July 8, 2009.
I'm at my wits end. I think I've had all that I can handle.
Spent the night with Todd last night. I didn't work so right after my rehearsal I headed over to his place and he took me out to dinner. We discussed relationships. It seems to me that as much as he doesn't want a relationship, he wants to be with me just as much. I think I'm feeling the same way. Relationships scare the crap out of me and yet, I think I could make it work with him. I didn't say this to him, nor did he say that to me, it's all inferred.
But something was just so different about last night. We went back to his place, put in a movie and just started making out. He knew I wasn't gonna have sex, so it was just this really passionate, intense making out. I loved it. I want Todd and only Todd. That's what I felt last night and this morning, waking up next to him.
No more strange guys from bars, no more foreigners and one night stands. Just nights with Todd.
I heard from Vienna this morning. Makes me feel so guilty. I haven't talked to him for about a week and he says he “misses me”. I'm about to write him an email explaining that we shouldn't keep in touch. I'm going to try to be as honest as possible, but also try not to hurt him too much. This sucks. I don't want to do this anymore.
On my way home from class this afternoon, Pedi text me. It's been awhile for him, too, but he's now saying he wants to come visit this upcoming Monday and stay in L.A. for a little while!!! Nooo! I don't want this. Now I have to break his heart also and tell him that the truth is I'm a two-timing slut and he needs to find someone more deserving of his attention. Although, I'll probably lie and say I'm gonna be out of town.
I'm feeling very unhappy and uncomfortable right now and I think once these two issues are resolved I will begin to feel a bit more calm. I need to lessen my life, not add more baggage. That was the whole purpose of this year and I haven't felt that I needed it until just this moment.
No more. I'm going out tonight and tomorrow with my girls. It's Lacey's birthday tomorrow and we're stealing her away for two nights in Palm Springs. I'm excited but at the same time, I almost don't want to go. I don't want to get drunk with strangers and make out and give my number to men. I don't want to.
So, I won't. I will come back with lots of great stories, but hopefully the best ones don't involve me...
Arghhhhh! Off to write an email..