Friday, May 22, 2009

Love Thyself...

May 22, 2009.

Would've been picking Seattle up from the airport right now if we hadn't changed our situation. Wow...a lot can happen in two weeks, can't it? Not gonna lie. Would much rather be driving to the airport right now than the potential plans I have.

Sadness. I've been avoiding texting him all night. After our conversation yesterday I just know I can't be friends with him. It just makes me too sad. It's not his fault, it's mine. Plus, he told me that me sleeping with someone else really helps him move on. Understandably, but it still hurts.

I just feel like the universe is telling me that I don't deserve love. My friend Nikki has one guy after another ready to commit lifelong. I can't even find one. She's not even done with her previous relationship yet and already has a guy asking for her heart. It's just not fair.

My boss and coworker Mike were “flirting” with me all night. I wore a bit of a “cleavagy” dress to work and they were commenting all night, like usual. I was getting frustrated by it because I just feel so unwanted out here. I stopped my boss at one moment and said (jokingly, but really seriously), “How come I have you guys all in a tizzy, but no one ever asks me out?” come no one ever asks me out? Besides creepsters that is.

CRAgent text me today. Most stupid and random text convo in the history of convo's, I'm not even going to put in what was said, because it was the most pointless back and forth of my life and it would be a waste of time to repeat it. After his last text I just didn't respond. What's the point? I don't really care to see him ever again.

I told Mike tonight at work (again jokingly, but really seriously) that I've decided to not touch a penis for the rest of the year. After I said it though, it got me to thinking...that's kind of an interesting challenge. I might just see how long I can actually do that. And I'm talking, flesh to flesh, not accidentally brushing by someone at work or something. The tally begins...

So, I've really got to start focusing on me. Becoming someone I really love so that in turn someone could love me. That's my new goal. Love myself.

Things I love about me:

-How much I exercise
-My eyes
-That I'm kinda funny...sometimes, when I wanna be
-That I can act, and dance funny and sort of sing
-That I'm a decent writer

Ok, so I gotta work on not being so humble also, because it kind of defeats the purpose of being proud. I hate to say things like, I'm a kickass actress. Cause then I feel too egotistical.

Alright...going over to my neighbor/coworkers for some boss is gonna be there. Not gonna lie, he's pretty darn cute when he wants to be, but he is a cheater cheater and with a girl he's been dating forever, that has to know he's a no good scoundrel. I won't touch his penis! I promise!

*so it turns out I'm spending the night depressing.


  1. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but here goes, from my personal experiences in my humble opinion:

    When you aren't looking for love, it totally happens. When you're at peace with yourself, and are in love with yourself, and don't focus on finding a man, it happens.

    When you're asking the universe why you can't find a man, you sometimes put out a desperation factor that men can detect, and that's not sexy.

    Just focus on yourself, build up yourself, your own confidence. You should never put your own self worth on if someone wants you or not.

    Believe in yourself, you're an amazing actress, a gorgeous human being, and forget about finding a man.

    When you're not looking, he'll find you :)

  2. So true. You really do need to love yourself first. I'm always working on that.

  3. So I ABSOLUTELY LOVE your blog. It's so insightful in so many ways, and yet a good way for me to get a laugh as well. This is probably the most interesting blog I have ever come across. If it hadn't been for your comment, I never would have been able to stumble across it! I can't wait to catch up on all that I've missed!!!

  4. I just got done with a long conversation with a blogging friend of mine about the exact kind of dating problems, go to my wizard of otin blog and under my followers there is a list of my chatting friends, click on Midtown girl!

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