Todd...

May 31, 2009.


...is back and apparently here to stay. After work I met Todd at The Great Greek. It's a restaurant right down the street from where I work. I arrived 20 min late (half on accident, half on purpose.) When I walked in he was sitting at the bar having a drink and a huge sigh of relief left him when he saw me. The bartender only charged him for one drink because he “felt bad”. I guess they were worried I was standing him up.

Todd said it wouldn't have surprised him. Kinda glad I made him a bit nervous.

Dinner was fabulous. I was a little tipsy when I got there because I had stayed at work and had a glass of wine before heading out, sort of the reason I was running late. Then I had two more glasses of wine while at dinner. Needless to say, I was in a great mood.

Todd admitted to me that he has commitment issues and I was the first girl he'd gotten close to since his ex and it made him nervous and he purposely acted flaky to sabotage the good thing we had going on. Wow. I never expected to be back here again a year later.

It was nice to have an explanation. However, now I'm a little nervous. He's almost 30, and has had only one relationship in his entire life. It was 7 years ago. That's so foreign for me. I can't imagine at that age only dating one person. What did this girl do to f- him up so badly? I vaguely remember stories he told me last year, and if I'm not mistaken, I think it had something to do with a cheating situation, but maybe I'm getting my stories mixed up with someone else.

Anywho, we had a great dinner then proceeded to Mexicali further down Ventura for some drinks...we didn't want the night to end too early. At Mexicali there were these two older guys (mid 40's) that started talking to us. They kept saying what a cute couple we make and they kept telling him that he had a great girl and then they'd reassure me that I had a good catch as well. It was quite entertaining.

Then Todd's friend called. I picked up the phone and he ecstatically said, “Hey Irene!” When I told him we were at Mexicali, he said that he had literally just left about 10 minutes before and was heading to The Great Greek to “crash our date”. I like Todd's friends a lot, otherwise, I would've been annoyed by this. Well, we decided to meet up with his friends at Senor Fred's.

I was pretty sloshed by this point...three glasses of wine and half a margarita. Todd and I had already been making out a lot at this point. His friends were all excited to see us. Todd kept saying, “You're such a big hit. My friends love you!” and I kept saying, “Well, I don't care what your friends think of me...” meaning it only matters if he likes me. But it was great fun. I ordered Sangria (which is awesome at Fred's, so if you ever go there, get the sangria) and I managed to spill it all over Todd's friends shirt. Luckily enough he was wearing another shirt underneath and the bartender was amazing and took his shirt and rinsed it in the sink, so there was no stain...phew! I felt like a fool, and apologized profusely and offered to pay for his shirt and buy him a drink, etc etc etc. But he was really sweet and didn't seem too phased by it and still seemed to like me by the end of the night.

I helped the guys get some girls numbers and set up a “play date” for us all next weekend. Let's see if that actually happens. I kept telling the guys that I need to get them to come out when all my girls are out as well, cuz they're so much fun. I'm not really sure how well they'd all hit it off though. I doubt Nikki would be interested in any of them, but perhaps Lacey, they're all really sweet guys and I found them to be a lot of fun, but perhaps I should “blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol!” Sorry, that songs been in my head all week.

Anyway, Todd and I walked back to my place after Fred's and proceeded to get our groove on. Now, I'll let you in on a little secret, well, a few secrets rather: Last year, the only two times that I ever slept with Todd, he didn't use a condom. Nor did he “pull out”. I was an idiot and for some reason I didn't speak up about this, and ended up being all paranoid and taking Plan B, both times. Ugh. Well, I swore to myself this would never happen again. And last night, I asked him to put on a condom. He didn't bring one...of course not. However, I'm a modern girl and I have condoms at my place so I got one for him.

The sex was good, but he didn't finish. And I can't help but to feel as though it's because we were using a condom. Seattle had this problem too and I let myself be swayed by my feelings for him and we ditched the condom. Probably a stupid move in retrospect, but what is the deal with guys not being able to get pleasure from sex with a condom?? I don't like this phenomenon. Plus, the even scarier thing about it is that this probably means, the other girls they're sleeping with are having unprotected sex with them as well. Gross.

Well, I enforced the condom rule last night and I'm proud of myself. Todd didn't seem upset, so it must not have been that big a deal to him that he didn't orgasm.

Todd reassured me last night that he knew he made a big mistake by letting me go last year and “it's not gonna happen again.” It was nice to hear that, however, I lay awake this morning with his arms around me and his heart beating against my back and his breath on my neck and I started freaking out a little.

How am I supposed to be his second ever relationship? What if things don't work out btw us? Will he be even more f-uped than the first time? I don't want to damage him further.

I like him. I enjoy spending time with him. He's attractive, he's sweet, he's generous (and has the ability to be generous), he's fun. I just don't really see myself spending the rest of my life with him. And I was just having this discussion with Nikki the other day, that at this point in our lives, being in a relationship that's not going to progress just seems pointless.

I mean, it's not like I don't see any future with Todd, but I'm just not sure he's the best there is for me. I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time. I have rehearsal this afternoon, then a birthday dinner to go to. I told Todd I'd give him a call later when I'm all done with everything. He like, really wants to make this work. Wow.

This morning I got up and showered and started getting ready to head out with him and he grabbed me and brought me back to bed and we spent like ten minutes straight just making out. All I could think was, “I could get used to this.” Having a guy in the same city that I can actually hang out with in the flesh and kiss when I want and sleep next to and have dinner with. Wow, what a concept!

Definitely could get used to this...

So Little Time...

May 30, 2009.

3:44am.

I'm writing at this ridiculously odd hour because 1)I just got home an hour ago and have just finished checking email/getting ready for bed and 2)I probably won't get a chance to write tomorrow. I'm a busy busy girl, remember?

So quick update. My improv show was last night and Todd showed up, like promised with three of his friends. They were fun to have in the audience, but I'm not gonna lie. I was so nervous about performing in front of them. Gave Todd a hug hello and a hug goodbye. I didn't hang out with him after the show because it was Brad's last show with us and he was having a little 'going away' party. Todd text me after he left and said that he really enjoyed the show and that I should text him when I'm on my way home so I can maybe come by.

Well, I didn't start heading home until 2:30am and I was way down in Arcadia and it would've been 3am before I even got to Todd's in Santa Monica. I am really anxious to hang out with him though. There's still so much we need to discuss! So we now have plans for tomorrow evening...dinner. I work, til about 8pm, I believe, unless we get crazy busy at the restaurant. Todd wants to go eat at the Greek restaurant across the street from where I live.

I'm secretly hoping it goes real well and we end up going to a movie or out for drinks and then somehow end up in a situation where we can cuddle. I'm dying to cuddle! Todd calls it “cuzzling”, which, to be honest, I really don't find cute. It's kind of like when the infamous ex used to say, “I have to take a poopaloops!” I always wanted to yell and say, “You're not five! Use real words!”

Hmm...probably a sign that Todd's not quite right for me, but for right now, I just really want to cuddle.

Nikki text me this morning asking if Todd ended up coming over and I told her no...of course not. She text me back: “He's not the right one for you. You are so fucking amazing, and my first (and only) impression of him is that he is mediocre. You deserve someone as amazing as you...that person will come along when its right. We have to keep the faith, and in the meantime, fuck guys! We have enough fun!”

She's absolutely right and I appreciate so much that she said that too me. I'm lucky to have girls in my life that remind me not to settle because of loneliness, but hold out for someone incredible.

I guess I just keep hoping that I've already met that someone incredible.

Been thinking about CRAgent lately. Haven't heard from him at all. Not surprised, but I was hoping a text or two. I keep wanting to text him, but I always feel like I shouldn't be the one chasing...I need to be chased. I know, that sounds so bad, but it's just how I feel. If a guy doesn't put out an effort, I'm not about to beg for his attention.

Alright, busy day ahead of me and I'll be running on about 5 hrs sleep...that is if I don't exercise. Oy, sleep or exercise...it's a tough decision!!

So Much Testosterone!

May 29, 2009.

2:42am.

Well, you could say the night didn't go well or you could say it went great. Depends on your perspective, I suppose. Just got ready for bed and still sweating from a night full of dancing with gay men and some extremely hot not so gay men.

We went to Arena in Hollywood, a gay club with go go dancers and hot bartenders and all the hip hop music you could wish for. We danced our butts off and managed to attract the attention of all the straight, very very sexy go go dancers. When they finished their shift they joined us on the dance floor. It was a yummy yummy time. I exchanged number with one of them, and go figure, he's leaving in a few weeks because he's in the Navy. WTF?! I'm so over the navy. It can bite me.

