Re-Focus

July 30, 2009.

1:00am. About to go to sleep. Lots of jargon (hehe, I like that word and it's not used nearly enough) on my mind. I have my very best friend from college visiting me for the evening. She's asleep in the living room next to a man I've never met before and she's only known for a month, 90% of which she has been on a road trip across America with him.

He seems really nice and she seems really happy. That's all that matters.

It's funny how when you see old friends you realize how much you've changed. I mean when me and Kasey get together, it's like no time has passed at all, yet I feel like I'm different in many ways. It's a strange feeling.

Nikki and I are going to look at apartments down in Manhattan again tomorrow. I still haven't told my roomie that we're moving out in a month. I know, I need to...like tomorrow. He needs to know so that he can also start making arrangements. I guess I'm just freaked because I know this will not be the greatest of news to him and I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I just hate disappointing people. It sucks.

But, I gotta look out for myself.

Todd text me tonight while I was at work: “When are you leaving to road trip up north?”

My response: “Well, we wouldn't be leaving until Sunday or Monday.”

No response from Todd.

I wanna be over it. I really do. But for some reason something just keeps me hanging on. Why is it that I just can't let go? I guess I just fear that we could have something really great and I could be just throwing it away...am I?

Befuddled. I think it's upsetting me so much because I actually care. I have feelings for Todd. I like him...a lot. It's just not going anywhere and I'm not sure it ever will.

**

So a funny thing about this blog is that I tell very little about myself other than my dating life and experiences with men. And I can't help but wonder, if I hadn't put so much focus on the man part from the beginning and just blogged about who I really am and what I really do, would I have been able to abstain and keep from dating this whole year? I think, yes. I think I would have found a deeper love for myself, since the focus would've been on me and how great I am (yes, I know, it sounds selfish and self-centered). I looked at this challenge all wrong, and now here I am halfway through my year, already failed my previous goal. Man, I'm a slow learner.

Now where does one go from here? Do I refocus my blog and tell you things you never knew about me? (Because, believe it or not, there are great things going on in my life that have nothing to do with men) or do I keep the focus on men because that's the theme and purpose of this blog? Then at the new year I can start a brand new blog with a brand new focus...

Opinions? Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Advice? Let me know!

Over the Valley...and through the B.S.

July 28, 2009.

Shouldn't have done it. I text Todd. It was 10:30pm and I was missing him. Text him to see if he was still awake. He responded that he was about to put down the book he was reading and head to bed. Not the response I wanted. Then asked when he was going to get to see me, to which I responded, “Was hoping tonight, but I guess not. Prolly not for a week.”

I have a friend visiting for the rest of the week, so I wasn't exaggerating and we may be taking a road trip to San Fran for a couple of days, so I really probably won't get to see Todd for a week.

Now, any sane person that had feelings for or was hoping to start a relationship with or wanted to show some form of emotion for someone else would have taken this opportunity to say, “That's not ok. I'm gonna come over now.” or “I can't wait that long. Come see me tonight!”

Well, then, Todd is not a sane person that has feelings for me or is hoping to start a relationship with me or wants to show me some form of emotion. He responded, “I feel like I'm being punished.”

I feel like I'm being punished. Well, so do I. I feel like the world is punishing me by handing me man after man that is void of showing me affection. Man after man that is void of wanting to be with me. Man after man that oggles my best friend and pretty much ignores the fact that I exist or have a personality too. Yes, world, I feel like I'm being punished.

I guess that's it for me and Todd. I just can't take it anymore. I'm not willing to sit around week after week in hopes of seeing him at least once and that one meeting just being mediocre. I am not ok with this. Todd, it's been fun. Better luck next time.

I did see Adain tonight, for the first time since that unforgettable evening back in February with Liam. Adain got back into town the other day and text me, so I suggested that we meet up at C's for dinner and catch up. He almost didn't come, but I think I made him feel guilty, which was not my intention at all. He came, we chatted, it was kind of weird.

Another man from my past called me tonight, Mack. I can't believe this, but he has not been in any of my blog posts this year! That is a shocker to me. He was a rather interesting part of my life last year. I won't go into detail, but I've known him almost as long as I've lived here now and long story short, he was in love with me and tried to date me last year the same time Tony came into my life. Tony won, but ever since Mack has been on a mission to get me drunk and sleep with me again. Yuck. Anywho, he called tonight and if I wasn't feeling lonely, I never would have answered. But I did and I offered to get together for a drink next week after my friend leaves town. Um...yeah it was a moment of desperation.

In other news: went to Laurel Tavern with Nikki and Mike tonight after work. 'E' from Entourage was there. He is in fact as adorable in person as he is on the show. I made no attempt to introduce myself. Mike introduced me to his director/writer friend, this arrogant son of bitch from Britain. Did I mention, I hate Hollywood?

Directors type? Funny you should ask, it's so original: young 20-something women. How old is Director? Oh, well, let me tell you! He's clearly in his late 40's. Did I mention I hate Men?

Gross. I can't wait to leave the valley and prove to Hollywood you don't have to suck dick to become successful. Can Not Wait!!!!

Opposing Forces

July 27, 2009.

Really want to see Todd tonight. I have such opposing forces at work inside me right now. Too bad this isn't an acting scene or it would be award winning.

Fact: I'd really like to see Todd tonight.
Fact: I don't know if I want to be his girlfriend.
Fact: I really want to abstain for the rest of the year successfully.
Fact: If I do start a relationship with Todd, not sure he'll be able to abstain along with me.
Fact: I still notice/think about being with other guys.
Fact: Todd is very comfortable to be with.
Fact: Todd genuinely wants to be with me.
Fact: I don't want to hurt him and am terrified that I will.

So, here I sit, not wanting to contact him because I have two ways to go about this. Contact him and hang out with him and potentially face the reality that we really shouldn't be together, or don't contact him, go MIA for a bit and he'll get the picture.

That's pretty shitty and I don't want to do that. I don't know what I want to do. I was feeling so focused on this topic last week when I hadn't spoken to Todd yet. I felt clear, focused, energized, optimistic, and happy. Now I'm back to be just plain confused again.

