Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I'm a tool.

May 12, 2009.

Can't sleep. It's 4:36am and I've been tossing and turning for the past ½ hour. Not sure if it's the Yogurtland I had last night or the fact that I'm upset about Seattle.

I can't help but feel like a tool in this situation. I feel like Seattle guided me to say what I said yesterday. As if he was unhappy, but didn't want to be the one to break it off because he'd feel so guilty about it, especially since we slept together. So, he used this Becks situation in order to guide me to be the one to break up with him. That way, I come off as the “mature” one, the “responsible one”, the “wonderful one” for being so caring and realistic about the situation and he gets off scott free with exactly what he wanted: my newly founded v-card and Becks.


It just makes me unsure of what to believe anymore! I already had major trust issues with guys before I met him. But, I was just beginning to think I'd found someone that actually says what he means and means what he says. Now, I feel like it was a two month scam.

I don't think I want to see him. I mean, what's the point? To have sex one last time? To fake that we're still into each other so he didn't waste $200 on a plane ticket for nothing?

I feel cursed. I feel as if I am destined to be single forever. I suppose it is what I need right now in order to get my career going. But, I'm so tired of being lonely.

Not gonna lie, I'm a bit P.O'd with Seattle and I can't help but think of him spending this night with Becks and I really have no doubt in my mind that he's going to fall under that spell again within the next two weeks. I want no part of it.



  1. whoa, whoa, whoa!! man, i really fell behind. where did this come from?! i just read your older posts and i can't believe this happened already. i was thinking this will happen like a year from now but so soon?

    first, you are absolutely right. this is much better stuff than your mercury retrograde or whatever. hehe just kidding.

    second, i heard about yogurtland. and when it comes to chicago will be the day i sing to the world!! my fiancee and i loooooove frozen yogurt.

    third, i told you about guys remember? freakin guys....i hate them. i wouldnt trust me, either. we have the worst trust/commitment issues.

    but i guess it is better now than later ya know. better 2 months into it, than 2 years, or after engaged, after kids, or married, etc etc. dont feel down. this doesnt mean that seattle isnt the one. and if he isnt, then move on like nobody's business. everyone HAS a soul mate. he is out there. you can be ugly as a smashed up smashed up cheesecake. even it, has a soulmate. it's all a journey, ya know?

    don't worry homie. i know you will be strong and no matter what your friends (and blog readers haha) are always there to back you up.

    relationships are the damn hardest thing in the world. lots of sacrifices, lots of work. its not gonna come natural. i think you should go and see seattle to at least talk about it face to face.... even if it does only mean getting some action. you never know.....

  2. btw, you are going to have way more followers than me in no time. im jealous :P

    also i didnt get to proofread the last comment i wrote so if you see a lot of mistakes that doesnt mean im dumb haha.

    i should really stop leaving comments in texting format.

  3. Don't worry! It's him that's the idiot, not you. You're not cursed. I'm 25 and single. I think once you make peace with yourself and get to where you want to be then someone will fall into your lap! (pun not intended ;-) Keep your chin up. The right guy for you is out there somewhere.

    P.S. The 30-Day Shred is at Target for around $12 or on Amazon for $8. :-) It's tough, but at least the work out is over in 20 minutes.

  4. Oh don't worry, gorgeous! Men are men, we shouldn't expect too much from them - just focus on yourself like you said you would!


  5. Just popping by, I love reading your blogs, they are so open and honest, can't wait till the next one

  6. Um..I'm going to need to read the older posts...I'm a bit confused.
    But from what i read, this guy is an idiot. And most men are idiots.
    And don't take singlehood as a curse. It is definitely not a curse, and don't let him or anyone else fool you into believing so.
    Everything will fall into place when you least expect it to.
    Oh and I love my cat. I recommend you rescue a cat or a dog from somewhere too. They really help you destress.