Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I'm a tool.
May 12, 2009.
Can't sleep. It's 4:36am and I've been tossing and turning for the past ½ hour. Not sure if it's the Yogurtland I had last night or the fact that I'm upset about Seattle.
I can't help but feel like a tool in this situation. I feel like Seattle guided me to say what I said yesterday. As if he was unhappy, but didn't want to be the one to break it off because he'd feel so guilty about it, especially since we slept together. So, he used this Becks situation in order to guide me to be the one to break up with him. That way, I come off as the “mature” one, the “responsible one”, the “wonderful one” for being so caring and realistic about the situation and he gets off scott free with exactly what he wanted: my newly founded v-card and Becks.
It just makes me unsure of what to believe anymore! I already had major trust issues with guys before I met him. But, I was just beginning to think I'd found someone that actually says what he means and means what he says. Now, I feel like it was a two month scam.
I don't think I want to see him. I mean, what's the point? To have sex one last time? To fake that we're still into each other so he didn't waste $200 on a plane ticket for nothing?
I feel cursed. I feel as if I am destined to be single forever. I suppose it is what I need right now in order to get my career going. But, I'm so tired of being lonely.
Not gonna lie, I'm a bit P.O'd with Seattle and I can't help but think of him spending this night with Becks and I really have no doubt in my mind that he's going to fall under that spell again within the next two weeks. I want no part of it.