Well, I had made plans with Todd earlier to meet up after our separate nights out and he had said he was going to crash at my place. Great. I was actually excited. However, here I sit. At my place. Completely alone. And again...why does this shock or surprise me in the slightest? This is Todd we're talking about.

Grrrrrrr!!!! I'm so tired of him being such a flake. I mean he may have a very valid excuse this time and every time, but, if we're just going to continue to make plans then have them not happen, I'm over it. I really wanna just pass out right now, I'm soo tired, but I keep thinking, “Well, what if he calls in like 5 minutes?”

Irene...I hate to be the one to tell you this, but, he's not gonna call. Get over it.

Ok. I'm over it and I'm going to bed.

Goodnight!

Quickie

May 29th, 2009.

Going to the gay bar with the girls and Roger tonight! Woohoo!

Canceled dinner plans with Todd tonight. Hopefully meeting him later after the club...

Don't think I'll hear from Seattle for awhile, bit of a nasty email exchange that's left me fuming a bit today. Proves just how much he cares for Becks. Puke in my mouth.

Venezuelan John text to see what I'm up to tonight. Told him about the gay club.

That's all I've got so far. I'll update either tonight or tomorrow depending on how the night goes...

Affection is Necessary.

May 27 2009.

You guys all gave me great advice about my last posts issue. But I just went ahead and slept with both of them anyway. I figured that was the easiest way to get them off my back! My boss was pretty good....adventurous, not a bad size and very senisitive after. We cuddled.

Todd was a bit rough, but I liked it. He called me names and pulled my hair. But again, after he was Mr. Sensitivity. We cuddled.


Ok....so I'm totally KIDDING!!! I would never do that. I agree with you all. I'm going to thank Todd and continue to tell him that what he did was very very unnecessary, but generous and appreciated. He really isn't the type of guy to do that just to get me into bed. It just definitely makes me feel like I owe him something in return. Our next dinner is definitely on me!

Work was fine today. Boss was there and we joked a little but not too much.

I realized how much I miss affection today. I want a man who will wrap his arms around me from behind and kiss my neck and whisper sweet nothings into my ear. I want that. It feels safe and nice and comforting. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss that.

I just got home, am a little tipsy and should be going to sleep because I'm getting up bright and early to hike with the girls. Love it!

Can't tell you how much I desire to text Boss these days though. I really want him to understand that I do like him. I like him as a boss, I like him as a friend and if he were single and respectable, I'd like him as more. I think we've both gotten our signals crossed lately and are a bit confused. I hope the confusion ends soon.

Supposed to see Todd tomorrow evening. Still have yet to talk to him about his way too generous donation, I hope tomorrow we can talk about it. I need to be brave! I need to just blurt it out!

Ok...sleepy time. Night!

Does Money Always mean Sex??

May 27, 2009.

Oh emotions!! Why must they be so necessary? At work last night, my Boss was getting even more bold. It's probably my fault for letting it get to this point and joking back in return, but wowza! We all have to pay a discount price if we want a “shift meal” but he never makes me pay and before I always took it as, oh well, i'm just such a hard worker and he's rewarding that hard work. But now, I feel bad and think, oh, well, if he keeps paying for things or giving me things for free...it's because he wants to sleep with me. Oy. But last night, we were by ourselves and he goes:

“Irene, you know, I'm gonna be pretty lonely next week. Erica's out of town.”

And I rolled my eyes and sarcastically said, “Oh, so do you want me to come over and keep you company?” Trust me, it was an incredibly sarcastic tone.

And he kept saying things about it, like he'd be a gentleman, and I could have the bed, he'd sleep on the couch, blah blah blah. Then I just had to walk away. The whole situation is just making me angry now. I've always thought of him as a decent guy, despite knowing about his infidelities. He's a great boss, a nice guy, he can be serious and get down to business when need be. But that was all before he started blatently hitting on me through text and at work!!!

Nikki and I were on our way to a pub last night after work and she goes, “I think Boss is in love with you!”

And I sort of freaked out and told her how angry I am. It just sucks for me, because if he is, wonderful, what does that do for me? He's still with his girlfriend, and I'm not about to be one of his infidelities and even if they weren't together, I wouldn't trust starting anything with him because he's a cheat. I wanna say that to him, but how does one say that to their boss?? I need a drunken night of honesty with him. That way, the next day I can always be like, “Oh well, that was the booze talking!” in case it goes terribly wrong. But I suppose drinking with him is a bad idea as well, since that would lead to temptation. Ugh. It's just so weird.

Well, my night got even more drama filled. At the bar with Nikki and Jess and Nikki's new interest, I had a glass of wine and then became really sad and introverted. I just couldn't help but to feel hopeless again. I just feel as though I'm going to live in LA for a lot longer and LA does not offer relationships. It offers flings. At least for me. Apparently not for Nikki. So, basically, I have to accept that I'm out here for my career and that means no love for Irene. I've always chosen career over love, so maybe this is just my kharma. Ha. I didn't think of that until just now, but I guess it is my relationship kharma coming out!

Anywho, I decided to go home and mope alone, since everyone kept asking what was wrong (I guess they could tell despite my attempts at acting normal) and I could only say so many times, “I'm so exhausted!” I text Seattle on the way home. Big mistake. I was on the verge of tears even before we talked but I just wanted to ask him one thing.

“What's wrong with me? Why is no one willing to be in a relationship with me?” I feel like it must be me. I mean Seattle seemed like he liked me a whole lot, but now he's going around sleeping with other girls, so it must've been me, right?

Well, our conversation quickly went south and I ended up telling him that I just can't be friends with him. What's the point? I've got enough friends here and why would we even bother being friends when we don't even live in the same state?

But, it's true. I feel like Seattle got his cake and ate it too and now he's got everything he wants: a single life with which he's free to bang as many chicks as he wants, he's friends with me, which is basically what we were before, since we couldn't really see one another, he gets his sex from Becks and his emotional support from me. What do I get? A whole lot of shit thrown in my face. Yeah, that's not equal and I'm not willing to do that for him.

The convo last night was pretty bad and I woke up this morning with a new perspective. I wrote him an apology email for how the conversation went last night, but I told him I still feel the same way. I don't want to be friends. He's the one that wanted out. He's out. There's no need for him to still be hanging on to me.

Alright, so on to more confusion and randomness. Todd called me yesterday, he's back in town. We chatted, he told me how excited he is that I have an improv show this friday and he's been getting all his friends together to come out. I told him the drama the theater is having and we may not even be getting to perform this friday. He got all sad and told me whatever I or the company needs he's there. I just said 'thanks' but we'll figure it out.

So this morning, I woke up to a phone call from the artistic director/owner of my theater company. I let it go to voicemail since I was barely awake. Then I listened to the message:

“Hey Irene, its John. I just wanted to call you and say thank you for speaking to your friend Todd. He made a $500 donation to the theater to keep that Detour show happening. It was very very generous. Thank you for speaking to him on behalf of the company like that, I really appreciate it.”

I jumped out of bed. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT?? I'm so confused by this, a little weirded out, a bit excited and sort of uncomfortable. I never expected nor did I want Todd to do this for me. I just casually mentioned the drama to him to let him know the venue may change and here he is throwing around $500 for our silly little improv show. Wow. I'm speechless.

Now, I have to call and thank him and what....sleep with him? Ha. I don't know. What's appropriate in this situation? I know he didn't do this to get laid, that's not his style. But, really, what is it that he wants from me? I don't understand. All of a sudden, he's back in my life and wants to stay in it so badly that he's making way too generous donations to my theater company?

Ok, I'm weirded out by it. Gotta run to an acting class information session, otherwise I'd ramble on longer about this crazy situation. But, I'll update later this evening.

"I'm not single, I'm busy!"

May 25, 2009.

Man man man oh man am I busy these days! I love it though. In a recent interview with Renee Zellweiger she was quoted, when asked about her single life, as saying, “I'm not single, I'm busy!” That is my motto this year. I'm finally living up to it. I realized tonight that I don't even think about guys when I'm this busy.

I'm so thankful that this weekend turned out to be cruelly busy because I didn't get sad about Seattle not being here. And, I made money and had a great time at work and at rehearsals! So, yay for me!

Anywho, nothing much to report on the man front today. Worked from noon to 7pm with no break. My boss came in around 4:30pm and I was a little nervous to see him because I haven't since those crazy texts. I think he was a little nervous to see me too. He wasn't as jokey as he usually is with me and was taking me more serious than usual...hmmm. But, in a good way, not like a “cold shoulder” kind of way.