Blah. I want to be a robot with no emotions.

Different Kind of Heartbreak.

July 26, 2009.

Just said goodbye to Jess. She leaves L.A. tonight and leaves New Mexico for Hawaii in 6 days. I'm heartbroken. I cried, and still am crying. I feel like this past year has been magical because of my girls and now we're one down. It's pretty devastating.

I know I'll see her again, it's just kind of the end of an era. I've never felt a bond with a group of people quite like I do with these girls. When the four of us are together, we're unstoppable. Now that it's down to three...we're still pretty powerful, but we have a weakness.

I text Todd tonight while I was hanging with the girls at C's to see when he gets back from San Diego, where he was for a convention for work. He responded, “Just got back 20 min. ago.”

I just don't know. I don't know. I'm being stupid and pathetic and want to find everything wrong with the situation between us because I'm terrified to be in a relationship, yet crave one so bad. So, I got annoyed that he didn't respond, “Just got back, really want to see you!”

Then we text back and forth a tad bit and finally he asked, “Sleepover tonight?” to which I replied that due to lack of sleep and the glass of sangria which is floating around in my system, I'm incapable of driving. He informed me that he carpooled with his roommate and left his car at work. How inconvenient. Guess we're not having a sleepover tonight. Then this got to me and I just couldn't help but think, if he really wanted to see me, he'd make it happen.

I guess I know what I should do and need to do, I just don't want to do it. I desperately want to be held tonight. I'm really sad. But I want someone who understands to be holding me, not some stranger. And if I called up that person, it would have to be...

...someone I have yet to meet.

I want a man who makes me feel as beautiful and as powerful as my ladies do. I won't settle for less.

*Just realized I didn't fill y'all in on what happened Friday night. After I blogged about wanting Todd to contact me, he did. About 1am and after a couple beers he worked up the courage to text me. We had a quick back and forth which led to him coming over so that we could discuss what happened last weekend.

He came over, we hugged for what seemed like forever, then went to lay down in my bed and talked a little about what happened between us. He apologized for overreacting since, “We're not labeled.” and told me it made him realize that he truly has feelings for me.

I told him that I can't go back to the way things were because “it wasn't enough for me.” Meaning, I was really enjoying my time with him, but if we're spending every weekend together, I want to be able to spend weekdays together also. You can't have a relationship based on two days a week. He looked me square in the eyes and told me that he has complete and utter control over his schedule and if I want to see him more, he can make it happen. He had been giving me space, which my email said I wanted.

So, we snuggled all night long. Woke up next to eachother. He told me he loves waking up next to me. I said, “Ditto.” Then he went his way and I went mine. No call, no text, no nothing, until I text him tonight. Not good enough. I need more.

Something's Missing...

July 24, 2009.

Just got home from work, realized it's Friday and I have no plans. Sort of missing Todd. Still haven't contacted him and vice versa.


Sort of hoping he contacts me tonight, drunk or sober so that I have a reason to start communication again. It's been one week since that massacre of a weekend.

That is all.

"She's a Hater!"

July 24, 2009.

There is no better word to describe how I'm feeling right now, than 'SHIT'. I've had one of the most incredible days (yesterday technically) and yet right now, because of my past, I feel like shit. And not just the kind of human feces that comes out when you're eating a healthy diet full of veggies and fiber, but the kind that oozes out of a dogs derriere after he's eaten human food off the kitchen floor and knew he shouldn't, then a little kid accidentally runs through it while playing in the grass and his favorite shoes, which are now soiled with this oozy dog shit get thrown in the garbage and taken to a landfill, there to forever sit and stink amongst its own kind.

Ok, well let me back track.

Spent all day yesterday with my girls. It was our last thursday with Jess...she leaves for Hawaii in just a few days. We're all gonna cry. So we took her to Six Flags: Magic Mountain, since she's been dying to go. It was a blast, it was hot, it was sweaty and the lines were long, but every minute was worth it to be with my ladies.

Then we had to rush back, Lacey had work and I had an audition then off to rehearsal.

I almost didn't go to the audition, because, well, I was feeling exhausted and lazy. But, something just kept saying, “Go...you should go!”

So, I went. And...........long story short, I got the part! Not gonna say too much about it, because still want to keep me, myself and I a somewhat secret. But, I just have to say 'thank you' to my girls first of all and secondly to this blog, because without the things I've experienced this year, I never would have gotten the part. I read the sides and I just about died, because this girl is me, this girl is Nikki, this girl is Lacey. Not so much Jess, because she's not single and totally devoted to her man. But, wow. It just had to be me! And, here I sit, still semi glowing after my first (already) rehearsal with the cast.
I'm stoked. I feel rejuvenated. I remember why I came to L.A. To act. Not to fool with boys, not to find true love, not to be a waitress in a crummy restaurant. I came to L.A. to be an actress.

I'm back. It's amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Anywho, I rushed out of rehearsal, because, although this was such a great opportunity, I was being a shitty friend and missing out on Jess's going away party at Senor Fred's. I sped back to the valley and discovered that S.Fred's was closed, I had missed a call from Seattle (really?) and my phone was now too dead to call and find out where everyone was. Luck of the draw. I drove by Off Kilt and there was Nikki. I pulled a U-y (how do you spell that, I've never tried before) and ran across the street just in time to spend the next 45 min with my ladies.

The night was great. I was referred to as a “hater” because I made fun of a guy who was hitting on Nikki and using pathetic pick up lines. I'm just so over being “nice” and pretending. I almost announced to everyone outside that I no longer like men. Just to get them all to shut up.

I wasn't even drunk, but I was fiesty! I'm over sugarcoating bullshit. Just freaking say it like it is!!!!!

So, finally here I sit at home, 3:08am on friday and I just read the email and listened to the message from Seattle.

Again, long story short, turns out some photos and comments leaked into the internet and Seattle is requesting that I delete them. He is completey right, and I told him so, I was just kind of stupid. I haved a shared page with my girls where we post pics and what not so that we all have access to them. However, there's a password and only the four of us know it and we only post things on there knowing that it's for the four of us and not the world.

