Forgive Yourself

April 24, 2009.

Well, lots to say today. First of all. This was crazy. So, I was on the phone last night/early this morning (12:45 am) talking with Seattle. I had brought up the incident with Pete because it’s been on my mind a lot lately and it makes me really upset because I feel as though I betrayed his trust even before we began. It makes me feel shitty. I can’t stop apologizing.

Seattle’s wonderful and reassures me that it’s ok, it’s in the past and it was before we had “defined” our relationship. He just says it hurts that I didn’t tell him the whole truth about that night and he had to find out about it in a blog. I get it. It sucks. Well, we ended the conversation on a high note, but I couldn’t help but still be a little upset. I’m just mad at myself. Well, here’s the irony. Not more than two minutes after hanging up the phone Pete calls. I press the silencer and ignore it.

I have no need to hear what he has to say and if it’s important, he’ll leave a message. He leaves a message. I listen and I hear this sincerely sweet message saying, “Hey Colleen, it’s Pete, sorry, I think I missed your birthday by an hour. Um, if I didn’t then please excuse this message, but I think I did. I mean, uh, I’m in Syracuse right now, I had to fly home for something. Um, but I just woke up, I was asleep and I woke up and it’s four in the morning, I’m like ‘fuck, I think I missed Colleen’s birthday’ so I just figured I’d give you a call and maybe catch you out partying or something. But, you didn’t answer, so anyways I hope you had a good birthday if it was your birthday and I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

I wish I could put a tone of voice in this blog so you all could hear how endearing the message was. He sounds so vulnerable in it. Kind of broke my heart a little. Well, I didn’t call him back. I text him this morning and told him I got his message and he didn’t miss my birthday. It’s not till tomorrow. I know he flew home for a funeral, so I feel kind of guilty that I haven’t answered his phone calls. I worry that he needs a friend and I haven’t been much of one since that night. Ugh.

Anywho, today I tried to be uber productive and semi-succeeded. I had work this evening and towards the end of the night one of the regulars was seated at the bar and randomly asked, “Will you box with me?”

“Um, what kind of boxing?” I asked

“Like, we get into a ring, with gloves and everything, but topless.”

I didn’t know what else to do but laugh. We continued to have a rather ridiculous conversation about how much we would charge for people to come and watch and he said $35/ticket would be sufficient. I disagree! My breasts are more valuable than that. He referred to them as “cute”. Cute? He said, “That boy of yours in Seattle better be anxious to get back to LA for those!!” Oh man. Now, this guy is quite the character, so he wrote out how he feels about my breasts or “tittays” as he calls them, signed the piece of paper and had Nikki be his witness. Here’s what the document reads:

‘On this 24th day of April during the year of our assumed lord b*tches, 2009, A** M** aka Regular, swears on the value of his cock and balls that Irene Allison’s tittay’s belong in a museum right next to a picture of my salivating tongue.’

Signed: Regular
Witness: Nikki

Such is my life…thank goodness for good men like Seattle. That way I know I don’t have to settle for someone like Regular. Oy. He’s fun but absolutely crazy.

Chatted with Seattle on my way home from work. We always end up having such ridiculously long conversations. I love it. He’s the best. I once again brought up Pete. Because I told him how he had called. I can’t help it; it still is just really bothering me. But I think Seattle hit the nail on the head. It’s bothering me because I haven’t resolved it completely with Pete. We hooked up. I went home the next day and we’ve hung out since, but I’m always a little bitchy because that’s how I feel I need to be in order to set boundaries. I think I just need to talk it out with Pete. Assure him that it won’t be happening again, but I still really want our friendship. Then we can go back to normal.

Things I really like about Seattle:

 He’s mature enough to not say, “You can’t ever talk to Pete again, I really don’t want you guys being friends.”
 He gives me advice on what to say to Pete, tactfully and nicely
 He calls be “Beau Sourire”
 He called me twice tonight because, “texting wasn’t good enough”
 He likes to read really smart things
 He makes me want to be smarter/he challenges me
 He understands that I’m overly emotional due to pms and it doesn’t freak him out one bit

Wow. I’m a pretty lucky girl.

K, off to bed. It’s my birthday tomorrow! Lots to do!