The Mating Game...

May 16, 2009.

What is the deal with guys leaving their socks on during sex? I don't think I'll ever understand this phenomenon.

Last night I went out with the girls and apparently got wasted and apparently made out with a commercial real estate agent at Rocco's and apparently brought him back to my place and apparently gave him the best head of his life (sorry for the bluntness) and apparently had some pretty unspectacular, normal, boring sex.

Old habits die hard, I guess. I just needed to feel in control of a situation and in control I totally was. It was a happy feeling. Well CR Agent was attractive and fun and nice and...35!!!! What is the deal? Ok, to date, that makes four guys in my recent past that have been 34 or older. Why are there so many single above thirty year olds out there that are sleeping around with mid-twenty somethings?? This just isn't fair. I need someone younger. Granted, CRAgent had me fooled, I totally thought he was my age, possibly even younger, because he had a baby face on him. Huh, weird.

I didn't feel guilty this morning when I woke up next to someone that I didn't really care about. I felt comfortable. I felt surprisingly normal. Perhaps because it's what happened so many times last year. But the difference was that the guys from last year I actually knew and knew I would see again. CRAgent has my number and I've got his, but I'm not expecting a phone call anytime soon.

This morning we woke up around 9:30. That's when I noticed the socks. We were still butt naked from the night before and had blankets covering us, but his feet were sticking out from under the covers and all I could think was, “his socks are still on”. He rolled over and cuddled me for a bit. It was nice, but totally unemotional. We fooled around a bit more this morning before he took off. We hugged goodbye and he said I should call him when I'm back in town (I'm home this weekend...away from crazy LA) and we'll go out in Hollywood.

Then he hugged me again and said, “Ugh, I'd kiss you, but I've got dragon breathe...” Then he grabbed my cheeks in the palm of his hands and kissed left then right cheek. What are we European all of a sudden?

It's funny because, yes I was very drunk last night, but I wasn't so drunk that I was blacking out. But I have forgotten bits and pieces of our conversation and today they've been coming in and out of thoughts sparatically. After we had sex I remember asking him, “Do your friends think you're crazy?” (referring to the people he was at the bar with and left behind for me) to which he responded, “Why? For going home with a beautiful girl? Nah!” Good answer.

There was also some conversation about his penis. He was commenting on how small it gets when it's not hard. Agreed, it was rather small. But then miraculously it's not bad when he's turned on. Agreed, it was a decent size. Ha, but why that was part of our conversation? Who knows!

Well, I wrote Seattle an email because I'm pretty sure he'll read this blog and be upset about it. I wanted to tell him about it first, so that he didn't have to find out from the blog. I felt an email was a bit more respectful. He's up on Mt. Rainier this weekend with his best friend and I wouldn't have been able to call him anyway. I also wrote in the email that I don't think we can keep talking at this point in time. It hurts too much. If I can't be with him, then I need to move on. Ugh.

I felt like my email to him was becoming a pile of bullshit, so I unloaded some honesty:

I don't even know what I'm really trying to say with this email. I feel as if I'm trying to be all logical/realistic, positive, blah blah bullshit. When all I really wanna do is scream the top of my lungs how sad I am. I finally found someone worth being with and he's not ready. What a cruel twist of fate.

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not gonna find someone who will love me, flaws and all. I know for a fact that you are the only man in my life that will ever read my blog and not judge me and still think I'm a great person. I'm scared that I'll never be able to be as honest with someone as I was/am with you. Honesty is all I want out of life and you give that to me completely. I'm scared I'm not gonna find someone who's gonna stick around for more than a week. I'm scared that I'm boring, I'm scared that I'm not attractive, I'm scared that I have no more chances at real love. I'm scared.

Oh poor pathetic, lost Irene...

Well, I'm seeing lots of people from my past this weekend and will do my best to update and not fall too behind although I will be rather busy. I hope something eye opening happens in the next few days...