Then we started joking around about my engagement ring and he put his arm around me and told me he'd take me anywhere on our honeymoon...as long as there was a bed.

Nikki walked by right as we were joking about being engaged and she rolled her eyes and laughed, saying, “Oh lord! I can't handle this!” It is weird...if it is true that he does have a crush on me. It is a little weird.

Received a text from Seattle around 3am last night: “I was up too late and read ur blog b4 going to sleep and am some what upset. I thought we had a good talk today but I now feel like u thought I was deceiving you all along. Not the case. I can't change how u feel though. I really need to stop thinking about u. Good nite.”

I didn't notice it until this morning and I responded: “I'm pretty pathetic myself. Every time I get a text I secretly hope its from you. I don't think you were deceiving me all along. Thats why I told you on the phone I didn't want to think that way. I don't want to write this all in text but I guess there is still lots to say. I do feel like Becks has been deceiving you all along but that's just me. I'm not there to see for real...” I told him to give me a call this week when he gets a chance. He hasn't responded to the text, so I'm wondering if he even received it.

Oy. I'm feeling better about the situation and it seems like he's feeling worse. Will we always be at opposite ends about this from now on?

Just to clear up any confusion for Seattle or you, my lovely readers. I do not feel like Seattle was deceiving me the whole time. What a waste of time and money that would've been for him if he didn't really care all that much about me. I feel like what we had was real and meaningful and wonderful and intense. I feel like I wanted it more at the moment, since I'm not recently divorced and have been dying to find someone I connect with. But he was not ready for something meaningful and intense. I get it. I don't hold it against him. I still care for him. I hope he finds what he's looking for. I'm disappointed that I can't be a part of his life like I wish I could, but it's for the best.

I need someone here. I shouldn't settle for a long distance. Been there, done that too many times.

And to expand on the Becks thing; I do feel like she's been deceiving him all along.

Here's a little back story. They've been friends for awhile (not sure how long exactly). He started having strong emotions for her towards the end of his marriage. He felt like he was “emotionally cheating” and knew this was bad. So he ended things with his wife before any real cheating took place. Totally respectable. Then he hooked up with Becks once divorced. The catch to it is, that Becks was and still is engaged. She's a cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

Seattle felt really guilty about this and said it made him feel immoral and unhealthy. So he ended the physical relationship, but tried to maintain a friendship. Then he met me.

As friends, Becks would share tales about her and her fiancée and how great things were going between them and Seattle would listen patiently and happily that they worked things out (she told her fiancée everything). But when Seattle started telling Becks about me, she threw a hissy fit, said terrible things to him and made him feel like shit. She wasn't happy for him at all. This was even before we were “official”.

He stopped talking to her for a short while because she made him feel so bad and that's not how friends are supposed to act. Then fast forward to the end of our relationship, Becks shows up again, he wants to try to be friends with her again, God knows why, and we break up. He rekindles the friendship, vowing to be nothing more than just friends, because he doesn't want to feel awful like he did the last time and only about two weeks later he's lying in bed with her.

Becks does not want to see Seattle with anyone else, let alone happy with anyone else. Let's see...she was present and a very valid point in his divorce. And, she was present and a very valid point in our break-up.

Seattle told me on the phone the other night that it just felt “healthy” when he and I were together. I agree. It was natural, and nonjudgmental, and sweet, and honest and caring. He feels unhealthy with Becks. Understandably so. Then my question is: Why can't he rid his life of such an unhealthy, manipulative, evil “friend”?

I mean, I have to say this kindly because I've been there...as I'm sure we all have. I mean, need I remind you of my days with Tony, who admits to being “a horrible person” and yet it took me over a year to believe he really was never going to change?

Seattle, Becks is not going to change. She's always going to push you down, make you feel bad about yourself, punch you in the face while you're down there, then pick you back up, hold you in her arms and make you apologize, because she has successfully led you to believe that you were in fact wrong and deserving of the beating you got.

I hope you learn this sooner than later. I'd hate to see her run off some other wonderful woman that comes into your life.

Ugh. How is it possible that some people just are so awful? Where's the respect for human kind? Don't we all struggle enough already with life? We should be there to help others, not constantly bring them down.

Alright, enough of that yucky saga. On to tomorrow, one of my less busy days this week!

Playing field levelled...

May 24, 2009.

Ahh! It's the first time I've missed a day of blogging all month. I have a good excuse though. I was out of my house from 8am yesterday morning until 11am this morning. My schedule is crazy busy this weekend (thank God!it distracts me from Seattle's nonexistent visit).

Wow. So much can happen in a day though! So, my boss started texting me on friday night. He was supposed to come out with us, then plans changed, I stayed in and I thought he went to a bar with Nikki. So after like a half hour of texts I was confused, “Aren't you with Nikki?” He apparently didn't go to the bar at all and had stayed home also. So now, the funny playful text messages I had presumed were for the entertainment of him and Nikki, took on a whole different meaning. He was texting some racey sh*t...

I wasn't really in a playful mood, I had been thinking about Seattle and being sad, so I wasn't really making an effort to keep this fl-exting (flirting through text) thing going. I gave up and decided I should go to bed. Said goodnight. This is what he text me:

“Good night, sweet dreams, I mean that. I love that you work there and that I get to work with you. Erica [his girlfriend] always says, “You always talk so highly about Irene it's like you have a crush on her.” Maybe I do...haha, no it's just sexual...haha. Good night!”

I didn't respond. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttt the heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllll?? That's what I was thinking. I'm so confused by him.

Haven't seen him since friday, so not really sure what's going on there.

Last night, me and the girls had decided to go out dancing. We found this place in NoHo called 'Skinny's'. So we ventured out. I had received a text from CRAgent telling me to give him a call after we're done dancing. He told me he was house sitting and there was a jacuzzi. Needless to say I brought my bikini to the bar.

We danced our butts off at this place. It was a lot of fun. There were quite a few guys there but not too many that I'd actually want to get with. When we were done, I text CRAgent and asked if he was still up. He told me to come over. Turns out the place he was house sitting was right down the street from Nikki's, which is where we were. She drove me over there.

He is cute. Cuter than I remembered. He invited me in and I met his older bro. They were playing pool in this amazingly huge beautiful home that belongs to his sister. I was drooling over this place. It was a complete dream home.

Well, I think he was anxious to hang out with me, because his bro wanted to play another round of pool and he really didn't want to. I made him. I never want to get in between someone and their family or friends. I'm not that kind of girl. So I watched as they battled it out...CRAgent kicked some ass. Then he gave me a tour of the house, I met the dog, Charlie and the tour conveniently ended in the master bedroom, where we ended up in bed, making out and fooling around.

Unfortunately, Aunt flo is in town this weekend, and I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of having sex while bleeding. Especially in someone else's big white fluffy bed. Hell no! So, there was no sex, but (to the tune of 'Found a peanut'):
“I touched a penis, touched a penis, touched a penis, not too small, touched a penis, touched a penis, touched a penis, that is all...”

How old am I again? Ha, so I guess my goal to not touch a penis for awhile is shot out the window. I'm not gonna lie. He's got an awfully nice one. It's not too small, not too big, it's just right. And I enjoy touching it.

The verdict on CRAgent is this: he seems like a really great guy. He seems sweet. He seems mature. I don't know if there's a lot of passion there. I don't know what his likes/dislikes are. I don't know much more than his first name and how to make him orgasm. Not sure where this one is heading, but I'm interested in finding out.

He drove me home at 11 this morning so I could get ready for work. We kissed goodbye in the car, it was sweet.

When I got home, saw that I had missed a text last night from Seattle: “I'm broken. I totally fucked up. And I read the blog. Don't know why I am wanting to talk to you because I know it would hurt both of us. But I still want to.”

I was feeling very zen this morning, so I figured it couldn't hurt to have a quick convo before work. I refused to let it end in tears and decided I really wanted to have a nice conversation with him for a change.

Well...I'm proud of myself. He told me within the first five minutes of the convo that he slept with 'Becks', just like I predicted. Girls know these things...we can sense it even from two states away. I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I didn't hang up, I just listened. And it made me feel so much better.

This totally evens out the playing field (maybe even makes him in a worse position because I was the one hurting and upset and looking for a distraction when I slept with CRA, but he just always had feeling for Becks and wouldn't admit it.) Gross, but now I can peacefully move on.

I told him this news actually made me happy and he said, “Now you can just tell yourself that the whole time we were together I wanted Becks the whole time. That'll make it easier.”

“No it won't, why would I do that? Is that the truth?” I was appalled at this statement.

“No, I just thought that makes it easier for you to move on.”

