What a weekend...

June 7, 2009.

So, I totally meant to write yesterday, but life has a way of being crazy busy these days. Here's a little game I like to call “catch-up”:

Friday night after work, I ran to Ralph's and grabbed some stuff to make dinner with Todd at his place. It was nice. His roommate, Kit, ate with us. She's alone for the weekend because her boyfriend (Todd's other roomie) is out of town. I haven't seen her for about a year, since the last time Todd and I were hanging out. Todd invited her over to my place on saturday(last night) cause I was having a get together. She was noncommital about it and later, Todd informed me that she had to ask permission from her boy. What??!!?!?!?

How twisted is that? Todd was disgusted by this and that night when we were heading to bed he said, “If I ever make you ask permission to do something...”

I finished his sentence, “I'd never talk to you again.” Today Todd referred to Kit as a prisoner. Weird. I mean, she's been with this guy for the past year and half now. Makes you wonder...does she like this treatment? Is that why she's stayed with him for so long. Also, maybe the perks are what makes her stay. She lives, rent free in a very nice apt. in Santa Monica and gets to go on about 4 vacations a year through her boyfriends work. (I'd have also been on those vacay's had Todd and I lasted).

Well, I spent friday night at Todd's. We made out, got nakey, but didn't have sex. I've decided I'm not gonna have sex with him unless he uses a condom. He was getting awful close and I wasn't about to ask. I want him to know that he has to wear one without having to tell him. As soon as he got too confident, I stopped him and he apologized. I think he got the picture. But I couldn't believe he didn't say anything like, “Should I get a condom?” or “Do you have a condom?” or anything! What is that? Well, no sex on friday.

Saturday (yesterday) was jam-packed full of activity. I was super busy and almost wanted to explode. I had planned on having people over last night for a game night. Originally it was gonna be real chill and just a few people. Then it exploded into a party with beer pong and everything. Oy. Lil' bro turned on the techno and things got loud. I was freaking out a little.

Pete came over and so did Todd. I wasn't really PDA with Todd all that much, but I kept getting these weird glances from Pete whenever I was talking with Todd. Jess came over to me at one point and said, “Pete's cute as a button!” and I told her, here in lies my dilemma:

Pete's a great guy, a lot of fun, funny, nice, but I'm not so much attracted to him. But I really do honestly see myself with a personality like that. Then there's Todd. He's very attractive, but sometimes pretty dull and has some habits that irritate the shit out of me, already. Now, if I could just have Todd's looks with Pete's personality, I'd be happy.

It's not that Todd isn't fun, it's just that he's older and wiser and over his goofy, crazy, boy stage.

Anywho, I sort of think that Pete was planning on staying over or something because when he got up to leave it was weird, because, he was pretty drunk. I didn't like the thought of him driving. But, I'm pretty sure that he got the hint by the end of the night that I was into Todd.

Todd slept over. He said, “I want you so bad...” I said, “Will you wear a condom?”

Ha, I feel like an afterschool special. Well, we did the deed. It was fun. I enjoyed it. And I've learned that when a guy is taking too long to cum, the five magic words whispered seductively in his ear are: “I want you to cum!” Bingo.

Todd freaked out for a moment after because he thought the condom had broke. It didn't. But, I couldn't help but laugh a little inside because why would he care since last year he was all gung-ho, no condom needed.

Well, waking up next to him this morning was a little better than yesterday morning. I could not sleep on friday night. I tossed and turned and even considered getting up at 4am and just leaving. But last night I was a bit more comfy. And it was nice being next to him.

Went for a walk with Lacey today and she goes, “What's holding you back?” I haven't really thought of it that way yet, I just kept thinking, 'well, I must just be over it.' But maybe I'm just protecting myself from actually falling for another guy. Maybe I don't want to be heartbroken again and the easiest way to avoid heartbreak is to not have feelings for anyone. Hmm...maybe I'm what's holding me back.