But alas, the internet sucks big balls and somehow our whole page has been public. Um...the only thing left unanswered right now is how exactly did Seattle stumble across this page...and why?

I wrote him an email, accepting all guilt. I do feel like an ass. It was rude and childish. I should've known better at my age than to trust the internet. Now I know. Better to learn this now than when something really serious came up (like my sex tape...haha, totally joking. Or am I?)

Anywho, I need to try to be less of a “hater” I suppose and go back to being a nicer person. I used to be so nice that I never used a swear word. I don't know how I ever f*ing did it. Damn.

Alright. Well, I'm gonna try to get some sleep and not let this ruin the incredible mood I was in earlier as I was orgasming with joy in my car over my career achievement.

Live and Learn.

I'm Engaged!!!!

July 22, 2009.

I feel awesome not having a single guy in my life right now. This is what I was supposed to be experiencing all year long and my life kind of tumbled off the wagon...

Well, now's my chance. I really don't want to fuck this up. So, guess what.....


I'M ENGAGED!!! (again.)

I was at class today and it's hard not to admire my classmates, most of them male, single and actors, so of course they're charming. I just kept watching one of them, thinking, “He's adorable...I wonder what it would be like to hang out with...STOP IT IRENE!” Ha. It's like an addiction, I'm gonna have to break.

Was thinking about heading into work early to chat with Nikki before my shift starts, but she just shot me a text letting me know that Sam is there. I really don't want to see Sam and be fake and pretend to be happy to see him. However, on the other hand, he lives with Tony (not sure I mentioned that in previous posts or not) and I'm sure word would get back to Tony that Sam saw me today and that, well, let's be honest, I looked great!

Ha. Oh why do ex's always make us want to show off what they've lost? It's so childish and pathetic and totally rewarding when you get to do it!

So, undecided whether or not I'm gonna head in early or not. I'm leaning toward no...but we shall see. As for now, I'm gonna enjoy my silent phone and my empty apt (lil' bro is somewhere...) and get ready for my shift.

Please send engagement gifts via my email online. Gifts of all sort are appreciated! Thanks!

Random Thoughts.

July 21, 2009.

Harumph. What to say. What to say...

Didn't text/call Todd tonight. I just don't think I'm gonna. I just don't see a point to it all.

One regret I have is that I left an oil dish at his house the night I went over to cook dinner. I really like that dish and I'm sad to see it go, but I don't really think there's any chance of ever seeing it again, unfortunately. Last time I slept over, I saw it in the kitchen and thought about grabbing it and putting it in my purse, but then I just thought, naw, I'll grab it 'next time'. I should've just grabbed it right there and then.

Moral of the story ladies...don't leave things at boys places. You may never get a chance to get them back. Grrrr.

Absolutely silence on my phone today. No boys are curious as to where I'm at. It's somewhat calming. A little ego deflating, but all in all a good thing for moi.

Mike at work came in tonight and announced that he saw my 'ex', Tony. “Homeboy's gotten fat!” I gave Mike a high five. I'm a terrible person, but I love hearing this. When Tony and I first got together, he was beautiful. Now we no longer talk and I know he can't possibly be getting together with girls more attractive than I, because, well, this is Hollywood, and he's fat. Yes! One point for the home team!

Went for a brief drink with Nikki to porn star karaoke at Sardo's after work. Tried my very best to give off a bitchy vibe so no one would hit on me. Two attempts and I just kept up my ice cold treatment. Nikki's too nice. She's just so willing to chat with everyone that says 'hello', even if she knows right off the bat she's not interested. I'm not willing to do this. Think I'll start claiming to be a lesbo.

On the drive home, we passed by the house I last saw CRAgent at. Kind of wanted to text him. Didn't. I realized then it would be my fault for inviting a man into my life.

It's just plain hard to be single. As much as you want your independence and freedom, you can't help but crave that nighttime affection.

It's been forever since I've hung out with a boy that I like in the day time or just, for hanging out sake. I miss it. I wanna go back to high school for a day or two.

Friends...should stay out of it.

July 20, 2009.

Why is it that once you make a decision and resolve to something the universe throws a stone at your face? So, after I text Todd yesterday afternoon about possibly grabbing a coffee and chatting for a bit, he didn't respond. I took this to mean that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore and that was that.

I've been a little sad thinking about how it all went down, but I've been putting a positive spin on it and realizing, what this meant; I have a 100% clean slate right now. My phone is silent, there are no boys knocking at my door. Wow. This is my opportunity to keep it that way.

This thought was growing on me. No ties to anyone right now. Free to do and be whatever it is I want to do and be...

About 20 min. ago, Todd just text me. He wants to meet for coffee, how's tomorrow night?

Crap. I don't want to meet with him anymore. What am I gonna say? “Thanks for meeting up to discuss “us”, just wanted to tell you in person that I like the idea of there not being an “us”. See you later!”

I told him that I sent the text yesterday and was shocked to hear from him, he just got it this morning. I haven't committed to meeting up yet. I'm still not sure I want to. I told him I'll keep him posted if I'm available tomorrow.

I mean, what is there to talk about anymore? I don't think I want anything from him. I want him to know I'm sorry for acting so dramatic and drunk the other night, but that's about it.

Ugh. What's a girl to do?

I don't know what to do!

Oh man, and now I just got another text from Todd explaining that his phone was “confiscated” the other night after his last text to me, because his friends were being, “well...friends”.

Great. So that means they all think I'm an asshole and don't want him talking to me. Which now makes me feel even less like talking to him, because if we did happen to talk things out and decide to either continue what we've been doing or start something new, his friends don't like me.

ARRRRHGFHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm really upset now.

On to the next chapter...

July 19, 2009.


I feel lousy. Things with Todd just went south incredibly quickly and I fear there's no chance of fixing our current situation.

Went out with my coworkers last night, back to Rocco's it was. I wasn't really in the mood to drink and I sent Todd a text asking what his plans for the evening were. He said he definitely didn't want to go to Rocco's. Understandably, I would never have asked it of him.