Um, no Seattle, that would make me feel worse. That would make me feel like I meant nothing at all to you and you were just using me for the time being since Becks in engaged (didn't know that did you!) and you can't “see [yourself] having a long relationship with her”.

I need to find a picture of this B*tch and make sure I'm more attractive.

We had a good conversation and I'm happy that we did. Of course I'm still a little bitter and not entirely happy with the situation, but things are looking up. He told me he went out to the bar last night and got a number from some strange chick that was playing games with him. A girl that he had gone to the bar with told him after, “Seattle, you can do so much better.”

I said, “Yeah, you had better.”

And he goes, “I know.” I just had to throw that at him. I guess I do want him to hurt. Maybe just a little.

Ugh. Life. Todd's back this week. Hoping to see CRAgent again this week. I'm free to do what I want!

Off to improv!

Love Thyself...

May 22, 2009.

Would've been picking Seattle up from the airport right now if we hadn't changed our situation. Wow...a lot can happen in two weeks, can't it? Not gonna lie. Would much rather be driving to the airport right now than the potential plans I have.

Sadness. I've been avoiding texting him all night. After our conversation yesterday I just know I can't be friends with him. It just makes me too sad. It's not his fault, it's mine. Plus, he told me that me sleeping with someone else really helps him move on. Understandably, but it still hurts.

I just feel like the universe is telling me that I don't deserve love. My friend Nikki has one guy after another ready to commit lifelong. I can't even find one. She's not even done with her previous relationship yet and already has a guy asking for her heart. It's just not fair.

My boss and coworker Mike were “flirting” with me all night. I wore a bit of a “cleavagy” dress to work and they were commenting all night, like usual. I was getting frustrated by it because I just feel so unwanted out here. I stopped my boss at one moment and said (jokingly, but really seriously), “How come I have you guys all in a tizzy, but no one ever asks me out?”

Seriously...how come no one ever asks me out? Besides creepsters that is.

CRAgent text me today. Most stupid and random text convo in the history of convo's, I'm not even going to put in what was said, because it was the most pointless back and forth of my life and it would be a waste of time to repeat it. After his last text I just didn't respond. What's the point? I don't really care to see him ever again.

I told Mike tonight at work (again jokingly, but really seriously) that I've decided to not touch a penis for the rest of the year. After I said it though, it got me to thinking...that's kind of an interesting challenge. I might just see how long I can actually do that. And I'm talking, flesh to flesh, not accidentally brushing by someone at work or something. The tally begins...

So, I've really got to start focusing on me. Becoming someone I really love so that in turn someone could love me. That's my new goal. Love myself.

Things I love about me:

-How much I exercise
-My eyes
-That I'm kinda funny...sometimes, when I wanna be
-That I can act, and dance funny and sort of sing
-That I'm a decent writer

Ok, so I gotta work on not being so humble also, because it kind of defeats the purpose of being proud. I hate to say things like, I'm a kickass actress. Cause then I feel too egotistical.

Alright...going over to my neighbor/coworkers for some drinks...my boss is gonna be there. Not gonna lie, he's pretty darn cute when he wants to be, but he is a cheater cheater and with a girl he's been dating forever, that has to know he's a no good scoundrel. I won't touch his penis! I promise!


*so it turns out I'm spending the night in...how depressing.

Does Everyone Deserve a 2nd (or third or fourth) Chance?

May 21, 2009.

Wow. May is nearing an end. Where does the time go? Went out with the girls after work last night. We're trying to make a weekly venture to a new restaurant/bar/place that we've never been before so we can discover new things and potentially new people. It's fun.

Last night we chose a place in Toluca Lake called 'Timmy Nolans'. It was a pretty cute irish pub. Kind of dead though and lacking excitement, but we still managed to have fun.

Todd told me he was going to meet me out there for a beer before heading home to pack for his trip. Ok. So about an hour later I text to see if he was actually coming and he said, “Scared to drink and drive, when are you coming back to the oaks?”

I told him I'd probably be out until close, half assuming that would deter a hang out because his flight was at 8am this morning and I figured 2am would be too late for him to hang. But he said that was fine and I should text him when I'm headed back so he can meet up with me.

On the way back, I was two beers in and extremely exhausted, but I text him. No response. Lacey dropped me off home, I got ready for bed and climbed under the covers. 30 min later I get a text from him, “I love McCabes!!” That's his favorite bar in Santa Monica. Um...ok random text. Not sure what to do with that one. So I went with, “Have a good trip.”

Then he replied claiming he hadn't seen my text and asking if I was up for a movie and late night chat?

No. I absolutely am not. I told him I couldn't drive. He said, “I'll come to you.” Really? Will you really?

At this point I was so over trying to hang out with him, so tired and my room looked like a tornado had hit fifteen years ago and dust and dirt has been compiling on top of the rubble since. I was in no mood to quickly clean my room for a guy. So I said, “Don't you have to pack?”

He said, “Pack smack, I'm a guy, I'll just throw clothes into my bag.” Ok...so one more try at deterring him, “And you're ok to drive?”

“Yes, I am. I don't want to impose though...well, I do.” I guess he genuinely wants to hang out. I can't figure out why.

So, that's when I fell asleep. I didn't respond to that one...not sure if I even heard my phone beep when I received it. I was so tired.

This morning I woke up and saw that I had one more text from him, “I just finished getting gas, maybe it's not the best idea. When I get back, dinner date, out in Santa Monica or the oaks?”

Oops...he probably thinks I was ignoring him, but really I was just already deep asleep dreaming about my jealousy and insecurity issues.

I don't know, maybe I need to give Todd another chance. I just can't get a stable read on him. Should I do dinner when he comes back? Opinions??

Who's to say what's Good or Bad?

May 20, 2009.

So I have a couple of conflicting issues in my head right now. Issue #1: I like sex. I think it's fun. Issue #2: I don't want to have one night stands and pointless sex (like I stated at the beginning of my year of abstinence). What's a girl to do?

Thank goodness for good friends like Nikki, who supplied me with Velvet (my vibrator) on my birthday, but it's just not the same. Sometimes you want that real person who's gonna press against you, sweat with you, pant with you, try tons of positions with you, pull your hair a little, kiss your lips softly, then maybe a bit more passionately, hold your hands down so that you're merciless, moan with pleasure when you draw your nails down his back. Velvet my friend...I'm sorry, there's just more to sex than orgasming.

I just finished reading, “The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possibly” by A.J. Jacobs. The author was atheist and decided to live a whole year dissecting the bible and abiding by each and every rule as literally as possible. It was very humorous but also very enlightening. Towards the end of the book (spoiler alert) you notice how it has transformed him and he actually enjoys his new found spirituality and “pureness”. He feels like a better person. More enlightened. I want that. I want to feel that way. And I think that's sort of what I had hoped to feel after this year.

I want more enlightenment in my life. What's it all about? Why do humans need relationships so badly to survive? How come it is so hard in this modern world to find just one person you connect with? I want to feel like a good person, who deserves to be in a good relationship with someone else who is also good.

Ok, I'm getting a little carried away. But you get it, I just feel like I've fallen off my original path a bit and perhaps it's time to back track and get back to where I was a few months ago. Plus, I think I need to swear less. It's so un-lady like, and I'm terrible at this. I counted and already I've sworn about five times today. And that's pretty good for me!

Last night, I arrived back in LA at 9:00pm, hurried home and changed, sprayed on some perfume and hopped in the car with Nikki. Off to Porn Star Karaoke at Sardo's...

Man was there eye candy there tonight! Yumm...plus Mike (from C's) came and brought his friend Sean. Also yumm...Sean was chatting me up and I couldn't help but think that Mike was getting jealous. So, out of respect for Mike and I's newly found friendship, I wrote Sean out of the question. At one moment Sean went to use the restroom and Mike approached me, “So you feeling it?” And I nonchalantly said, “I don't date actors.”

“I never said anything about dating,” Mike replies

“Well, I don't hook up with actors...” Then we proceeded to have yet another obnoxious conversation about what happened over a year ago now...GET OVER IT MIKE! WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE SEX!!!

Yuck. Well, when we were leaving the bar, Jake, a guy Nikki is newly interested in and his friend Marvin walked us out to the car. Marvin and I had been joking (sexually) for a bit back and forth, but I was totally joking...no interest whatsoever there. But apparently he didn't get it and after hugging me goodbye twice, he went in for a kiss and some tongue action. I was so confused. I pulled away and said with a smile, “Hey...we gotta save some for later!” (Referring to our fictional date on Thursday).
Eww...guys, why do you do this? What makes you think we want you to kiss us? What makes you think that we're all about making out with a stranger the night we meet them? Ok...sure, some girls like this and go out each night looking for this, but ewwwwwww. I'm severely sickened by this event last night and super nervous that Marvin is going to call tomorrow, expecting to hang out and I'm gonna have to now avoid his calls, his friends and that bar.

