Confusion and Cocktails.

July 18, 2009.


I was on a roll, I was doing so good and then I had to go and get drunk last night.

(To the tune of “What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...”) What a mess, what a mess, what a mess, what a mighty big mess!!!!!

Went out after work with Nikki, Miguel, lil' bro and his friend who's visiting from Minnesota. We went to Rocco's. Saw some guys that were at C's earlier celebrating a birthday, so we introduced ourselves and started up a conversation.

Earlier that night I had hoped to see Todd, however, he at the last minute changed plans, which upset me a bit because I got off work a little early and was excited to see him. I didn't want to wait. I'd been waiting since Monday to see him! So in a grumpy state of mind, I resolved to not see him at all.

He had been texting me and calling and I ignored him for a little. So, back at Rocco's, I'm in a conversation with the birthday boy from C's and in walks Todd and his entourage. He was pissed. I could see it in his eyes even though he wasn't saying it.

I went over and said hello and hugged everyone, etc, etc. Then, in walks Laurie and Madrid. Oh F*ck. So, I'm surrounded by men and two of them from my past/present, who don't know anything about the other and I don't want either of them to know about the other, so I'm trying to do the rounds without looking or being too flirtatious with anyone. Ugh.

Well, I think I successfully pissed off Todd to the point where he didn't want to be around me anymore. He left with his friends to go to a different bar down the street. This kind of upset me also. But really, I was just creating drunken drama.

I resolved not to let Todd bother me and still have a good time flirting with boys. That I did. I chatted a bit more with Laurie and Madrid, who threw in another comment about how I'm always “surrounded by guys” whenever he sees me out and he wondered, “Which one of these is your boyfriend.” To which I strongly replied, “None of them!”

After Laurie and Madrid headed out, Nikki and I exchanged numbers with the Birthday boys and told them they needed to come out with us tonight...I proceeded to text the number I received with the following message: “You're hot! Let's make out tomorrow night!”

Ugh. I'm an ass.

Nikki and I decided we're going back to my place with lil' bro, Miguel and friend from Minnesota. Oh god, why do we do the things we do when we are drunk!

I'm gonna just make a long story short. Miguel headed out about an hour later, friend from Minnesota ended up in bed with me and as for lil' bro and Nikki...well, yeah, they made out.

But, this was not before a drunken Todd climbed over my gate and arrived at my apt unannounced. I was in the living room making out with friend from Minnesota (ew...never would've done it sober) and Nikki bursts in (she was out having a smoke) to announce that Todd is there and save my ass from being caught. Todd comes in and we immediately go to my room to talk. He was pisssssssed! We proceeded to have a heated conversation about “us”. I proceeded to weep and beg him to stay the night, which he refused. Then after he left, I had friend from Minnesota “lick my wounds.” Ew again. Why oh why!

Ok, well, we didn't have sex, for the record. We tried, but (thank God) he couldn't get it up from drinking too much. But we fooled around and we woke up on opposite sides of the bed and haven't spoken yet since the incident. I left early to retrieve my car from C's and him and lil' bro have been at the beach all day. I'm not looking forward to when they come home tonight. Awkward...at least he leaves tomorrow.

Alright, so where does that leave Todd and I? Who knows! He's been golfing all day and I have to work later, so I probably won't be seeing him until tomorrow. I'm such an ass and I feel like a fool. I do wish that he had just stayed and slept over, that way I wouldn't have friend from Minnesota on my list now.

I went to coffee this morning with Lacey and told her all about the debauchery that was last night. We discussed my options with Todd. I think I've decided I can't be with him. Our lives just aren't working together. I never have time, he never has time and that's not going to change any time soon. Todd doesn't know I'm feeling this way yet, but I text him today to let him know we need to talk and we're planning for tomorrow, but I don't know if I can wait that long. I might try to see him tonight after work.

It's funny because a man from Lacey's past has all of a sudden resurfaced and wants a second chance and the similarities between him and Todd are unbelievable. And the way Lacey is feeling about her situation is exactly how I'm feeling about mine.

We like these two guys. They're both what you might call, “a great catch”. But we're not “crazy” about them. There's something missing and we both know what it is. They're not fun enough. They're not wild enough. They're not outgoing enough. They're both very “put together”. They are country clubs and we are dive bars. They are business men and we are servers. They are a bit “soft” and Lacey and I have balls. And yet, neither I nor Lacey are quite willing to just walk away. Somethings holding us down. We feel as if we need them for some reason.

I think I may have pinpointed what it is. I said that we don't want to let it go, because although it may not be great, it's good. And in L.A. when you find a guy who wants a relationship, you hold on, because that's rare. So, in a sense we'd both kind of be settling...but still happy, just not overjoyed.

I wanna be overjoyed. I want every inch of my body to crave that other human being. I want to desire that person in my life.

I'm exhausted. Nap time. More stories tomorrow.