He wants to do dinner and a movie tonight. I'm in and kind of excited. It's weird (that is the word of the day) because it's like physically I have a boyfriend right now, but not emotionally. Usually its the other way around for me. Huh. Maybe I've forgotten how to have a boyfriend in the physical realm.



Oh my gosh...how could I forget the most crazy part of the weekend??? The cops busted my party last night. It was the stupidest thing ever...there were 10 ppl. Literally (i counted) in my apt last night and two cops opened my front door and told me that we really had to keep it down or else they'd be back with a citation. WTF? I hate my neighbors. It was 2am on a saturday night and ten people. I'm moving. Either because I'm going to receive an eviction notice this week or because I'm about to find a better place to live. Ugh.

Dream Analysis

June 5, 2009.

I had these wild dreams last night involving the infamous ex (he who shall remain nameless). Strange, because I don't often think of him anymore and it leads me to wonder, who/what he was representing in last nights dream.

In the dream we were having a very childish feud. A game of pranks that would continually piss one person off leading the other to retaliate. The very last thing he did to piss me off was buy drinks for two girls that were at the bar with us and had the waitress bring me the change. I don't really understand this either, but it made me so upset that I grabbed the five dollar bill the waitress was handing me, crumpled it up and shoved it into the whiskey drink he was having – I suppose to ruin the money and the drink, right?

Then I proceeded to run away from the bar and he followed, caught up with me, tackled me and we lay on the sidewalk outside the bar and I just said, “Arrrgggghhh!!!! I can't do this anymore!” and he, while sitting on top of me, looks down and with all earnestness says with a sigh, “Me either.” Then rolls off of me and there we had it. We had driven each other to insanity and couldn't take a moment more. It was mutual anger and distress and we both knew there was nothing left of “us”.

I love analyzing other peoples dreams, when I know them well enough to know what's going on with their lives, so maybe I can analyze my own...let's see:


Well, obviously the ex is someone that brings me non-stop frustration. So I'm experiencing frustration from someone or something in my life. I must feel as if I'm in continual competition with this person, always trying to one up them, but never truly succeeding. I know in my heart this must stop, but just haven't said it aloud yet. So, what am I competing for? Who or what am I frustrated with?

The only thing that kept popping into my head while writing that was: Nikki. It's not so much that I'm mad at her or frustrated, but I do think at times it's difficult because when we go out, I always go out with the mindset of: “Well, she's better than me in every way, so I just won't hope/expect to meet anyone tonight.” And even though she's a very humble person, there is no self doubt in her that she can get whoever she sets out to get. I hate competition, especially with friends. So when it arises in any fashion, I'm always the first to back down. I will never, ever compete for a boy. I will never, ever try harder to get a guys attention. If he's not going to acknowledge me for who I am, then he's not worth it. I don't chase.

It's bad because I know this thought has frequented my mind lately: I often think about when I meet someone I really like and who seems to really like me, I don't want them to meet Nikki, in fear that they'll start questioning why they liked me at all. I know this is silly. Nikki and I are completely different people and wonderful in our own ways. It's just hard in this materialistic, self-centered, looks are all that matter world of LA to see and understand what I have to offer every time an attractive guy walks our way and strikes up a convo with Nikki.

Well, I guess I figured it out. This sucks, because I love Nikki to death and I know she would never, ever do anything to hurt me or our friendship and vice versa. But sometimes I just want to shout, “Leave some for the rest of us!!!” Ha.

I need to do something for myself today and the rest of the week to make myself feel valuable. Thinkin' about getting a haircut today and perhaps my tattoo (that I've been dreaming of) next week. That'll help at least temporarily...

As for now, on to exercise!!

If I were Invisible...

June 4, 2009.

Wow. So, where did I leave off?

Worked yesterday and so tired of having people I work with tell me, “When it's right it'll happen.” “When you stop looking is when love will find you.” “Give off positive energy and people will be more attracted to you.” Blah blah blah blah.

Ok, so I've stopped looking. I'm a very positive person, I'm patiently waiting for the timing to be right. Stop it!