I drunk text Todd, Lacey and Seattle last night. I tried sooo hard not to text Seattle, but I couldn't help it. It was just too tempting. I told him, “I'm drunk and all I can think about is you...hope work is going awesome and I hope you don't hate me...”

Heard from him bright and early this morning (on his way to work, I imagine), “Irene, I would never hate you. I think about you all the time as well and this situation really does suck. I am sad and lonely but trying to get by and think about other things.”

I told him that I still want to keep in touch, but perhaps it needs to be through text and email, things a little less personal than phone calls, because it's just too hard to hear his voice. I hope we can still “chat”.

Todd was super happy to get a drunk text from me. He told me that one of the things he “loves about [me]” is the fact that I came back from home and even though I must've been exhausted and jet lagged (due to the time diff), I still went out and partied with my friends. He loves that I party. He leaves on yet another exotic vacation tomorrow morning so he wants to hang out tonight. I'm working till 10pm, but told him to give me a call and let me know where he's gonna be and maybe we can meet up.

Again, another dilemma...Todd's a great guy, but like I said, that last night we hung out, where did the chemistry go? However, I know that when he's drinking and when I'm drinking (damn alcohol! - does damn count as a swear?) things happen. Alcohol+Humans = chemistry up the wazoo.

Humph. I miss Seattle. (waaaa...i sound like such a cry baby. I promise my loyal readers, I will never utter those words again, so help me God!)

That "Mature Essence"

May 19, 2009. Update.

Still traveling...sitting in Chicago now, waiting for my final flight. I'm just wondering, what is the deal with older guys and me?? In the matter of 3 hours that I've been here waiting for my flight, I've had two older gentlemen strike up conversations with me. Now, I know, I know, just because they're chatting with me doesn't mean they're thinking sexual thoughts. But...it probably does. One even offered to buy me a drink while we waited for the plane. I actually said no!!! Well, I said, “Oh thanks, but I think I'm gonna go take a nap or something...” But that counts as a no, right? I'm proud of myself for not just saying, “Sure!” and then spending the next hour awkwardly chatting with this fifty something guy...

Text Lacey about this situation I'm in and told her I NEED to start meeting guys my age. She responded and said, “Well, what if when you're older it turns around and all the youngin's want ya?” Now there's a thought...I like it!

Why do you think older men hit on younger girls? Do you think they believe they actually have a real chance? Are younger girls too nice? How do you chat with someone and show them you don't want anything more than a nice conversation?

On top of this all, I am wearing my “engagement ring” on my left hand. No one's commented or noticed...

Unequal Relations...

May 19, 2009.
In the car on the way to the airport my sister and I were discussing how in most relationships someone tends to love the other person more than that person loves them. It can never really be equal. Is this true? Is there no equality in relationships, ever? She admitted that she feels its true in her relationship. I won't say which way.

It makes me think about my past relationships and wonder who was I in those cases? I feel like in all cases I tend to be the one that loves less. Not on purpose, maybe I just subconsciously play it safe or perhaps I'm scared to let myself love more. Could be...

Walking to my terminal I couldn't help but think about what a fuck up I've been about the whole Seattle thing. I was not a graceful loser and now I have regrets. I have regrets because I feel as though I've blown out of the water any possible chance the two of us may have had in the future at reuniting. Now, I'm just that crazy b*tch who slept around right after and refused to be friends.

Ok, so that's an exaggeration on how it feels to be me right now. I thought about online dating again last night. Lacey does it. She uses some of the free websites and goes on lots of dates and leaves her options open. Lately she's gone on a few really great dates with the same guy. I still wonder though, does online dating really work?

My mom just told me a story about her best friend who's never had any luck in love. Most recently, she had been dating a guy for about three months, who she found online. He seemed great, talked about plans for them in the future, etc. Then, she found something he posted on craigslist. He was posing as a married man looking for a threesome and posting as a guy offering his services to married women who's “husbands just aren't cutting it.” Eww. Gross. And how does one hide all this information from the person they're most intimate with? How scary is that? And how's she supposed to trust anyone again?

I don't know, I still don't really like the idea of finding people online. They always come off better then they actually are. I should just post a craigslist ad for this blog with the note: “If what you read is a real turn-on and you still think I'm a decent person after all that honesty, then give me a call!”

I just want someone who makes me happy. Who makes me laugh. Who holds me when I cry. Who knows how to relax and have fun. Who's spontaneous and romantic and not afraid to do something a little wild that we can't really afford, but what the heck? We're young!

Ugh. Where is he already?

Wallowing Away...

May 18, 2009.

Not in the greatest of moods today. Ignored most everyone that called to hang out. I know, I was being selfish and wallowing in self pity.

Basically, the other day when I got my biopsy results the doctor recommended surgery. Not only does the idea of surgery scare the hell out of me, but I can't afford it and am completely uninsured (being an actress and all). Thirdly, the thought of having incisions made in my cervix makes the thought of sex disgusting. I fear that after the procedure is done, I'll be out of work for at least a week, incredibly sore, hating life and having no one around to hug me and bring me books to read or movies to watch or to tell me I'm still sexy or give me kisses each night.

It never really hits you how lonely you are until you really need someone in your life that understands how scared you are. My girlfriends are absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the entire world. My best friend from Boston even told me that if/when I get this done she would be there for me in a heartbeat.

Well, anyway, the reason this was in the forefront of my mind today in particular is because my mom was researching health insurance for me today. As of three days ago, we hadn't even thought about surgery really being a possibility. We thought the doctor I went to might be a little knife happy and I told him I wanted a second opinion. I have yet to get a second opinion, but my aunt's a nurse and she told my mom I should just “do it.” Easier said than done Auntie.

Ugh. I just want to call and cry to someone about this right now and there's no one.

Today was Seattle's first day at his summer internship. I really wanted to shoot him a text or call him to see how it was going/went. But I refrained. I'm probably the last person he wants to hear from right now.

My H.S. Sweetheart text me around 8pm, Eastern time and I didn't respond until 11pm. I was just feeling mopey. It's a shame too, because I have no idea the next time I'll be home again or the next time I'll get a chance to see him. And just because I'm stubborn, I blew this opportunity to reconnect.

I also ran into a blast from the past today. Russ, one of my best friends in H.S. I have not seen him in years and every time I've come home in the past year or so, I just get the same old story from people telling me that “he's not doing so well”. But, I can never get a hold of him or reach him, so I just wait for news each time I come home.

Well, there he stood, flesh and blood in front of me and I gave him the most meaningful hug I've given anyone in the past year, I think. Apparently, he's moving to Japan. In a month. That may have been the last time I see him.

Huh. This has been the strangest trip home I've ever had, I think. I've run into more people from my past then I usually do on a normal Holiday. I wonder why that is. Now I'm feeling really guilty that I didn't spend time with HS sweetheart.

I'm ready to go back to LA tomorrow. I love my friends and family back home, but things seem...well, they seem a little less complicated and more real; I think I need my drama and distractions.

So, I procrastinated...

Here are my award nominations finally....
-Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
-Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
*Note: Am I a weirdo for thinking that 15 blogs is a lot? I love these awards, and feel that they're awards for a reason. Feel free to tell me I'm a complete self-righteous nut job, but I'm going to nominate 5 blogs instead. Make it a little more special. I hope this is okay! And those blogs are:


Thank you to Ali, who gave me this award. And I agree that 15 nominations is way too many so I am going to follow Ali's lead and nominate 5 blogs I feel deserve this:

1.Gingerella
2.Nightgowns and Cigarettes
3.Moments of Perfect Clarity
4.Barefoot in San Diego
5.Bumblebee Running

Keep up the great writing and thanks for giving me lots of interesting reading!

"Push/Pull"

May 17, 2009.

Feeling a bit sad today. Had a good day, but at the end of it...who do I have to call or share it with? Just the wonderfully affectionate kitty on my lap.

Spent the day at the Lilac Festival with my family. Love them. Got to finally meet my cousins boy. He's sweet. So typically her type. They've been dating for over a year now and this was the first time I've met him. It's interesting because I never saw them in their “puppy love” stage, so I wonder how this version compares. They're not incredibly affectionate, but you can tell there's a lot of love there. It's nice.

