Clean Slate.

July 4, 2009.

Worst 4th of July ever.

I spent the entire day at home, sick, drugged up, and cleaned my room, did some laundry. So it wasn't totally a wasted day, but it was pretty horrible.

I worked last night and after work, I had decided to turn down Todd's offer to buy me a red-eye flight to Arizona because even though I knew my fourth was looking pretty pathetic, I just couldn't imagine myself flying while still sick and having any fun without my girls. Ugh. I think I genuinely pissed Todd off. Didn't hear from him until this morning. He said that I am “impossible.” Which I guess is entirely true.

I had called Seattle after work to let him know my plans. I told him that if I was feeling up to it, I would go surfing with him in the morning. He could tell I was still pretty sick and knew I wouldn't be up to it. But he told me he'd keep me posted and maybe we could meet up later in the day.

Then last night at about midnight, I was already passed out and Seattle text me: “Just read your blog. Want to know what I am thinking? This will sound weird, but a no sex sleepover.”

I didn't get the message until this morning. Oh well.

I was pretty miserable all day and I just kept holding myself back from calling Seattle and telling him that the only thing I wanted was to spend time with him. I hated knowing that he's here in town and not with me.

I text him around 3pm to let him know I couldn't handle being in the house by myself anymore and was wondering what him and his bro were doing for dinner. Maybe we could meet up. Didn't hear from him for awhile at which point he still didn't know their plans.

So, I waited till about 9pm to find out their plans. My girls had called to tell me they were headed to Santa Monica. I desperately wish I had gone with them, but I'm still sick and would probably feel even worse in the morning if I had gone. However, I was hoping Seattle would be willing to hang out, even though I was pretty miserable. I just wanted to rest my head on his lap and watch t.v. all night long.

He called me and we discussed this briefly, then he said he'd call me back with the plan. He called back and said point blank, he's not coming over.

That's it.

Now begins my clean slate. Nikki kept saying the other night that all we need is a “clean slate”. Leave all the Seattle, Todd and every other boy bullshit behind. Let's start with a clean slate. I think she's absolutely right. I just wish I could abide by that completely.

To be completely honest, I see no point in contacting Seattle again in the future. He knows this. I didn't have to say it, he could sense it.

He just kept trying to explain himself on the phone, “I just don't see a point in coming over there since it's not going to change anything and it's just going to be harder in the morning.” Fine. I get it. You are 100% correct. Then I don't see a point in staying in touch if it's not going to change anything. Done.

Clean Slate.

Happy Fucking Fourth of July.