Does Money Always mean Sex??

May 27, 2009.

Oh emotions!! Why must they be so necessary? At work last night, my Boss was getting even more bold. It's probably my fault for letting it get to this point and joking back in return, but wowza! We all have to pay a discount price if we want a “shift meal” but he never makes me pay and before I always took it as, oh well, i'm just such a hard worker and he's rewarding that hard work. But now, I feel bad and think, oh, well, if he keeps paying for things or giving me things for free...it's because he wants to sleep with me. Oy. But last night, we were by ourselves and he goes:

“Irene, you know, I'm gonna be pretty lonely next week. Erica's out of town.”

And I rolled my eyes and sarcastically said, “Oh, so do you want me to come over and keep you company?” Trust me, it was an incredibly sarcastic tone.

And he kept saying things about it, like he'd be a gentleman, and I could have the bed, he'd sleep on the couch, blah blah blah. Then I just had to walk away. The whole situation is just making me angry now. I've always thought of him as a decent guy, despite knowing about his infidelities. He's a great boss, a nice guy, he can be serious and get down to business when need be. But that was all before he started blatently hitting on me through text and at work!!!

Nikki and I were on our way to a pub last night after work and she goes, “I think Boss is in love with you!”

And I sort of freaked out and told her how angry I am. It just sucks for me, because if he is, wonderful, what does that do for me? He's still with his girlfriend, and I'm not about to be one of his infidelities and even if they weren't together, I wouldn't trust starting anything with him because he's a cheat. I wanna say that to him, but how does one say that to their boss?? I need a drunken night of honesty with him. That way, the next day I can always be like, “Oh well, that was the booze talking!” in case it goes terribly wrong. But I suppose drinking with him is a bad idea as well, since that would lead to temptation. Ugh. It's just so weird.

Well, my night got even more drama filled. At the bar with Nikki and Jess and Nikki's new interest, I had a glass of wine and then became really sad and introverted. I just couldn't help but to feel hopeless again. I just feel as though I'm going to live in LA for a lot longer and LA does not offer relationships. It offers flings. At least for me. Apparently not for Nikki. So, basically, I have to accept that I'm out here for my career and that means no love for Irene. I've always chosen career over love, so maybe this is just my kharma. Ha. I didn't think of that until just now, but I guess it is my relationship kharma coming out!

Anywho, I decided to go home and mope alone, since everyone kept asking what was wrong (I guess they could tell despite my attempts at acting normal) and I could only say so many times, “I'm so exhausted!” I text Seattle on the way home. Big mistake. I was on the verge of tears even before we talked but I just wanted to ask him one thing.

“What's wrong with me? Why is no one willing to be in a relationship with me?” I feel like it must be me. I mean Seattle seemed like he liked me a whole lot, but now he's going around sleeping with other girls, so it must've been me, right?

Well, our conversation quickly went south and I ended up telling him that I just can't be friends with him. What's the point? I've got enough friends here and why would we even bother being friends when we don't even live in the same state?

But, it's true. I feel like Seattle got his cake and ate it too and now he's got everything he wants: a single life with which he's free to bang as many chicks as he wants, he's friends with me, which is basically what we were before, since we couldn't really see one another, he gets his sex from Becks and his emotional support from me. What do I get? A whole lot of shit thrown in my face. Yeah, that's not equal and I'm not willing to do that for him.

The convo last night was pretty bad and I woke up this morning with a new perspective. I wrote him an apology email for how the conversation went last night, but I told him I still feel the same way. I don't want to be friends. He's the one that wanted out. He's out. There's no need for him to still be hanging on to me.

Alright, so on to more confusion and randomness. Todd called me yesterday, he's back in town. We chatted, he told me how excited he is that I have an improv show this friday and he's been getting all his friends together to come out. I told him the drama the theater is having and we may not even be getting to perform this friday. He got all sad and told me whatever I or the company needs he's there. I just said 'thanks' but we'll figure it out.

So this morning, I woke up to a phone call from the artistic director/owner of my theater company. I let it go to voicemail since I was barely awake. Then I listened to the message:

“Hey Irene, its John. I just wanted to call you and say thank you for speaking to your friend Todd. He made a $500 donation to the theater to keep that Detour show happening. It was very very generous. Thank you for speaking to him on behalf of the company like that, I really appreciate it.”

I jumped out of bed. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT?? I'm so confused by this, a little weirded out, a bit excited and sort of uncomfortable. I never expected nor did I want Todd to do this for me. I just casually mentioned the drama to him to let him know the venue may change and here he is throwing around $500 for our silly little improv show. Wow. I'm speechless.

Now, I have to call and thank him and what....sleep with him? Ha. I don't know. What's appropriate in this situation? I know he didn't do this to get laid, that's not his style. But, really, what is it that he wants from me? I don't understand. All of a sudden, he's back in my life and wants to stay in it so badly that he's making way too generous donations to my theater company?

Ok, I'm weirded out by it. Gotta run to an acting class information session, otherwise I'd ramble on longer about this crazy situation. But, I'll update later this evening.