Spent way too little time with my friend Ike. We talked about relationship stuff. We're both in the same boat right now. We so badly want something “consistent”. The flings and one night stands...not a challenge. Finding someone who see's through your bullshit and sticks around? Im-f-ing-possible. He's currently spending some time with a girl we went to high school with. He had a crush on her back in the day (I don't remember this), but he recently re-met her and they've been hanging out. I remember her being way sweet, but a little quiet and boring. Not who I'd picture him with. But, I suppose she's the perfect “settling down” type.

Then there's my friend A.E. He's been my friend since 8th grade. Went through an “I'm in love with you” phase with me (nothing ever happened) and then just basically became like a part of my family. He's great and rarely has a girl in his life. I don't feel bad for him though, because he's one of the happiest people I know. Genuine, caring and overall wonderful. He doesn't need a girl, but I know he'd sure appreciate one.

It's just always such an interesting mix of relations when I come home. I'd love to have a guy around long enough to experience it all.

Was planning on seeing my high school sweetheart tonight. Made plans to go out for a drink with him and some other friends. He apparently had some trouble at the home front...roommate issues and couldn't leave until they were resolved. Maybe we'll hang tomorrow. It sure would be nice. I miss his friendship.

Seattle text me on his way home from Mt. Rainier. He hadn't read the email yet. I felt terrible. I told him I was taking a nap and he should check his email when he gets home. He did. Not really sure how it went over. He shot me a text after, but it was fairly neutral. He agreed on the not talking part though. Which now makes me even more sad and all I wanna do is call him and talk about it.

Tony accused me once of being great at the “push and pull”. Now, I've never thought of myself as a manipulative person, but perhaps I was doing something subconsciously to make sure that Tony never left for good. I would get mad, leave, say I'm never speaking to him again, then a month later be lying in his bed, laughing my head off and making dinner plans for the following evening. It's just as much his fault as it is mine though, right? He could've easily said, “No, I don't want you coming over.” But, I suppose he's a man and that would going against all of “man code”. Anywho, my whole point to this ramble is that I don't want Seattle to ever think I'm doing the “push and pull” with him. I really really really really wanna call and talk to him right now. But I'm positive it will just end in tears and him being wonderfully accepting of my flaws and it'll just hurt all the more that I can't have him. I just have a need to know what he's thinking.

It's not really fair, because he gets my full out honest opinions and thoughts in this blog and I have to sit and wonder what's going on in his head. And, I suppose, maybe I'm being a little manipulative right now because I'm assuming that he'll read this and possibly call because of how frustrated I seem. But, Seattle, don't call because I want you to. Call because you have something important to say...or don't call because you know it's the right thing to do.

Ugh! I'll tell you one thing for certain, I will NEVER, EVER, EVER, tell a boy I like about this blog again. Even drunkenly. Even if he just happens upon it one day. I'll deny every word. I just don't think it can lead to any good.

One more day at home then flying back to LA. I was actually getting a little anxious today to be back. I just like my life there a lot and feel like I miss out on a bunch of opportunities by being home. One more day...then back to the madness.

The Mating Game...

May 16, 2009.

What is the deal with guys leaving their socks on during sex? I don't think I'll ever understand this phenomenon.

Last night I went out with the girls and apparently got wasted and apparently made out with a commercial real estate agent at Rocco's and apparently brought him back to my place and apparently gave him the best head of his life (sorry for the bluntness) and apparently had some pretty unspectacular, normal, boring sex.

Old habits die hard, I guess. I just needed to feel in control of a situation and in control I totally was. It was a happy feeling. Well CR Agent was attractive and fun and nice and...35!!!! What is the deal? Ok, to date, that makes four guys in my recent past that have been 34 or older. Why are there so many single above thirty year olds out there that are sleeping around with mid-twenty somethings?? This just isn't fair. I need someone younger. Granted, CRAgent had me fooled, I totally thought he was my age, possibly even younger, because he had a baby face on him. Huh, weird.

I didn't feel guilty this morning when I woke up next to someone that I didn't really care about. I felt comfortable. I felt surprisingly normal. Perhaps because it's what happened so many times last year. But the difference was that the guys from last year I actually knew and knew I would see again. CRAgent has my number and I've got his, but I'm not expecting a phone call anytime soon.

This morning we woke up around 9:30. That's when I noticed the socks. We were still butt naked from the night before and had blankets covering us, but his feet were sticking out from under the covers and all I could think was, “his socks are still on”. He rolled over and cuddled me for a bit. It was nice, but totally unemotional. We fooled around a bit more this morning before he took off. We hugged goodbye and he said I should call him when I'm back in town (I'm home this weekend...away from crazy LA) and we'll go out in Hollywood.

Then he hugged me again and said, “Ugh, I'd kiss you, but I've got dragon breathe...” Then he grabbed my cheeks in the palm of his hands and kissed left then right cheek. What are we European all of a sudden?

It's funny because, yes I was very drunk last night, but I wasn't so drunk that I was blacking out. But I have forgotten bits and pieces of our conversation and today they've been coming in and out of thoughts sparatically. After we had sex I remember asking him, “Do your friends think you're crazy?” (referring to the people he was at the bar with and left behind for me) to which he responded, “Why? For going home with a beautiful girl? Nah!” Good answer.

There was also some conversation about his penis. He was commenting on how small it gets when it's not hard. Agreed, it was rather small. But then miraculously it's not bad when he's turned on. Agreed, it was a decent size. Ha, but why that was part of our conversation? Who knows!

Well, I wrote Seattle an email because I'm pretty sure he'll read this blog and be upset about it. I wanted to tell him about it first, so that he didn't have to find out from the blog. I felt an email was a bit more respectful. He's up on Mt. Rainier this weekend with his best friend and I wouldn't have been able to call him anyway. I also wrote in the email that I don't think we can keep talking at this point in time. It hurts too much. If I can't be with him, then I need to move on. Ugh.

I felt like my email to him was becoming a pile of bullshit, so I unloaded some honesty:

I don't even know what I'm really trying to say with this email. I feel as if I'm trying to be all logical/realistic, positive, blah blah bullshit. When all I really wanna do is scream the top of my lungs how sad I am. I finally found someone worth being with and he's not ready. What a cruel twist of fate.

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not gonna find someone who will love me, flaws and all. I know for a fact that you are the only man in my life that will ever read my blog and not judge me and still think I'm a great person. I'm scared that I'll never be able to be as honest with someone as I was/am with you. Honesty is all I want out of life and you give that to me completely. I'm scared I'm not gonna find someone who's gonna stick around for more than a week. I'm scared that I'm boring, I'm scared that I'm not attractive, I'm scared that I have no more chances at real love. I'm scared.

Oh poor pathetic, lost Irene...

Well, I'm seeing lots of people from my past this weekend and will do my best to update and not fall too behind although I will be rather busy. I hope something eye opening happens in the next few days...

Isn't the Same

May 15, 2009.

Hung out with Todd. Just wasn't Seattle. I long for him.

I had fun with Todd and his little pug, but I just don't think there's much chemistry there. It makes me wonder if there ever really was or if it was just the alcohol and my neediness at the time we met. There's just this huge wall up with him. I want to ask him so many questions, why he is the way he is, why he's so scared of commitment, why he wants to start hanging out again after all this time, what he really feels for me, why he treated me the way he did last year...so many questions piling up on top of eachother, but I can't seem to even get one out.

I feel as if the moment has passed and now it will just be awkward to have that conversation with him. I suppose the next time we drink together we shall encounter such questions.

I was rather proud of myself though that I didn't sleep over. I didn't want to. It would've been forced and unnatural. He offered for me to sleep in his bed and he'd sleep on the couch, but that's just silly when I haven't had a drop to drink and I can just drive home.

I do think it's sweet of him though, that even though we slept together last year, he's not assuming that each time we hang out we'll be jumping into bed together.

It's so strange to me. If he didn't have his little pug there, I don't know what our conversations would consist of. He's such an ice breaker and an easy distraction from having real conversation. It's a little creepy though. Pug was curled up with me the whole time we watched a movie tonight. At one moment Todd made a joke about how Pug was hogging me. Ha ha. Then he kept commenting on how much Pug missed me. Did he really? Or is that Todd's way of saying he missed me?

Then when he was walking me out to my car I gave him a hug goodnight and thanked him for dinner and a movie and I said, “Bye Pug!” and Todd goes, “No, no, you have to hug him too!” I started to protest (by habit I guess, I don't even know why) but then just leaned over and in a baby voice cooed at Pug and kissed him goodbye. Then I realized how weird that “demand” was.