Rocco's was kind of dull. I mean we all had a decent time, but I'm just so tired of guys and bars and drinking and hook ups and blah blah blah. I text Todd when I was feeling especially low during the evening and informed him “I'm over the bar scene...” to which he responded, “Thank you!!! Good, time for vacays with Todd.”

Um...I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just didn't. Then later on in the evening we were texting back and forth about me possibly cabbing it out to see him and we weren't getting anywhere and I was getting increasingly frustrated. I just wanted him to want to see me so bad that he didn't care what he needed to do to make it happen. So when he kept texting me, “we'll talk tomorrow”, I got angry and told him I'm “over it.” And he replied, “I figured.”

I guess what I really meant is that I'm over how f*ing hard it is to get together with that boy. It shouldn't be so freaking difficult to coordinate plans and make it happen. Especially if we both want it. I told him I'm sorry and he wrote back:

“No, you are not, I know what you wanted, you emailed me the script, I just can't follow it, I got in too deep, it's fine. Trust me, I'm ok. I truly want the best for you. Don't give up on your goals and dreams. We still hang out, I promise, we just need to be strictly friends. Like you originally said. I'm going to sleep. Night.”

Then I tried to call him right after he sent it and his phone was off. I was pissed. I replied, “ok great. Have a good night. I won't waste my time tomorrow.”

I'm an ass and now I'm just sad and angry. I didn't expect this with Todd. I did/do have genuine feelings for him. I think I'm just petrified to trust another man ever again. I hate that I let myself start to feel for him, because now it just sucks. This feels like a mini breakup. Not nearly as tough as when you break up from years of “I love you's” but still more painful then never hearing from a fling again.

I DON'T GET IT!

I text him about an hour ago asking him to meet me for coffee because I don't want to leave things like this with him. It just doesn't seem right. But, no response. I'm very sad about this. I guess I was a jerk and probably deserved this, but God, when will it end???

Alright. Off to rehearsal. Blah.

Confusion and Cocktails.

July 18, 2009.


I was on a roll, I was doing so good and then I had to go and get drunk last night.

(To the tune of “What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...”) What a mess, what a mess, what a mess, what a mighty big mess!!!!!

Went out after work with Nikki, Miguel, lil' bro and his friend who's visiting from Minnesota. We went to Rocco's. Saw some guys that were at C's earlier celebrating a birthday, so we introduced ourselves and started up a conversation.

Earlier that night I had hoped to see Todd, however, he at the last minute changed plans, which upset me a bit because I got off work a little early and was excited to see him. I didn't want to wait. I'd been waiting since Monday to see him! So in a grumpy state of mind, I resolved to not see him at all.

He had been texting me and calling and I ignored him for a little. So, back at Rocco's, I'm in a conversation with the birthday boy from C's and in walks Todd and his entourage. He was pissed. I could see it in his eyes even though he wasn't saying it.

I went over and said hello and hugged everyone, etc, etc. Then, in walks Laurie and Madrid. Oh F*ck. So, I'm surrounded by men and two of them from my past/present, who don't know anything about the other and I don't want either of them to know about the other, so I'm trying to do the rounds without looking or being too flirtatious with anyone. Ugh.

Well, I think I successfully pissed off Todd to the point where he didn't want to be around me anymore. He left with his friends to go to a different bar down the street. This kind of upset me also. But really, I was just creating drunken drama.

I resolved not to let Todd bother me and still have a good time flirting with boys. That I did. I chatted a bit more with Laurie and Madrid, who threw in another comment about how I'm always “surrounded by guys” whenever he sees me out and he wondered, “Which one of these is your boyfriend.” To which I strongly replied, “None of them!”

After Laurie and Madrid headed out, Nikki and I exchanged numbers with the Birthday boys and told them they needed to come out with us tonight...I proceeded to text the number I received with the following message: “You're hot! Let's make out tomorrow night!”

Ugh. I'm an ass.

Nikki and I decided we're going back to my place with lil' bro, Miguel and friend from Minnesota. Oh god, why do we do the things we do when we are drunk!

I'm gonna just make a long story short. Miguel headed out about an hour later, friend from Minnesota ended up in bed with me and as for lil' bro and Nikki...well, yeah, they made out.

But, this was not before a drunken Todd climbed over my gate and arrived at my apt unannounced. I was in the living room making out with friend from Minnesota (ew...never would've done it sober) and Nikki bursts in (she was out having a smoke) to announce that Todd is there and save my ass from being caught. Todd comes in and we immediately go to my room to talk. He was pisssssssed! We proceeded to have a heated conversation about “us”. I proceeded to weep and beg him to stay the night, which he refused. Then after he left, I had friend from Minnesota “lick my wounds.” Ew again. Why oh why!

Ok, well, we didn't have sex, for the record. We tried, but (thank God) he couldn't get it up from drinking too much. But we fooled around and we woke up on opposite sides of the bed and haven't spoken yet since the incident. I left early to retrieve my car from C's and him and lil' bro have been at the beach all day. I'm not looking forward to when they come home tonight. Awkward...at least he leaves tomorrow.

Alright, so where does that leave Todd and I? Who knows! He's been golfing all day and I have to work later, so I probably won't be seeing him until tomorrow. I'm such an ass and I feel like a fool. I do wish that he had just stayed and slept over, that way I wouldn't have friend from Minnesota on my list now.

I went to coffee this morning with Lacey and told her all about the debauchery that was last night. We discussed my options with Todd. I think I've decided I can't be with him. Our lives just aren't working together. I never have time, he never has time and that's not going to change any time soon. Todd doesn't know I'm feeling this way yet, but I text him today to let him know we need to talk and we're planning for tomorrow, but I don't know if I can wait that long. I might try to see him tonight after work.

It's funny because a man from Lacey's past has all of a sudden resurfaced and wants a second chance and the similarities between him and Todd are unbelievable. And the way Lacey is feeling about her situation is exactly how I'm feeling about mine.

