Re-Focus

July 30, 2009.

1:00am. About to go to sleep. Lots of jargon (hehe, I like that word and it's not used nearly enough) on my mind. I have my very best friend from college visiting me for the evening. She's asleep in the living room next to a man I've never met before and she's only known for a month, 90% of which she has been on a road trip across America with him.

He seems really nice and she seems really happy. That's all that matters.

It's funny how when you see old friends you realize how much you've changed. I mean when me and Kasey get together, it's like no time has passed at all, yet I feel like I'm different in many ways. It's a strange feeling.

Nikki and I are going to look at apartments down in Manhattan again tomorrow. I still haven't told my roomie that we're moving out in a month. I know, I need to...like tomorrow. He needs to know so that he can also start making arrangements. I guess I'm just freaked because I know this will not be the greatest of news to him and I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I just hate disappointing people. It sucks.

But, I gotta look out for myself.

Todd text me tonight while I was at work: “When are you leaving to road trip up north?”

My response: “Well, we wouldn't be leaving until Sunday or Monday.”

No response from Todd.

I wanna be over it. I really do. But for some reason something just keeps me hanging on. Why is it that I just can't let go? I guess I just fear that we could have something really great and I could be just throwing it away...am I?

Befuddled. I think it's upsetting me so much because I actually care. I have feelings for Todd. I like him...a lot. It's just not going anywhere and I'm not sure it ever will.

**

So a funny thing about this blog is that I tell very little about myself other than my dating life and experiences with men. And I can't help but wonder, if I hadn't put so much focus on the man part from the beginning and just blogged about who I really am and what I really do, would I have been able to abstain and keep from dating this whole year? I think, yes. I think I would have found a deeper love for myself, since the focus would've been on me and how great I am (yes, I know, it sounds selfish and self-centered). I looked at this challenge all wrong, and now here I am halfway through my year, already failed my previous goal. Man, I'm a slow learner.

Now where does one go from here? Do I refocus my blog and tell you things you never knew about me? (Because, believe it or not, there are great things going on in my life that have nothing to do with men) or do I keep the focus on men because that's the theme and purpose of this blog? Then at the new year I can start a brand new blog with a brand new focus...

Opinions? Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Advice? Let me know!