Todd is a puzzle to me. We didn't even have a goodnight kiss. I was relieved though. All I could think about was Seattle and how much I'd rather be spending time with him and how weird it is to hang out with Todd but talk lovey on the phone to Seattle. I can only have feelings, strong feelings for one guy at a time. And right now, that's Seattle.

Well, preview of this weekend: Heard from Venezuelan John tonight, he wants to hang tomorrow/today...don't know if I'll have time, but I do want to hang out with him sometime soon.

I'm going back home this weekend and shot a text to my high school sweetheart asking if he wants to do drinks either sunday or monday night. He said, “Totally. I'm free both nights.” Wonder if a drunken kiss from him would be the same as when we were 16 and in love...hmmm, if only I could have that again for one day.

So, lots of fun stuff coming up. Updates soon!

Tossing and Turning

May 14, 2009

I could not sleep last night. Got back from the bar around 1am and couldn't help but shoot a text to Seattle. I knew he was out with friends celebrating his last final exam being over and his second year of law school being finished:
“Hope you're having a great night. Missing you like crazy...hate this! On my way home, got an early morning, blah. Night.”

He text me back, “Me too, nite nite.” I was saddened by his response, because I expected a little bit more from him, even perhaps a drunk dial. I came home and saw that he had checked my blog. I figured that he was a little upset about me having set up a date with Todd.

My assumption was correct. I tossed and turned until 3:30, then woke up and noticed that I missed a text message from him:
“On my way home, wanting to drunk dial you but I know you have to get up early. I read the damn blog again and am extremely jealous, but I hope you have a fun date.”

Ugh. So, I responded: “Argh! Just got your text and so frustrated! I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning all night. All I wanted was a drunk dial from you, but figured those weren't kosher these days. Thought you were mad about my blog too.”

So he called. We chatted and I was happy to hear his voice. We talked for an hour and I learned that he thinks he's “broken” or “messed up” because of this situation. I still don't think he's convinced that he's not. I kept telling him it's completely normal for him to need time and space. There's nothing wrong or “messed up” about that. He really is wonderful.

Today I had a doctors appt to find out the results of my biopsy (yikes). He asked that I call and let him know how it went afterwards. We talked while he was on his way up to Vancouver to spend the day with his mom. He asked about my date tonight. But, he asked like a mature, caring friend, not a jealous ex-boyfriend. I know it's hard for him to think about it, but he's trying to be so good and wish me well.

He told me that he just hates the idea of me 'settling' and knows that there is a great guy out there for me. “You'll find him someday...” I said, “I already found him...”

Oy vay...anywho, I totally had my money on Todd flaking tonight. But, he called me while I was driving this morning to set up plans. He sounded excited. It was cute. We're meeting up later than I expected at 9:40ish and we're gonna get chinese takeout and watch a movie at his place. He called to see what movie I wanted to watch. Comedy! I need comedy!

He told me he wants to get at least 3 choices for me and he knows the perfect place to get food from. I'm happy to get to spend some time with him. I hope we're able to actually talk a little bit. I wanna crack his brain. It does make me feel a little weird though, because of course I still want Seattle and Todd is just sort of a distraction right now.

I hope he's not expecting me to sleep over. That is not my plan this evening. We shall see how the evening goes...wish me luck!


In other news I recieved an award from one of my wonderful followers, however, I'm not sure how to attach links to other blogs which I'm supposed to nominate...a little help? As soon as I figure it out, I will write down my nominees! Thanks Ali!

Lump in my throat

May 13, 2009

Oy. So Seattle read my 4:30 in the morning, overreacting, jumping to conclusions blog. It made him upset. He wrote me a long email and explained that he has no intention of getting together with 'Becks' or any other girl for that matter. I'm gonna give you a tid bit from the email, but not all of it, because it's just for me:

“Just know that I have never lied to you, and I have tried to explain myself as best as I can. I care about you more than I have probably expressed and I am so very sorry for ever hurting you and making you feel how I have. I know you mentioned early on that you were worried about me being ready for a relationship and I guess you were right. I was (am) just so infatuated with you that I wanted to be ready for a relationship.

I want to continue to take it one day at a time and see what happens between us, but I understand if you feel differently. Just please know that I had no intention of trying to get with you by saying or acting in some manner to deceive you. As much as I enjoyed being with you, I would take it back if I could, because I feel like you are upset that we did.

I have a sad feeling in my stomach that you are going to use this as a reason to move on and be with other people, and I understand that. Just know that you are an amazing person, and if I can’t be the one to be with you, some very lucky guy will eventually find you.”

I text him before going to work because I had 20min and I didn't want to have to wait until 11pm last night talk about things. He responded, “Sorry, now's not a good time. *sad face”. I knew this meant he was with Becks. I was pissed. I felt like he was choosing her over me. So I didn't text anything back until after he confirmed he had been with Becks and then I responded, “I figured. I'm at work. I'll call you tomorrow.” Because I just didn't think I could handle talking to him later.

But when I got home and read the email and knew that he had read my blog and saw that he had tried to gmail chat me and skype me...etc. I figured I owed it to him to talk. I care about him. I don't like to think I'm causing him pain.

We cried a lot. He admitted to me that it freaks him out how much he cares for me. He feels as though he's “falling in love with me.” Ditto. He just feels as if he's not ready for those emotions and not ready for the pain that comes along with those emotions when things don't work out.

I guess it's better to end it sooner than later...right? Well, we talked it all out and actually ended the conversation on a high note with a little sprinkling of laughter. We decided he shouldn't come visit anymore, it's just gonna be too hard. I already booked myself for tons of work/rehearsals that weekend, so I'll be busy and distracted (thank God).

It just hurts mainly because it's so good with him and the two main reason for not being together, really suck. 1)the distance 2)he's not ready to be in love again.

I'm ready. I'm ready to be loved and I'm ready to be in love. I miss it. It stinks that I found someone I believe that to be possible with and yet I can't have him. Totally blows. Ugh.

Well, on to distractions! I have a dinner date set up for tomorrow night with Todd. I wish I could be more excited about it, but really I'm gonna be sitting there the entire time wishing it were Seattle. I mean, I'm sure I'll have a pleasant time. But maybe it'll be the end for me and Todd. I'll realize he's just totally not right for me.

I told Seattle on the phone last night, “Take as much time as you need. Be single, enjoy yourself. But remain infatuated with me. I'm going to date, I'm going to be with other people. But as soon as you're ready...come and sweep me off my feet. Even if I'm with someone else, sweep me off my feet.”

I meant every word of that.

I'm a tool.

May 12, 2009.

Can't sleep. It's 4:36am and I've been tossing and turning for the past ½ hour. Not sure if it's the Yogurtland I had last night or the fact that I'm upset about Seattle.

I can't help but feel like a tool in this situation. I feel like Seattle guided me to say what I said yesterday. As if he was unhappy, but didn't want to be the one to break it off because he'd feel so guilty about it, especially since we slept together. So, he used this Becks situation in order to guide me to be the one to break up with him. That way, I come off as the “mature” one, the “responsible one”, the “wonderful one” for being so caring and realistic about the situation and he gets off scott free with exactly what he wanted: my newly founded v-card and Becks.

Gross.

It just makes me unsure of what to believe anymore! I already had major trust issues with guys before I met him. But, I was just beginning to think I'd found someone that actually says what he means and means what he says. Now, I feel like it was a two month scam.

I don't think I want to see him. I mean, what's the point? To have sex one last time? To fake that we're still into each other so he didn't waste $200 on a plane ticket for nothing?

I feel cursed. I feel as if I am destined to be single forever. I suppose it is what I need right now in order to get my career going. But, I'm so tired of being lonely.

Not gonna lie, I'm a bit P.O'd with Seattle and I can't help but think of him spending this night with Becks and I really have no doubt in my mind that he's going to fall under that spell again within the next two weeks. I want no part of it.

Gross.

I want a Cigarette.

May 11th, 2009

Well, the Seattle chapter has ended just as quickly as it had begun. We are “taking a step back” (my words). He just called me to talk about 'Becks' (as he so affectionately calls her – puke in my mouth) and how he still wants to be friends with her, but because of 'us' and the situation the other night with him bringing girls back to his place, he feels a little 'trapped' and unable to hang out with her like he wants. She's the girl he was with right before me, but it was a messy situation and he ended it.

Ok. I like Seattle. I'm crazy about him. But he's not here. And I can't be there. Bottom line. I never wanted to get in the way of his life. And if he wants 'Becks' in his life right now, then I can't keep doing what we are doing. I would never tell him to not be friends with someone, but I don't trust that woman. I think she's manipulative and always has an ulterior motive behind what she says to him and what she does.

