Different Kind of Heartbreak.

July 26, 2009.

Just said goodbye to Jess. She leaves L.A. tonight and leaves New Mexico for Hawaii in 6 days. I'm heartbroken. I cried, and still am crying. I feel like this past year has been magical because of my girls and now we're one down. It's pretty devastating.

I know I'll see her again, it's just kind of the end of an era. I've never felt a bond with a group of people quite like I do with these girls. When the four of us are together, we're unstoppable. Now that it's down to three...we're still pretty powerful, but we have a weakness.

I text Todd tonight while I was hanging with the girls at C's to see when he gets back from San Diego, where he was for a convention for work. He responded, “Just got back 20 min. ago.”

I just don't know. I don't know. I'm being stupid and pathetic and want to find everything wrong with the situation between us because I'm terrified to be in a relationship, yet crave one so bad. So, I got annoyed that he didn't respond, “Just got back, really want to see you!”

Then we text back and forth a tad bit and finally he asked, “Sleepover tonight?” to which I replied that due to lack of sleep and the glass of sangria which is floating around in my system, I'm incapable of driving. He informed me that he carpooled with his roommate and left his car at work. How inconvenient. Guess we're not having a sleepover tonight. Then this got to me and I just couldn't help but think, if he really wanted to see me, he'd make it happen.

I guess I know what I should do and need to do, I just don't want to do it. I desperately want to be held tonight. I'm really sad. But I want someone who understands to be holding me, not some stranger. And if I called up that person, it would have to be...

...someone I have yet to meet.

I want a man who makes me feel as beautiful and as powerful as my ladies do. I won't settle for less.

*Just realized I didn't fill y'all in on what happened Friday night. After I blogged about wanting Todd to contact me, he did. About 1am and after a couple beers he worked up the courage to text me. We had a quick back and forth which led to him coming over so that we could discuss what happened last weekend.

He came over, we hugged for what seemed like forever, then went to lay down in my bed and talked a little about what happened between us. He apologized for overreacting since, “We're not labeled.” and told me it made him realize that he truly has feelings for me.

I told him that I can't go back to the way things were because “it wasn't enough for me.” Meaning, I was really enjoying my time with him, but if we're spending every weekend together, I want to be able to spend weekdays together also. You can't have a relationship based on two days a week. He looked me square in the eyes and told me that he has complete and utter control over his schedule and if I want to see him more, he can make it happen. He had been giving me space, which my email said I wanted.

So, we snuggled all night long. Woke up next to eachother. He told me he loves waking up next to me. I said, “Ditto.” Then he went his way and I went mine. No call, no text, no nothing, until I text him tonight. Not good enough. I need more.