Felt like a joke last night. I was the only server on and every single table I got was a date. Haha, ok, I get it universe, very funny. Then the ipod we have at work started playing, “You're nobody till somebody loves you...”. I hate that this is how society feels.

Ugh. Anywho, on a brighter note, I had the most fantabulous day with my girls. We all had the day off and decided to spoil ourselves. And spoil ourselves we did. We went to Paradise Cove in Malibu and managed to befriend a few boys here and there. But no numbers were exchanged (ok one number that Lacey got), just some friendly convo.

Then we ended the night at the Whiskey a go-go. We went because Pete invited me a week ago since he knew the band that was playing. I agreed to go, because I've been feeling rather guilty about not seeing/hanging with him for so long. I want to be friends with him still, I've just been so ridiculously busy and I feel like him, Miguel and Lee are all taking it personally and if I don't see them soon, then they'll all be out of my life completely.

It was ok, but I just felt as if the entire crowd was 18 and under and I felt too old to be there. Plus, I love Nikki, but man it gets frustrating when every single guy gravitates toward her. I don't stand a chance at meeting guys when I'm out with her. One guy didn't even see me. Literally, I was invisible. Ugh.

So, I could've done without the Whiskey tonight, as I'm sure all the girls would agree, but we had our fun.

Called Todd on the way to the show, returning his call from earlier. He was quite cute, he said, “I feel like I haven't seen you in a month!”

And I told him I'd text him when I was heading home to see if he's still awake and I did, actually hoping to see him, and of course, he was asleep and didn't hear my text.

I just couldn't help but think all night, after being surrounded with a-holes, 'what's so bad about having a guy that's actually in to me? Why shouldn't I spend some time around someone who really enjoys my company?'

Oy, so a little while later he text me, he must've woken up and seen my missed texts and responded, “I'm awake! Shit, always missing u...k, ttyl.”

But, I called him back. I was already for bed, but I figured I owed him a call and I wanted to make plans for tomorrow with him. So, I work until about 9:30ish and then we're gonna hang out.

Oh man, and I remembered something I haven't told anyone yet...not even you my blog followers. The other night, I guess it was Saturday, when Todd was sleeping over, I was having trouble falling asleep and I was tossing and turning a bit and all of a sudden, Todd started mumbling and very clearly said, “ Mmm, I miss Pug.”

Um, excuse me?? Ha, he was thinking/dreaming/subconsciously missing his dog. Well, it's his roommates dog. But, it was really weird to hear him mutter that in his sleep. I mean, I get it, Pug is the only one he's slept with continually in the past two years. But really?? Weird...

Ok, just thought that was pretty funny.

Also, on a random note, Encino text me tonight. Kind of got excited about that. Haven't seen him since February and I do believe he's single now...so, there's that. But, I'm not looking, remember? Hell, naw!

Goodnight.

Eau de Desperation

June 3, 2009.

Well, I feel like my eyes have been opened a little today. I went to an acting class where I proceeded to tell ten complete strangers a bit of my very personal history and the teacher asked if I was married, “No.” Seeing anyone? “No.” She asked because she noticed the ring. So, I then proceeded to explain how I've had the worst dating experiences in the past year and that I wear it because I'm taking this year to “Be about me and focus on my career.”

Speaking those words out loud reminded me how powerful it feels to be a single woman by choice. It's pretty great. However, all greatness comes with a little bit of hardship. So now I'm faced with the icky-ness of telling Todd this revelation. I'm not prepared to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now, because I can't even hold onto a serious relationship with myself. Does that make any sense?

I'd like to still hang out with him and spend time with his friends and be allowed to be “cuddly” or kiss him if I feel like it, but I do want to take sex out of the equation completely and perhaps no sleepovers. I'll revert back to high school where I wasn't allowed to have a boy in my bed and I had to be home eventually and under my own covers. Life was so much simpler then. Love was so much simpler then. Maybe this will be good for both of us (Todd and I) because we'll get to really know one another and see if there really is some great chemistry there before we get super serial.