The only thing that really kills me about this situation is how happy 'Becks' is gonna be when she hears this from Seattle. Again...puke in my mouth.

I tried to be as mature in our conversation as possible and I think I succeeded. I know I said what Seattle needed to hear. I think he's been feeling like this for awhile now, but refusing to say anything because he fears that I'll just cut him out of my life completely. Which isn't entirely true, but perhaps I'll be less likely to pick up his every phone call.

I mean I still want to be able to talk to him and enjoy him as someone great in my life, but if we're not together, then there is nothing stopping me from going on dates or exchanging numbers with boys that I meet at bars or a few make out sessions here and there. I'm still going to try and keep my (mostly) abstinent goal. I refuse to revert back to the person I was last year. Although, a one night stand is sounding more and more tempting these days...

Alright, so here's the universe thinking it's making a funny, ha ha, joke. Not more than 20 minutes after I hung up with Seattle and showered and got dressed, there was a knock at my door. It was UPS delivering my Victoria's Secret order, in which is the amazingly sexy bra and panties/g-string set that I was going to wear for Seattle when he arrived...(pictured above). Ok Universe! Good one! You're lucky I have a sense of humor!

He still wants to visit. And I still want him to. But I am very confused about it all now. And I do know that if anything happens between him and 'Becks' before he visits, I may have to ask him to sleep at his brothers. We can still go surfing and hang out at the beach, etc, but I don't want him in the bed next to me, making it hard for me to say no to anything that may transpire.

Oh life. How ridiculous are you?? Well, my faithful readers, be prepared for much more drama in my life from this point forward. Relationships make for boring posts, don't they?

“Absolutely nothing, I'm absolutely fine, absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind...”
~playing on my Pandora 'Lily Allen' station right now.

I am absolutely fine. And I hope Seattle is too.

A little Catch-up

May 10, 2009

Alright. Time to play a little game of “catch-up”.

Friday Night (May 8th): Went out to Rocco's, this new bar we're trying out, with Nikki and her boy, Lacey, and Zack. We put it in our minds that we were gonna rock any bar we went to that night. So, this we did! Rocco's is a nice Italian looking bar/restaurant that we turned into a straight up club! We started dancing and grooving with no rhythm and bad moves (like white girls do) and were having so much fun, other people couldn't resist but to join in. At one point we had at least 1/3 of the bar dancing with us. It was such a feeling of bliss. My favorite thing about it, was that we brought happiness, enjoyment and freedom to the people (especially the girls) in that bar. We totally made their night. There was no cattiness, no jealousy, no fights, no hate. Just a whole bunch of strangers dancing as they pleased, smiling and laughing the whole time. What have you done lately to bring a smile to a strangers face? (Let's all challenge ourselves to do something to make one other person happy each day.) Anywho, this is why I love my girls. I had such a blast that night, and didn't need to even think about boys, because we were just so involved in having fun. Not trying to impress anyone. Not trying to hook up with anyone. Not trying to be something we're not.

Saturday (May9th): Locked myself out of my house on my way to work. Realized I had locked my car keys and house keys in my apt. Great. Lil' bro spent the night elsewhere, so I had no option but to say, “Fuck it”. Called Lacey, told her my dilemma and even though I was supposed to drive us to the Pier to work at the BBQ Festival that morning, she came and picked me up and we headed down. Ugh. But the festival was a blast!! There were four other people from the other location of C's that were working with us. Two guys were Marines and so much fun to work with! I made it a game for everyone. I said we should make as much (fun) noise as possible, because people notice noise and want to be a part of it, therefore we'd sell more. So every time someone came up to order we would shout out the order real loud and in unison, just for fun. “All Beef.” “ALL BEEF”. It really made the day lots of fun and it flew by.

Venezuelan John stopped by! He was cruising the fest with his friend and he found me! He's so adorable. We chatted for a bit and I hooked 'em up with some beers (shhh!), then we exchanged numbers before they left so that he can let me, Jess and Nikki know if he's doing anything for his b-day. He's only been here for 6mo's, so he's still in that searching for friends phase.

One of the other C's girls and I walked around the fest a bit later to do an “exchange” and get some free food. We approached this one tent and they were quite excited about swapping. One of the chefs who was young and very attractive was talking to us while the others were preparing some food. I gave him a beer that I had brought over as part of the exchange as well. He was very happy with this and asked if he could, “return the favor later?” Then wanted to know what we were doing after work and informed us that he would be down the street at a local pub drinkin' a bit more. Hmmm.

Ended my night at C's with my two managers. Yesterday felt weird with me and Rye, the manager I worked with all day. He hugs me a lot. A lot...and for awhile. Not just quick hugs. And I know he hugs a lot of other people, but I feel like yesterday, it was mainly me. He's married and knows that everyone knows this. But it does not stop him from drooling at other girls that walk by or flirting with customers. It's kind of gross. But most of the men at my restaurant are, so I just brush it off. But last night he wanted me to go get a beer with him back at the restaurant, so I agreed. But, then he suggested we go bar hopping. I told him if he wanted to go when Nikki was off work, sure, but I was going to wait for her. Something just felt a bit odd. I feel like if I had gone out with him, he would've tried to get me to kiss him or something last night. Which is the last thing I'd ever do/want to do. It was strange, but now I know, at least for a while, I don't want to be alone with Rye.

Last night, Nikki and I went to Off Kilt for a drink. We ran into quite a few familiar faces and had a good time. I couldn't help but feel though, as I often do, like a third wheel. At no fault of Nikki's, it's just when we run into someone that likes her, that guy often has blinders on and only sees/talks/listens to Nikki. Last night even, guy in question, went to the bar and bought Nikki a beer, even though she wasn't even halfway through her current one and said she didn't want another. When he came back to our table, he placed it down in front of her and then as if the lights had been turned on, he looks at me with this, “Oh yeah” look on his face and goes, “You good? You want something?”.

No thanks. I don't want a pity beer. I'm better than that.

Walked home and hung out with Lil bro and his friend for a short while then headed to bed. Woke up about an hour later to Seattle's phone call. He had gone out drinking last night with friends and I told him I was expecting a drunk dial. I was happy to wake up to his voice. He told me about his night with the boys at the bar and bowling and all this funness. Then he mentioned these three girls that had approached them at the bar and then gone back to his place with him and his buddies to have a few more beers. He reassured me that they were unattractive and uninteresting. I didn't care. This upset me and I became really quiet. I just didn't like the thought of these girls being at his place. All I could picture was him on his bed with another girl. He lives in a studio and doesn't have a couch, so his bed is really the main place to sit. Yuck. So, I just kept having these really uncomfortable thoughts about this.

Earlier at Off Kilt Nikki had asked me if it bothered me that Seattle was out with his buddies at bars and whatever. I answered honestly, “Not at all. I trust him. He's not the cheating type.” I believe that. I know that. I just got really jealous about these other women being in his place. I hate jealousy. If I could invent something that would zap that word/emotion out of the universe I would do it in a heartbeat.

I acted immature and told Seattle I was really tired, so we hung up. Well, the jealousy/uneasiness was eating me alive from inside out. My stomach felt like it was burning and it spread throughout my entire body, into my limbs and into my fingertips. It consumed me and I knew I couldn't go to sleep feeling like that.

So, I text Seattle and asked if we could talk some more. I explained how I was feeling and told him I was more upset at how it made me feel than what actually happened. I have no right to tell him he can't have people over at his place. He did nothing wrong. I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that he wanted these people there. In my world, I rarely want to hang out with boys at my place because it just makes me sad and want to be talking/lying around with Seattle. But in his world he's inviting these girls back to his place. I just didn't get it.

He listened and accepted how I was feeling. He's wonderful. We talked it all out. He admitted that he did think the situation was a bit strange and that him and his buddy had already joked about it because these girls were so unattractive and so uninteresting. But I still couldn't help but to think, “Well, what if next time they're beautiful and ever so interesting? What then?”

I don't know. It just bothered me. I get to see him 12 days though! That's nothing! I can't wait. I really need some face time with that boy.

Man, ok this blog I think has set my record for longest ramble. I hate missing multiple days!! So much happens!

Oh yeah, more on the retrograde. It says something about people from your past or unresolved issues arising around this time. Todd keeps trying to get in touch with me and hang out. Ugh. It stinks because I would totally love to be friends with him and be able to just hang out, however, we've never been just friends. So, is it possible? I don't know. But, I don't want to give him the wrong impression, so the next time I see him, if I see him, I guess I'll just have to be completely honest about my situation and what I do and don't want from him.

On to another week full of adventure!!