Who's to say what's Good or Bad?

May 20, 2009.

So I have a couple of conflicting issues in my head right now. Issue #1: I like sex. I think it's fun. Issue #2: I don't want to have one night stands and pointless sex (like I stated at the beginning of my year of abstinence). What's a girl to do?

Thank goodness for good friends like Nikki, who supplied me with Velvet (my vibrator) on my birthday, but it's just not the same. Sometimes you want that real person who's gonna press against you, sweat with you, pant with you, try tons of positions with you, pull your hair a little, kiss your lips softly, then maybe a bit more passionately, hold your hands down so that you're merciless, moan with pleasure when you draw your nails down his back. Velvet my friend...I'm sorry, there's just more to sex than orgasming.

I just finished reading, “The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possibly” by A.J. Jacobs. The author was atheist and decided to live a whole year dissecting the bible and abiding by each and every rule as literally as possible. It was very humorous but also very enlightening. Towards the end of the book (spoiler alert) you notice how it has transformed him and he actually enjoys his new found spirituality and “pureness”. He feels like a better person. More enlightened. I want that. I want to feel that way. And I think that's sort of what I had hoped to feel after this year.

I want more enlightenment in my life. What's it all about? Why do humans need relationships so badly to survive? How come it is so hard in this modern world to find just one person you connect with? I want to feel like a good person, who deserves to be in a good relationship with someone else who is also good.

Ok, I'm getting a little carried away. But you get it, I just feel like I've fallen off my original path a bit and perhaps it's time to back track and get back to where I was a few months ago. Plus, I think I need to swear less. It's so un-lady like, and I'm terrible at this. I counted and already I've sworn about five times today. And that's pretty good for me!

Last night, I arrived back in LA at 9:00pm, hurried home and changed, sprayed on some perfume and hopped in the car with Nikki. Off to Porn Star Karaoke at Sardo's...

Man was there eye candy there tonight! Yumm...plus Mike (from C's) came and brought his friend Sean. Also yumm...Sean was chatting me up and I couldn't help but think that Mike was getting jealous. So, out of respect for Mike and I's newly found friendship, I wrote Sean out of the question. At one moment Sean went to use the restroom and Mike approached me, “So you feeling it?” And I nonchalantly said, “I don't date actors.”

“I never said anything about dating,” Mike replies

“Well, I don't hook up with actors...” Then we proceeded to have yet another obnoxious conversation about what happened over a year ago now...GET OVER IT MIKE! WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE SEX!!!

Yuck. Well, when we were leaving the bar, Jake, a guy Nikki is newly interested in and his friend Marvin walked us out to the car. Marvin and I had been joking (sexually) for a bit back and forth, but I was totally joking...no interest whatsoever there. But apparently he didn't get it and after hugging me goodbye twice, he went in for a kiss and some tongue action. I was so confused. I pulled away and said with a smile, “Hey...we gotta save some for later!” (Referring to our fictional date on Thursday).
Eww...guys, why do you do this? What makes you think we want you to kiss us? What makes you think that we're all about making out with a stranger the night we meet them? Ok...sure, some girls like this and go out each night looking for this, but ewwwwwww. I'm severely sickened by this event last night and super nervous that Marvin is going to call tomorrow, expecting to hang out and I'm gonna have to now avoid his calls, his friends and that bar.

I drunk text Todd, Lacey and Seattle last night. I tried sooo hard not to text Seattle, but I couldn't help it. It was just too tempting. I told him, “I'm drunk and all I can think about is you...hope work is going awesome and I hope you don't hate me...”

Heard from him bright and early this morning (on his way to work, I imagine), “Irene, I would never hate you. I think about you all the time as well and this situation really does suck. I am sad and lonely but trying to get by and think about other things.”

I told him that I still want to keep in touch, but perhaps it needs to be through text and email, things a little less personal than phone calls, because it's just too hard to hear his voice. I hope we can still “chat”.

Todd was super happy to get a drunk text from me. He told me that one of the things he “loves about [me]” is the fact that I came back from home and even though I must've been exhausted and jet lagged (due to the time diff), I still went out and partied with my friends. He loves that I party. He leaves on yet another exotic vacation tomorrow morning so he wants to hang out tonight. I'm working till 10pm, but told him to give me a call and let me know where he's gonna be and maybe we can meet up.

Again, another dilemma...Todd's a great guy, but like I said, that last night we hung out, where did the chemistry go? However, I know that when he's drinking and when I'm drinking (damn alcohol! - does damn count as a swear?) things happen. Alcohol+Humans = chemistry up the wazoo.

Humph. I miss Seattle. (waaaa...i sound like such a cry baby. I promise my loyal readers, I will never utter those words again, so help me God!)