"Push/Pull"

May 17, 2009.

Feeling a bit sad today. Had a good day, but at the end of it...who do I have to call or share it with? Just the wonderfully affectionate kitty on my lap.

Spent the day at the Lilac Festival with my family. Love them. Got to finally meet my cousins boy. He's sweet. So typically her type. They've been dating for over a year now and this was the first time I've met him. It's interesting because I never saw them in their “puppy love” stage, so I wonder how this version compares. They're not incredibly affectionate, but you can tell there's a lot of love there. It's nice.

Spent way too little time with my friend Ike. We talked about relationship stuff. We're both in the same boat right now. We so badly want something “consistent”. The flings and one night stands...not a challenge. Finding someone who see's through your bullshit and sticks around? Im-f-ing-possible. He's currently spending some time with a girl we went to high school with. He had a crush on her back in the day (I don't remember this), but he recently re-met her and they've been hanging out. I remember her being way sweet, but a little quiet and boring. Not who I'd picture him with. But, I suppose she's the perfect “settling down” type.

Then there's my friend A.E. He's been my friend since 8th grade. Went through an “I'm in love with you” phase with me (nothing ever happened) and then just basically became like a part of my family. He's great and rarely has a girl in his life. I don't feel bad for him though, because he's one of the happiest people I know. Genuine, caring and overall wonderful. He doesn't need a girl, but I know he'd sure appreciate one.

It's just always such an interesting mix of relations when I come home. I'd love to have a guy around long enough to experience it all.

Was planning on seeing my high school sweetheart tonight. Made plans to go out for a drink with him and some other friends. He apparently had some trouble at the home front...roommate issues and couldn't leave until they were resolved. Maybe we'll hang tomorrow. It sure would be nice. I miss his friendship.

Seattle text me on his way home from Mt. Rainier. He hadn't read the email yet. I felt terrible. I told him I was taking a nap and he should check his email when he gets home. He did. Not really sure how it went over. He shot me a text after, but it was fairly neutral. He agreed on the not talking part though. Which now makes me even more sad and all I wanna do is call him and talk about it.

Tony accused me once of being great at the “push and pull”. Now, I've never thought of myself as a manipulative person, but perhaps I was doing something subconsciously to make sure that Tony never left for good. I would get mad, leave, say I'm never speaking to him again, then a month later be lying in his bed, laughing my head off and making dinner plans for the following evening. It's just as much his fault as it is mine though, right? He could've easily said, “No, I don't want you coming over.” But, I suppose he's a man and that would going against all of “man code”. Anywho, my whole point to this ramble is that I don't want Seattle to ever think I'm doing the “push and pull” with him. I really really really really wanna call and talk to him right now. But I'm positive it will just end in tears and him being wonderfully accepting of my flaws and it'll just hurt all the more that I can't have him. I just have a need to know what he's thinking.

It's not really fair, because he gets my full out honest opinions and thoughts in this blog and I have to sit and wonder what's going on in his head. And, I suppose, maybe I'm being a little manipulative right now because I'm assuming that he'll read this and possibly call because of how frustrated I seem. But, Seattle, don't call because I want you to. Call because you have something important to say...or don't call because you know it's the right thing to do.

Ugh! I'll tell you one thing for certain, I will NEVER, EVER, EVER, tell a boy I like about this blog again. Even drunkenly. Even if he just happens upon it one day. I'll deny every word. I just don't think it can lead to any good.

One more day at home then flying back to LA. I was actually getting a little anxious today to be back. I just like my life there a lot and feel like I miss out on a bunch of opportunities by being home. One more day...then back to the madness.