Breakfast with Seattle...

July 3, 2009.

Just got my hair did. Figured I needed it to make me feel a bit better after having breakfast (at noon) with Seattle.

I picked him up and we exchanged an awkward hug, then headed to a diner down the street for some food. For some reason I could barely look at him. I was in my “defense mode” the entire time. Not allowing myself to enjoy too much and remaining at one level the entire time...this is just how I work and I hate it. I felt like I was at a business meeting.

The meeting consisted of discussions about the boys in this blog. I don't know why Seattle seems so comfortable talking about all this, maybe it helps him move on. Who knows, but it's kind of weird for me to sit and casually chat about with him.

I kept having to fight the urge to hold hands with him or put my arm around his back, you know, couple stuff. It just felt so strange.

But then again, when I went to drop him off I felt like he lives here and we just never see eachother. It didn't feel like, “I may never see you again.” Which also felt strange.

He lingered in the car, not wanting to get out and said he wished we could hang out more. As do I, I just don't know how to “hang out” with him. I got out of the car to give him a hug goodbye and it felt...like heartbreak. It was hard to let go, and I could tell we both felt it.

Bah! I'm even starting to cry just writing this right now.

He text me after saying, “Thanks for driving out here; it was good to see you, even though it was kind of hard. Hope you have a good night at work.”

My response: “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to seem 'cold as ice'. It was really nice to se you and I just kept wanting to reach out and hold your hand or hug you and I was just trying so hard not to.”

But what I really wanted to say was, “What the hell are you really feeling?!?!?!?! Don't “thank” me for coming out there! This wasn't a business meeting, drop the formal bullshit and tell me what's really going on in your head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

He wrote back, “I know what you mean about wanting to reach out, but I wasn't serious about the cold as ice thing so no worries. I think we were probably feeling similar things.”

So, I prodded: “And what might those things be...?”

Seattle: “Well, I was feeling happy to see you, wanting to touch you, sad about what happened between us, and conflicted about all of it.”

I guess that's as good as it gets.

I'm not really sure what it is exactly I'm feeling. Frustration...maybe. Sad...a little. Sick still. Overwhelmed...perhaps.

And now, I have a headache and have to go to work in an hour and ½ and still no word from Todd.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I need a vacation all by myself!