I want a Cigarette.

May 11th, 2009

Well, the Seattle chapter has ended just as quickly as it had begun. We are “taking a step back” (my words). He just called me to talk about 'Becks' (as he so affectionately calls her – puke in my mouth) and how he still wants to be friends with her, but because of 'us' and the situation the other night with him bringing girls back to his place, he feels a little 'trapped' and unable to hang out with her like he wants. She's the girl he was with right before me, but it was a messy situation and he ended it.

Ok. I like Seattle. I'm crazy about him. But he's not here. And I can't be there. Bottom line. I never wanted to get in the way of his life. And if he wants 'Becks' in his life right now, then I can't keep doing what we are doing. I would never tell him to not be friends with someone, but I don't trust that woman. I think she's manipulative and always has an ulterior motive behind what she says to him and what she does.

The only thing that really kills me about this situation is how happy 'Becks' is gonna be when she hears this from Seattle. Again...puke in my mouth.

I tried to be as mature in our conversation as possible and I think I succeeded. I know I said what Seattle needed to hear. I think he's been feeling like this for awhile now, but refusing to say anything because he fears that I'll just cut him out of my life completely. Which isn't entirely true, but perhaps I'll be less likely to pick up his every phone call.

I mean I still want to be able to talk to him and enjoy him as someone great in my life, but if we're not together, then there is nothing stopping me from going on dates or exchanging numbers with boys that I meet at bars or a few make out sessions here and there. I'm still going to try and keep my (mostly) abstinent goal. I refuse to revert back to the person I was last year. Although, a one night stand is sounding more and more tempting these days...

Alright, so here's the universe thinking it's making a funny, ha ha, joke. Not more than 20 minutes after I hung up with Seattle and showered and got dressed, there was a knock at my door. It was UPS delivering my Victoria's Secret order, in which is the amazingly sexy bra and panties/g-string set that I was going to wear for Seattle when he arrived...(pictured above). Ok Universe! Good one! You're lucky I have a sense of humor!

He still wants to visit. And I still want him to. But I am very confused about it all now. And I do know that if anything happens between him and 'Becks' before he visits, I may have to ask him to sleep at his brothers. We can still go surfing and hang out at the beach, etc, but I don't want him in the bed next to me, making it hard for me to say no to anything that may transpire.

Oh life. How ridiculous are you?? Well, my faithful readers, be prepared for much more drama in my life from this point forward. Relationships make for boring posts, don't they?

“Absolutely nothing, I'm absolutely fine, absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind...”
~playing on my Pandora 'Lily Allen' station right now.

I am absolutely fine. And I hope Seattle is too.