it was "hot" that I was being so forward with him.

Also, more exciting man news. I was texting with Will last night. He leaves in about a week for a tour in Australia. The last tour he's doing with his band. I ever so slyly suggested that he come visit L.A. (and more importantly me)after his tour. To my surprise he said he's going to look into changing his flight back home to a flight to L.A. I hope he does! He'll totally make a lonely girl extremely happy!

Alright, and I guess I should've started with the worst story and ended on a high note, but just fyi, Tony is out of my life. So is Sam. Lindsay and I had a drunken night the other night (i know...how rare!) and we ended up at Tony's house. He drove us there, so we were kind of trapped. He got it into his dick-run head that we were going to be just drunk enough to have a threesome with him. Now, if he knew me at all, he'd know I'd never go for it...especially with one of my best friends. How absolutely disgusting! So, I left in a huff and surprise, surprise, he just rolled over and went to sleep. Done. Never again will I let him effect my life. I called him after I had walked home and screamed at him to never, ever contact me again and to tell Sam (who is now his roommate) to stay the F*** out of my life as well.

I don't think he believed me. But this time it's for real, for real. He actually called me the next day. I didn't answer, he left no message, and that's that. What a total creep.

Better in the beginning of the year then wasting the whole year hoping that he can be rehabilitated into a normal functioning human being.

Anywho, Lindsay and I have plans for dinner tonight, then off to Encino's birthday party in Hollywood. He's in charge of the slating on set and when we first met him he was giving me the "bedroom eyes" and we couldn't help but notice his resemblence to a caveman...hence "Encino". Of course we haven't told him that, but we say it with love. The more we get to know him the more adorable he becomes and alas, we found out yesterday that he's in a relationship. But he's still awesome and we plan on keeping up a friendship with him. So tonight, we party!

I think that's most of the updates I have. I shall write tomorrow with news of tonights events. Hoorah for another month of abstinence...I hope I can contain myself!

Long Days

February 1, 2009

Today was exhausting! Lindsay and I spent 14 hours on set of the Hallmark movie. We felt super special because the director, producer, AD’S, PA’s, etc all paid lots of attention to us. We stayed extra late and did some stand-in work. We chatted up the crew and tried to make some great connections. No one noticed the ring on my hand and no one really flirted with me much either. It was nice.

I feel like the ring is becoming less and less noticeable. Maybe I’m just becoming less and less “available” with my actions. Lindsay did lots of flirting and I think the prop guy is truly in love…

I heard from my band member #1 again today. He loves me. He keeps telling me that he’s going to buy me a house in the hills and we’ll “live happily ever after”. I wish I was more attracted to him, it would be great.

Also, haven’t heard from and haven’t contacted Liam since we hung out on Thursday. I’m trying to decide when it will be appropriate to contact him. I don’t want to seem too anxious or too hard to get. I need to find a happy medium. Not sure what I want anymore from him. I wish we hadn’t hung out two nights in a row, because now it just seems like too much.

Oy, so many things to think about. Well, it’s onto a new month. Can’t wait to make it through another month completely abstaining from tickling the sacred cow! I’m gonna be so proud of myself! I know…seems pathetic, but we all have our own goals, don’t we?

Another day on set tomorrow. Exciting! Making moolah and connections! It’s super terrific! Updates manana!

Back from a short hiatus...

January 31, 2009

So, I’m a terrible person for not keeping this current and up to date this past week. I’ve been super busy with Lindsay and work. But, lots of random things have definitely been happenin’. Let’s see, met my soul mate in a forty-year-old Australian mans body. Hung out with Liam, who confessed his attraction to me. Confronted my roommates about their weird judgements about my dating life and made some awesome connections.

I was on set for a commercial and I met Ray. He’s from Melbourne and absolutely adorable. He’s one of the most positive and optimistic people I’ve ever met. We spent most of the day talking about our astrological signs and our animal signs. I’m a rat and he’s a dog…apparently we’d make great lovers. That’s just what they say. We exchanged emails and we’re gonna catch a movie sometime soon. He’s just overall a great guy and I think he’s going to be a great connection in the biz.

Hung out with Liam twice this past week. Lindsay and I went out on Wednesday night to a local dive bar and met up with Liam and his roomie. We drank a bit, danced a bit and Liam told me that he likes me and had inquired after the first night we met about my stats. And my roommate Nate had apparently told him that “She’s not into guys.” So, Liam thought I might be gay. I told him that I’m definitely not and that I do like him also. But we kept it completely friendly and didn’t even end the night with a kiss. We did make plans for the next evening though.

Again, Lindsay, Liam and roomie and their other friend Craig came out and we bar hopped in Hollywood. I was DD, so I was not drinking. At one point we were at Beauty Bar and Liam pulled me onto the dance floor with him. He was absolutely adorable dancing his cares away. However, the night ended kind of strangely. Lindsay and Craig hit it off and were hot and heavy, which made Liam’s roommate unhappy and in turn pissed off Liam. I tried my damnedest to cheer him up, but no go. So, in turn I got frustrated.

Now things are just kind of awkward. I haven’t text or talked to him in two days and am gonna try to go at least one more day without contact. I want to give him a bit of space to figure out what he wants from me because right now I think we both feel strange about what’s been happening with my roommates. God, why is everyone so pathetic? Ugh.

Last night, I slept over at Tony’s. He called me upset and wanted me to come over to cheer him up/sleep with him. He didn’t say it like that, but, come on…he’s a guy. So, I did my job of cheering him up. We made out a little. We cuddled, he tried to get frisky, and I refused him. It felt really, really good to say “No.” But, I spent the night and got up this morning, kissed him on the forehead and said goodbye. His phone is turned off, so I’m unable to call him. I wanted to find out how he was feeling today, but couldn’t.

Let’s see…today is the last day of January 2009 and I’ve successfully made it the whole month being single and celibate. Let’s see how February goes. Gotta get up bright and early for work tomorrow, so I’m off to bed. Here’s to a new month!