Old Friends, New Flames

August 3, 2009.

1:22am

Whenever I miss more than one day of blogging you can tell there's lots going on. It's always the exciting days that I don't have time to blog.

Cliff Notes:

Todd has used up his last chance
I have to restart my “abstinence” counter (old habits die hard)
May be starting something interesting with an old friend
Still pretty stressed

Um, to expand a little. Text Todd on friday night inviting him to come hang out with me and my friend who was visiting. No response. It's officially monday and still haven't heard from him. No excuse for this, especially since he's the one that really wanted to give 'us' a go. I give way too many chances. That was Todd's last. I promise!

I got drunk out of anger on friday night, don't remember half of the evening, but do know that I booty called CRAgent we got our groove on. He's really quite cute and sweet. But i've only seen him about three times now and I've always been drunk. I can't quite bridge the gap into hanging out while sober.

Hung out with, North, an old friend from college last night. He's lived in L.A. for about three years now and I saw him very briefly when I first came out, but haven't seen or talked to him since. He's been in a relationship with the same girl since I met him my freshman year of college. I've always enjoyed his company and despite his many “issues”, I think he's a really great guy. Well...he's single now. And in my opinion, I had one of the greatest nights I've had in L.A. with him last night.

We were drinking with Ann, who was in town visiting me these past few days. We all went to college together. So we went to North's place, grabbed some dinner and then a bottle of vodka and got a bit tipsy. Ann was clearly all over North. I'm sure she's always had a crush on him, he's great, he's talented, he was in a band...she's a sucker for that. But Ann has quite the 'tude and can be difficult to get along with sometime. She clearly annoys the hell out of North. So, I just sat back and watched as North sent me messages with his eyes and Ann flopped all over North. Later, after Ann was passed out and North and I were spending a quiet moment with a glass of water in his kitchen, he told me that I'm “really good at acting disinterested.”

That I am. It's called my defense mechanism.

Well, North and I kissed. I've known him for 7 yrs now and nothing has ever happened between us until last night. It was really, really, really great. And I have not been able to stop thinking about it all night. I'm dying to hang with him again and dying to know how he feels about what transpired.

It was just such a genuinely sweet evening. We kissed a lot. I wouldn't even call it 'making out' because it was filled with more care and less lust. He's a great kisser. Man. Even writing this I'm zoning out because I'm just thinking of how great it was.

Ann had passed out in his bed, so he and I crashed together on the floor. However, we didn't want Ann to know anything had gone on between us, so in the morning time, we acted completely cool. She asked as we left his place, “Did anything happen with you guys?” and I casually said, “No”.

But wow. Whatever that was, was pretty freakin' great.

Now, worries that I have about the situation. North is incredible. He hasn't really been single since he was about 15...um, yeah. So, I don't want to rush him into something he's not ready for. But, he was the one doing all this relationship talk last night and explaining how he's just so tired of L.A. and will never fit in because he's not just looking to get laid.

Despite what this blog leads you to believe, I really am not looking to just get laid either. I really truly do want something meaningful and worthwhile. I think I could have this with North.

And, sure, I know what you're all thinking, “Let's not get ahead of ourselves.” I'm really going to try to take things slow with him. As slow as I can handle.

I actually get nervous when I think about sex with him because we've known eachother for so long, it could either be incredible or a really bad idea. So, I'm gonna put that on the back burner until I'm totally ready.

Emotionless sex is easy. It's when you truly care about someone that it gets complicated...

Things I don't want to forget about last night:

The way his eyebrows would lift up as if totally surprised every time I kissed him
When he made me lean in to kiss him so that he would “know I was kissing him and not vice versa”
“Truth time”
Pinky swearing that if we felt awkward in the am we'd be honest
Him telling me, “You smell really good...sorry, was that creepy?”
Him taking pictures of us, because he wanted to remember this moment
How hugging him just felt right
The way he cupped his hands around my chin and pulled me in for each kiss
He told me I'm the perfect height
He was wearing a shirt that has batman and robin kissing, so I said, “So, I guess I'm Robin...” and he replied, “If that means I'm Batman, hell yeah.”
He joined in when I did “runway” down his apt. hall
I told him he's “fun” (refer back to Lacey's and my conversation about Todd and other boys not being “fun enough”) North totally is.

Think I need to see him again tomorrow. Haven't felt this way about a guy since the infamous ex and I started dating...eek. Scary shit.