On to the next chapter...

July 19, 2009.


I feel lousy. Things with Todd just went south incredibly quickly and I fear there's no chance of fixing our current situation.

Went out with my coworkers last night, back to Rocco's it was. I wasn't really in the mood to drink and I sent Todd a text asking what his plans for the evening were. He said he definitely didn't want to go to Rocco's. Understandably, I would never have asked it of him.

Rocco's was kind of dull. I mean we all had a decent time, but I'm just so tired of guys and bars and drinking and hook ups and blah blah blah. I text Todd when I was feeling especially low during the evening and informed him “I'm over the bar scene...” to which he responded, “Thank you!!! Good, time for vacays with Todd.”

Um...I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just didn't. Then later on in the evening we were texting back and forth about me possibly cabbing it out to see him and we weren't getting anywhere and I was getting increasingly frustrated. I just wanted him to want to see me so bad that he didn't care what he needed to do to make it happen. So when he kept texting me, “we'll talk tomorrow”, I got angry and told him I'm “over it.” And he replied, “I figured.”

I guess what I really meant is that I'm over how f*ing hard it is to get together with that boy. It shouldn't be so freaking difficult to coordinate plans and make it happen. Especially if we both want it. I told him I'm sorry and he wrote back:

“No, you are not, I know what you wanted, you emailed me the script, I just can't follow it, I got in too deep, it's fine. Trust me, I'm ok. I truly want the best for you. Don't give up on your goals and dreams. We still hang out, I promise, we just need to be strictly friends. Like you originally said. I'm going to sleep. Night.”

Then I tried to call him right after he sent it and his phone was off. I was pissed. I replied, “ok great. Have a good night. I won't waste my time tomorrow.”

I'm an ass and now I'm just sad and angry. I didn't expect this with Todd. I did/do have genuine feelings for him. I think I'm just petrified to trust another man ever again. I hate that I let myself start to feel for him, because now it just sucks. This feels like a mini breakup. Not nearly as tough as when you break up from years of “I love you's” but still more painful then never hearing from a fling again.

I DON'T GET IT!

I text him about an hour ago asking him to meet me for coffee because I don't want to leave things like this with him. It just doesn't seem right. But, no response. I'm very sad about this. I guess I was a jerk and probably deserved this, but God, when will it end???

Alright. Off to rehearsal. Blah.