July 27, 2009.
Really want to see Todd tonight. I have such opposing forces at work inside me right now. Too bad this isn't an acting scene or it would be award winning.
Fact: I'd really like to see Todd tonight.
Fact: I don't know if I want to be his girlfriend.
Fact: I really want to abstain for the rest of the year successfully.
Fact: If I do start a relationship with Todd, not sure he'll be able to abstain along with me.
Fact: I still notice/think about being with other guys.
Fact: Todd is very comfortable to be with.
Fact: Todd genuinely wants to be with me.
Fact: I don't want to hurt him and am terrified that I will.
So, here I sit, not wanting to contact him because I have two ways to go about this. Contact him and hang out with him and potentially face the reality that we really shouldn't be together, or don't contact him, go MIA for a bit and he'll get the picture.
That's pretty shitty and I don't want to do that. I don't know what I want to do. I was feeling so focused on this topic last week when I hadn't spoken to Todd yet. I felt clear, focused, energized, optimistic, and happy. Now I'm back to be just plain confused again.
Blah. I want to be a robot with no emotions.