Bon Voyage.

April 11, 2009

I’m a heartbroken fool and a heartbreaker. It’s 1:30am and I’m waiting for Todd to call. He called and pleaded and begged for me to come out tonight. I had already made plans with Miguel and Lee and lil’ bro, so I told him it was unlikely that I’d be coming out. He kept telling me to text him my address so that he could call a cab and send it over to pick me up.

Why is it always too little too late?

He leaves tomorrow for a two week cruise and I leave in 6 days to visit a guy who is absolutely wonderful in every way and plays no games. And yet, here I sit, unwilling to go to sleep because Todd might call. Like he said he would. He called me about four times begging me to come out and I refused and made excuses.

I just don’t know what I want and what to do. Lil’ bro is taking shots with me right now and not gonna lie, it makes me want to text Todd and see if he does have any intentions of coming my way.

The last time he called because he was upset that I text him, “So, I would love to see you tonight, but it really isn't possible, so enjoy yourself and have a great trip. Call me when you get back.” He called sounding really upset and said, “I wish I wasn’t leaving tomorrow. I just want to spend time with you.” I’m sure it was because he was drunk. But he just seemed so upset that we weren’t hanging out before he leaves. I have to admit that, yes, I’m a little upset too, since it’s 1:47am and he’s not here, nor has he called. I just have so many things I don’t understand and I want to ask so many questions.

It’s probably for the better though; I should really go to bed right now so that I don’t call or text Todd. I want to be really good for Seattle. 6 days! That’s nothing. Of course, I wouldn’t have a sex, but if Todd did come over, a make-out sesh would be hard to avoid. Ugh, what is wrong with me???

I like Seattle with my whole heart and soul and I really have no desire for anyone else, but if there really is no future, then I would like to enjoy the here and now. I’m lonely. I need companionship.

I feel like Todd realized what he lost and now is freaking out and doesn’t know how to deal or what to do to get it back. And as much as I want to text or call him and find out why he’s not here right now, I don’t want to give him any help. I was so good earlier and told him “no”, but then he asked, “Well, can you at least text me your address so that I can come over there?” And I of course said, “Yes”. I text him my address and now I’m the super lame one who’s waiting by the phone.

I need to go to bed and dream of Seattle’s arms around me. That’s where I feel calm and complete.

Goodnight. Bon Voyage.