Thursday, April 23, 2009
April 23, 2009.
I just changed my status on myspace from “Single” to “In a Relationship”. Still feels a little unreal. But, for some stupid reason, in this technologically run world, changing it on myspace makes it a bit more real. People will know now. I can’t help but wonder how will “the ex” react? Will he be sad? Hurt? Can’t help but hope so. I know, you’d think I’d be over it after almost two years, but a part of me is still angry.
But, let’s not focus on that. Seattle has read all of my blogs to date and I went through them, doing a bit of editing and clean up and I couldn’t help but feel bad. Some of the things I wrote sound so careless and cruel. He told me again on the phone tonight that he feels “jealous”, which is so weird for him, because he’s not a jealous person. I asked if he thought it might be due to the fact that we’re so far apart and things are a bit out of his hands.
I told him I never want to do anything that makes him jealous and I’m completely sincere when I say that. I really, really care about him and I refuse to do stupid things that may jeopardize “us”. Granted I did stupid things in the days leading up to my visit to Seattle. And I hate to make excuses, but I was still confused and uncertain. I was worried to put all my eggs in one basket.
But now I feel confident and happy and I like thinking, “I’m Seattle’s girl”. And I’m ok going to sleep in my bed alone and I’m ok without drunken makeout sessions and I’m ok without going on dates because I know I have a wonderful guy that’s daydreaming of me. Just knowing that we’ve committed to eachother makes such a difference.
Don’t think we’ll be seeing one another again until late May. So I have about another month of celibacy ahead of me…then a weekend of incredible sex? I hope so.
Also, Seattle challenged me tonight. He called me out on the fact that I’m not very good at expressing what I need sexually. I’m great expressing myself physically, but I can’t verbalize it very well. I’ve never thought about this, because no one’s ever brought it to my attention. He made me describe to him; or rather he described and asked if he was correct, the way I can get myself to orgasm while having sex. I was blushing over the phone when he described to a T the actions that I would need to take. How does he know? It’s so weird. I like that he’s so professional, yet so comfortable talking about such intimate material.
On another note, he apparently was talking with his brother James after my visit and told him about being sick all day Sunday. James jokingly said, “You know, fever, chills, flu-like symptoms…first signs of HIV.”
Not funny at all, James. Seattle laughed at this, but it’s hard for me to make a joke of such a thing. I know have that thought planted in my brain and want to go to the doctor and get every test possible just to make sure there are no ugly surprises around the corner. Stupid James…not funny.