Isn't the Same

May 15, 2009.

Hung out with Todd. Just wasn't Seattle. I long for him.

I had fun with Todd and his little pug, but I just don't think there's much chemistry there. It makes me wonder if there ever really was or if it was just the alcohol and my neediness at the time we met. There's just this huge wall up with him. I want to ask him so many questions, why he is the way he is, why he's so scared of commitment, why he wants to start hanging out again after all this time, what he really feels for me, why he treated me the way he did last year...so many questions piling up on top of eachother, but I can't seem to even get one out.

I feel as if the moment has passed and now it will just be awkward to have that conversation with him. I suppose the next time we drink together we shall encounter such questions.

I was rather proud of myself though that I didn't sleep over. I didn't want to. It would've been forced and unnatural. He offered for me to sleep in his bed and he'd sleep on the couch, but that's just silly when I haven't had a drop to drink and I can just drive home.

I do think it's sweet of him though, that even though we slept together last year, he's not assuming that each time we hang out we'll be jumping into bed together.

It's so strange to me. If he didn't have his little pug there, I don't know what our conversations would consist of. He's such an ice breaker and an easy distraction from having real conversation. It's a little creepy though. Pug was curled up with me the whole time we watched a movie tonight. At one moment Todd made a joke about how Pug was hogging me. Ha ha. Then he kept commenting on how much Pug missed me. Did he really? Or is that Todd's way of saying he missed me?

Then when he was walking me out to my car I gave him a hug goodnight and thanked him for dinner and a movie and I said, “Bye Pug!” and Todd goes, “No, no, you have to hug him too!” I started to protest (by habit I guess, I don't even know why) but then just leaned over and in a baby voice cooed at Pug and kissed him goodbye. Then I realized how weird that “demand” was.

Todd is a puzzle to me. We didn't even have a goodnight kiss. I was relieved though. All I could think about was Seattle and how much I'd rather be spending time with him and how weird it is to hang out with Todd but talk lovey on the phone to Seattle. I can only have feelings, strong feelings for one guy at a time. And right now, that's Seattle.

Well, preview of this weekend: Heard from Venezuelan John tonight, he wants to hang tomorrow/today...don't know if I'll have time, but I do want to hang out with him sometime soon.

I'm going back home this weekend and shot a text to my high school sweetheart asking if he wants to do drinks either sunday or monday night. He said, “Totally. I'm free both nights.” Wonder if a drunken kiss from him would be the same as when we were 16 and in love...hmmm, if only I could have that again for one day.

So, lots of fun stuff coming up. Updates soon!