Wallowing Away...

May 18, 2009.

Not in the greatest of moods today. Ignored most everyone that called to hang out. I know, I was being selfish and wallowing in self pity.

Basically, the other day when I got my biopsy results the doctor recommended surgery. Not only does the idea of surgery scare the hell out of me, but I can't afford it and am completely uninsured (being an actress and all). Thirdly, the thought of having incisions made in my cervix makes the thought of sex disgusting. I fear that after the procedure is done, I'll be out of work for at least a week, incredibly sore, hating life and having no one around to hug me and bring me books to read or movies to watch or to tell me I'm still sexy or give me kisses each night.

It never really hits you how lonely you are until you really need someone in your life that understands how scared you are. My girlfriends are absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the entire world. My best friend from Boston even told me that if/when I get this done she would be there for me in a heartbeat.

Well, anyway, the reason this was in the forefront of my mind today in particular is because my mom was researching health insurance for me today. As of three days ago, we hadn't even thought about surgery really being a possibility. We thought the doctor I went to might be a little knife happy and I told him I wanted a second opinion. I have yet to get a second opinion, but my aunt's a nurse and she told my mom I should just “do it.” Easier said than done Auntie.

Ugh. I just want to call and cry to someone about this right now and there's no one.

Today was Seattle's first day at his summer internship. I really wanted to shoot him a text or call him to see how it was going/went. But I refrained. I'm probably the last person he wants to hear from right now.

My H.S. Sweetheart text me around 8pm, Eastern time and I didn't respond until 11pm. I was just feeling mopey. It's a shame too, because I have no idea the next time I'll be home again or the next time I'll get a chance to see him. And just because I'm stubborn, I blew this opportunity to reconnect.

I also ran into a blast from the past today. Russ, one of my best friends in H.S. I have not seen him in years and every time I've come home in the past year or so, I just get the same old story from people telling me that “he's not doing so well”. But, I can never get a hold of him or reach him, so I just wait for news each time I come home.

Well, there he stood, flesh and blood in front of me and I gave him the most meaningful hug I've given anyone in the past year, I think. Apparently, he's moving to Japan. In a month. That may have been the last time I see him.

Huh. This has been the strangest trip home I've ever had, I think. I've run into more people from my past then I usually do on a normal Holiday. I wonder why that is. Now I'm feeling really guilty that I didn't spend time with HS sweetheart.

I'm ready to go back to LA tomorrow. I love my friends and family back home, but things seem...well, they seem a little less complicated and more real; I think I need my drama and distractions.