Ugh. Back to ground zero I guess.

Well, I talked to Nikki and the other girls while at work yesterday and they filled me in on my forgotten moments of the night before. Apparently, after I made out with that guy and found out he had a girlfriend, he tried to talk to Nikki and told her, “I really like your friend, I don't want her to think I'm a jerk or anything, I think she's really attractive and...” blah blah blah. I guess his friend (the one that Nikki ended up spending the night with) told her that he really is a great guy and he's sort of in the process of breaking it off with this other girl. Nikki just said, “Whatever, it doesn't matter, that was just really crappy timing. Not the right month for that to happen.”

It's just hard to not get down on myself when this shit continually happens. Ok, so here are the extremes: Irene gets wasted and makes out with strange guy who happens to be in a relationship. Nikki goes out, hits it off with the guy from the band, spends the entire night with him, is smitten and he texts her the next day saying things like, “You are stunning.”

She always has a guy ready to commit and tell her how wonderful she is and wanting to be her boyfriend. I, on the other hand, get jerk after jerk. Maybe it's the Eau de Desperation that I've been wearing lately. Trust me, I'm working on it!

Ok, world, watch out! Irene's back and she's ready to be single!!!

Irene Allison Checks into Rehab, Puts Feature Film on Hold.

June 2, 2009.

If I were a famous movie star already. I'd be checking into rehab this morning...

I had vodka. And redbull. I had vodka redbull. Which is kind of like speed in liquid form. I never drink that combo and think I probably never will again.

I didn't think I had that much, but wow. The night is a little blurry but I remember dancing, drinking, hitting on guys shamelessly, making out (I think) and then leaving the bar in tears. Correction, leaving the bar weeping. Woke up this morning confused as to how I even got into my own bed unscathed.

The tabloids would have read this morning: “America's Biggest Mess” and had a picture of me, drunk with mascara running down my face. Ha!

At least I'm laughing about it this morning.

Ok, so rewind to last night at 7:30. Todd text me and told me to go have fun and to carpool with the girls because that's half the fun! So brownie points. Then he told me I could still call him later. Well, this never works out because he always goes to bed early since he's a working man and gets up with the sunrise. However, on the way to the Viper Room, I text him and told him to make sure he stays up because I really want to see him later. He replied that he was pounding redbulls and watching youtube in order to stay awake for me. More brownie points.

The Viper was a lot of fun. The band was really good and we danced. A very handsome tall guy walked by me and I was only on my second drink (the first I had at home before we left) so I didn't think I was that drunk, but I was definitely feeling feisty. I looked him square in the eyes and said, “You're cute!”

“Thanks, so are you.” ~ Tall Dude

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Um, yeah.” and I walked back to the girls.

He passed again a little bit later and I grabbed his arm and said, “You're still cute, I didn't mean you weren't since you have a girlfriend.” and I think out of pity he proceeded to tell me that I was “beautiful”. We laughed and that was that.

Then after the Viper the guys in the band were heading down to another bar and told us to join. So we did. Oh yeah, back up. At the Viper, I had two vodka reds and hit on the bartender and left him my number. Why am I so lame when I drink? Ha, I think I told the 'tender that he had great “locks”. He had long black hair, it was rather sexy.

So on to this other bar. I must've gotten a drink. I don't remember having another one or why I had another one, but I must've. I remember striking up another conversation with yet another tall guy, I think he was from NY or something and so we had something to talk about. And then what I think happened was that I started making out with him. Don't remember if this was reciprocated or if I just pounced. Then I think I asked if he had a girlfriend and when he said “yes” I turned and walked away and then I remember weeping and having my girls around me consoling me. God, I turned into America's Most Pathetic Woman.

This is so not my style. It's like the Redbull took over my body last night and I had no control any longer. Out Demons! Out!