We like these two guys. They're both what you might call, “a great catch”. But we're not “crazy” about them. There's something missing and we both know what it is. They're not fun enough. They're not wild enough. They're not outgoing enough. They're both very “put together”. They are country clubs and we are dive bars. They are business men and we are servers. They are a bit “soft” and Lacey and I have balls. And yet, neither I nor Lacey are quite willing to just walk away. Somethings holding us down. We feel as if we need them for some reason.

I think I may have pinpointed what it is. I said that we don't want to let it go, because although it may not be great, it's good. And in L.A. when you find a guy who wants a relationship, you hold on, because that's rare. So, in a sense we'd both kind of be settling...but still happy, just not overjoyed.

I wanna be overjoyed. I want every inch of my body to crave that other human being. I want to desire that person in my life.

I'm exhausted. Nap time. More stories tomorrow.

In My Head...

July 15, 2009.

I guess “drunk blogging” is the next best thing to drunk dialing. I did send Todd a silly drunken message saying I wanted him to come over, but I knew it would be in vain since, he's an old man and always in bed by 10:30pm.

He invited me to go see 'Harry Potter' with him and his roommates tonight, but alas, I was working until 10pm. We sort of made plans to see each other Friday night when I get off work. This secretly upset me, because, quite frankly, I don't want to wait till Friday to cuddle again! We were on this awesome roll of sleepovers and I was enjoying it and now I just feel like a brat. It's not good enough for me! Waaaaah.

Ha, but I was talking with Nikki tonight after work and one of her ex's is coming into town and she's hoping to rekindle some sort of relationship with him. She's so excited. I've never seen her this excited over a boy and it's great. She just kept saying, “He's so much fun! I can't wait for you guys to meet him!”

Now, Todd's great. He can be a lot of fun. But, I do sometimes wish I had a guy in my life that was a better match for my ladies. Is that ridiculous? I want someone that makes my girls laugh and that my girls always want to invite out with us. Todd's great, but he's a bit subdued.

On another totally random side note, so last night my drunken dreams were ridiculous! I dreamt about Laurie (I had been texting him throughout the evening) and I dreamt that we were laying in the same room together and sort of holding hands with one another and there was this crazy chemistry between us. All I kept thinking though was, “I won't do anything stupid. I really like Todd!” Then Laurie came closer and we were cuddling/fooling around, not kissing though, more just like touching one another and then Jess came barreling into the room and saw us and ran away. In my dream (maybe in real life, too) Jess was in love with Laurie and was so upset at me for betraying her like this. I immediately jumped up and chased after her, she's way more important than a stupid guy. But after that dream, man, Laurie's been on the brain.

Oh subconscious...what are you telling me???

Ha, alright, well, I'm off to get some reading/studying done so that when I wake up in the morning I feel a bit more like an actress...

Goodnight!

drunk

july 15, 2009.


2:25 am.

Drunk.

Wishing Todd were here right now. Drunk and wanna make out. Yeahya! But, jess is passed out in my bed and I'm eating some za with Nikkie and lil bro right now, so no chance of that sh*t. K, i'm gonna go before i say antyighng else stuoopido.

NNightieoooooooooooooooo.

Sight for Sore Eyes.

July 14, 2009.

I opened my front door last night at about 11:30pm and discovered a rather adorably drunken Todd with bed head staring back at me. I invited him in and within 20min. he proceeded to pass out on my bed and not awaken from his snoring slumber until about 10:15 this morning when I had to get up and rush off to class.

It was pretty cute. Wish I had been the one getting drunk with him, but I honestly enjoyed being home alone for a bit. The quiet was pleasant.

I did start to wonder though. Yesterday morning Todd had promised to call when he was done golfing and he wanted to join me at a DVD release party I had been planning on attending. Well, when I still hadn't heard from him around 9pm, I just figured he must be having fun. However, if we were an official couple, would this have upset me more than it did?

For some reason when he text me and told me that they had been drinking since their golf game was over and that he'd be over “soon”, I was not upset in the slightest. I was happy to hear from him and even more happy that he was still coming over, but not one angry thought crossed my mind.

Hmm...I hope it's just because I'm cool like that (haha) and not because I don't really care. Because I do care. At least I think I'm starting to.

Whateva, not much more to say. Had class, rehearsal and more rehearsal today. I should be feeling fulfilled artistically, but something is missing. I'm feeling unmotivated and empty these days. I gotta figure this dilemma out! On to more rehearsals tomorrow...oy.

Updates soonish.

Some Re-blog-nition if you will...

I went to one of my favorite blogs: Adventures in Normality and discovered that she has bestowed upon me a very sweet award...


Here are the rules:
This award is bestowed on to blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to six bloggers who must choose six more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

I would like to pass the love on to these lovely blogs:

Symphonic Discord
Based on a True Story
The Way I See It
Chicklit Sanctuary
In a city of 647,000 zombies
Sarahahaha!!!

Slowing Down...

July 12, 2009.

Todd's a great listener. I invited him over last night to join me for a drink and a movie at my place when the UFC fight was finished. I couldn't get the sound on my computer to work (per usual), which is what I watch movies on (no t.v. for me!) and I was getting frustrated, but Todd just grabbed me and cuddled with me on the couch and said, “Forget the movie...”

Then he proceeded to listen to me ramble on about work, palm springs, Nikki, life in general. I realized I was talking...A LOT, and he was just listening intently, taking it all in.

Guys, it's true. Women like men who listen. It's just comforting to know someone cares about what you have to say however menial the topic.

We decided to go lay down in bed and I told him to tell me more stories about his life. I lay next to him as he held me close, it was my turn to listen.

Ok, I think Irene is falling. Maybe just a bit.

The strange thing about L.A. is that even though everyone is so “beach bum” chill, they're always in a rush to find the “next best thing”. This is true in their dating habits as well. Hence, no relationship for me the past year and 9 mo's I've lived out here.

This has infiltrated my mind as well, and I've forgotten that sometimes, you fall for someone gradually. The more you hang out with them, the more you learn, and the more you like. I'm gradually falling for Todd. Just because it wasn't passionate right away, doesn't mean that won't get more and more passionate down the road.

