Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Begin and End Period

April 8, 2009.

It’s 5:42am and I can’t sleep anymore. I went to bed semi early after a drunken phone conversation with Seattle where I proceeded to tell him that I haven’t had my period in a year because of the birth control I was on. Why that came up or was something relevant I felt I needed to say? Who knows…

Our phone conversations have turned into a series of sighs and moans. No, not in that sense! In the sense that we’re so frustrated by our situation that we no longer know quite what to say other than, “Why can’t you live here! Grrrr….” The count is down to 9 days. 9 days till I hop a flight and land in the arms of Seattle. I’m still very very excited, I just don’t know what to think anymore.

Todd text me Monday night while I was at work suggesting we do dinner and a movie Tuesday (yesterday). I told him, “Tuesday’s kind of booked.” I had already made dinner plans with Pete, Lee, Miguel and Lil’ bro. And I thought of offering an alternative date, but then stopped myself. I stopped because I realized doing that would be leading Todd on. I don’t even know what’s really going on with me and Seattle and I don’t need to complicate my life anymore. I think that was a common trap I would fall into last year. I was never really attached to any one particular guy, so I would go on dates with many and then end up having two or more guys thinking I was their girlfriend. Not gonna happen again.

I feel also, that my mind is becoming mush. I think it’s due to my alcohol intake, lack of world news, i.e. t.v. and nonexistent reading habits. I need to get smarter!

Seattle and I were chatting aka sighing and grunting the other night and he said something about one of my past blogs. Apparently, I wrote something in there about not “needing” someone in my life, but “wanting” them in my life and he started mumbling something about him “needing” and stopped himself and said, “Ugh, we’ll talk about it when you get here.” That phrase has come up a lot these days…

Last night too, he said, “I just want to be able to have a normal relationship with you.” Me too!! It’s been so long since I’ve had a “normal” relationship with someone. I feel as though I’m destined to always be in weird situations where I don’t have a “normal” relationship. It’s pretty unfair.

Also, I realized just a few minutes ago that I do believe I will be having my period when I go visit him. Which I have to chuckle at because even if I had decided that I was going to give him my newly founded v-card, I couldn’t. I think I’ve decided though that I’m not going to. I’m going to remain abstinent. My reasons are, as much as I would enjoy making love to him, I would be much more satisfied with myself if I waited until I was in a more stable relationship. One where I wasn’t going to fly into town, have sex and then leave, not knowing the next time we’d be together. It would feel somewhat pointless and that would defeat the whole purpose of my year of abstinence.

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