God what a weird night. I text Todd this morning apologizing for not calling last night and explaining that I had too much to drink and passed out when I got home. He responded:

“LOL, no prob girl! Haha. Seriously, you did call me at 1:30, I was half asleep, I couldn't hear you too well a lot of background noise and you were definitely wasted!! I like your style...reminds me of...me, ha. Get some rest!”

Oh no I didn't! Ugh. Alcohol cleanse, anyone? Now I feel like I can't ever go back to sunset. Ha! I know, I'm just being stupid. Every night there are twenty other girls that make even worse fools of themselves than I did.

I feel like I was such a brat last night. I need to get the whole story from Nikki tonight at work. If I find out anything juicier, I'll fill you in!

Foreshadowing??

June 1, 2009.

Happy June everyone! Halfway through the year! Holy Crow!

Well, I'm supposed to have dinner and a movie with Todd in an hour, but Nikki text me earlier saying that she's got us free tickets to the Viper room tonight and I'm kinda totally excited/more interested in doing that tonight.

I text Todd and told him that I forgot I had these plans with Nikki and would have to leave around “10:20ish” if he did still want to do dinner, but I didn't want “rush it”. So I lied. I feel bad about it. If we are about to start a relationship of any sort, I don't want to have lies be a part of it. No sir.

Haven't heard back from him yet, don't know if he wants to reschedule or still go ahead as planned. I'm a little nervous that he hasn't text me back yet, because I don't know what he wants! Is he upset?

Ugh. I guess it's probably not a great sign that I'd rather go out with my girls than hang out with him, but they're my girls. I'd be nowhere without them. I need them in my life more than I need a man right now. So...it's not really a tough choice. Plus, he keeps telling me that he loves that I'm so independent. Well, Miss Independent wants to go out tonight.

I'm sure he was expecting me to come over and spend the night and now that I have to leave, it changes the whole mood. I really wanna be able to do both, but we shall see. He better text me soon or I'm not gonna know whether or not to head down to his place!

Also, I just went to visit Nikki at work and Boss was there. I'm looking pretty slammin' right now, if I may say so myself (short shorts, see-through T and some hot red heels...) Boss was lookin'. Not gonna lie, I wanted him to notice. As I was leaving, he goes, “Do you have a date tonight?” And I said, “I do!” and kept walking and he goes, “Is that a yes?” and I said, “Yeah!” and as I walked out the door I heard him say, “Cause you look hot!”

Nice.

I couldn't help but laugh about it a little because, I'll be honest. I have a crush on Boss. I have since the first time I worked there (a year ago). But, I just never let it blossom or let it be known to anyone, because there was never a point. He's had the same girlfriend for as long as I've known him.

But now, I feel like we've taken our relationship to the next level of flirtatiousness where we both kind of know that we're “joking” but if the other wanted to be serious, we'd totally be ok with that.

And I just think it's funny how I can see a “Boss” chapter happening in my life eventually. Who knows when. Now is definitely not the time, but somewhere down the line. It's almost as if my life has foreshadowing in it. Bizarre...

P.S. Thanks for all your comments on my previous blogs. I really do like to know your thoughts on my stories. It's fun to see the responses and even the tough love! Keep 'em comin'!

Romance is not dead...

"Thank you for a perfect weekend! Sat night & this morning were amazing. Can't wait to see you again. Raving about you all day;)" ~Todd

Got home about an hour ago and this was an email that Todd had sent me along with this picture of the rose he bought me last night. We were leaving The Great Greek and a woman approached us selling flowers for a ridiculous $10 a piece. Todd of course opened his wallet and bought me one. When we got into his car I said, "Do you remember that you bought me a rose the night we met?"

"Of course I do." He's definitely a romantic.

Well, I forgot the rose in his car, but he saved it for me and it's waiting at his apt. Very sweet. We have plans to hang out tomorrow night. I'm still a bit hesitant about it all, but I do know that all night I've been thinking about him and wanting to see him again as soon as possible. So that's a good sign.

Alright, way past my bedtime. I've got things to do in the morning, so adieu, I'll update tomorrow!