But, I have to admit it is tough, because this L.A. mindset is hard to get rid of. I met Nikki down in Manhattan Beach after my audition today. She was hanging out with her “next best thing”, and Surfer. We all hung at the beach for a bit, then headed to Sharkeez for a bite to eat where I met her “next best thing”'s roommate. Cute. Sweet. Funny. Oh my.

I mean of course I'm not smitten, but my mind started turning and I had silly 'girl meets boy' thoughts. Then I had to stop myself. What about Todd???

Of course nothing happened, not even a number exchange, but if this is happening before Todd and I are even official, I'm kind of scared to become official and take the chance that I'll f*up. I wanna be so head over heels for someone that I'm committed to that I don't even realize other males exist. Is this possible?

Nikki said that before I got there she told Surfer that I had a boyfriend so that he would get the hint that nothing is going to happen. She told me that she was explaining to the two of them that “Irene's trying to be good and date just this one boy.” And they looked at her and said, “Well, isn't that what 'dating' means?” Whoops...not in our bubble.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to truly shake this L.A. mindset because even today, I've been thinking about Madrid and how we should set up a time to go surfing again (no, Irene...that would be bad) and CRAgent contacted me today out of the blue. Haven't heard from him in weeks, but he was recovering at home from his weekend in Vegas and asked if I wanted to come hang. I kind of wanted to (no, Irene...that would be bad).

Argh, being single is almost easier than being in a relationship I think. Less rules and regulations. Less chances to f*up.

Todd and I are not labeled yet, but I kind of want to act like we are, just so that I don't screw up a potential future with him. I'm happy right now. Let's not mess with that.

Redemption.

July 11, 2009.
3:40pm. Ok, almost thirteen hours since my last post and I take it back. I don't hate Saturdays...they're just always one of my more busy days, so I was feeling grumpy about not getting to sleep in and not getting to sleep next to Todd.

He redeemed himself today. He text and said he laid down to take a nap last night and didn't wake up till this morning. He said he was really upset at himself for falling asleep and tonight I should consider him my “stalker” because he just wants to go wherever I'm going.

Will commented on my last post: “whoa...are you falling for Todd???? :)”

Am I falling for Todd...hmmm?. Well, perhaps. I think I'm falling for the stability that he brings to me. Knowing that he genuinely cares for me and likes spending time with me and doesn't need the sex factor is really fabulous. I'm feeling more and more able to be myself around him (I was having concerns about this) and I'm enjoying his company more because it's him, Todd, and not because it's just a guy.

Falling for him...I don't want to jump on that train just yet, but perhaps if things continue to go as nicely as they have been. I think we're both equally terrified to jump into a full fledged relationship just yet, but I could see maybe in another month or so.

I do find myself still looking, when guys pass by or come into work, I definitely check them out. But, I'm quicker to push any thoughts of them out of my mind and focus on Todd, and it often makes me smile. I think that's a good sign.

I guess I really like the balance that Todd and I have right now. We're into eachother but there are no rules or limitations that we impose. He likes that I'm uber social and go out with my girlfriends all the time and never asks me to change plans for him. I like that he goes golfing with his boys on the weekend and would never ask him to change those plans. I'm just terrified that this may change...I'll try my best to keep it how it is, because for some strange reason, it's just working.

So, I'm gonna step back and just let it work, I suppose.

And in case any of you were wondering, I have not had sex this month and I'm trying my hardest despite sleepovers with Todd to keep it that way. I want to make sure I've got a good clean slate for awhile. Let's just hope Todd doesn't explode (no pun intended). I think he genuinely cares enough to not try anything until I'm 100% ready. And trust me, it's just as hard for me to say no, but I always try to think about how I'll feel the next day if I keep the promise I made to myself to abstain.

Oh poor Todd...he had no idea what kind of mess he was getting into...

Set Up For Disappointment...

July 11, 2009.

3:08am. Still up, I'm trying to play “catch-up” on my email situation since I was in Palm Springs this past wednesday and thursday night. My email is insane and I can't go about two hours without checking it, or else it's an impossibility to sort through the mess. Ugh, it's a full time job.

Anywho. Palm Springs. Wow. What an experience. I'm proud of myself though. I did not get sunburned. I did not give my number to anyone even when asked. I did not kiss a single strange boy. I did not get extremely drunk. I had a blast.

It was crazy as usual. Not quite what we were all hoping I think, but nonetheless whenever we go out, we do it right!

I missed Todd like crazy. I was almost sad to go, because I wanted to sleep next to him again. I text him and told him I was missing him and he was “happy to hear this from” me.

So, today I text him all day long, tried to get him to come out with me, Lacey and Nikki tonight. We went out to check out a D.J. that Lacey's been on a couple of dates with and she didn't want to go alone. Todd didn't want to venture into Hollywood with us, so I told him we could meet up later and “end the night in the oaks.” He said he'd call.

He hasn't called. Or text. I'm kind of really upset. I text him around 1:30, when we were leaving the bar and heading back, “Where you at?” No response. I mean, sure, he has a crazy weeks and I know he gets exhausted, but then text me when you're getting sleepy and let me know that you won't be staying up much longer, or text me and try to get me to come over earlier or I don't know, just don't go all MIA and then expect me to understand tomorrow when you text or call and apologize for “passing out.” Ugh. I was really psyched to see him.

It just sucks because I realized the other day, I'm beginning to genuinely have feelings for him and I don't ever let this happen and now I feel as though, I'm letting it happen and I'm just gonna be disappointed in the long run.

Blah. I gotta get some sleep, I didn't mean to be up this late still...I'm looking at a solid 6hrs right now. Yuck. I hate Saturdays.

Eek...what do you think?

Just sent it away into cyberspace:

Dearest Vienna,
I wanted to write to you because I feel as though I haven't been completely open with you. I had such a great time with you in San Diego. It was strange because it did feel as if we had known eachother from before. That is why I was so glad to get the chance to see you again in L.A. Once again, I enjoyed that day very much. You are so genuinely sweet, it's rare to meet someone like you. I am feeling though as if it would not be wise for us to keep talking.
You and I live so very far apart and I've done relationships like that before and I can't stand to do it again. It wears me thin and makes me sad a frustrated. Also, there is someone from my past here that I have been casually seeing again and I'm interested to see how things work this time around. Maybe it will be better, maybe worse, but I can only discover that if I give him my full, undivided attention.

