Thursday, April 23, 2009

Paranoia sets in...

April 23, 2009.

So, I’m being a stupid girl right now. I had a frustrating day. Spent most of it in tears (could also be PMS…damn Aunt Flo), and all I want is to hear Seattle’s voice on the other end of the phone.

I called him earlier today whilst in tears and he managed to make me smile and laugh a bit. I text him again just about an hour ago because I’m still frustrated about the same issue and he text me back: “It’s ok, I understand…and if you want to talk about it I am out of class.”

Immediately, I decided in my paranoid, obnoxious mind that he didn’t want me to call. If he wanted to talk to me, he’d pick up the phone and call me. I’m used to guys that I date freaking out the second I show any other emotion rather than happy, positive, optimistic Irene. So, this is what I assumed. He must be freaking out and not know what to do with this foreign emotion I’m showing.

And, I’m sure this is not true at all, but here I sit an hour after he text me, freaking out that he hasn’t called. Granted, I didn’t respond to his last text. So in reality he probably just thinks I’m busy or dealing with something and unavailable at the moment.

But in my crazed out head right now, it means he’s over it and this relationship is doomed.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Nikki invited me out for drinks after work tonight and I couldn’t bring myself to go. I was just on the verge of tears every five seconds. I also don’t want her man to get the impression that I’m some depressed friend she has, because literally 3 out of the last 5 times we’ve all hung out, I’ve been in tears (BM#1’s phone call, visit to Seattle, and now this, girlfriend drama.)

2009 was going so well…what am I doing that’s making it turn for the worse all of a sudden?

I feel like I’m being punished for being honest about my feelings. Sorry for the vagueness of the content of my frustration. I just don’t want to fix the issue and then have it arise again, because I wrote about it. Oh fuck it, Lee was a b*tch to me today. Granted, I could have been nicer in recent interactions with her, but she’s over reacting about something that has absolutely nothing to do with her. Now, I’m in the position of having to apologize for doing nothing wrong. What the fuck? Ok, that’s all I’m gonna say.

This blog is meant to be about my boy drama and adventures…not for catfights.


In boy news: While working tonight, I wore a little green dress, that probably revealed a little more than I should've while hosting, but I got dressed in a hurry and through blurry tear filled eyes. Anywho, it caused one old Armenian man to propose to me when he walked in the door. He said, "Will you marry me?" And I said, "Are you rich?" Which achieved the laugh I was going for.

Then a guy who was sitting at the bar awhile stopped me and asked why I wasn't wearing black (like the others) and I told him, "I'm the hostess, I wear whatever I want". To which he reached out and pinched my arm in a sort of "wearing green when it's not st. pat's day" flirtatious move. Then when he got up to leave he introduced himself to me as Mr. X and when I told him my name, he was shaking my hand and leaned in real close and just went, "Mmmmm..."

Yeah...these are my options: Old Armenians and mmmmMr. X.

*moved my ring back over to the left.


  1. You sure do cry a lot... hmmm... That is true, if my girl cried a lot I would start feeling guilty/worried/frustrated aka freaking out.

  2. This is from the link:

    Dear Alice,

    Are there any techniques for controlling crying? I doubt that my problem requires clinical attention; however, it frequently manifests itself as a serious handicap. During conflicts (particularly with professional superiors or with significant others), I find myself unable to defend my position, which only makes the problem worse. Sympathy only tends to aggravate the crying and it is impossible to stop once it starts. I am a twenty-four-year-old graduate student, and I don't seem to be growing out of it. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

    Dear Reader,

    Conflict is a normal and healthy part of any relationship. It's bound to occur, even in the best personal, professional, or casual relationships, as people enter these interactions with various life experiences and opinions. Examples of conveying conflict in a negative way can include yelling, screaming, breaking things, or name-calling. It could also be more passive-aggressive, such as making sarcastic comments, glaring, ignoring the other, or something similar. As you can see, the difficult part can be learning to express your feelings in the midst of a conflict without losing your cool, exploding, saying things you don't mean, or, in your case, crying. Sobbing at inopportune moments might feel like a serious handicap, but it happens to many people. It's helpful that you seem to recognize when, under what circumstances, and with whom your crying happens. Being able to identify what often triggers your weeping is an excellent first step in helping you control the urge to cry whenever conflict arises.

    If you can think of conflict as a normal part of life, it might make it seem less intimidating. Learn to find other sources for responding to conflict by visualizing. Envision a situation with a partner or co-worker that could send you into tears. Imagine staying calm and taking some deep breaths. Picture yourself stating your feelings and thoughts in a calm, confident manner. It may sound too good to be true, but research shows that repeated visualizations of acting in a way that is contrary to our normal behaviors or responses can actually change the manner in which we react.

    Write down all of the situations that have elicited crying for you in the past. What was it about the circumstances that made you cry? Find some things that you can say to express your feelings without getting choked up. Here are some examples you can use or adapt to particular situations:

    When you feel frustrated or angry at a supervisor at work, imagine some things you could say, such as, "I appreciate your feedback on _____. I was hoping we could include my input in the annual report as well."
    At a meeting when you disagree with someone, you could say something like, "Jack, I liked what you said about X and our company could definitely address that issue. I'm also thinking that we need to address Y so that we can prevent _____ in the future."
    Or, imagine that you're with your partner and you feel yourself getting teary-eyed because you're angry or frustrated. Try saying, "Honey, I don't agree with what you just said and I'm feeling angry. I need a minute to collect my thoughts so that we can talk about this and come to a solution." Telling your partner about your difficulty expressing conflict will hopefully make him or her more understanding, and give you the time and space you may need to collect your thoughts.
    Rethinking your dilemma as a challenge to overcome, rather than as a serious handicap that prevents you from reaching your goal(s), may also be useful to you. Framing it as something that you can prevail over could give you the confidence to tackle the problem without feeling hopeless. For example, many have been able to successfully deal with anger management problems, a fear of public speaking, or whatever it may be that holds them back. So, view your crying as one way that you've been expressing challenging feelings, and now you're going to learn a different way of communicating that is more effective for you and still allows you to express how you feel, all the while maintaining your composure.

    Talking with a counselor could help bring you some relief. Together you can explore the origins of your conflict resolution (or lack of) style that can shape how you communicate as an adult. Columbia University students can reach Counseling and Psychological Services (CPS) at x4-2468. If you're not a college student, try the services of a therapist, counselor, psychologist, social worker, or psychiatrist in your area.

    Good luck. Don't forget to be easy on yourself. You're learning new skills, and just like learning anything new, it takes time and practice.

  3. Hi Irene. I cry a lot too but I'm starting to realize it does more bad than good. It makes good situations bad and bad situations worse and it makes me think of all crazy scenarios that doesn't make any sense. I hope you find the strength to consistently stay optimistic.