Tuesday, May 26, 2009

"I'm not single, I'm busy!"

May 25, 2009.

Man man man oh man am I busy these days! I love it though. In a recent interview with Renee Zellweiger she was quoted, when asked about her single life, as saying, “I'm not single, I'm busy!” That is my motto this year. I'm finally living up to it. I realized tonight that I don't even think about guys when I'm this busy.

I'm so thankful that this weekend turned out to be cruelly busy because I didn't get sad about Seattle not being here. And, I made money and had a great time at work and at rehearsals! So, yay for me!

Anywho, nothing much to report on the man front today. Worked from noon to 7pm with no break. My boss came in around 4:30pm and I was a little nervous to see him because I haven't since those crazy texts. I think he was a little nervous to see me too. He wasn't as jokey as he usually is with me and was taking me more serious than usual...hmmm. But, in a good way, not like a “cold shoulder” kind of way.

Then we started joking around about my engagement ring and he put his arm around me and told me he'd take me anywhere on our honeymoon...as long as there was a bed.

Nikki walked by right as we were joking about being engaged and she rolled her eyes and laughed, saying, “Oh lord! I can't handle this!” It is weird...if it is true that he does have a crush on me. It is a little weird.

Received a text from Seattle around 3am last night: “I was up too late and read ur blog b4 going to sleep and am some what upset. I thought we had a good talk today but I now feel like u thought I was deceiving you all along. Not the case. I can't change how u feel though. I really need to stop thinking about u. Good nite.”

I didn't notice it until this morning and I responded: “I'm pretty pathetic myself. Every time I get a text I secretly hope its from you. I don't think you were deceiving me all along. Thats why I told you on the phone I didn't want to think that way. I don't want to write this all in text but I guess there is still lots to say. I do feel like Becks has been deceiving you all along but that's just me. I'm not there to see for real...” I told him to give me a call this week when he gets a chance. He hasn't responded to the text, so I'm wondering if he even received it.

Oy. I'm feeling better about the situation and it seems like he's feeling worse. Will we always be at opposite ends about this from now on?

Just to clear up any confusion for Seattle or you, my lovely readers. I do not feel like Seattle was deceiving me the whole time. What a waste of time and money that would've been for him if he didn't really care all that much about me. I feel like what we had was real and meaningful and wonderful and intense. I feel like I wanted it more at the moment, since I'm not recently divorced and have been dying to find someone I connect with. But he was not ready for something meaningful and intense. I get it. I don't hold it against him. I still care for him. I hope he finds what he's looking for. I'm disappointed that I can't be a part of his life like I wish I could, but it's for the best.

I need someone here. I shouldn't settle for a long distance. Been there, done that too many times.

And to expand on the Becks thing; I do feel like she's been deceiving him all along.

Here's a little back story. They've been friends for awhile (not sure how long exactly). He started having strong emotions for her towards the end of his marriage. He felt like he was “emotionally cheating” and knew this was bad. So he ended things with his wife before any real cheating took place. Totally respectable. Then he hooked up with Becks once divorced. The catch to it is, that Becks was and still is engaged. She's a cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

Seattle felt really guilty about this and said it made him feel immoral and unhealthy. So he ended the physical relationship, but tried to maintain a friendship. Then he met me.

As friends, Becks would share tales about her and her fiancée and how great things were going between them and Seattle would listen patiently and happily that they worked things out (she told her fiancée everything). But when Seattle started telling Becks about me, she threw a hissy fit, said terrible things to him and made him feel like shit. She wasn't happy for him at all. This was even before we were “official”.

He stopped talking to her for a short while because she made him feel so bad and that's not how friends are supposed to act. Then fast forward to the end of our relationship, Becks shows up again, he wants to try to be friends with her again, God knows why, and we break up. He rekindles the friendship, vowing to be nothing more than just friends, because he doesn't want to feel awful like he did the last time and only about two weeks later he's lying in bed with her.

Becks does not want to see Seattle with anyone else, let alone happy with anyone else. Let's see...she was present and a very valid point in his divorce. And, she was present and a very valid point in our break-up.

Seattle told me on the phone the other night that it just felt “healthy” when he and I were together. I agree. It was natural, and nonjudgmental, and sweet, and honest and caring. He feels unhealthy with Becks. Understandably so. Then my question is: Why can't he rid his life of such an unhealthy, manipulative, evil “friend”?

I mean, I have to say this kindly because I've been there...as I'm sure we all have. I mean, need I remind you of my days with Tony, who admits to being “a horrible person” and yet it took me over a year to believe he really was never going to change?

Seattle, Becks is not going to change. She's always going to push you down, make you feel bad about yourself, punch you in the face while you're down there, then pick you back up, hold you in her arms and make you apologize, because she has successfully led you to believe that you were in fact wrong and deserving of the beating you got.

I hope you learn this sooner than later. I'd hate to see her run off some other wonderful woman that comes into your life.

Ugh. How is it possible that some people just are so awful? Where's the respect for human kind? Don't we all struggle enough already with life? We should be there to help others, not constantly bring them down.

Alright, enough of that yucky saga. On to tomorrow, one of my less busy days this week!


  1. OUCH, talk about being up front, in-yo-face! take that seattle! haha

    being a busy bee is good. makes you feel productive, money comes in, and hopefully your hard work is getting noticed.

    keep it up!

  2. That's because it's so much easier to think "It was me" and blame ourselves than think, "It was you." Because when it comes to people we love, or care about, we want to believe the best in them, so much so that we are willing to cut ourselves up first.
    But at some point, when there's nothing left of ourselves to cut up, or hopefully before that point, we realize that maybe the person we were defending wasn't really deserving of it.
    Good luck to you and Seattle.

  3. long distance sucks. even when the person is great...it sucks for both parties involved. did that enough to know I won't do it again, unless it was an agreed particular amt. of time et cetera.

  4. thanks for the add and the comment.

  5. Hey girl! Maybe I should let him read it...you know you're one of the only ones who said that...and I keep thinking about it.

    I'm trying to get caught up on your blog, sounds juicy, I like it! :)