I'm sorry that I've been distant this past week. I've been trying to sort things out in my life and make things a bit less complicated. You are wonderful and I'm sure you will meet someone who deserves your sweet words. At this point in time, I am very undeserving and feel bad if we continue to communicate the way we have. Feel free to email me whenever you feel, or not if you don't want to.

I hope you have a great rest of the week and thank you for coming into my life...

hugs,
Irene

One Man Woman...?

July 8, 2009.

I'm at my wits end. I think I've had all that I can handle.

Spent the night with Todd last night. I didn't work so right after my rehearsal I headed over to his place and he took me out to dinner. We discussed relationships. It seems to me that as much as he doesn't want a relationship, he wants to be with me just as much. I think I'm feeling the same way. Relationships scare the crap out of me and yet, I think I could make it work with him. I didn't say this to him, nor did he say that to me, it's all inferred.

But something was just so different about last night. We went back to his place, put in a movie and just started making out. He knew I wasn't gonna have sex, so it was just this really passionate, intense making out. I loved it. I want Todd and only Todd. That's what I felt last night and this morning, waking up next to him.

No more strange guys from bars, no more foreigners and one night stands. Just nights with Todd.

I heard from Vienna this morning. Makes me feel so guilty. I haven't talked to him for about a week and he says he “misses me”. I'm about to write him an email explaining that we shouldn't keep in touch. I'm going to try to be as honest as possible, but also try not to hurt him too much. This sucks. I don't want to do this anymore.

On my way home from class this afternoon, Pedi text me. It's been awhile for him, too, but he's now saying he wants to come visit this upcoming Monday and stay in L.A. for a little while!!! Nooo! I don't want this. Now I have to break his heart also and tell him that the truth is I'm a two-timing slut and he needs to find someone more deserving of his attention. Although, I'll probably lie and say I'm gonna be out of town.

I'm feeling very unhappy and uncomfortable right now and I think once these two issues are resolved I will begin to feel a bit more calm. I need to lessen my life, not add more baggage. That was the whole purpose of this year and I haven't felt that I needed it until just this moment.

No more. I'm going out tonight and tomorrow with my girls. It's Lacey's birthday tomorrow and we're stealing her away for two nights in Palm Springs. I'm excited but at the same time, I almost don't want to go. I don't want to get drunk with strangers and make out and give my number to men. I don't want to.

So, I won't. I will come back with lots of great stories, but hopefully the best ones don't involve me...


Arghhhhh! Off to write an email..

Fading funk...

July 6, 2009.

Man, still coughing, but my mind feels clearer. I think my funk is slowly fading.

Yesterday I was feeling quite a bit better when I woke up. Still spent most the day being lazy, drinking orange juice to ensure my complete recovery before the concert Lacey and I were attending that evening.

We headed off to the Hollywood Bowl at 5:30 to see Tegan & Sara and Deathcab for Cutie. The main topic of our discussion was: Boys. Men, if you will.

We were talking about how it's hard to have a girls night when we all go out because 1)Nikki is prime boy bait and they can't help but flock and 2)Nikki is so boy crazy even if we wanted just a girls night, I don't think she could handle it!

Lacey and I are not unattractive. We've both got great eyes, great smiles, great style, we're fun, we're positive, we're happy, we're smart, we're sassy. So, why is it that when a man walks into a bar we are the last thing he notices?

We're tired of it. We want to meet guys that genuinely care about the girl inside (I know that sounds like such a “fat kid” thing to say), but for reals, we both are pretty confident within ourselves, but time after time, when we're stuck talking to the “wingman” or the “less fortunate looking” ones, we can't help but wonder.

That leads us to our next problem, we're so tired of “looking”!! And I don't mean that as in, we're tired of trying, because even when we're not “trying” our bodies and minds are instinctively “looking”. For example: Last night at the concert we went with the intent to have a good time, just us girls and great live music. We succeeded in this, but there is no doubt in my mind that Lacey was thinking the same things that I was every time a cute boy walked by. No matter how much you tell yourself you don't want to look, your brain refuses to give up.

Oy, well anywho, that was just my random rant.

Last night Todd slept over. I warned him that I still couldn't kiss him, because I still have something and I don't want him getting it. As if sleeping next to me and not kissing me will really deter anything from getting to him...eek.

Well, I loved sleeping next to him last night. It was so comforting. I kept waking up and I'd realize he was there, I had forgotten and I'd reach over and rub his sunburned back gently or I'd wrap my arms around his waist or toss a leg over his. It was so nice. I needed it. Comfort.

I know I sound hypocritical since the last post I'm talking all about “clean slate” and such, Todd being one of the things I would have to erase, however, I'm not ready to yet. I'm not done figuring out what it is exactly that I want from this. I genuinely do like him. I enjoy his company. I just have to figure out what it is that's holding me back...

Clean Slate.

July 4, 2009.

Worst 4th of July ever.

I spent the entire day at home, sick, drugged up, and cleaned my room, did some laundry. So it wasn't totally a wasted day, but it was pretty horrible.

I worked last night and after work, I had decided to turn down Todd's offer to buy me a red-eye flight to Arizona because even though I knew my fourth was looking pretty pathetic, I just couldn't imagine myself flying while still sick and having any fun without my girls. Ugh. I think I genuinely pissed Todd off. Didn't hear from him until this morning. He said that I am “impossible.” Which I guess is entirely true.

I had called Seattle after work to let him know my plans. I told him that if I was feeling up to it, I would go surfing with him in the morning. He could tell I was still pretty sick and knew I wouldn't be up to it. But he told me he'd keep me posted and maybe we could meet up later in the day.

Then last night at about midnight, I was already passed out and Seattle text me: “Just read your blog. Want to know what I am thinking? This will sound weird, but a no sex sleepover.”

I didn't get the message until this morning. Oh well.

I was pretty miserable all day and I just kept holding myself back from calling Seattle and telling him that the only thing I wanted was to spend time with him. I hated knowing that he's here in town and not with me.

I text him around 3pm to let him know I couldn't handle being in the house by myself anymore and was wondering what him and his bro were doing for dinner. Maybe we could meet up. Didn't hear from him for awhile at which point he still didn't know their plans.

So, I waited till about 9pm to find out their plans. My girls had called to tell me they were headed to Santa Monica. I desperately wish I had gone with them, but I'm still sick and would probably feel even worse in the morning if I had gone. However, I was hoping Seattle would be willing to hang out, even though I was pretty miserable. I just wanted to rest my head on his lap and watch t.v. all night long.

He called me and we discussed this briefly, then he said he'd call me back with the plan. He called back and said point blank, he's not coming over.

That's it.

Now begins my clean slate. Nikki kept saying the other night that all we need is a “clean slate”. Leave all the Seattle, Todd and every other boy bullshit behind. Let's start with a clean slate. I think she's absolutely right. I just wish I could abide by that completely.

To be completely honest, I see no point in contacting Seattle again in the future. He knows this. I didn't have to say it, he could sense it.

He just kept trying to explain himself on the phone, “I just don't see a point in coming over there since it's not going to change anything and it's just going to be harder in the morning.” Fine. I get it. You are 100% correct. Then I don't see a point in staying in touch if it's not going to change anything. Done.

Clean Slate.

Happy Fucking Fourth of July.

Breakfast with Seattle...

July 3, 2009.

Just got my hair did. Figured I needed it to make me feel a bit better after having breakfast (at noon) with Seattle.

I picked him up and we exchanged an awkward hug, then headed to a diner down the street for some food. For some reason I could barely look at him. I was in my “defense mode” the entire time. Not allowing myself to enjoy too much and remaining at one level the entire time...this is just how I work and I hate it. I felt like I was at a business meeting.

The meeting consisted of discussions about the boys in this blog. I don't know why Seattle seems so comfortable talking about all this, maybe it helps him move on. Who knows, but it's kind of weird for me to sit and casually chat about with him.

I kept having to fight the urge to hold hands with him or put my arm around his back, you know, couple stuff. It just felt so strange.

But then again, when I went to drop him off I felt like he lives here and we just never see eachother. It didn't feel like, “I may never see you again.” Which also felt strange.

He lingered in the car, not wanting to get out and said he wished we could hang out more. As do I, I just don't know how to “hang out” with him. I got out of the car to give him a hug goodbye and it felt...like heartbreak. It was hard to let go, and I could tell we both felt it.

Bah! I'm even starting to cry just writing this right now.

He text me after saying, “Thanks for driving out here; it was good to see you, even though it was kind of hard. Hope you have a good night at work.”

My response: “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to seem 'cold as ice'. It was really nice to se you and I just kept wanting to reach out and hold your hand or hug you and I was just trying so hard not to.”

But what I really wanted to say was, “What the hell are you really feeling?!?!?!?! Don't “thank” me for coming out there! This wasn't a business meeting, drop the formal bullshit and tell me what's really going on in your head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

He wrote back, “I know what you mean about wanting to reach out, but I wasn't serious about the cold as ice thing so no worries. I think we were probably feeling similar things.”

So, I prodded: “And what might those things be...?”

Seattle: “Well, I was feeling happy to see you, wanting to touch you, sad about what happened between us, and conflicted about all of it.”

I guess that's as good as it gets.

I'm not really sure what it is exactly I'm feeling. Frustration...maybe. Sad...a little. Sick still. Overwhelmed...perhaps.

And now, I have a headache and have to go to work in an hour and ½ and still no word from Todd.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I need a vacation all by myself!

Short and not so sweet...

July 2, 2009.

Went out with Surfer and friends tonight down in Manhattan Beach (my future home). So not into him.

Seeing Seattle in the morning for breakfast. Possibly meeting up with Todd in Arizona friday night after work or saturday morning.

Oh lordy...we shall see.

Eh....

July 1, 2009.

Ok, on to a new month. New beginnings? Doubtful. But new hope, I suppose.

Just got off the phone with Seattle. I cried. But not for the usual reason that I cry when I talk to him. I'm upset because my choices for the fourth of July right now are as follows:

1)spend the day alone since my girls are all working
2)spend the day with Seattle and his bro
3)spend part of the day driving 5hrs by myself to Scottsdale, AZ and meet up with Todd and his friends.

None of these are appealing to me because:

1)The fourth is my favorite holiday because it's spent with family and friends...not alone
2)If I spend time with Seattle I might end up crying anyhow...I think it'll be tough to see him and “just be friends”
3)I don't want to take a road trip that far alone and then spend the day with Todd's friends, who are great, but they're not my friends...

So, I don't know what to do right now. I'm pretty unhappy. I know I'll figure it out and probably have “the best fourth ever!” I'm just super bummed right now that it's not gonna be spent with my girls. Then through the conversation with Seattle, I realized just how much my girls really are my only friends out here...I've sort of lost all my others. This is not so good.

Ugh. Ok, well, let's see, it's a new month. So, I'm gonna set some new goals for myself. The first may be silly, but I think it'll actually be the easiest to follow:

1)I will not give my number to any guys this month. I don't like giving out my number usually anyway, because most often the guy asking is not one that I'm interested in, so I think if I just say it's a RULE for myself, then I'll be able to say no and walk away.

I would say my second goal is to not have sex, but that's a given and I'm pretty sure I'll somehow fail at this one, not that I'm planning on it, Vienna's in, well, Vienna; Todd's been super good at, well, being good; and I found out that I can actually say “no” to Madrid. So all in all, I think I have a good chance at success this month. We shall see!

That's the only goal I have so far, but I'm sure I'll come up with some other great ones.

Btw, as far as my goals for this week (no alcohol, no sleepovers) I'm doin' just fine!

Updates soon!

PS. Chatted with Vienna on Skype this morning...he's super sweet. I could have some gorgeous Austrian babies that would look like they were straight out of 'The Sound Of Music' if I ever desired to have children...not gonna happen.